A Consequence for every action
by megglesnake
Summary: An exiled Alistair has been hiding in Orlais. Three years after the Blight's end he has been summoned back to Ferelden by Queen Anora. Still angry with Elissa, he seeks her out for answers, only to find she isn't the same woman he left behind.
1. Prologue

**Denerim**

Nathaniel Howe nervously paced outside of the royal chamber door as he awaited the return of the royal guard and the answer he would bare from the Queen. Nate had come to the palace unannounced, uninvited and requesting a private meeting with the Queen. If his brazen demands were not enough to earn him a boot to his backside, his reason for being here would. As much as he disapproved of the request he was baring, he knew it was for the greater good of the Wardens, Ferelden, and most importantly of all Elissa.

The royal guard took his time in returning, he grimly informed Nathaniel of the Queen's acceptance. A sense of worry washed over Nate, who had hardly expected the Queen to agree to such a meeting. His outer persona was cool and calm as he nodded as he followed the guard into the royal chamber room.

His mind whirled as he attempted to place all of his thoughts and arguments in order. Because of the seriousness of his request, he would need to prepare himself mentally for a battle of wits with the single manipulative and paranoid woman in all of Ferelden.

Anora came into view, sitting regally upon her throne watching Nate calmly approached the base of the stairs. The guard bowed before quickly taking his leave of the room, leaving an inwardly nervous Nathaniel alone with the Queen. Being only the two of them alone in a large chamber did nothing to calm him inwardly. His stomach was tired in knots, the fear of losing his breakfast, head pounding and his heart was being so fast he was sure Anora could hear its thunderous beats.

Yet he did not show his inward anxiety outwardly. Allowing uneasiness to show would be a sign of weakness, a good soldier always knows never to show such a weakness to an enemy, no matter who the enemy may be. His father and time in the Free Marches had taught him always keep them tightly under control and locked away.

Elissa had tried her best to do away with this locking of emotions. Alas, even after three years, some habits die-hard.

He crossed his arms over his body and bowed deeply. Unsmiling Anora acknowledged him with a slight nod of her head.

Are you here today as a Warden or an Arl?" She asked politely as her watchful gaze followed his body and facial movement, reading him for any sign of why he may be here.

"_You will not read me today Anora."_ He thought to himself.

"I am here as both, my Queen." He stated equally as politely. The Queen arched a curious brow

What is it you wish of me Arl Howe?" She said. Nathaniel held back an outward cringe. He liked being an Arl as much as he enjoyed being at the palace asking a favor of Anora. It reminded him too much of his father which was something he still even now yearned to distance himself from.

He straightened his shoulders and held his head up proudly before asking, "I have come here to make a most unusual request of you my Queen." He looked directly into the Queen's eyes. "I would ask that you allow Warden Alistair Theirin into Ferelden; fully pardoned and desertion and he be given the title of Warden-Commander." He asked loudly and confidently.

Anora outwardly made no movement that would indicate the shock of his request. However, inwardly she wanted to scream out her answer. "Absolutely not," She calmly said. "He is a threat to me as long as he is alive within Ferelden. Giving that traitorous man a title will never happen."

"My Queen, he is hardly traitorous." Nathaniel knowingly pointed out. If Elissa told him he was not a deserter, then he believed her over a group of drunken gossiping nobles. "I have been in contact with the other Wardens of Ferelden. No one has any immediate issues with his reinstatement." He took a moment to choose his next words very carefully. "With all due respect your Majesty; it is been three years. If he truly wanted the throne I believe he would have raised a revolt in his name by now."

"Forming a resistance takes time Warden Howe." The Queen quickly countered.

"You're Majesty; he helped former Warden-Commander Cousland build an army within a year. I believe it highly unlikely it would take him this long to build a revolt in his name against the crown." His steely Grey eyes watched the Queen's face closely for any reaction. Her frown deepening and her shoulders momentarily slumped in defeat. He knew that he had won **this **argument.

"His blood still makes him a threat to me and my crown."

Nathaniel stifled a frustrated groan. _"Or not."_ He thought cynically. "The man holds no interest in ruling."

"How do you know it does not interest him?" She asked as her brow rose slightly. She was actually rather amused by this conversation.

"I don't, but Elissa did." He wanted to smirk, as he watched her heave a heavy sigh. "Who knows Warden Theirin better than Elissa?"

"Say I do allow him to come back and make him Warden-Commander." She said completely ignoring his question. "He could use his power to recruit anyone he so chooses. Building a revolt with the cover of Warden-Commander would be quite easy for him."

"Oh really," He blurted completely by accident. "I am sorry I let my emotions get the best of me, my Queen." He bowed. She waved a dismissive hand. "My Queen, allowing your former challenger of the throne back into the country and giving him a lesser seat of power would endure you to the people. They would see you as a Queen of forgiveness and kindness"

"The throne issue shall be put aside for now. Do tell me why I should consider making him a Warden-Commander when he renounced himself as such?"

"He is still a Warden, no matter what he may say." Nathaniel said almost automatically. He realized quickly he had not answered her question. "He has helped gather armies and fought against countless darkspawn. He has helped save many lives. Renouncing aside the taint still flows through his body and he is still a senior Warden of Ferelden."

"Have you considered the possibility he may not want to come back?" The Queen asked. Nathaniel nodded.

"Yes, you're Majesty." He did not clarify, but he had a plan in place for such an eventuality.

"Warden Howe, for once I would like at least one person to give me a straightforward answer without my asking." She stood from her throne before continuing. "You don't even know the man, why would you want him to lead the Wardens?"

Nathaniel stared at the Queen for a moment. He had not expected her be so clever as to see through his well thought out and strategic arguments. "Elissa is to far gone to be miserable anymore. She has given up and lost so much for the sake of this country, the sake of the Wardens and for her friends. I thought maybe this was something that may actually be obtainable, something that may bring her some sort of joy and something that may give her a reason to fight whatever it is her mind is putting her through."

"As touching and true as that argument may be, I am afraid you will have to do slightly better than that Arl Howe." She arched a brow, smiling at the flustered Warden.

"My Queen," Nathaniel began. "Anders and I cannot keep going the way we are now. The two of us cannot keep juggling the duties of a Warden-Commander, Amaranthine Arling duties; oversee the construction of Vigil's Keep and going back and forth to Redcliffe every two weeks. The Weisshaupt Wardens are writing me weekly asking me why you have not officially named a new Warden-Commander. Anders and I have discussed this at great length, and we believe Alistair making the new Warden-Commander is in the best interest of Ferelden, Elissa, and to Ander's and my own sanity." He allowed his frustration to momentarily show, and for once did not regret showing an outward weakness. He knew Elissa would be proud.

"If my travels and time with Elissa have taught me one thing, it is the undeniable fact that everyone, no matter who they are, where they come from, or what they might have done in the past; deserve a second change in order to redeem themselves."

Anora's lips tugged upwards into a slight smile. His words were the similar to the words spoken by a broken and sobbing Elssa after the Landsmeet when asked why she had allowed Anora's father to live. "Really now Arl Howe, was that so very hard? An Honest answer was all I was looking for." Anora smiled at Nathaniel glared coldly at her. "Do you believe she will remember him?"

"I highly doubt she will, but she may at least find him slightly familiar. I believe the more we surround her with people and objects she find familiar, the better of she may be."

"Do you really believe he will be fully capable of fulfilling the duties of a Warden-Commander successfully?"

"Elissa believed he could lead better than she ever could. Arl Eamon also tells me he is more than worthy of the position. I believe their words. So yes, I do."

After a long moment of silence, she smiled slightly at Nathaniel. "Very well, I will inform my advisors of the change within the Warden ranks. He will also be fully pardoned."

"Thank you, My Queen." He began to bow.

"I am not finished Warden Howe." She added quickly before he could take his leave. Nathaniel brought his head up, meeting with the Queen's icy blue eyes and gulped. "If he uses his position of power in order to form any kind of resistance against me or my crown, you and Anders will be taking full responsibility and joining him in awaiting an execution date. Is that point made clear?"

Nathaniel paled slightly as he nodded. "_You believe this is for the good of the Wardens and Elissa." _He repeatedly thought to himself. "It is very clear, my Queen."

"Does he still keep to Orlais?" She asked pushing herself up from her chair.

"We're still working on that. I have Zevran off looking for clues to Alistair's whereabouts." Nathaniel stated.

"When you find him," She paused as walked towards her stationary desk, pulling out a golden envelope. Nathaniel walked up the stairs and carefully took the envelope from her hands. "See that he receives this letter."

"You will not regret this, my Queen." He said as he crossed his hands across his body and bowed deeply. Nathaniel wasn't quite sure he believed his own words, as he had never met Alistair himself, but Elissa had believed Alistair to be the only man who correctly and effectively do a Warden-Commander's job. He would see his friend's wishes He would see Elissa's wishes done.

"I should hope not Warden." With that, she quickly dismissed him with a wave of her hand. He quickly walked down the steps and did not stop until he was outside the palace gates.

Nathaniel spotted Zev waiting for him by his black horse. He nodded to the elf who returned the gesture.

"You were in there for some time my friend, can assume you won your Queen over with kind words, and facts?" Zevran smirked as Nathaniel handed him the golden envelope.

"Hardly, she was looking for honesty of all things. Make sure he receives this," Nate said handing the golden envelop to Zev. "Do you believe he is still in Orlais?"

"Of course he is, if anything Warden, he is a creature of habit."

"Are you sure you can get him here?"

"He is also a creature of great sentiment," Zev smiled slyly. "It will not be a problem."

"Good," Nathaniel pulled out seven gold pieces, dropping them into Zevran's hand. "This should cover any expenses along the way. Be safe Zevran, you know Elissa would kill me if any danger were to come to you." He said rolling his eyes as he climbed atop of his horse and quickly rode off into the direction of Amaranthine.

"I am always careful Nathaniel." Zev muttered and chuckled softly as he walked off in the direction of the Pearl. Not to take part in what the Peal itself offered. He enjoyed greatly enjoyed watch the nervous men and woman who passed through its doors.


	2. Numb and dumb in Orlais

_**A/N: The usual disclaimer here. The overlords at Bioware own Dragon Age, all of it's characters, and locations. They just allow me to play with their creations.**_

_**This is my first attempt at a fanfic and I can almost grantee I will be editing and changing chapters frequently until I'm happy with what I see.**_

_**Reviews are always welcomed, all I ask is please don't make me cry with all the criticism. Thank you for reading, and hopefully you'll enjoy the tale my mind has spun.**_

**Val Royeaux, Orlais**

Three years have passed since the events of the landsmeet, wherein a furious and utterly broken Alistair renounced himself as an heir to the throne and as a Grey Warden and left Ferelden vowing never to return.

True to his word, he left that very night. At the time, he felt fortunate enough to find an exploration ship leaving with no particular destination in mind. He saw it as the Maker's last way of thanking him for his service to Ferelden.

The crew welcomed any extra help offered to them, and was more than glad to take him aboard with them. He traveled with the ship's crew for a little over three months before he found himself in Orlais.

Val Royeaux appeared promising on the outside. Being a major city there was no danger of running into anyone who knew him and, given his own father's history with the nation; no one would ever think to look for him here. He some how doubted the Queen of Ferelden would be sending out a search party just to find him as long as he kept his distance, nevertheless he decided he would rather be safe than decapitated.

There was something about Orlais, which had always been of great interest to him. All he had read about his father's history with the nation was always never far from his mind. Another deciding factor was the way Lelianna constantly spoke of its beauty and danger; her stories had always captivated and intrigued him.

Alistair was convinced he could create a new life for himself, while placing his painful past behind him. The first few weeks were exciting; everything in the city had been new and different.

However, he understood very quickly how foolish that ideal was. Forgetting Ferelden was hard enough; forgetting about Elissa was damn near impossible. Despite her secrecy, and what he viewed to be her ultimate betrayal, he was still deeply in love with her. Something he tried pushing out of his mind repeatedly was Elissa. His love for her ran far too deeply. He hated her for it, for placing him under her spell, for being the cause of his heart's pain.

He had not expected the nightmares with ensued shortly after his arrival. Instead of dreaming of darkspawn and archdemons, he dreamt of Elissa. It would start out innocently enough. The two of then sneaking for a private kiss, nights in her tent and all around happier times. In the end, it always came back to the Landsmeet. He would relive the same moment repeatedly even in his dreams. Elissa (who looked an awful lot like a speaking arch demon), announcing to all of the attending nobility that she would not only allow that traitorous bastard to live, but he would be joining the ranks of the Wardens, as if it was a damn punishment. He feeling was he would die before calling that man a brother. That horrid scene plagued his nightmare night after night his during first year in Orlais.

In a futile attempt to forget his plagued existence and these haunting nightmares, he had turned to cheap drinks and expensive women (Since Orleasian whores are by no means cheap.) in order to forget his nightmares. Neither was by any means effective as he needed them to be, but he enjoyed pretending they were. He found that sex was easier with no emotions involved, but less fulfilling in the end. If he drank enough before his visit to his usual whorehouse, he never even thought of how wonderful lovemaking had been with Elissa.

The tavern patrons never paid any mind to the drunken man's loose tongue and drunken ramblings. The only things he ever remembered about his nights in the taverns were his loud ramblings, which always sounded far more intelligent in his own mind and his trips to the brothel across the street from his inn.

He always awoke in a room next to some nameless whore. He would pay her enough so she would allow him to call her whatever he wanted it was always Elissa. It was an insult to her, but oddly comforting for him.

After a short while, he found he no longer cared about his appearance. He stopped spending money on haircuts and shaving. He now wore his hair long and his stubble had become a long blond beard and short mustache. He avoided mirrors since he never liked the man who appeared in them.

Three years later, he was still plagued by nightmares of Elissa, only they were now different a kind of nightmare. He still dreamt of the landsmeet, but now he saw the scared Elissa as not a monster, but the unsure Elissa who had tried to pull him aside after making her decision, who argued with him with eyes pain stricken eyes, voice shaking along with the rest of her. She begged him to stay and yelled at him to shut up and listen.

She would have dropped to her hands and knees if he had stayed long enough. Sometimes he wishes he would have, but he had not. He could hear her protests mix with her sobs. He was too angry with her to allow her sobs to affect him then as they did to him now. It broke his heart or what he assumed remained of his heart.

Why had he not given her a chance to explain herself further? Did have some pride not even HE was aware he had? Had he thought himself so morally above her? She had always told him there was a method to her madness; it was something he had always believed in before, what had changed within himself?

He was tired of pretending to hate her. He was also tired of constantly thinking on an event he could not change. It only led to more drinking. This in theory, no longer bothered him. Drinking was a hobby of sorts.

The cost of living in a capital city such as Val Royeaux was by no means cheap. Along with his drinking, expensive whoring habits, and his room fee he had quickly run out of gold.

In order to bring in some source of income he would lend himself out as a hired hand, a mercenary of sorts; willing to do anything for a bit of gold and hot food. Sometimes it was honest work, most of the time it was collecting on some debt for some angry merchant or disgruntled noble

His honest work usually involved moving furniture to a storefront for an elderly merchant or, helping scholars move heavy stacks of books and organize information. He preferred the honest type of work, but the mercenary jobs paid more.

As much as he hated needless killing, being a sword for hire was a good way to make enough gold to cover his hobbies and the cost of living. As long as he did not think of himself, a monster the job was easy.

Despite his Orleasian client's hesitation to hire a Ferelden to do their bidding, he quickly proved himself superior with a sword and with his Templar training was a powerful asset. Unfortunately, his job earned him more enemies than he cared to think upon, which was why he always slept with a dagger under his pillow. I never knew which whore was actually a hired bard in disguise.

He could have done the honorable thing, and ask the Orlesain wardens to take him on. They would have gladly accepted him despite the fact that he had denounced himself as a Warden or that he was obviously a man of Ferelden. He had been proud to be a Ferelden Warden.

It had been a long day of lifting, listening to shop keepers bitch and killing sleazy merchant rivals. Alistair found himself in desperate need of a drink. After counting his gold earnings for the day, he quickly decided he could afford it. The thought of being able to afford ale that did not taste like dirt, put a smile on his face and a bounce in his step.

Before he could get a start on his binge drinking, he would need run by room at the Crasse inn and change into a clean pair of clothes or at least something that closely resembled clean clothes.

The moment he opened the door to his room he knew something was not right. The window was open; he distinctly remembered closing it before leaving that morning. He cautiously entered his room, dagger defensively drawn in front of his body as he check all closets, under his bed and any other hiding place he could think of. He relaxed he was sure everything was safe and his window was shut.

"Maker's breath." He said angrily running his hand through his hair. He glanced at his bed; something caught his attention out of the corner of his eye. On his pillow lay a golden envelope. Carefully Alistair picked up the envelope, flipped it over to open it. King Cailan's prominent silver crested seal was hard to miss.

"The bitch can't even coming up with her own seal." He should have thrown it away into a fire somewhere or tear it into a thousand pieces. Instead, he opened the envelope; it was short and to the point

The Queen of Ferelden required his presence at court; he and the bitch queen apparently had business to discuss. Had she changed her mind about his execution? He would have laughed aloud, if he had not turned the letter on its back. A different handwritten note awaited him.

_My dear Warden (Deny it all you want. You are still a Warden, among many other things.):_

_I will now come to the point as to why I am here. I bring you this letter from the Queen. I do not know what business she wishes to discuss with you, nor is it my place to discuss such things. I will let her explain everything once you arrive, and you WILL be arriving._

_It was why I was sent here (as I am sure you can guess) to ensure you arrive as she has requested. _

_I have taken the liberty of taking something of great personal sentiment to you. Something I know would be willing to travel a great distance to retrieve. I suggest you not procrastinate in your travels. Once you meet with the Queen, she will personally return your trinket to you. _

_A finial note and I only tell you this because I know the Queen will not. Elissa now resides in Redcliffe castle. Arl Eamon awaits your arrival, and will explain her situation if you so choose to see her._

The note had no signature. It wasn't necessary.

"Fucking elf, she should have killed him." He muttered as he stuffed the note into his pack. His eyes flew to the top of his dresser where he had placed his mother's amulet. The spot it was bare. Zevran knew it had to be something he was more than willing to travel the country to get back. Not only it had belonged to his mothers, but also Elissa had found it for him it was proof that someone actually cared about what he had to say.

"Blood and damnation!" He growled, as he stuffed his clean clothes into his sack along with his weapons and any armor he was not already wearing. He sat on the edge of his bed for what felt like hours. What had Zevran meant by her situation? Was something wrong with Elissa? His curiosity and concern was enough to get up off his bed and moving.

He wasn't going because the Queen requested his presence or because he was beginning to hate Orlais. He was going because he needed answers, actual answers from Elissa. He needed to be able to forgive her. Whatever the Queen wanted was not as important, but nonetheless he would meet with her and listen to what she had to say.

He would be in Denerim in three weeks if he managed to find a good horse. If he were to walk, it would be at least two months before he made it into Ferelden. The thought of walking through the countryside and deep roads was enough to make him shudder.

He slung his pack over his shoulder and set out for Jader, but first he needed a well-deserved drink.


	3. Traveling while slightly sober

Alistair was not afraid to admit he had no idea where he was going. However, he was far too proud to ask for directions. All he knew was that his feet were sore, his head was pounding and to make matters worse two bards sprung an attack the moment he stepped outside Val Royeaux.

Had he not remembered the daggers concealed within his shirt, the Bards would have easily overpowered him. With a great deal of effort he was able to stab one of them in the neck deep enough to reach a vein, the other he stabbed in the stomach. After leaving the bodies in the middle of the dirt road, he made the broadsword slung across his back visible and more accessible.

Having spent most of his earnings on fine ale the previous night, his traveling options were now limited to walking instead of riding across the countryside. It was a deeply depressing thought he did not to dwell on.

"Maybe if I had another drink my head would kindly stop pounding." He muttered as he rubbed his temples. He was rarely plagued with hangovers anymore; sometimes he did not know the meaning of no. There was nothing like the occasional head pounding gut wrenching hangover, to remind oneself why they should not be drinking in the first place.

After hours of walking and feeling as if, he was going nowhere. His luck suddenly changed when a group of traders driving a caravan happened to pass him by. They stopped ask Alistair where he was heading. Five heads poking out of the back of the caravan to get a look at Alistair, waiting for his response.

"Ferelden is where I'm heading. If you happen to be going in the direction of Jader, and if you have room in your caravan for an extra man I would be much obliged. I would gladly pay you for your troubles." He nearly begged. He had no idea how he would pay them, the offer had slipped out of his mouth before he could stop himself. He would figure that out later.

The red haired driver smiled at the woman sitting next to him, before turning his attention back to Alistair. "You are in luck good Ser, our final destination happens to be Denerim. We plan to set up a shop in the new Market District." Said the driver. Even sitting down Alistair could tell He was a tallish man with red hair, green eyes and by his accent (or lack thereof); Alistair guessed he was a Ferelden man.

"I see you have a sword." The driver said pointing to the sword upon Alistair's back. "We would gladly give you a ride free of charge, if you would be willing to fend off any bandits, highway men or darkspawn along the way?" The sores and blisters on his feet prompted Alistair to take advantage of the driver's offer.

The caravan made it into Jader before nightfall. Before leaving for the Deep Roads, they decided to stock up on necessities. Alistair went in searched of his own necessities. He quickly downed the pint of ale. He was back in the caravan before everyone came back with food, for both humans and animals alike.

They made it through Orlais and into the Deep Roads. Much to everyone's surprise, there were no attacks by any Darkspawn. In fact, there was not a single darkspawn about. They stopped once they made it into Orzammar. He stopped into the local tavern for a pint of ale, which tasted much like dirt, yet Alistair still managed to choke it down.

They set out early the next morning. Ever alert, Alistair kept a watchful eye out for bandits or darkspawn. Much to his relief, the day was uneventful making their travels just that much easier.

They decided to set up camp several miles outside of the Lake Calenhad docks. The band of traders and Alistair sat around the campfire sharing tales of their adventures and mishaps in Orlais, Antiva and Ferelden. Most of their tales were of personal embarrassing moments. Alistair had not laughed this much since his last group travels. He missed this sharing of experiences, hell he had missed human interaction in general.

The next morning they were back on the road. Alistair spent most of the journey admitting the lush greenery. He had nearly forgotten how beautiful Ferelden was. Part of him was relieved to be home, while the other half dreaded what lay ahead. It was the half that worried about what the Queen wanted. His mind ran wild with speculation. Perhaps she changed her mind and wanted to execute him. Not knowing was driving him mad.

Mid-afternoon when he was finally able to put his blade skills to good use, as a group of nine bandits met them. They demanded their ox, clothing and money. Alistair almost laughed at their pathetic robbery attempt. The group of bandits had very little in the way of sword skill, and after a very brief sword fight, all nine bandits lay dead on the ground. He was accustomed to semi-skilled fighters, but they never failed to disappoint him. Yet he had managed to impress his new employers.

"MAKER! Where on earth did you learn to fight like that?" The leader asked completely amazed.

Alistair shrugged his shoulders. "I had plenty of practice once the Grey Wardens recruited me." It was the feeling of traveling in Ferelden and fighting once again, it had brought back his pride as a Warden of Ferelden.

His traveling companions were all smiling widely at Alistair. "I see we chose our guard wisely. Why in all of Thedas didn't you tell us you're a Grey Warden?"

"Honestly, sometimes I forget that I am a Warden." It was sad how true that statement was. It had been so long since he used his blade defending anyone against anything worthwhile.

The day's travels passed by quickly and thankfully, there were no other bandit attacks. Later on after they set up their camp for the night, they all gathered around the fire. Now it was Alistair turn to share his Warden tales. They were all convinced he had stories to tell. Who was he to deny them anything after they had kindly taken him on.

He told him of the tragic events in Ostagar, losing Duncan and King Cailan. He told them of Elissa and his other traveling companions. He spoke until his throat was hoarse and could no longer go on. They hung on to his every word and eagerly waiting what came next. He purposely left out the landsmeet, as that was something he still was not ready to speak of that event yet.

"So you helped defeat the blight?" One of them asked. He sighed shook his head. He had been dreading such a question. Thankfully, he had a lie already forming within his mind.

"Sadly the Orlesian Wardens desperately needed our help. Our leader sent me to help lead them into Ferelden. As it turns out, I couldn't even lead them to lunch, much less to fight the blight in Ferelden." He lied with great ease. They all chuckled. He noticed the leader eyed him suspiciously, but said nothing to contradict Alistair's version of events.

"Why were you not the leader? Were you not the senior Warden?" One of the younger traders asked. Damn, he hated that question.

"I was the senior Warden, but I'm not really great with split second decisions or anything leadership related. As I said before leading people has never been my strong point. I have a horrible sense of direction." He said. His silently wondered why his mind raced with possible questions for Elissa. Did she resent him for making her the leader instead of doing it himself? It was something he had wondered at the time, but had been afraid of her answer. "Elissa knew how to deal with people. She is caring, understanding, yet bold and can see through almost any lie. She is also diplomatic, which is one thing I am not."

"I doubt anyone would be eager to make such decisions that affect so many." One of them said thoughtfully. The all stood and stretched. "Thank you Alistair for your stories, they are much appreciated." With that, they left for their tents.

Alistair spotted a cliff high above the camp, a bird's eye view made it easier to spot any uninvited visitors. He almost found himself asleep underneath a large tree, when he heard branches crunching behind him. He swiftly grabbed his sword, jumped from the ground and faced the approaching intruder.

"Relax my good man; for as you see I am no bandits or darkspawn." The lead trader laughed. Alistair remembered he had introduced himself as Roland or something along those lines.

"Sorry about that." Alistair said as he placed his sword back into its sheath placed on Alistair's back. "It's a nervous habit I developed in Orlais." The leader shook his head.

"Keep the sword out. I wish to spar with you if you are up to the challenge" Roland withdrew his large broadsword hidden behind his back.

"I've never been one to refuse a sparring match with anyone." Alistair smirked as he retrieved his sword from his back and took a defensive stance. "Are you prepared to lose?"

"It has been a long time since I've seen such confidence." Roland laughed as he sprung into action. Roland's sword aiming for Alistair's chest, it was a move Alistair easily blocked as he brought up his own sword deflecting the blow. The second blow to the chest came before Alistair could stop it.

The man was fast and obviously had skill since his second swing was just as swift as his first. Alistair moved his head barely avoiding a scratch aimed for his right cheek. Rushing forth, he aimed his own sword for Roland's forehead. Roland easily avoided his blade by moving aside.

_"Damn my clumsy feet, and heavy sword!" _He thought to himself. Both men parried around one another, assessing the other's possible weakness. Alistair's was obviously his lack of speed left him vulnerable, if he had his shield with him, this fight would have been much different. Alas he did not and was stuck thinking of a different strategy against his opponent.

"The Orleasian Wardens know full well where Denerim is. So tell me why you really leave Ferelden?" He asked as he brought down his sword down on Alistair's head. The sword connected with his head, but did not break his skin in any way. The force of the hit did send him backwards slightly. Quick to recover Alistair came at his target once again.

"Was I that transparent?" Alistair asked as he swung his sword at Roland's chest. Roland was far too good, but Alistair was not ready to call the match yet.

"Not at all, I just happen to know a fleeing man when I see one." He said. Both men were tired and breathing hard, but neither was willing to submit to the other until one lay flat on his back. "I used to be one myself."

With all the strength he could muster, Alistair ran towards Roland. He quickly turned his sword around in his hand; he drove the hilt of his sword square into the man's stomach. Roland gasped for air as he fell to his knees and clutched his stomach in pain.

"I'm sorry; I was rather lost in the moment. I didn't mean to actually hurt you." Alistair was by the man's side ready to help him to his feet. Roland smiled and waved the worried man away.

"I should have seen it coming." Alistair sat on the ground next to Roland and waited for him to recover.

"I did flee." Alistair blurted before he could stop himself for speaking. He wasn't sure why he felt comfortable around Roland, but it had been far too long since he had someone he could confide in. "I fled because I was angry and felt betrayed. I was also not given much of a choice, not unless I was married the Queen. Thank the Maker Elissa didn't force that upon me." Alistair began telling his whole story to a man he barely knew. By the time he finished tears were sting his eyes and was he was gasping for a breath.

"I am a firm believer in second chances, but sparing Loghain after such an act against the crown?" Roland said thoughtfully then chuckled. "Yes that sounds like her."

"She told me it had something to do with a sacrifice that could save us both. She was rather vague since we were pressed for time; I should have let her explain." He sighed. Roland clasped Alistair's shoulder firmly.

"Yes, you should have. Nevertheless, you did not. You allowed your emotions to get in the way of your duty as a Warden." Roland held up a hand before Alistair could argue otherwise. "Do not fret Alistair; I am not going to condemn you for your decision. I believe it's time you put the past where it belongs, behind you."

"Sometimes that's easier said than done." He said suddenly he found himself in desperate want a drink and wished these traders were drinking men. "I said such horrible things to her." His heart filled with a sense of pain he had not felt for some time.

"We all say things we cannot take back. It is all part of being human. The fact that you're here," He waved his hands in front of himself. "**That** says something. Give yourself the credit you deserve, you've taken the first step towards change my good man." He let go of Alistair's arm and pushed himself off the ground. Alistair rushed up ahead of him, helping the injured man up off the ground.

"I came because that fucking elf took my mother's amulet." He growled. Roland could not help but laugh. "It is a serious situation. That amulet is special!"

"Sorry Alistair, your right it is serious." Roland said still chuckling. "You could have left the amulet to forever remain with the queen, but you didn't."

"I still need to find her after I see the Queen;" He blurted stupidly. "That is my real reason for coming back here. I am tired of running. I want her to tell me everything I didn't give her the chance to say back then. Once I hear that I think I'll be able to put everything behind me where it belongs." Roland nodded and smiled fondly.

"You remind me greatly of a young lady I was once put in charge of guarding. I always thought she was mad, in fact, I am sure she thought herself mad most of the time. She always used to tell me "I swear to you Roland, there is always a method behind my madness." and she was usually right." Alistair's head snapped upwards, his eyes wide with surprise and mouth hung open.

Roland chuckled. "Do you really think Elissa was born with a natural ability for swordplay and archery? Someone had to teach that damn woman some kind of talent, aside from her sharp tongue. I believe Fergus and I made her into the brother we both wanted" He sighed. "That spot within the Warden was supposed to be mine. Although it is rather fitting she made it."

"W…wait a minute. Elissa? You were Elissa's body guard?"

"Every noble lady needs a bodyguard." Roland rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Well maybe not Elissa, but her mother forced her to take me everywhere she went. We grew up together and were the best of friends. We would train if things became too tedious or raid a nearby larder. We would blame it on her Mabari Hound." Roland smiled fondly at the memory of Elissa and his time in Highever.

It was hard to imagine the Elissa he knew traveling with a bodyguard in tow. She always appeared so fiercely independent.

"I think the Warden in Highever that day was there to recruit Elissa, I was a merely convenient excuse to get past his lordship." Roland heaved a heavy and painful sigh at the mention of Teyrn Cousland. How he missed him and Highever in general. "The Teyrn knew Elissa was talented when it came to fighting, but he was hardly happy sending Fergus off to Ostagar. I don't think he could have handled two children off fighting the darkspawn."

"The Teyrna wanted nothing more than for Elissa to marry to some wildly handsome man and have loads of grandchildren she could dote over." That mental image made both men laugh aloud. "Elissa would have none of that. She always used to say, "Marriage and children are for people who had no more sense of adventure left in them." Bryce Cousland's little hellspawn, that is what the other nobles called her. I believe it to be a most fitting nickname."

He did not know how to go about asking about the events of Highever, thus so he opted for blurting. "How did you escape the Highever massacre?

Roland choked down his guilt before answering. Frowning he said, "I was a coward to be sure. I was wounded, but not as dead as Howe's men had assumed I was. They left me by the main gates to die with everyone else. I waited until Howe's men left the main hall. I crept out through the main gates and ran towards the woods. By then all of Howe's men were inside the castle." He shook his head.

"It was not cowardice, it was survival." Alistair offered, not sure of what else to say. He assumed Roland was leaving out important details on purpose; it was not Alistair's place to force the issue.

Roland chuckled bitterly. "I came to terms with my actions long ago. I have accepted it as cowardice and have done my best to make up for it ever since. I gave up my sword and have done my best to help those who need helping."

"That sounds like something Elissa would say." Alistair casually pointed out.

"Yes, I suppose it does."

"I never could beat her you know." Roland chuckled. Oh yes, he knew first hand how hard it was fighting against Elissa. "No matter how many times we fought, she would always out smart me. She is a cleaver little minx, always has been. I can tell you this Alistair, if she allowed Loghain to live; there was indeed some clever reason behind it. The reason might not be to your liking."

With that, Roland left Alistair to his own whirling thoughts. He had much information to process. Sleep would not come to him this night.


	4. A meeting with the Queen

With a week and a half pasted, the group had been making good time and would be in Denerim by the next afternoon. Instead of rushing the trip, they decided to set up camp and rest for the night. Alistair was rather disappointed to see their journey end. He enjoyed the company and the nightly sparring matches with Roland (Even though he rarely won.)

Roland had won all of their matches since their first scuffle and with very little effort. Something that would usually frustrated Alistair to no end. Yet he found himself learning from Rolands fighting techniques and how best to avoid them.

After they had completed sparing, Alistair would ask Roland about Elissa and Highever. He had learned more of Elissa in the past week and a half than he had in the year they traveled together. She was never keen on sharing information on herself. He could never tell if it was Elissa's way of being mysterious or humble.

As he and Roland were sprawled across the ground sweating and breathing hard after the latest scuffle, Roland told him of her first and last Grand Tourney.

"Why am I not surprised?" Alistair chuckled.

"She won two champion titles."

"Two?" He whistled. "Hardly surprising, but it is rather impressive."

"The people of Denerim were impressed. Her father was so proud of his little pup. "Roland declared proudly.

"How did the Teyrna feel about Elissa being in a tourney?"

"It was supposed to be a secret, but her father had let it slip out accidentally. He could never keep a secret from his wife. She acted as if she was furious, but I think that she was actually quite proud of her as well."

The two spoke a little while longer. After a time, the two men finally admitting defeat to fatigue. Roland bid him a good night before leaving for his tent. Alistair rested against a large tee and closed his eyes, hoping that would rid him of his pounding headache. He had not had any ale since they left Orzammar three days ago; his body was not in agreement with this arrangement.

"Don't worry; I'll assault you with ale before we visit the Queen." He muttered to himself sleepily.

The group arrived in Demerim the next morning. The obvious change within the city rendered Alistair speechless. He had heard about the final battle from the tales and songs of Random Bards on the streets of Orlais.

He knew the final battle had been in Denerim and the damage was extensive.

With the scene before him, he never would have known a massive Darkspawn battle had taken place. It not only recovered since the blight, but it had also expanded. There were more inns and shops. As well as several stables, a massive chantry and a tourney arena. His traveling companions appeared to be just as overwhelmed as Alistair was. As they stood along side him gawking at the city before them.

Before they parted ways, Roland pulled Alistair aside to ask a favor. "When you finally speak with her, I beg of you, please don't tell her you've seen me." He pleaded; this was not a request Alistair had expected. He assumed Elissa would be the first person he wanted to meet up with given their history.

"I will respect your wishes of course; although I must say I don't really understand why. I would think she would be happy to see you."

Roland grunted disapprovingly and shook his head from side to side. "She believes me long dead and gone; I have a new life that doesn't involve guarding her anymore. She'll forever be my best friend, but its best we stay on our separate paths for now." Alistair agreed by nodding, only vaguely understanding Roland's train of thought.

Desperate to change the subject Roland asked, "You still love her don't you?"

"Yes I do." Alistair heaved a heavy sigh of defeat. "As much as I've tried to; I've never been able to stop loving her."

"It's something she makes rather ease. I wish you could have known her before she became a Warden." Roland smiled sadly. "Well my boy, good luck on with your royal business and I hope she can give you the answers you seek." With that, the two men shook hands and went their separate ways

Alistair watched as Roland he walked off into a vacant merchant tent his fellow merchants had set up.

It suddenly dawned on him why he had come to Denerim in the first place. "Damn! I nearly forgot of my meeting with Anora." He wanted to groan aloud like a whining child.

Instead of waking the direction of the palace, his feet took him in to the Gnawed Tavern. His mind warned him, meeting with the Queen smelling like a brewery might not be the best of ideas, but he ignored his own advice. In order to meet with the Queen and keep his nerves in check; ale would be a huge necessity; he would stop himself at one pint.

Unfortunately, he had a hard time saying no to the serving girl who came by asking if he needed more. He drank until he the room became slightly blurred. In his own mind, he was now prepared to meet with the woman who had been a part of his own personal three-year hell.

* * *

Due to years as an experienced drunk, he knew he would be able to hide his actions and body language well enough. The smell was slightly more of a challenge. Not that he cared if the Queen noticed.

He left straight from the Gnawed Tavern for the Palace. Which had also had been rebuilt and expanded. The palace been rebuilt as well. Alistair had no doubt it expanded in order to match up with Anora's massive ego. He chuckled at himself. "_Aww, I wish someone had been here so I could have at least said it aloud_." He thought disapprovingly to himself

There was a guard waiting just outside the gate. He stopped and told the guard who he was.

"Her highness has been expecting you. Please follow me." He followed the guard, as he was lead to a room just outside the throne room.

"Please wait here while I inform the Queen of your arrival." The guard disappeared into the throne room.

Alistair waited. "I'll only wait because my other entertainment options are unbelievably dull in comparison."

He groaned softly to himself. _"DAMN. I need to take on a companion! All of the witty one-liner's I am coming out with are going to waste in my mind!"_

Eventually the guard returned, urging Alistair to follow him into the throne room. His glaze fell not on Anora, but the boy next to her. Alistair guessed his age to be at least three if not slightly younger.

_"I see you have wasted no time making a new heir." _He thought bitterly. _"Wonder which poor sod was tricked into sleeping with her?"_

Taking notice of his glares at her son, Anora smiled down at the boy at her feet and quietly urged her boy to be elsewhere. He smiled brightly, nodded vigorously at his mother and scurried away.

Anora sat above him dressed an expensive white and gold dress, her skin looking as if it had never seen the light of the sun, hair and make-up done to perfection. He stood beneath her in rags; long hair and looking like a typical beggar.

_"There is some sort of irony here to be sure."_

"I didn't expect you so soon," She said. "Actually I didn't expect to see you at all. I almost didn't recognize you with that thing on your face." She said waving her hand at his beard. She daintily smelled the air, scrunching her nose she asked, "Have you been drinking?"

"Your messenger was very…Persuasive." He said ignoring her poorly executed insult and question.

"Ah, yes, the Antivan has proven to be most useful. I'm hardly the one who sent him." She glared at the man beneath her. "Now allow me to tell you why I've asked you here."

"Grand. The short version is preferred." Alistair snapped.

"I find myself in dire need of a new Warden-Commander. Tis a problem I have ignored for far too long. You are still a Grey Warden of Ferelden, thus I offer the job to you." She said as she could barely keep the disgust from her voice

He could scarce believe it; the damn woman wanted to make him a Warden Commander of Ferelden. THIS was hardly expected, surely there had to be a reason to her sudden change of heart.

"You will of course be paid and housing will also be provided." She said dully. She could see suspicion written all over his face. She could hardly blame him, but the man could do slightly better in hiding such things.

"_Since when had the bitch queen become…..accommodating?" _

"I was under the impression you already had a Warden-Commander."

"If I did have one I wouldn't have called you here now would I? Do you want the job or no?" She snapped shortly. This man was beyond infuriating.

"I can't express to you how tempting it is to work in such close proximity to a woman whom called for my execution." His said each word dripping with cheerful sarcasm. "I believe I will have to pass. May I have my amulet now?" He demanded as he held out his hand.

"Yes, of course." She handed over his mother's amulet to the guard standing next to her, who brought it down to Alistair. He grabbed it and placed it in his pack.

"You have my thanks." He spat as they glared at one another for what seemed to be hours.

"Leave us." She barked at her advisors and guards. They all left without question or protest. It was just the two of them. It did nothing to put Alistair at ease. She pushed herself up from her chair and started down the stairs toward Alistair. "Are you that eager to go back to Val Royeaux? I was not aware whoring and drinking yourself into oblivion took precedent over your duties as a Warden. Walking about seems to be your preferred method doesn't it?" She said with a rare smile that was vindictive and frightening. Alistair wanted to shudder, but forced himself to remain calm.

"I retired." He said sadly. He wanted to take the job she offered. Not because of the title, it brought, but to be a Warden once again, to have something, which gave his life meaning, would have been….rewarding.

"You quit. It was simply easier to walk away was it not?"

"So what if I did. It's not like I was given very many options at the time." He growled. "Or do you remember things differently?"

"You would have asked to remain a Warden. I would have allowed it." This was news to him. Had he know he had that option at the time, he would have gladly taken it. In addition, he did not exactly stay around long enough to hear all of them.

Anora quickly regained control over her emotions. "I did not bring you here to argue over such petty things. Your fellow Wardens risked much to bring you here; they believe you are more than qualified to lead them. I suggest you take me up on my offer."

Damn, she was playing on his sense of honor. "I can honestly think of a million things far more entertaining than listening to this." He said dully. He would NOT allow her to intimidate or guilt him into taking the job.

"She was in Orlais five months after the blight ended. Her job was seeking aid from the Orleasian Wardens." She watched as his jaw clinched. She usually was not this blunt yet she could not help herself. He had hurt her Warden and friend and for that, he needed to pay.

"She recruited everyone from apostates, to the son of Arl Howe." She chuckled at Alistair's wide-eyed surprise. "Yes, everyone thought she was mad, but her ability to forgive traitors is nothing short of baffling." He flinched at the venom of her words. He knew what she said was true.

"With those she recruited and the few Wardens the Orleasian's could spare, she managed to save Amaranthine. She and her Wardens managed to defeat The Mother and her evolved darkspawn children."

"Evolved how?" He raised a quizzical brow. It was odd to hear evolved and darkspawn within the same sentence.

"According to Elissa's reports, they spoke intelligently and were skilled when setting up ambushes. You will have to ask Warden Howe or her Mage for any more details." She stopped looking directly into his eyes. Her cold gaze once again sending shivers down his spine. He thought it odd she did not tell him to ask Elissa. Why?

"I have gone completely off subject now haven't I? I was telling you of her trip to Orlais." Her smile slowly faded. She stood before him, her icy blue eyes filled with distain. "Since she was already in Orlais she decided to look for you. She wanted to apologize and explain everything to you, whether you wanted to hear them or not."

_MAKER! She had been in Orlais! Looking for me no less? _In a matter of moments, he had gone from somewhat miserable to utterly miserable.

"Would you believe she even entered an Orleasian tourney to find you?" Anora asked, "When that plan did not work, she took to searching the streets. It took her quite some time, but eventually she found you. She was surprised you had allowed your hair to grow and at how thin you had become."

"If she found me why didn't she say something? Why didn't she come speak with me?" He sounded urgent, but did not care. His Elissa had found him and did nothing. Why?

"She found you as you were entering a brothel."

Alistair paled. "Oh." Was all he could say_? "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" _His mind raced.

"She came back the night she found you, assuming since that was how you spent your nights; her sudden arrival would be an unwelcome intrusion." Her sad smile was something Alistair had not expected.

"Tell me Alistair," Her cocky smile made him sneer in turn. "How was that make you feel? Are you pleased with your revenge, however unbeknownst it may have been? Are you satisfied with the outcome? Or do you think she needs to actually be in a room with you while you and some who…"

"Please just stop." He begged desperate for her to shut the hell up. "You have your Commander."

"Finally, your inability to hear of difficult subjects proves to be useful." She said wearing a satisfied smirk and folding her arms across her chest.

Alistair knew what she had been doing, yet he fell right into her little trap. Fucking bitch queen. A deep, frustrated growl escaped from the back of his throat.

"You surprise me Alistair." She said, sounding genuinely impressed. "I did not think you would agree so easily. I shall call for your induction ceremony immediately." She turned her back towards him once again sitting on her throne.

"Yes, Your majesty." He felt dirty calling her that aloud. "I do have one question. It's something to do with Zevran's note."

"I hardly know what he wrote, but if it is a subject within my realm of knowledge I will gladly answer to the best of my ability."

"He mentioned something of Elissa's….Situation?"

"The Antivan writes too much." She muttered. "I am sorry Alistair, but that is one question I will not answer. Not because I wish to keep such a thing from you, tis something you will simply have to see for yourself." There was sadness in her eyes. Whatever was wrong with Elissa pained the Queen. Which struck Alistair as odd, not knowing the queen had a heart was most educational.

Knowing he would not get an answer from Anora, he bowed and walked towards the door.

"Alistair." She called after him. He stopped and turned towards the Queen. "I assume you know where she is?" She asked. Alistair nodded shortly. "Good, before you leave I must tell you. The Elissa you knew before you left is no longer there." With that, she dismissed him with a wave of her hand.

Having no idea what she meant, he simply nodded and bowed again before leaving. From the castle, he went directly to the Market district and sold enough of his weapons in order to buy a horse. In a move that surprised even him, he skipped a trip into the tavern. Instead, he set out immediately for Redcliffe Castle.


	5. Have we met?

The journey from Denerim to Redcliffe Castle was much shorter, mainly due to the fact that he was on horseback instead of on foot. It was a welcomed change, well worth the valuable daggers he sold in order to pay for the damn horse.

Camping in the middle of nowhere was still as horrible as it has he remembered it being. Only now, there was no one else with him to keep help keep watch out for bandits so he could sleep. He kept watch while his horse slept; it was only fair since the horse did most of the work during the day.

After his three days of traveling, he found himself wondering why he yet to come across any darkspawn. He had been looking forward to running his sword through a Genlock or two. _Had ALL of them disappeared after the Blight? Had all of them disappeared after her meeting with the Mother? _Yet another thing he would need to ask Elissa when he saw her. The list of questions was growing ever longer by the day.

The thought of seeing Elissa again made him far more nervous than he had been meeting with the Queen. It was enough to make his insides churn and want to vomit. He was scared of Elissa would react to seeing him again.

"Oh Maker, What if she has moved on? Perhaps she no longer loves me. Why the bloody hell didn't I think of any of this before leaving?" His mind screamed and whirled with possible outcomes of their first meeting in three years. He was positive he was making a bigger deal out of this than need be. No matter how hard he tried to keep his imagination under control, his mind wouldn't be denied the privilege of blowing things out of proportion.

As much as he wanted to stop into the nearest town and its tavern, Alistair this was a meeting, which sadly called for sobriety. Instead, he stopped his horse, ran behind the nearest tree and emptied his stomach of his latest meal.

* * *

He arrived at Redcliffe later that day. The sun was just starting to set upon his arrival. There were still soldiers still in the courtyard practicing their swordsmanship. Alistair left his horse with one of the guards, who appeared to be thrilled to do something that did not involve swinging a sword.

He made the long walk up the steps, pausing just before reaching the top step. He was not sure if he really wanted to enter. Before he could second-guess his decision, Alistair forced himself to walk up to the castle doors. He informed the guards at the doors who he was and asked to see the Arl if he was available. One of the guards disappeared inside the castle to let the Arl know of his arrival. He returned within a minute to usher him into the main hall.

Arl Eamon and Bann Teagan stood in the middle of the room. Eamon's eyes grew wide with surprise as his eyes repeatedly pass over Alistair.

_Disappointed in what you see uncle? _He thought bitterly as he felt the heat rise in his cheeks, as he was not used to being under so much scrutiny.

"Alistair?" Arl Eamon asked. Alistair took notice of how tired Eamon appeared. It looked as if he had not slept in days. He wondered if it was because of Connor. Alistair assumed the young Mage was now living in the Circle Tower. Alistair assumed Isolde was practically living within the tower. Just as well, he was no more eager to see the Arlessa than he had been to see the Queen.

"It's good to see you Arl Eamon." He said politely unable to keep his voice from shaking. Alistair was not sure if he actually was happy to see his uncle Alistair usually called the man "his uncle and a half") If Eamon had not pushed him to be King Alistair would still be a Warden of Ferelden. There was far too much blame to go around.

Eamon smiled sadly at the man before him in an attempt to put Alistair at ease. His pity was about as welcomed as a darkspawn attack.

"Good Maker above, Alistair!" Teagan bellowed as he smiled warmly and briskly walked across the room holding out his hand to shocked Alistair. "It's good to see you!" Teagan gasped Alistair's hand firmly before letting his hand drop back to his to be out done by his brother when it came to warm greetings, Eamon was quick to follow suit, of all the greetings, which had run through Alistair's mind; this wasn't among them.

"It's good to see you again, my boy." Eamon smiled. "I understand congratulations are in order. I hear you have taken over as Warden-Commander."

Alistair was flustered and at a loss for words, the two men in front of him chuckled lowly. Word really did travel quickly throughout Ferelden.

"Thank you?" He said modestly.

"Come my boy, you must be tired from your travels. I suggest you rest first, and then we will speak of your reason for coming." Eamon said as he placed his hand upon Alistair's back, leading him towards the guest rooms. Alistair shook his head.

"If it's all the same to you; I would prefer to hear of it now. What is this situation I keep hearing of?" He was tired and he was sure he had circles under his eyes, but if there was something wrong with Elissa he wanted to know, he NEEDED to know.

"Very well." Eamon released an exasperated sigh. "I suppose you would you like to see her?" Alistair nodded shortly. Eamon put his hand on Alistair's shoulder and lead him out of the main hall and down stairs through the guest hall.

"Are you looking for answers my boy? " Eamon asked loudly enough to where his question echoed throughout the halls. Alistair jumped at the sudden sound of his voice, but quickly recovered.

"Yes….I mean no…I mean…." Obviously frustrated, Alistair fumbled with his answer. Forcibly calming himself, he inhaled deeply. The deep breaths did little to help. "I was hoping she could answer some questions." He said as he mentally kicked himself for sounding so spineless. _Damn it, what is it about this damn place and turning me into a bumbling idiot?_

"Unfortunately, you've come a year and a half too late." Eamon let out a shaky sigh. "She can barely remember her own name much less something that happened three years ago."

"What Eamon is trying to say," Teagan suddenly interrupted knowing Eamon would take his sweet time with explaining the situation. "Is Elissa is not in her right mind." Teagan finished.

Alistair's heart sank at the news. He had assumed she was sick with some easily curable ailment. "What do you mean saying she's not right?"

"It was noticeable after the blight ended; she had a hard time remembering her own name; along with the names of others and places she has been. She speaks out loud to herself, claims she can hear the darkspawn who order her to do horrible things to herself." Teagan stopped only because Alistair held up his hand. There no desire to hear of the Darkspawn and their horrid prattling, he had a feeling he knew what the darkspawn ordered of her.

"Is she like this all of the time?" His worry for Elissa was overwhelming and almost shocking. He never believed he could worry about one person so much. He was barely worried about himself and his own state of mind.

"She has her good days and her bad. We never know what it will be from day to day." Eamon said.

"Does anyone know the cause?"

"Her Mage believes someone is poisoning her. Nor he or anyone else has actually been able to come up with any viable proof of such an accusation. She won't allow any Mage near her but her own; which makes any call for outside help from the Circle impossible. Whenever we've tried she locks herself in her room, and cuts herself." Eamon said stopping outside of Elissa's bedroom door.

"Maker's blood!" Alistair gasped. Madness was something he had wished upon her in his first year in Orlais. He knew it was his bitterness and anger speaking, but the felt guilt felt now was going to crush and consume him. _"You are completely stupid for wishing such a thing upon her." _

As if he could read Alistair's thoughts, Teagan slapped his hand on Alistair's shoulder, giving him a reassuring squeeze. "Don't do that Alistair." He said.

"Could it have something to do with the fade?" He suggested remembering what had happened with Connor and how thin the fade vale was within the castle. Teagan shook his head.

"We checked into that option first and quickly dismissed it. She was like this long before she ever arrived in Redcliffe. Also she would be hurting others if that were the fade were involved."

Alistair heaved a low and heavy sigh as he nodded in agreement.

"She suffers from insomnia as well. We have found a way to allow her sleep, but never lasts throughout the night and it is rather strange. We have found that she will sleep if someone is in the bed with her. "Teagan laughed at Alistair's obvious displeasure of someone other than himself sleeping next to Elissa.

"Come again?" Alistair asked dully while resisting the urge to run through the castle, killing every man who has slept beside her.

"It isn't like that Alistair. Nothing other than sleeping occurs; it's strictly with people she already is comfortable with." Teagan assured him.

"That is certainly….Interesting." He said through gritted teeth.

"She's is paranoid all the time." Teagan said sounding somewhat amused.

"I assumed her lack of sleep would lead to paranoia."

"I also need to warn you before we go in. Chances are she won't remember who you are and actually the horrid hair on your face only helps you." Teagan smirked.

"Thank you Teagan, it's good to know my beard has some valid use other than acting as conversation starter." He snapped.

"Her appearance may also shock you. She has scars all over her face and arms. She made them herself. We don't know why she does it. She has no hair; we had to cut it all in order to keep her from pulling all of it out." Eamon stated in a matter of fact tone. "Do you still want to see her?"He nodded vigorously, resisting the urge to run ahead of Eamon to open the door. Following closely behind Eamon, he walked into the neatly arranged room. He saw right away how she kept herself busy.

Elissa sat on the edge of her bed. Alistair nearly gasped aloud when he saw her. The rare silver hair, which had once been shoulder length, was now nothing but silver stubble. There were tiny scratches all over her face; most of which were in the process of healing. Her body looked so frail as if she had given up on eating anything. Her eyes looked heavy with sleep.

Despite all the scars and the short hair, Alistair found himself smiling at the woman before him. She was still the most beautiful woman in all of Ferelden. In his eyes and heart she always would be. He even found his animosity towards her lessening by the moment, but not completely. That would not disappear until he found the answers he needed.

Watching her for some time Alistair noticed her shaking, sweating profusely, breathing heavily and staring blankly at the wall ahead of her. It did not take him long to figure out what was wrong with her.

"She's going though Lyrium withdrawals." He said loud enough for both men to hear.

"Lyrium? That is Impossible." Teagan nearly yelled.

"I'm not wrong." He said defiantly. "I've seen Templars display similar symptoms." He took a step towards Elissa, taking special note of her vacant stare and shaking. "You both should have listened to her Mage."

"None of us even considered something as simple as Lyrium, although I'm not really sure why; it's not like Lyrium is difficult to find in these parts." Teagan said. Alistair looked over his shoulder at both men, who stared at Elissa with guilt written all over their faces.

"If she's having lucid moments it must not be raw Lyrium; which means whoever is giving it to her knows what they are doing." He thought to himself.

The door leading to Elissa's bathroom swung open. A dark haired man emerged from the bathroom, breaking Alistair's train of thought. He quickly took notice of the three men in the room.

"Can I assume that you are Alistair?" He asked.

"Yes, you can assume that."

"Good, I'm glad you're here Commander. I am Nathaniel Howe." He shook Alistair's hand; Alistair hesitantly returned the gesture.

"I'm not sure I'm as glad to be here yet, but thank you Warden." He said cautiously. Only time would tell him if returning had truly a mistake.

"I have much business to discuss with you, but I do believe it can wait until tomorrow." Wordlessly, the two men nodded at one another. "I'm off to fetch Ser Perth." He said before leaving

Eamon moved from the doorway, crossed the room and knelt in front of Elissa. He called her name several times before she earned her attention.

"I'm sorry I didn't see you there." She smiled warmly. Her voice was small, meek and nothing as Alistair remembered it being.

"It's all right my dear." He said keeping his voice gentle and calm. "You have a visitor." Her eyes hardened and narrowed slightly as her jaw clinched. "Stop that right now." Eamon demanded sternly. Turning his head slightly he looked directly at Alistair. Elissa followed his eyes, finally taking notice the unfamiliar man in her room.

"Are you a Mage from the circle?" She eyed him suspiciously.

"No."

"Are you from any dank corners of Orzammar, or the Deep Roads?"

"Ummm…no."

"Fade demon?"

"I should hope not."

"Good. Then I am pleased to meet you. I'm….umm…umm." She looked up to Eamon for help. He quickly reminded her of her name. "Yes, what he said."

"Yes, I know who you are." He sighed softly. "I'm Alistair."

"That's a funny name."

"Thank you?" He nearly laughed aloud. Her confusion, while sad was rather adorable in a strange way.

"I'm Sorry that was rude of me; you have a very nice name."

"Think nothing of it my lady."

She arched a brow in a curious manner as her eyes swept over his facial hair. "Doesn't your chin ever itch?"

"Goodness, my facial hair is certainly the center of everyone's conversation this week." He chuckled. "Yes, it does indeed make my chin itch. I happen to like it." This was a lie. He hated his long hair, and hair growing all over his face, he simply didn't care enough to cut it.

"All right, no need to get so defensive about it." She chuckled softly into her shaking hand. It gave Alistair some comfort to know that at least her laugh was ever the same. Her laughter soon turned into a massive coughing fit, sounding as if she would bring up a lung at any moment. It broke his heart watching her in such pain. "I'm all right." She assured a concerned Eamon and Teagan.

"You must be tired, my boy. Go get some sleep." Eamon urged Alistair, who nodded in agreement before bidding everyone a goodnight. On his way out, he grabbed Teagan by his sleeve urging him to follow.

"Is the Tavern in the village still open?"

"It can be if you play your cards right. When did you suddenly start drinking?"

Alistair laughed bitterly. "Teagan, I've been called back after three years, and asked to command the Wardens. I don't do commanding things! AND finding out the love of my life is being poisoned! Teagan, I need a whole fucking brewery at my disposal."

"This is the point where I'm supposed to tell you drowning in ale isn't going help her any."

"Yes it is, but it won't work." Alistair was already walking down the hallway.

Teagan smiled sympathetically at the angry man before him. "I have keys, let's go." Both already heading in the direction of the Tavern


	6. One night with you

With the Tavern unlocked, candles lit and a booth to sit in; Teagan went into a back room in order to scrounge up two mugs and ale. Alistair waited patently at their booth; he was deep in thought when Teagan returned moments later with two full mugs in hand. He set a drink in front of Alistair before sliding into the seat across from Alistair.

Both men sat in silence for sometime, staring into their drinks instead of drinking them. Alistair's mind was already working out a plan of action. How could he possibly help Elissa regain herself? Not just for the answers he sought, but because he truly loves her.

Teagan was mentally kicking himself for not seeing the signs sooner. Given past events, Lyrium is the first thing they should have suspected. Teagan was the first to break the silence.

"Lyrium." Teagan mused simply.

"A potion Mages use?" Alistair asked sarcastically as he brought his mug up to his lips. The ale was horrible, bitter and nearly undrinkable. He carefully set the mug down on the table, resisting the urge to cringe. "Sorry I thought we were playing a guessing game." He said noticing the glares Teagan was shooting in his direction.

"Her Mage; Anders, suggested it was Lyrium when her demeanor started changing, and when she started shaking for no reason. We should have listened to him." Teagan heaved a large and heavy sigh.

"Why wouldn't you? If anyone knows about Lyrium and its side effects it would be a Mage." He was honestly surprised Tegan had not bothered to listen to a Mage.

"As I said before; no one thought it would be that simple. Given our history with Mages no one pays him much mind."

"You don't say? What else could cause paranoia, voices, and self-mutilation?"

"Eamon thought it might have something to do with the already existing darkspawn dreams and her depression."

"He thought it was the taint?" Alistair chortled loudly. "That is a really stupid theory." He said though his laughter.

"Geez thanks Alistair. Please tell me what you really think." Teagan said dully. Alistair gave his drinking companion a non-committal shrug. "Does the taint play any part in her behavior?"

"Seeing as how we constantly dream of darkspawn anyways; I believe the taint may play some tiny part in her dreams. Moreover, why she can hear them speak since those were the last Darkspawn, she actually fought. its lyrium and actively taking it into your body that makes one act the way she is."

"Anders will be thrilled to learn he was right and we were wrong." Teagan muttered under his breath. Alistair shook his head.

"No one wants to be right about this sort of thing." Alistair said before pushing his mug towards Teagan. Grabbing the mugs, Teagan disappeared into the back room.

"Do you think this could have been prevented had I not left?" Alistair asked once Teagan returned.

"I'm not playing into the perpetual self-loathing thing you always do." Alistair glared at Teagan as he slipped across the booth from Alistair. "Don't give me that look, you know exactly of what I speak. The one where you blame yourself whenever you think something is your fault, or you could prevented something"

"I was merely asking a question." Alistair snapped defensively, knowing Teagan was completely correct. He was already thinking of ways he could possibly blame himself. ."Alistair, when your older and around humanity long enough, you'll quickly learn when someone wishes another dead badly enough, they will always find a way to get the job done." Teagan said.

"That is true enough I suppose." He sighed into his drink. He knew Teagan was right, but still Alistair was unable to hold back the sense of guilt of which was starting to overwhelm him.

"You either need to drink more or go get some sleep because you are really taking the fun out of drinking." Teagan said in a matter of fact tone. Taking the hint, Alistair stood up from his seat chuckling. There was no point in drowning his sorrows tonight; it would have to wait for another time.

"I suppose your right. I should probably get some sleep." He let out a mighty yawn showing just how exhausted he actually was. No amount of alcohol would be able to keep his eyes open tonight.

"I'll take you back." Teagan gathered their glasses while Alistair left money on the counter.

Both men walked back to the castle together. Teagan showed Alistair to his room and bid him a good night before leaving for his own. Alistair didn't even bother taking his clothes over before crawling into bed. Undressing would take far too much effort. He was asleep not long after his head hit his pillow.

* * *

The next morning Alistair, Nathaniel, Eamon and Elissa all sat around a rather large table eating breakfast in an uncomfortable silence. Elissa didn't understand why all the men were so grumpy. It was up to her to lighten the mood.

"So tell me Alistair." She said cheerfully as they ate. "How do we know one another?" All acts of eating suddenly paused. Not only had she remembered his name, but also she had assumed that had once known each other. All three men stared at her in complete and utter surprise. When prompted she explained how she could remember his name. She still found his name to be very silly and since his chin was fuzzy. It made him easy to remember.

"We traveled together three years ago." He said after swallowing a mouth full of soup. Eamon shot Alistair a look of Warning. It went completely ignored. He wasn't going to keep anything from her. If she asked for past information, he would gladly give it to her.

"Then you know Zev?" She asked excitedly. Alistair let out a frustrated sigh and nodded.

"Yes, I know Zevran." Alistair muttered. Elissa hardly noticed the bitterness dripping from his words.

Elissa looked at Nathaniel, who was doing his best to appear invisible. "Why is it I can remember Zev, but not him?" She asked Nathaniel.

"I don't know Elissa!" Nathaniel snapped loudly. The room quickly fell silent. Elissa's mood instantly changed from that of excitement to tears welling in her eyes.

"I'm sorry." Elissa replied sheepishly her lower lip quivering as if she were going to cry at any given moment, her eyes filled with tears as she stared sadly into her soup bowl. She placed her spoon down next to her bowl and placed her hands on her lap. "May I pleased be excused? I'd like to visit my garden if that's alright?" She asked softly not daring to make eye contact with anyone.

The Elissa he knew would never have stood for Nathaniel's short answers, or behavior.

Alistair stood up from his seat, walked next to Elissa's chair and offered her his hand. "It's been so long since I've seen a garden of any kind, if you wouldn't mind some company I would love to see what you've planted." He said his smile filled with the warmth he felt inwardly. An invisible string tugged at his heart when she looked up at him with her misty brown eyes. He had only ever seen her cry twice. He never wanted to bare witness to a scene like that ever again.

She nodded and slipped her small hand into his hand. He helped Elissa from her seat and let her lead him outside He shot a nasty glare in Nathaniel's direction, who purposely kept his eyes on his soup bowl in order to avoid looking at anyone.

She kept her hand inside of his as she led him outside. She led him to the right of the stairs. His eyes grew wide with surprise as he took in the sight of the biggest rose tree collection he had ever seen. He quickly noticed that all of them were red roses.

"Maker's breath." He breathed. He was sure she is doing this on purpose just to guilt him. _It will not, It will not work! It defiantly WILL NOT WORK!_ He repeated this to himself until he realized it wasn't working.

"Aren't they lovely?" She smiled brightly as she slowly pulled away from him. She gently cupped a blooming rose within her hands, brought it up to her nose and took in the scent the rose offered her. "They all smell of spice and honey." She said proudly.

"They are all very beautiful. But if you don't mind my asking, why do you plant just roses trees?"

"Looking at them and smelling them makes me happy. I show them love and care and they in turn bloom for me."

_It will not work, it will not work Maker damn it! _It was no use. He could no longer deny the fact that she was adorable.

"Why are they all red roses? Surely there are other colors you like as well."

"When it comes to my roses, they MUST be red." She grinned proudly. She carefully snapped a fully-grown rose from one of the nearby trees, walked over and presented it to him. "This is for you." She said shyly, a slight blush crept into her cheeks. "For being so kind and for coming out here with me." She gave him one of the most beautifully warm smiles he had ever seen.

_DAMN IT! LOOK AWAY! _His mind screamed. By then it was too late, he was a man lost in beautiful smiles, and soulful dark brown eyes. .

"Thank you Elissa. It's beautiful."

She cleared her throat. "I didn't answer your question though did I?" She said as she lowered herself on the ground. "I'm afraid it's not really a question I can answer in full. I remember receiving a red rose from someone very special to me. I don't remember if it was a he or a she, but I know I really liked them a lot. More than I have ever liked anyone in my life. I've liked roses ever since." She paused only to sigh in frustration. "I wish I could remember who gave it to me."

"Will no one here tell you?" He asked as he took a spot on the ground next to her.

"No. Even if they did I doubt I would remember." She stared sadly at the ground in front of her.

"Elissa I gave you that r…."

"Commander!" Nathaniel interrupted as he bellowed from the stairway.

_MAKER-FUCKER! Of course, you would come out now!_

"Yes Warden Howe/." He called out between clinched teeth.

"It would be best to discuss our business now, if only to get it out of the way." He bellowed from the stairway. "Elissa you should come in as well it's getting rather chilly out."

"I'm sorry my dear lady, it looks as if we'll have to come out here and discuss roses some other time." Alistair said pushing himself up off of the ground, he held out his hand to Elissa of which she quickly took. The walked up the stairs together, Elissa did not let go of his hand until they were in front of Nathaniel.

"Elissa, I apologize for snapping at you." Nathaniel said. "There was no excuse for it."

She smiled warmly. "Did you snap? It's all right." She looked from Nathaniel to Alistair. "Thank you for coming out with me. I hope to do it again." She said before she walked ahead of the two men into the Castle. Eamon waited for her just inside the main hall. He led Elissa back to her room.

The two Wardens walked in the direction of the dining room. "How much did the Queen tell you?" Nathaniel asked, as they both took their seats across the table from one another.

"Not much, I can assume my job requires a vast amount of traveling, meeting with other Wardens from other countries, and recruiting." The very thought of recruiting was enough to send his stomach into a bundle of nervous knots. He had never been good with people and now he would have to go about the country recruiting them.

"There is a little more too commanding than that." Nathaniel motioned for Alistair to take a seat next to him. "There is paper work involved." Alistair groaned. Nate rolled his eyes and nodded in agreement "I know, I know. The requests for personal appearances are almost never ending."

"Before we continue, might I ask a question?"

"Of course you may."

"Why did you all choose me? I'm not exactly a shining example of Warden faithfulness."

"That is not what Elissa told Anders and me. She would speak quite fondly of your unwavering Warden dedication." Nathaniel's brow rose slightly at Alistair's surprise.

_What?_

"I don't agree with your deserting, but I am willing to overlook that transgression for the sake of the Wardens and Elissa." Nathaniel sneered disdainfully. He was making it very apparent to Alistair that he was greatly disliked.

_That is fine_. Alistair thought bitterly_. I'm not here to make friends_. "Fair enough I suppose." Alistair mumbled.

"The Warden's base of Operation is Vigil's Keep in Amaranthine. However, at the moment the Keep is under massive construction, which is why we're making use of Soldier's Peak."

"Good to know." Alistair nodded shortly.

"You will need to bring any new recruits to Soldiers Peak."

"Yes Warden, I gathered that much."

"If Anders or I can break away from Amaranthine and Redcliffe long enough, we will be coming to check on your progress. This isn't to baby you; this is by the Queen's orders for obvious reasons."

"The reasons must be obvious to only you because they sure as hell aren't to me."

"She is very…..concerned."

He sighed and rolled his eyes. "I'm sure you meant to say paranoid."

"Yes. She is rather paranoid. She believes the moment we look away you will use your new Commander status and recruiting ability to orchestrate an uprising against her crown."

Alistair's laughter echoed though out the castle. "That crazy cow is STILL convinced I want her crown?" He shook his head. "Fine, if it will give her peace of mind, I have no problems with being checked on from time to time."

"I would also like to encourage you to come by Redcliffe whenever you may have any free time. Elissa has taken a liking to you." Nathaniel smirked. "She has NEVER given a rose to any of us."

"I was planning on working Redcliffe visits into my busy schedule." He stated coolly.

"In your recruiting efforts, you may way to avoid Haven. They….."

"That will not be a problem." Alistair said quickly.

"That's about it I believe." Nathaniel said thoughtfully.

"I have a question if you wouldn't mind answering." Alistair said quickly. "Why aren't there any darkspawn about?"

"Oh yes, that is an important bit of information." Nathaniel took a deep breath before continuing. "Elissa made a deal, which someone who promised they could stop any darkspawn attacks. So far he's kept to his word." Nathaniel said not sounding the least bit convinced neither was Alistair. "Now that I've used up the afternoon, go get some rest, I'm sure you're still exhausted."

Alistair wasn't, but he wouldn't mind some time alone in his room. He thanked Nathaniel for all of the information and his faith in his ability to Lead (or pretending to have faith).

"Thank Elissa, She had more faith in your ability to lead anyone else did." He said before leaving for the courtyard.

Before leaving for his room, he grabbed a book on magical transfigurations. He spent the remainder of the afternoon reading.

* * *

Hours later and nearly nighttime, there came a small knock on his door. Alistair set the book on his nightstand and pushed himself up from his bed. He opened the door to find a nervous looking Elissa looking.

"Well, hello there." He smiled warmly.

"Oh thank andraste I finally got the right room." She breathed a soft sigh of relief. "I was told by someone where your room was, but then I forgot and then I got lost." She babbled nervously. "Ummm, I'm all by myself in my room and I'm rather lonely. So I was wondering if you weren't doing anything if you might like to keep me company." She mumbled quickly and almost incoherently. Had Alistair not been paying close attention to every word, it would have needed repeating.

"Of course I will. Why have you been left all alone?"

"Oh ummm…that one man…umm….

"Nathaniel?" Alistair offered.

"Yes that's it. He went off to find someone to stay the night with me. He is taking a very long time though. I left my room for a bit, so I thought I would look for you. I asked someone in the hallway and that's when he told me where you were." She said. Alistair stepped outside his room, closed his door and walked with Elissa back to her room. Once inside she sat told him he could sit on the bed if he wanted. She sat in the only chair, which did not give him any other choice.

"Do you stay in your room all day long?" He asked.

"I honestly don't know." She jumped enthusiastically from her bed "Let me check these." She retrieved some paper she left on her dresser. She flipped through the pages reading. She took a seat next to Alistair on the bed while flipped through the pages. "According to my own writings, I sit outside watching the soldiers fight and wish I could do the same."

"They won't let you spar?"

"I don't know." She yawned. "It's all very frustrating. I hate not being able to remember anything. I can't remember the last time I ….the last time I…." She trailed off. The papers in her hand fell to the floor; her head fell lightly upon his shoulder.

"Elissa?" He asked frantically. Her breaths were steady which told him she had fallen asleep. He turned backwards just as the door opened. Nathaniel stepped in, smirking.

"Oh good, she found you. Well goodnight."

"You planned this?" He asked sounding rather cynical.

"I am a planer of nothing." He took a step back towards the door. "Well, goodnight then." Nathaniel shut the door on Alistair's whispered protests.

"Maker damn it." Alistair muttered as he looked down at Elissa. He carefully gathered her frail body into his arms moving her on to her pillow. He carefully placed several blankets over her. He thought about leaving, but quickly decided against it as she started to wake.

"I'm sorry, I'm up." She said groggily. Not bothering to undress and remembering her borderline insomnia, he quickly blew out all of her candles and slipped into bed next to her. As if she could sense the body next to her, she snuggled up against his chest and wrapped an arm around his waist. His body stiffened as desire suddenly struck him.

"No, not tonight." He told himself sternly.

"Alistair, I've missed you." She mumbled into his chest.

"Shit." He whispered as he slid his hand across her cheek. "You really are going to be the death of me." He said smiling over his shoulder. It took him no time at all to fall asleep. He slept peacefully for the first time in three years


	7. The over protective assassin

**A/N: Not a lot happens in this chapter, but there is much talking. I try to make myself do more dialogue and sweet scenes because it's something I'm not extremely comfortable with. Action scenes are more my thing.**

As Elissa's door creaked as someone opened it. Alistair forced his eyes remained closed, but he was awake and alert. He could hear light footsteps creep quietly across the room. Who ever had entered the room stopped at the end of the bed, and the sounds of what Alistair guessed to be a bowl was set down on top of Elissa's nightstand.

A low toned chuckle came from the end of the bed. Alistair knew that chuckle all too well. The footsteps stopped right beside him. Alistair smiled and waited until he could feel Zevran's warm breath against his ear before his hand flew up, gripping his neck and squeezed.

"Hello Zevran." Alistair whispered cheerfully as he slowly opened his eyes, turned his head ever so slightly and gazing up at the amused elf hovering above. "Just the elf I wanted to see."

"You want to see me? I'm truly touched War…." His words cut by Alistair's hand placing more pressure against the elf's neck.

"What was that? I did not quite understand you. I was sure you saying how sorry you were for breaking into my room and stealing my amulet."

"You must be hard of hearing then Alistair. You should have that checked." Zevran smirked. He grabbed hold of his hand, guiding them up his neck slightly, stopping just under his Adam's apple. "If you mean to kill me you'll need to push right here and much harder. I can still breathe." He winked. A smirk tugged at Alistair's lips.

"I knew you liked it rough Zevran, but I honestly had no idea you liked it **that** rough." Alistair returned his sly wink. Zev's eyes grew wide with surprise. Alistair sighed and released the air-deprived elf, shoving him backwards. Zevran was quick to regain his balance.

"You are by no means a morning person are you?" Zevran said still catching his breath.

"No, I'm not." Alistair said, slipping out of bed silently so not to disturb Elissa. "I don't like my belongings being taken from me; keep that in mind. If it happens again it won't be my hand around your throat, but my sword." He whispered harshly as he walked past the Elf and into the bathroom.

Zevran smirked, opening his mouth to say something. At that moment, Elissa yawned softly and stretched. "Ah, il mio amico, you are finally up!" Zevran slid in bed next to Elissa. "I brought you food."

Elissa made no answer as she turned to face Zevran. She was breathing hard as if it were impossible to catch her breath. Zevran tenderly ran his hand over her cheek. "Can you sit up for me?" He purred gently, she obeyed without question.

Watching from the bathroom doorway, Alistair growled in frustration and staggered into the bathroom. Maker, but he was jealous. HE wanted to be the one Elissa trusted to bring her food "why am I jealous of that stupid little elf? She's never liked him in that way." He whispered aloud as he ran his shaking fingers though his hair. Watching her around other men still made him unbelievably angry. It was something he knew he was going to have to work on controlling. "Get a hold of yourself." He demanded himself to stop shaking before opening the door.

She sat up in her bed as Zevran slid the spoon in between her lips, cringing at the taste of whatever he was giving her.

"Would you like to?" Zevran held the spoon offering it to Alistair. He shook his head. He looked down at the contents of the bowl and suddenly understood why she cringed. "What is this shit?" He sneered at the yellow contents in the bowl.

"It is something that will make her feel better." He stated, but did not elaborate any further. He brought the last bit of soup up to her lips. Her face scrunched in disgust as she swallowed.

Elissa suddenly realized Alistair was watching and quickly looked away; a flush coming into her cheeks. She slipped out of bed and disappeared into her wardrobe.

"I assume since you are here that you've accepted the Queens offer?" Zevran asked quietly. Alistair nodded.

"Yes." He did not bother to keep the bitterness out of his voice. "She was very evil and persuasive."

"Congratulations, Commander." Zevran said. Alistair bit back a dissatisfied groan.

"I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be in Command." Alistair said between clinched teeth.

"I'm in a place and with a woman I swore off long ago. I don't want anyone's congratulations." _I'm not like her, I'm not a natural leader. _

"I could kill you and end what you see as suffering. Would that make you feel better? Here is an idea Warden: you could try viewing as this an opportunity instead of a punishment. In this day and age, redemption is something a man rarely is offered." Zevran said as he disappeared into the wardrobe after Elissa.

Alistair leaned against Elissa's nightstand as he thought on Zev's words._ Second chances? BAH! _

Elissa walked out of her wardrobe smiling and dressed in Grey armor. Whatever Zevran had given her worked fast, her sweating and shaking had almost completely subsided.

"Sorry, I just need to get something from my stand." She said smiling bashfully. The corners of Alistair's lip curved upwards.

"Excuse me, my lady." He mumbled as he stepped out of her way. He took an even further step back when he saw Elissa pull out two daggers. Zev laugh softly at his reaction.

"Do not worry your self my friend; they are enchanted Daggers, specially made for her. They feel real, but the only thing they'll cut is butter"

"She told me yesterday that no one allows her to spar."

Zevran glanced over at Elissa, who was in her own little universe. "We allow her to fight when she wish, we just don't allow her to do anything with real weapons. It would be far too dangerous."

"It's hard to imagine her being anything other than dangerous with daggers. Although I must say if it's Howe she's fighting I'm not really worried about her hurting him." They followed behind Elissa though the guest wing, up to the main hall and into the courtyard outside. A rather sizable crowed at begun to gather near the base of the stairs.

"Alistair, he isn't his father; Nathaniel is a good man."

"Sure, whatever you say." Alistair said dismissively and rolled his eyes. They joined the crowed. "What did you give her? I've never seen anyone come back from a Lyrium withdrawal so quickly."

Zevran made no effort to answer, which only angered Alistair. _Why is everyone so damn secretive around here? It is really starting to piss me off._ He thought to himself. The crowd of soldiers fell silent as Elissa and Nathaniel both room a fighting stance across from one another.

They ran towards one another; Nathaniel made short slashes at Elissa's face. She brought her dagger up protectively across her face, successfully deflecting Nathaniel's daggers and slightly knocking Nathaniel off balance. He was quick to recover and with near lightening speed, he was berating Elissa with a flurry of slashes. Matching his speed with great ease, Elissa deflected his attacks. Their daggers met in midair both staggering backwards. They moved around each other quickly in order to catch the other off guard. Daggers flew either to block or to slash. Alistair could barely follow their movements they were so fast.

"Both Nathaniel and Zev take turns dueling with her, since the three of them have similar skills. It's only to keep her skills keen." Teagan came up beside him. Grinning as he said, "Plus it always makes for a hell of a show. The men here love watching her fight" Alistair rolled his eyes and turned his attention back towards the duel.

Their daggers clashed once again, this time Nathaniel aimed for her shoulder. She easily blocked him with the hilt of her dagger. She pushed him off balance by kicking him firmly in the ribs; she waited until He doubled over in pain to make her move. With lightening speed, she was hovering over him, pressing her dagger firmly against his neck. Nathaniel's body tensed. His eyes locked on hers and a rare playful smirk began to take form.

"Surely you aren't expected me to surrender Elissa?"

"I'm expecting nothing." She narrowed her eyes at Nate. Just as suddenly, she grinned down at him and said cheerfully, "But surrender would be nice."

"Oh, well in that case," His foot inched around and swept her feet out from under her. Elissa yelped in surprise as she fell backwards on to the ground. He loomed over daggers pressed against her neck. "I shall accept yours." Elissa broke out into a fit of laughter as she threw up her hands; allowing her daggers to drop to the ground.

"I submit to your superior skills!" She yelled proudly as the crowd cheered and laughed along with her. Alistair could not decide if she had let him win or if Nathaniel was indeed the better fighter.

"Does she usually take these fights this seriously?"

"Yes." Zevran rolled his eyes and sighed. "She does not see the point in fighting at her full potential if all she can use are fake daggers."

"Oh no! My love has been defeated!" Anders bellowed from the main gates. Alistair guessed by the robes, this was her Mage he had heard so much about. Alistair glanced over at Elissa, who looked at the man as if he had grown a second head.

The Mage hopped off his horse. A smallish figure jumped off after him, but it was too fast for Alistair to see or make out what it might have been "My love, you've forgotten me once again? I'm hurt. Only mad lovemaking can cure such forgetfulness!"

"Maker's breath, Anders, have you no shame?" Nathaniel yelled as he turned to Elissa, offering her his hand and helping her off the ground. Anders gave him and the crowd a noncommittal shrug.

"Obviously I do not." Anders said in a matter of fact tone, which appeared to annoy Nathaniel to no end. The Mage quickly resumed his attentions on Elissa. "Come to me, my love!" He urged loudly as he held his arms open waiting for her to run into them.

Elissa's expression went from that of confusion to excitement. Her eyes lit up and she ran towards the Mage.

_Elissa! _His mind whined loudly.

"Ah." Zevran chuckled softly. As if sensing the Warden's distress, Zevran turned his head upwards to look at Alistair. "Just watch."

Elissa ran past Anders open arms, stopped beside his horse, and swooped up the object that had fallen from Anders horse

"SER-POUNCE-A-LOT!" She squeaked happily, as she snuggled the calm cat to her body.

The entire courtyard erupted in a fit of laughter. "Is that a cat?" Alistair asked though his laughter.

Zevran nodded "Yes, she remembers furry adorable animals. This could come in handy for you my dear Commander. "

"Arse. " Alistair muttered under his breath.

Anders stood with his arms still out, slowly he dropped them to his side, his face twisted in fake hurt and his lips pressed thinly together. "You don't remember me, but you remember my damned cat? That is just cruel of you my love." His eyes followed Elissa as she walked past him and up the castle steps.

She looked over her shoulder; grinning from ear to ear. "If you were half as lovable and adorable as your cat remembering you would be far easier." She flashed a grin before disappearing into the castle. The courtyard erupted in more laughter.

Anders joined in. "MY LITTLE SPITFIRE!" He proclaimed loudly.

Anders met briefly with Nathaniel, who informed the him of Alistair's arrival. The curious Mage's immediately searched out crowd for the first non-familiar face. When his eyes fell upon Alistair, the two men sized each other. Anders excused himself from Nathaniel's company in order to introduce himself to his new Commander.

"You must be Alistair." He said holding out his hand to Alistair who hesitant took it. "It's a pleasure to meet you. I am Anders; Warden, Mage, feared by darkspawn and adored by women everywhere." He grinned widely.

"Adored," Zevran snorted disbelieving of Ander's self-proclamation of suaveness. "I would believe women everywhere were appalled by your charms."

"Say what you will Zev, but women can't resist a good man in a fine robe." He winked at the elf.

"It's good to meet you." Alistair smirked. He found himself liking the Mage. It was odd to find a Mage with a sense of humor; much less, a Mage who is sense of humor happened to be similar to his own.

"I understand you are en ex-templar." Anders eyed his Commander suspiciously. Alistair suddenly found himself shifting uncomfortably in his shoes.

"I was conscripted before I was able to take my final vows. I'm more of a former unwilling trainee "He saw Anders shoulders relax.

"Good. I hold no love for templar's, I tend to anger them and make them want to kill me. I think they just hate wit and charm." He grinned as Alistair chortled.

"Anders," Teagan interrupted. He and Eamon were on either side of Alistair. Both men were looking as if they were going to a funeral. "We owe you an apology; Alistair confirmed what you have been telling us for sometime."

"Ah, the Lyrium thing; don't worry about it, I'm used to no one listening to me."

Nathaniel came up beside Anders, looking at Alistair before speaking. "Now that Anders is here, I think we should be going." He looked at Alistair. "I know you just arrived, but the sooner you get settled into your new routine; the more comfortable you'll feel."

"Of course." Alistair sighed._ More traveling, Fucking Fantastic_

"Go on ahead and say goodbye to Elissa." Nathaniel suggested. Alistair turned on his heels, ran up the stairs and disappeared into the castle.

He found Elissa in the hall playing with the cat. She looked up at Alistair as he approached and smiled brightly. "Hello!"

"Actually I came to say goodbye." Alistair could hardly keep the sadness from his voice. He sighed as Elissa's smile quickly disappeared.

"Oh. I see."

"I'll be back." He promised and meant it.

"Right, of course you will." She said dully.

"If I gave you my absolute word and0 promised to return would you believe me?"

"No one comes back here to see me unless they have to. So no I would not." She nearly spat.

"I swear to you upon my honor as a Warden that I will be back," He promised as he knelt down and brought his pack out in front of him. Reaching inside, he pulled out his mother's amulet and slipped the amulet around her slender neck. "This is very important to me. You helped return it to me several years ago, which makes it even more special. I will be back for this, but for now I will trust you to keep it safe." He smiled tenderly as an excited Elissa caressed the silver around her neck.

"I swear to you that no harm will come to it while in my care!" She declared proudly.

"Of that I am sure of Eli." He kissed her on her forehead. She blushed and thanked him before he left in the direction of the guest wing.

He made a stop by his room; he could not very well leave the rose she gave him sitting by his bed. Alistair placed it in a handkerchief, wrapped it and tucked it safely away in his breastplate.

By the time, he returned to the courtyard; Nathaniel had their horses out and saddled. As he made his way towards his horse, Zevran pulled him aside.

"Nathaniel told me she sought you out last night. That is most unusual for her. Some part of her might still remember you or it might be something else. Just know that I will be keeping a very close eye on you and if I see you anywhere near a brothel you WILL regret it."

Not appreciating Zevran's threats, Alistair allowed his temper flared as he spoke. "Zevran, I'm fairly sure I will be spending most of my time from now until I'm allow to retire recruiting all over Ferelden, partaking in joining rituals, training new Wardens, endless amounts of paperwork, visiting Elissa in hopes that one day she remembers me, and maker knows what else. When the fuck am I going to have time to visit any brothels?"

"A man can always find time for such pleasures, but it's good to know it's far from your mind. Good luck to you Commander." He turned his back, casually strolling back towards the castle before Alistair could say anything more. Alistair and Nathaniel left together for Soldier's Peak.

* * *

The journey itself was uneventful and neither man spoke to the other. There was nothing to say.

Nathaniel wanted to know how such an oaf of a man could procure the affections of a beautiful and rational woman like Elissa Cousland. Alistair was curious as to why Elissa could become such close friends with a boorish man such as Nathaniel Howe.

After three and a half days of uncomfortable, silent traveling, they arrived at a bustling Soldier's Peak. With the single blow of a horn, every Warden had gathered in the courtyard.

Alistair estimated the Warden number at about five hundred, maybe more. _Elissa, Nathaniel and Anders have certainly been busy._

Nathaniel formally introduced Alistair as the new Warden-Commander to his fellow Wardens and recruits. Everyone simultaneously crossed their arms in front of their chests, saluting the new Commander. Alistair did his not to allow his anxiety and fear that he felt show outwardly as he returned the salute.

After the formal introductions were completed, Nathaniel led him to his new study. He took note of the stack of letters, and other various papers stacked on his desk.

"I haven't even been in charge for a full week, and already people are begging for things I can't possibly give them. How can I have so many requests already?"

"I'm sure after informing her staff; the Queen informed every noble in Ferelden. Most of these letters will be asking for personal appearances; expect many more to come."

"I'm sure the Queen's advisers and the nobility just loved hearing of my return to Ferelden."

"Actually, I'm sure they did. Her allowing you into a leadership position show's the people and nobles alike just how forgiving she is."

Alistair groaned, "As long as my return can make her look good to the people in some way, I suppose all is well in Ferelden." He said drearily.

Nathaniel nodded in agreement, as he handed Alistair a letter. "On that note, here's a letter from the Queen. No doubt with your living arrangements detailed inside."

"I'm sure she has chosen a very lovely swamp for me to live in." Alistair opened the letter and looked over the note within. Carefully, he read through the note, felling his eyes grow wide with surprise with the end of every sentence. "Maker's breath, she has given me the Arl of Denerim's estate."

"Well it does make commuting back and forth rather easy."

"It also makes it easier for her to keep an eye and tight leash on me." He was far too tired to care.

"Nathaniel, I know you said the sooner I start learning my way around my new duties the sooner I would adapt; in theory I completely agree with this, but I've been traveling non-stop for a month. All I ask is for three days of rest before I start in on my new duties. Since I'll be in Denerim, I'll start recruiting at the Alienage before I come back."

"Commander," Nathaniel chuckled. "You don't have to ask for my permission. You're the one in charge, remember?"

"Oh yeah, I keep forgetting about that. Leave me a list on my desk; I'll be back in three days time."

"I suggest you leave one of the other Wardens in charge until you return. One thing I must insist you not put off for too long is plans for your welcoming ball." Nathaniel smirked.

"Excuse me?" He could hardly keep the disgust out of his voice. He had been to only a hand full of Balls. He thought them to just be a horrid excuses for desperate men and women to come together, flaunt themselves about, hoping to catch the eye of some overly wealthy dimwit , all while appearing fancy. It was a display, which never ceased to disgust him.

"We need to discuss the details of the welcoming ball being held in your honor." He repeated. "We will discuss that next time we meet. I will make out a list of your basic duties before I leave for the Keep."

Before Alistair could protest or reply; Nathaniel walked out of the study. Alistair sighed and walked away in the opposite direction.

"I really should have seen that coming." He growled as he mounted his horse. The whole way to his new estate, he thought up ways he could get out of attending the ball with minimal success. He decided to do what he had always done when he was frustrated; he would raid the liquor cabinet.


	8. Finding answers

**A/N: I decided not to add the Landsmeet in to the journal (soon to come) entries. I wanted this next bit to be a bit more personal for Alistair. **

_I have servants. _Alistair thought to himself as he stood in the main hall watching the servants fussing over him. He pondered over everything, amazed at how dramatically his life had changed over the past several weeks. While it was several steps up from the life he was leading in Orlais, he wasn't sure if he should be pleased with his current situation.

The servants had anticipated his arrival; having his room ready and the smell of roasting meat filled the entire house. He was starving.

A friendly elven servant led the way to his room. It was a medium sized room filled with bedroom like essentials: A massive bed, along with an equally massive bath, wardrobe and nightstands. Before the servants left, he asked them to bring any type of hard liquor within the larder. The servants acknowledged his request with a bow. They quickly scurried away and search of his drinks.

It did not take them long to find what he required. The elven servant brought in a large bottle of gin. Alistair had the bottle opened before the servant had even begun to leave his room. Managing to finish half the bottle before fatigue, he only just managed to get himself into bed before passing out. He managed to stay asleep for two whole days.

He dreamt of Elissa; however, these dreams were different from his dreams of her in Orlais. These dreams did not morph into his usual Landsmeet nightmare. They remained pleasant and eventually became rather…stimulating.

The first visit to the estate had been due to less than desirable circumstances. There was far too much sneaking about and fighting to explore. Now that it belonged to him, it was time to explore the massive estate. During his exploration, he managing to get himself lost several times. Thankfully, there was always a servant near by who would gladly point him in the right direction. His current mission was to find the larder.

He gaped at the massive larder, which was the size of three large bedrooms. Merely gazing upon the amount of food within the larder made him drool. The cook suddenly entered from a near by room. A thin, smallish grey haired woman, who happened to be overly friendly and thankfully was well acquainted with the appetite Grey Warden possessed.

She gladly made him everything from steak to pies; he, in turn, gladly devoured them all. His cook informed Alistair she had always been afraid Warden Cousland would eat every bit of food the larder had to offer.

"No one told me this used to belong to Elissa's?" Now he knew why Anora had given him the estate. "_Placing me in her house; No wonder the Queen was so willing to place me here. Is the best you can do? You're slipping Anora."_ He thought, almost snickering aloud.

"You know the former Commander do you?" He nodded with a mouth full of pie. "Commander Cousland would stay here when she had business with the Queen or whenever she needed to take herself a holiday. She ain't come in some time though. I wonder if that job of hers finally done her in?"

Alistair jaw clenched, but he remained silent on the subject. Instead, he decided to change the subject, but still keeping it focused on Elissa. "How long has it been since her last visit?"

The cook tapped her finger against her chin as she silently added up the months in her head. "Why it's been nearly a year, maybe more since any of us have seen her."

"Could you by chance tell me what her favorite room was?"

"Aside from my larder you mean? Without a doubt, it would be the library. She would spend all day there writing and reading."

With his meal devoured, Alistair excused himself and walked aimlessly around the estate in hopes of eventually finding the library. Finding the library would have taken hours instead of ten minutes had he not found more servants in the hall. The library was rather sizable and most impressive. He stood in the entrance staring in awe not even noticing the old man standing next to him, until the old man cleared his throat. Which nearly had Alistair jumping out of his skin.

"Excuse me young man, but you wouldn't happen to be the new Warden-Commander would you?"

"Yes I am." It was a title, which made him vastly uncomfortable, but he would have to get used to hearing it at some point.

"Would your name happen to be Alistair?"

"Yessss." Alistair raised an inquisitive brow.

"This was left here for you." He said handing Alistair leather bound notebook. "It's all of Warden Cousland's notes on the darkspawn. I assumed that it might be of some use to you."

"Have you read any of it?" He asked as he carefully opened the book, skimming through its handwritten pages.

"I have read through it more than once. I must say most of her information is frustratingly vague." He said. "Feel free to take the book with you, all I ask is that you please be careful with it."

"Of course. " Alistair assured the scholar before leaving the library. After spending much of the day walking around aimlessly, and rather eager to learn of the Darkspawn, he decided it was time to wander back to his room. He sat down on the edge of his bed and began reading the handwritten notes.

"I get it now. Urthemiel is the name of the last old god. How did she learn it's name?" He muttered. The old scholar was right; her information was vague. Given he had no knowledge of any of this before hand it was still helpful to some extent. The lack of in-depth information almost appeared to be on purpose. There were short cliff notes and drawings. But not much in the way of why she had made her deal with the Architect. "Damn." He muttered as he shut the book.

There was a knock at the door. A servant held out a silver food-serving dish, filled with every type of cheese imaginable. "The cook told us we were to give you these." She smiled as she handed Alistair the trey.

Alistair sighed happily before taking the dish and thanking the servant. "Maker bless that wonderful woman." Alistair mumbled with a mouth full of cheese. So not to get any food on the darkspawn journal, he opened his nightstand, tossing the book inside. The noise the lack of noise the book made when hit the wooden drawer peaked his curiosity. Usually books at least thud when they hit wood.

Upon closer inspection, he realized someone had gone though pain staking measures to build a secret compartment. Within the compartment, there was leather bound book and a slightly larger booklet held together by some string.

Carefully, he took out the book held by string. "What the bloody hell are these things?" He muttered aloud as he fell to his bed and opened to the first page. His eyes skimmed over the handwritten notes, he soon realized what he had discovered. His heart was racing with excitement.

"Holy maker above, she left her journals." He said breathlessly within the depths of his mind Alistair knew reading someone else's journal was wrong, even despicable. He didn't care. He would finally be able to read the workings of her inner mind. He also wanted to know how she really felt about him.

He closed the loosely bound journal and was about to reach for the leather bound book, when a folded up sheet of parchment fell out and landed at his feet. He picked up the sheets and noticed something written on the outside.

_To Alistair_

Not knowing what to expect, he slowly unfolded the letter. The letter itself was at least five pages long. _I guess she had a lot to say_. He began to read the long letter:

_My dearest Alistair:_

I don't know how many of these letters I've written; they all end up in the fire since they all sound unbelievably dull and horrid after I finish writing one._ I have no doubt this will end up in the same place as all the others did. I hope to write one complete, non-horrid sounding letter before Zevran leaves for Orlais. _

_You deserve an explanation and I fear I won't be able to give one if we were to meet again. That is not important, right now I can remember, so I shall simply write what you deserve to know. _

_I knew my decision at the Landsmeet was idiotic and selfish. I didn't even base my decision on what was best for Ferelden; I based it on what was best for you and me. Maybe that is why I didn't explain things as well as I should have. Maybe I hoped my decision would send you to some far off place, where I knew you would be safe. _

_I should have explained the repercussions of killing an Archdemon far better than I did. I should have told you it involves two souls in your body, fighting for control. Riordan told me it's painful beyond imagination. Seeing as how I could not convey this information to you before hand, I made the decision that I did. I couldn't bare the thought of someone I love so much killing the arch demon, and dying. _

_This is why I allowed Loghain to live; I didn't care if he redeemed himself by killing the damn dragon. It was a loophole, I saw a way out and so I took it without any thought to how anyone else felt. I should have told you this, I should have told you everything up front it was stupid of me to keep such things from you._

_I must say, you surprised me in fighting my decision. I was so proud of you; to stand up for yourself, not allowing me or anyone else to sway your decision and to stand something you believe in so adamantly. I know it may mean nothing to you now that you hate me, but please keep that passion I saw at the Landsmeet within you. _

_Now on to why I did not make you King; I know it wasn't something you desired. You were always very vocal about never wanting to rule. More than that, I didn't make you king because you would have used your power to kill Loghain. The people would have seen you as a tyrant and as someone who would be using power to further their own personal agenda. That isn't you at all, but the people don't know you as well as I do. I know, I know, I think too politically sometimes._

_Later that night Morrigan offered me a way out. Had I known of her offer before hand, my decision at the Landsmeet would have been much different. You would still be here and neither one of us would have to die. It involved sleeping with Morrigan and impregnating her. An opportunity I KNOW you would have jumped at, being you like Morrigan so much. It was a way out and no one would have died. Morrigan left after I refused her offer. _

_No one blames you for leaving. If that is something, you are worried about. Eamon and I have told all that ask of you what your reasons were. _

_No apology I could offer you, or gesture I could make would be adequate. I'm sure no matter how much I may hate myself; it doesn't even compare to your own hatred of me. It's well deserved. _

_If anything happens to me, or when I'm finally unable to lead the Warden, I have given one of my fellow Wardens specific instructions to ask Anora to allow you to lead them. I know you don't think you are a leader. You are a leader at heart and I'm going to prove it to you. I know this doesn't make sense now, but it will when and if it happens. The Warden I asked to speak with the Queen is very persuasive and assures me it will be no problem swaying the Queen to reverse such a decision._

_Don't think my decision to make you my replacement is a form of pity, or an apology. This is to prove to yourself that YOU are a more of a leader than you give yourself credit for, the chantry is to thank for your lack of self-confidence. You have the heart, compassion and obviously the ability to make hard decisions. I would have followed you without question. I believe you can do it. _

_I had planned on telling you these things when I found you in Orlais, but I couldn't bring myself to approach you because I was afraid and terrified of the harsh words I'm sure you had ready for me. I was afraid of rejection. Yes, you read that correctly, I was indeed afraid. _

_Now for the…_

Alistair read the letter repeatedly until he had every word memorized and itched into his mind. He could see right through her words, she had made her decision to protect him. "I didn't need to be protected I needed the truth. You owed me the truth." He nearly yelled, knowing he was being far too emotional.

Once he managed to regain his thoughts, he realized she had bared her heart and soul in the letter he held in his hand. It was something that was never easy for her, not to mention he now had his answers. He found himself wondering what reason did he have to be angry with her? Quickly discovering he no longer had one.

Pushing himself up from the bed, he walked towards the fire and tossed the letter into the flames. He stood in the middle of the room watching it burn. He was tired of being angry all the time, he was tired of being angry with her over something no one could change. It was time to start anew. "What a pathetic pair we make." He choked out a bitter laugh. "Thinking of what's best for the other person instead of what is best for BOTH of us. So many years wasted"

He watched the letter burn along with his anger. He looked at her journals on his bed; it was begging to be read. Unable to resist the thought of reading into the inner workings of Elissa; he walked over to his bed, opened up the leather bound journal. He looked at the inside, which came with a warning:

_Property of Elissa Cousland: Those who touch this will find themselves in a world of pain and missing fingers. Fergus keep this in mind and ask your self is it really worth the pain._

Alistair snickered. "She would do it, women are terrifying that way; SHE was terrifying that way." He opened the book to the first entry to find it was of her time in Highever. A mischievous grin spread across his lips as he read the first entry


	9. In her own words: Highever Part 1

**Birthday's and tourneys**

_Maker's asshole, how I hate parties! I hate them even more when __**mother**__ is planning them for me. I would much rather spend my twenty-first birthday outside with the soldiers working with swords, and bows. Mother does not believe I am capable of seeing though the party scheme of hers. I know this party is more about mother finding me a suitable husband than celebrating my actual birthing. _

_She forced me to dress in a pink monstrosity with ruffles. Even worse, she placed matching pink bows in my hair. It was most embarrassing. After all that fuss, she paraded me before all of the Arls, Banns, Teyrns and their conveniently single sons. I wanted to run and hide. Mother had foreseen such an eventuality and placed guard's at all possible exits. What a wicked woman. _

**Alistair found it rather difficult mentally picturing Elissa in any kind of dress that wasn't armored. Not even his vastly wild imagination could conjure up Elissa in a pink ruffled dress. He laughed whenever he tried. **

_As the evening crept along, I grew tired of pointless flirting from boys who only wish to marry me for the title it would bring them. More importantly, I was STARVING. Escape was easy; all I really needed was a distraction. I spoke with Fergus and together we came up with a wicked plan. I am by no means proud of my own mother out to be an ass, but I was desperate._

_Someone (it might have been someone who looked like me) might have accidentally spilled half a bottle of hard alcohol into mother's wine goblet. I'm honestly surprised she did not send it away and ask for a new goblet of wine. It all worked out for the best though. Not only did I get my escape, in the process, everyone else was entertained. How she slurred, danced and sang. Fergus and father carried her to her room._

"**What a horrid little shit." Alistair laughed aloud. He could hardly believe the kindhearted Elissa he knew would do something like spike her own mother's drink. **

_As soon as mother and father had left, I bolted for the door Roland was guarding. He merely rolled his eyes and assured me my mother was going to kill me. He is completely correct, but she is going to have to recover from her headache first. _

_Together, Roland and I ran straight for the larder. I knew Nan was at the party tending to the guests, which left her bitter elven help in the kitchen. I could smell the wonderful Boar roasting. Nan had spent all day cooking it, the smell was driving crazy._

_Both elves stood as I entered. I shook my head, and begged the not to call me "my lady" or any other such stupid title. I hate when anyone calls me "My lady." but I especially hate it when Elves call by such a title. Something about and oppressed race calling me "My lady." makes me feel unbelievably dirty._

_I begged them to call me Elissa, knowing they would not. I told them the most entertaining thing at my party had just been hauled off to bed and asked them if they wanted to join us in the eating of Boar. I'm sure my evil smile was showing and scary enough to even a darkspawn. The Elves laughed, but politely refused._

_We found the boar in the roasting pit. Seeing how it was a day celebrating me, I deemed it to be edible before digging in. Neither of us meant too devoured the entire boar; at least I don't think we meant too. I defend our actions to by saying (like anyone is going to read this, but if someone happens to read this. First off, I killed you. Also, I feel these actions needs to be justified), we are still growing, and growing people need lots of good food. That is my excuse and I am sticking to it._

**He laughed so hard, tears ran down his face. The more he read the more Alistair found himself wishing he had known this Elissa. "I expected all noble daughters to be horribly self-centered, self-serving, and spoiled to the core. I hardly expected one to be so impish." **

_Once my tummy was full and happy, Roland and I worked on our archery for a bit. After an hour, it became too dark for either of us to see our targets. Roland so graciously walked me back to my room. He bid me farewell and hoped he would get to see me before my mother viciously murdered me. Some best friend he is! I punched his arm and told him to have fun watching a gate all night. _

_Fadas was waiting for me by the door. Poor Fadas, forced to stay in my room all day long. Mother was afraid he would eat some unsuspecting noble. It was an option I had defiantly voted for, but mother does rule with an iron fist. He barked happily, as I entered the room, begging for love and affection, of which I gladly gave. He then led me to my bed. What should I see but four books!_

**He missed the Mabari hound. She had explained to everyone in camp how Fedas got his name. She had meant to name him Thadas, but her lisp kept her from forming a "TH" sound, Thus the F.**

_I knew at first glance whom each book was from; Mother's was easy to spot. It was a book on grand romances of our time. A book I'll never read, but it was nice of her nonetheless. Father gave me a book on Grand Tourneys. Fergus gave me a book on creatures of Thadas. Roland gave me a book on the different types of weapons and armors. I can't believe they all got me such wonderful gifts!_

_Between the gifts I never asked for but glad I received, the very horrid dress, a very drunk mother, marriages avoided and an entire wild boar consumed it was the best birthday I've had in years. I'll have to thank everyone tomorrow. Right now, it's time for sleep._

* * *

_Here I am, still alive. Mother's headache is far too immense for her to do anymore more than lie in bed. She insists that I was the one who spiked her drink. I have told her I had no idea what she is speaking of; I insisted that as her loving daughter I would never do such a thing. She doesn't believe me._

"**I wouldn't have believed you either." **

_What news I have! Apparently, there was a point to father's gift. He called me to his room and told tell me the annual Denerim Grand Tourney would be starting soon. I of course knew of this and told him so. I started to ask if I could go, he held up his hand before I could ask him._

_"Pup." He said. "You may go if you so choose, but if you are going to watch you will be greatly disappointed." I was rather confused; He just stood and watched with a grin on his face, watching my mind put the pieces together. It took a moment, but finally I got what he was trying to say. HE IS SENDING ME TO COMPETE!_

_Father signed me up when he was in Denerim a week ago. He left it up to be to choose an event, but he did greatly encourage me to partake in any dueling. He claims he had a hard time keeping it from me, but somehow the cleaver ox managed. I asked him what he would tell mother. Since we both know, she would put an end to this if she ever found out. He told me that as far as mother is concerned I'd be in Denerim as an ambassador of Highever. I will be there only to discuss the Orleasian trade market with the Queen and her advisers. I was impressed father had come up with. Normally his lies are horrible. I am very impressed with his somewhat believable lie._

_HOLY MAKER ABOVE! I AM GOING TO BE IN A TOURNEY! I have so much packing to do. I have only two days in which to pack all of my armor and weapons. I should do so right now! Who needs to sleep? Oh holy maker! If I'm in a Tourney that means I'm going to have to practice Jousting. Oh shit, I hate Jousting._

_I was far too excited to spar with anyone today. I pulled Roland aside to tell him of this wonderful news. I was to tell him that he would be accompanying me as my "body guard." He appeared to be thrilled at my news. Oh goodness, I hope he really is thrilled. I need him to be there to cheer me on. Now I'm nervous. Sod! _

_Packing, yes packing seems the thing to do. Who can sleep?_

"**She babbles even when she'd giddy. How strange." He had always thought about entering a Grand Tourney; he was never as ambitious enough to partake in one. Her father must have had great deal of faith in her fighting ability.**

* * *

_I really do wish Fergus would allow me to win our duels sometimes. I am aware his skills with a large sword are far above my own, but would it really kill him to humor me occasionally and let me win? I suggested this to the huge oaf of a Nug humper. He humored me all right. He laughed mightily, punched me in the arm and walked away. My brother is such an ass._

** When sparring with him, Elissa had always insisted they use the same weapon type, which usually was a broadsword. She would become so angry when she lost; winning against their fearless leader was usually the highlight of his night. Until she began teaching him how to properly fight with daggers. It was then her time to gloat.  
**

_After my fight with Fergus, I decided to do a bit of packing. Mother almost caught me while I was packing my armor. Had I not stationed one of the guards to keep watch at my door she would have. I hid my case packed with armor under my bed, and pulled out my case packed with all my best dresses before she could catch me._

_Father held a dinner in honor of my departure. There before me was the most delicious looking roast I have ever seen. I wasn't allowed anywhere near the thing. Nan found out it was Roland and I who ate her wild boar. I must suffer through a month of nothing but sandwiches. Can't say I don't deserve such a punishment, but when they parade roast before me that is just needlessly cruelty. Nan did her little triumphant smirk at how her torture affected me._

_Father caught me as I was sneaking into the larder. He pulled me aside to tell me he was proud of me, which is why he sent me. It warmed might heart to hear such words from father. _

_"If you win more than five champion titles you can march with Fergus and me to Ostagar." He said with a grin. FIVE! He knows damn well I wont be able to do it. _

_Father received a letter from King Cailan himself asking for his assistance in Ostagar. From what I gathered from the letter (I snuck into father's study to sneak a peek at it) the darkspawn hoard is making a grand stand at Ostagar, and the king needs all the help he can get. Father sent a letter off to Amaranthine asking Arl Howe for his assistance in Ostagar. I wish I could go with them._

**Thank the Maker her father had set such a ridiculously high expectation before her. Alistair would not have wished the fate of that battle on anyone. The thought of her being on that battlefield during that massacre, was enough to make the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.**

_I would love nothing more than to march with them. Father does not even wish for Fergus to be leaving with him. I know he would NEVER allow me to do the same. I'm disappointed, but I'm thankful he has allowed me to fight in a tourney._

* * *

_We left this morning. It should take us three days to reach Denerim (this caravan is slow). Tis not even the first day of our travels, and already it has been an interesting journey. _

_We have already run into bandits, wanting our armor and weapons, and gold. When will one group of bandits be original?_ _They were a small group and easy enough to scare off. Funny how quickly bandits run when an angry woman waves a dagger about. _

_Roland and Fadas are asleep. I should join them, but I am too excited and nervous. These are some of the best warriors in all of Ferelden I will be fighting against, how can I compare with that? I'll drive myself mad if I think of such things. I should at least try to sleep._

_The last two days were uneventful, which is why I wrote nothing. I'm sitting in my room here at the Gnawed Nobel Tavern, pondering. I must say my curiosity of the Pearl is peeked. I heard Roland talking about it with the local soldiers. I do believe he's there now, I don't know if that disturbs me or not. He's too handsome to pay for such things. Oh well, every man to his own I suppose._

_We arrived this morning. We are in the tavern for the night; tomorrow we are moving to a competitor's camp. I guess so we can all get to know and hate each other before hand. I am not sure what the thought process is behind that is._

_Signing in was interesting. It's not typical for nobles to compete, much less noble women. I registered as an unknown. He said the crowd would surely come up with a name for me. His chuckle told me it would be less than desirable. Not much, I can do about it now._

"**I can't WAIT to see what nickname they came up with."  
**

_I've been to Denerim thousands of times for balls and fairs; it just seems a lot bigger when I'm without my family. It's almost scary in a way. _

_After signing in, I decided to pay a visit to Wade's emporium. I heard from a couple of soldiers he does nice work, and they weren't kidding. His work is amazing! Such detail and such care in every piece he makes!_

_Ah! I think Roland just walked in. The innocent and curious virgin must ask of his sexual escapades. He won't tell me much seeing as how his adventures are too steamy for my virgin ears. Does he not know that I must live vicariously though others in such matters! Well that and I need to take my mind off the tourney tomorrow._

_Well that was certainly an interesting conversation. He was drunk, and willing to share details. I know sometimes love and sex don't go hand in hand, but I really don't understand why whores do it. The money must not be THAT spectacular if they continue to do it day after day and year after year, not to mention living in hovels._

_I understand why men go to whores; they want pleasure, simple enough. Although why they pay someone to pleasure them when they can easily find it with their hands, is perplexing. Do these women and men ever want pleasure for themselves? I wonder if whores visit whores. Is it like a never-ending chain of whoring that is single handedly keeping the business afloat?_

_I'll have to sleep on this thought and see if I can come up with answer come morning._

**Alistair could hardly breathe through his laughter. Her curiosity on the subject while completely valid was strange to say the least. "Do all women ponder over such things within the privacy of their own minds and journals? She is going to kill me if she ever finds out I found and read these"**

* * *

_**Tourney Day 1**_

_I FUCKING HATE JOUSTING! I'm just not good with a jousting poll. I had my ass handed to me. Roland tells me it could have been worse, I could have died. I know he is right; I just really hate losing so badly._

_There is more jousting tomorrow. I believe shall skip the competition. Jousting is a sport for knights and soldiers who want to impress young and stupid noble women. Since I am not into either stupidity or women, I believe I'll pass._

_We moved to the competitor's camp today. It's not quite as bad as I thought it would be. Almost everyone has been friendly; the reigning sparring champion is notorious for being an utter ass. I guess winning the sparring champion title eight years in a row entitles one to treat others like dirt._

_I'm the only woman here, which should make me feel awkward. For reasons still unknown to me, I have always felt comfortable around men wearing armor; none of the men here appears to be lechers. None of the less, I am glad Roland and Fedas are here, it does give me piece of mind._

_We spent most of the night drinking ale, listening to each other's stories of battles, and past tourneys. Since I had no tales, I was content listening to others. I must say men are fascinating creatures. I'm certain most of their stories were tall tales, yet each of them had to outdo the previous story. Even the older men were trying to outdo the stories told by men half their age. The more they drank, the more outlandish the tales became. I wish there was such a book on men! Maybe I should make my own study._

"**Creatures? We're interesting creatures? It's you women who are the interesting creatures." **

_I need to rest. I'm sore from falling off horses all day long. I have archery tomorrow. I need rest. I'll need to be at my best to beat this lot._

* * *

_**Tourney day 2**_

_I'VE FOUND MY EVENT! I won an archery event! I advance to the final around tomorrow!_

_I could hardly believe my last shot was a direct bull's eye! The men I was competing against didn't appear to be angry or disturbed at my winning. In fact, they slapped me on the back and congratulated me. They even asked me to the fire again tonight. What kind people they are. _

What a day._ I can't believe I won an event! Obviously, I am excited. I know I should be sleeping, but I can't. Most of the men are up belching and telling stories. Roland sent me to bed, since their stories were getting progressively more risqué. Thank goodness, men yell when they are excited and drunk._

_Oh, I do have a nickname. I should have made up a name. Tourney crowds are by no means original. "Silver lass." It Figures that nick named after my hair color and sex. _

_Damn. I should have made something up. Anything is better than "Silver lass." Ugh. I brought it upon myself._

"**Silver lass!" Alistair howled with laughter. "What an unbelievably stupid nickname!" **

_I think I'm going to sign up for the sword and dagger sparring event. I'm passable with daggers I think. If I can do a jousting event and come out alive, I can do anything. Well almost anything, now I have to force myself to sleep._

* * *

_**Tourney Day 3**_

_I MADE IT THE ARCHERY CHAMPION MATCH! Oh Maker, but it was close! The five of us who remained were hitting bull's eyes. It's between a young man and me. The both of us hit bull's eyes every time. I have NEVER hit fifteen consecutive bull's eyes before. I am just going to enjoy the fact that I have found an event I can possibly win._

_The younger men invited me to the Pearl for a round of drinks. Roland almost didn't let me go, but after much pleading, he did allow me to go. No one tried anything. They saw me as just another soldier! _

_I was almost involved in a bar brawl. One of the spectators came over and asked me if I would be willing to go back into one of the back rooms with him. I assured him I wasn't that kind of girl. He took insult to my rejection. He called me everything but a child of the maker and almost challenged me to a duel. I'd rather not hurt anyone who didn't sign up to be, so I put a stop to his ramblings before he regretted them. I stood up, going nose to nose with him. Drunken men are easy enough to scare. _

_He quickly left after that._

_The other men cheered, bought me one more round of drinks before leaving. Some stayed behind of course to take advantage of the Pearl's services, but most of us went back to camp and told everyone else what had happened._

_Roland was furious with me. I reassured him everything was fine, that the man was no threat. He asked me to describe the man. When I did, he turned as pale as a ghost. As did I when he told me who the man was. I just embarrassed the Bann of Rainesfere in front of a crowd. Oh, shit balls. Here is to hoping he was too drunk to remember anything._

**Alistair sat, mouth hung open as he reread the last paragraph repeatedly. He closed the journal, staring at the cover in utter disbelief. "Holy shit." he muttered almost laughing. He was tempted to speak of this with Teagan, if only to hear the Bann's version of things. Somehow, he doubted Teagan would remember. Alistair made a mental note to ask Teagan about it later.**

**He opened the journal up once again; disappointed to see he was nearly halfway through the journal already.**

* * *

_**Tourney Day 4**_

_I AM A CHAMPION OF ARCHERY! HOLY MAKER! HOLY MAKER! ANDRASTE'S FLAMING SWORD! I can barely write I'm so excited! I still can't believe it. Neither can anyone else. Something possessed me out there, and I would like to know what it was. _

_My competitor did VERY well. He was on as much of a streak as I was. Something about the last round threw him off. I asked him later what went wrong he could have had me. He shrugged and told me he had no idea what went wrong. This furthers my theory of possession._

_After winning, I decided to sign up for the dueling event. The first event is maker! I'm an Archery champion! I could go on about how surprised I am. That would become boring even writing. So I choose not to._

_Obviously, I am still alive. I happened to bump into him this morning. The Bann of Rainesfere was, thankfully far too drunk to remember anything of last night. Thank the good maker; I'm not going to die today. When he is not drunk and completely vulgar, he is actually quite charming. Flirting with him is actually quite fun; he doesn't blush no matter how I try to flatter him._

**Alistair grinned at her excitement. Even in written form, he found it to be contagious. Although, he felt she was excessively hard on herself. Was it so hard to understand that she is talented? He also chose to ignore her flirting with Teagan.**

* * *

_**Tourney Day 5**_

_I was a bit disappointed they didn't let the Champion fight. On no, they save THAT man for last. I want nothing more than to knock that smug smile right off his face._

_I saw him earlier today picking on some poor elven kids. He saw me marching up and scurried away like horrid little Nug he is. I asked the elven children if they had been hurt, they assured me he hadn't hurt them. They children appeared to be slightly confused over my concern. Not surprising since I'm sure most humans wouldn't give the poor dears the time of day._

_I wander back to camp. Where there was hot food, and cold ale waiting. Nan said nothing about sandwiches on the road. The men had smoked beef for the stew, which Roland and I ate by the bowls. They gave the bones to Fadas. This thrilled him to no end. He was a happy pup. _

_There is now a jousting champion. We all cheered as he entered the camp. In all of his excitement, he wound up being the life of the party. Such tall tales were told and far too much drinking._

_I must be off. Sleep awaits and I need all of the sleep I can get before the semi-finals tomorrow._

* * *

_**Tourney day 6**_

_I got myself a bit of a nasty looking wound on my arm. My competitor might have become a tad bit ambitious. I still made it to the final round though, even with a wounded arm._

_I do believe he wounded my arm on purpose. Which is by no means against the rules, but still I'd rather not take any healing supplies away from people who actually need it. It's a nasty looking wound. In a strange way, I'm actually rather proud of it. Unfortunately, by tomorrow it will be gone. Plenty of injury kits around a tourney._

"**You are always willing to see the good in everyone. You are far too soft-hearted." **

_I wounded no one; at least I hope I didn't. I think I have enough self-control with my daggers to know when I'm about to meet skin and when I'm cutting at am in the finals._

_Roland tells me I'm becoming a favorite among the Tourney goers. THAT scares the piss out of me. I never came here to become a favorite to anybody. Oh no. I knew I should have entered more events I had no chance of winning. I wish he wouldn't have said anything, I know he was trying to build my confidence, but really, it has only made me more nervous._

"**If you didn't want to be the center of attention, you should have refused to enter the tourney to begin with."**

* * *

_**Tourney Final day**_

_That son of a bitch! I would have killed him myself! Had my better judgment not stopped me, I would have lopped off his head myself. I know how the champion has remained champion for eight fucking years. It wasn't because he's talented with a sword! His talent lies in throwing money at bandits to "take care of his competition for him." He has a group of bandits on hand he pays to intimidate his competition into throwing matches._

_The bandits he sent after me waiting until I was in an alleyway. He didn't send them to intimidate me. He sent them to kill me. "Women shouldn't be in championships, it's a man's sport." Is what the leader said before him and five of his other men came at me._

_Something in me just snapped. I felt a rage I have never felt before. That kind of rage felt almost exquisite. I knew I needed to kill them. Not only because it was either going to be them or me, but also something inside me demanded it. My body moved on its own. My daggers sliced into their skin as if it were the most natural thing to do. _

_Cutting through pressure points, knowing each slice was as lethal as the last. I sliced necks as if they were nothing. In my mind at the time, they were nothing. They had managed to reopen my wound, but nothing serious. By the time I was done, I found myself standing in the alleyway, surrounded by bodies, and covered in blood which was not my own._

_How could I have done such a thing? My lack of remorse now scares me. Should I have felt something? I just killed seven men. KILLED THEM. Does that make me a monster?_

_Since I knew the match would be starting soon, I ran from the alley. I returned to my tent covered in blood. Roland bombarded me with questions. I told him everything with little feeling behind my words. Covered in blood, Roland hugged me. I wish I could have returned the gesture. Instead, I merely nodded and left._

_I was under the assumption the sword sparring championship was one of the least popular events. Nevertheless, people were crowded around the arena; those who couldn't find seats merely stood, or opted for a bird's eye view from a balcony. I guess no one likes an eight-year champion. Thinking back on it, I should have been nervous. I wasn't._

_Oh, the surprised on that bastard's face when they announced me and I actually entered the arena alive and well. It was truly priceless. I watched his face carefully. He was afraid, someone was actually afraid of me, and it thrilled me_

**Alistair wondered if this is what she channeled while killing darkspawn and Bandits on their journey? If that were the case, where was this scary woman at the landsmeet?**

_I stopped before him. We were forced to shake hands. I might have squeezed slightly harder than necessary, but who can remember such trivial details. We backed away from each; he pulled his sword from his back. I pulled my daggers out from my side sheathes. Once the horn sounded, I sprinted toward him. Before I could reach him, he dropped his sword, fell to his knees screaming for mercy._

_Had it been anyone else I would have been surprised. As much as I wanted to beat him in an actual match, I knew it was not in the cards the Marker had laid out before me. This doesn't mean I was any less angry about the outcome. I wanted to land at least one punch on his nose!_

_I wish it ended there, when it ever ends so easily. Once someone declares "mercy", the match is over. I guess no one told this bastard. It was all a ruse. I should have known that was his plan. While my guard was down and my back was turned; he tackled me to the ground. He turned me over, put his hands against my throat and squeezed. He slammed my head into the ground repeatedly._

_I remember gasping for air, and thinking: "of all the ways to die, I am going too killed by a coward." I had dropped my daggers when he tackled me. Leaving me the only means, I had to defend myself, my fists. I punched him as hard as I could in the mouth. His head snapped backwards. I took the opportunity to position my knees at his stomach, kicking him off me took several attempts, but one kick to the groin did the trick._

_The royal guards immediately seized him and hauled him off to the dungeons. I was lying on the ground gasping for air. Roland was beside me looking as frightened. I was eventually able to get up. That is when I noticed people were screaming and cheering my name. Not my real one of course, but even "Silver lass" sounded scary. Roland slowly led me away to our tent._

_We are due in the royal court tomorrow to testify to the ex-champion's activities. The Queen's guards came to question me; I told them where the bandit's bodies were. They had a hard time believing I could take down seven bandits by myself. Let them believe what they want. I really don't give a shit._

_The mage tells me I was lucky my skull did not split open. I had a concussion, some cracked ribs from the tackle, and my shoulder wound is infected. It could be worse; a coward could have killed me._

**Alistair felt his own temper flare at the last entry. Only the lowest of the low do something that underhanded.**

* * *

_Court was rather interesting; the Queen heard what I had to say. Evidence was presented and the bloody coward STILL denied he had don't nothing wrong. There was even a paper contract found on the leader with the champion's name and steal._

_Queen Anora asked me what I would like done with the prisoner. I thought about it for some time. I decided to spare his life._

**"WHAT THE BLOOD HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN!" Alistair bellowed loudly. Alistair found his temper flaring once again. "You kill bandits with no problem, but this arse tried to kill you!" He quickly realized how silly it was yelling at a sheet of paper, and continued reading. **

_My act of mercy confused the Queen. I explained to her that while he fully deserves such a fate, if I were to order his death I would be no better than he. It brings me much more pleasure known he'll spend every waking moment in some cell thinking back on the championship that could have been his, had he not been defeated by a woman._

_After the queen dismissed me, we went back to our tent. All of the other competitors had left the night before. It did not take us long to pack everything. After an hour, we were on our way to Highever._

_I must say I'm not looking forward to explaining my injuries to mother. There is some swelling around my neck. As hard as he tried, the mage could not make those disappear. I'm sure I'll come up with something._

_Maker. Two champion titles and all I can think of are the seven men I killed. I killed seven men._


	10. In her own words: Highever Part 2

**After the Tourney. Arrival of a Warden. The Betrayal **

_After four days of travel, we arrived back in Highever this afternoon. Thank the good Maker we all arrived in one piece. _As _it turns out, bandits wait until after a huge event to attack caravans. This is why it took us four days to return rather than three. The whole trip back was one wave after another of bandits wanting something for bloodshed. I can't help but think that maybe it's the maker's way of punishing me for killing those men. _

_Both Father and mother were waiting for us just inside the gates. I was surprised when mother pulled me into a hug, kissed my cheek and told me how dull the castle was in my absence. She asked me if anything was wrong. I lied and told her all was well, our journey was uneventful, as was the Oleasian trade. _

_I greeted father much the same way. He said he missed me greatly, and asked me to come by his study once I was done unpacking. He pulled me into a hug, whispering in my ear about the castle soldiers who were waiting for me in the armory. The last thing I wanted was a celebration, but with the soldiers going to Ostagar in three days; I wasn't about to deny them any kind of celebration. I promised I would see them as soon as I was done unpacking. _

_Roland helped me with being my traveling chests up to my room. It was an easy task since I donated most of my better weapons and armor to Alienage. Of which I know is completely illegal, but I don't much care. Their elder was thrilled. I told him he could disperse them as he sees fit or sell them to help the elven people. I have no idea what he did, but if it helps the Alienage in some way then that's all that matters. _

**This didn't surprise Alistair. Where most humans never gave a second thought to elves or only thought of them as potential slaves, Elissa thought of them as equals. At least that was how she treated the elves they met on their travels. **

**He didn't believe her to be any kind of monster for killing the bandits. The bandits wouldn't have thought twice about completing the job as long as they received their money to do so. He would have worried if she hadn't felt bad about killing them. It was a feeling she must have conquered since she never had any problem killing bandits in their travels together. **

_Roland did his best to make me feel better. I tried my best to pretend his attempts actually worked. We both know it would take time for such a task. _

_After we dropped off my trunks, Roland, Fadas and I strolled down to the armory where ten soldiers cheered loudly as soon as I entered. I laughed all the while thinking I'm not worthy of such a celebration. I am the one who should really be celebrating them, but these men will look for any excuse to dust off their beer steins._

_I told them of the tourney in its entirety. I revised the events of the sparring championship match, making it out to be less exciting than it actually was. I told them of the MANY beautiful women in attendance. I never thought a collective sigh was actually possible, this lot has proven me wrong. _

_Once I was finished, they gave me grief for not taking part in more events and not bringing home some fine Denerim lasses. Think of those poor lasses! _

_They brought in an oven-roasted ham. The smell alone compelled me to eat without a waiting for a toast or invitation. I wasn't about to pass up on such a wonderful looking piece of meat! They laughed at my appetite, but soon joined me for fear I would leave none for them. Here I thought everyone within the castle walls knew of my famously endless appetite. _

_There was much drinking and laughter. At that moment, I was in no mood for a celebration. Once the men were drunk enough I snuck out in search of father. I found him pacing in his study. He looked utterly exhausted; I wondered if he was staying up all night working out strategies for the King. I thought it best not to disturb him if he was tired, but he caught me before I could sneak out of the door. _

_He wanted all the details of the tourney. I told him everything, I was sure I was speaking too quickly for him to follow. I tend to do that when I'm nervous. Once I began talking about the bandits and the feeling that came over me I began tearing up before could stop, the sobbing began. I was so embarrassed crying in front of father like that. _

_He pulled me into a hug once my words mixed with my sobs. I apologized for dirtying his best shirt. He laughed, rubbing the top of my head and told me it was all right. He held me until my tears dried; telling me how things would be all right, assuring me I did the right thing. He asked me what they called me, I sobbed even harder when I told him. I felt him tremble slightly; I knew he was laughing. Hell I would have laughed as well. _

_Then he said something that I will remember always. He said; "dry those eyes now pup. I know nothing I say will lessen your guilt. They were not sent to intimidate you pup, they were sent to kill you. I am proud of you my little pup. MY daughter fought off seven men by herself." He said it with such pride in his voice; I a tad surprised by his understanding. Father would rather use words rather than swords._

_Fathers really do say some of the best things._

**It always bothered him that she never came to HIM with her problems, never cried on HIS shoulder, never allowed HIM to hold her. Alistair couldn't help but feel a slightly jealous of her father. Alistair wanted to see the vulnerable side Elissa (On purpose, and an Elissa who could preferably remember her own name). Instead, she allowed others to beg her for help.**

* * *

_I may not be marching with Father, Fergus, and Arl Howe to Ostagar. However, Father has asked me to help them pack for their marching. It is about as interesting as it sounds. I'm sure I've thrown out my back from lifting too many heavy chests. _

_This was a problem I brought to my dear bother's attention, who seems to believe watching the rest of us work was somehow productive and helpful. He laughed, slapped me on the back and informed me that I need to take it like a man. I might have screamed something about his lack of any manhood. It all ended with me in a headlock and being in more even more pain than before. When he finally let me go, I felt as if someone had stabbed me in the spine. WHAT AN UNBELIEVABLE ASS! _

"**Well what do you expect when you insult a man like that?" He chuckled. Alistair found himself wondering if this was how he and Cailan would have acted around each other, if they had been able to get to know one another while growing up. The answer was defiantly not. Even if they had grown up as brothers, Cailan was far too obsessed with weapons, and reading of epic battles to have time form any such relationships. "Just as well I suppose." **

_I spent the better part of the day in pain and packing. Once the job finished, Roland and I worked on our archery. I hurt far too much to do anything else. Since I was walking like an old woman, Roland offered to help me back to my room once we were done. I told him to go enjoy the farewell feast in the dining hall. _

_Sadly, there is more packing tomorrow. Thankfully, Howe and his men will be here come morning, which makes packing that much easier for the rest of us. Now for some sleep. Here is to hoping tomorrow brings a healed back._

* * *

_What an exciting day! There is a Grey Warden in the castle! There are so many questions! Of course, father wouldn't allow me to ask any of them. I do believe father is afraid the Grey Warden may recruit me. Like the Grey Wardens would recruit me of all people. They only recruit the most talented of fighters. The man will let me compete in a Tourney, but he won't let me help the country against the darkspawn. Some sense that makes. _

_The Wardens name is Duncan and I'm afraid I don't know much more than that. I hope that I can wake up early enough to catch them before they leave! A Grey Warden is under the same roof as I! It's taking every ounce of self-control I own to keep myself from searching out his room and bombarding him with questions. _

**Alistair smiled at her enthusiasm. **_**"**_**She actually wanted to be a Grey Warden? I am by no means surprised.**_**" **_**He chuckled. **

_Once again, I am getting ahead of myself. Arl Howe arrived this morning with a few of his men. He told father there was some urgent business to tend to elsewhere. The Arl reassured father that the rest of his men would be in Highever by nightfall. _

_They stopped speaking of such things once I entered the room. I personally have no problems with Arl Howe. In fact, I think he is rather pleasant. He brought up Thomas, as he always does. He is determined to see the two of us run off into the sunset together. I for one say ICK to that plan. _

_I was polite and I assured him I look forward to seeing Thomas again. This is far from the truth. Last time I saw that moronic cad; he was so drunk I couldn't even carry on a conversation with him. Then he tried to grope me. Thank goodness, a drunken man possesses no reflexes. _

"**It's a wonder you like men at all, for all the rude comments and gestures they give you." **

_Arl Howe's reaction to father announcing the arrival of the Grey Warden was most perplexing. He appeared shocked, maybe even slightly frightened. Whatever he felt quickly disappeared. _

"**I'll bet he pissed his britches at the sight of a Grey Warden. Duncan most likely placed a damper on his plan to storm the castle," Alistair muttered bitterly. **

_Father introduced him as Duncan. He informed the three of us he is here to test Ser Gilmore for recruitment. I nearly jumped out of my skin with excitement for Roland! I couldn't wait to tell Roland! Even through my massive amounts of jealously I'm excited for him. Before I could ask the Warden anything, father sent me off to find Fergus and pass on the message he should leave ahead of Howe's men. _

_I ran into Roland just outside the kitchen. It seems news of the Warden's arrival was spreading like a wild fire along with the news of Roland's possible recruitment. I told him I was happy for him. He ruined the happy moment by informing me that my mother had sent him off to search for me. It seems Fadas decided to sneak into the larder again. A horrible habit he might have picked up from his owner, whoever he or she may be. _

_There were HUGE rats in the larder! HUGE I say and scary! Roland believes them to be rats from the Korcari Wilds, after seen those things I can believe it. Now we know why Fadas has been sneaking off to the larder so often. _

_I do believe the sight of the rats managed to shock Nan. I also believe she felt slightly guilt for yelling at Fadas. I base this theory on her giving him a huge bone as a reward for his hard work. AH! Who knew Nan had the ability of guilt. Unfortunately MY sandwich punishment still stands. That stupid hound! I helped kill those rats too, and he is getting all the glory and meat bones!_

_On my mission to search for my dear brother, I ran into mother, who was entertaining Lady Landra and her son. I recognized Dairren straight away. I didn't recognize the elven woman. _

_The last time I saw Lady Landra was at a ball, drunk and trying to set me up with Dairren. Something she does while she is sober as well. Dairren looked about as comfortable with the idea as I was. _

_He is not horrible looking or an unbearable prig like the other noble's single sons. I rather like him; I just don't see myself WITH him. I really do grow weary of everyone forcing marriage upon me. I wasn't born just to make babies and make some man happy. Sometimes I just feel like screaming at the top of my lugs: I AM NOT A PUPPET!_

_The elven woman is Iona; Lady Landra's lady in waiting. I have to admit I was a bit surprised. I have never heard of any elf becoming a lady in waiting. She appeared to be surprised I had no servants. I explained politely that I don't need others waiting on me. _

"**You have to be the strangest noble I have ever come across." The thought of a humble noble was enough to throw Alistair's brain into a fit of confusion. "Normally noble women have a herd of elven servants." **

_Everyone eventually excused them selves. Mother kept me behind telling me I should say goodbye to Fergus. I laughed and told her I was on my way to see him anyhow. Of course, in my fit of verbal diarrhea I asked mother if she knew of the Grey Warden in the castle. She had heard a rumor to that effect and was immediately concerned I had got the idea of recruitment it into my head. I told her the notion had never even once crossed my mind, she didn't appear to be convinced. _

_She pulled me into a hug, and whispered in my ear that she knew about the tourney. I was so shocked I nearly fell on my ass when she released me from our hug. Her smile was so scary; I believe it would have frightened an entire hoard of darkspawn back into the Deep Roads. SHIT! _

_Why bother to deny it? There was only one thing left to say. I inhaled deeply, buried my pride somewhere deep down inside me, and did the one thing no desperate daughter should ever do: I doted on how amazingly wonderful she looked, and how I felt she needed to be told as much ever hour of every day. She took my loving words as sarcasm. How dare she take my words of love as…..yeah I was completely and utterly full of shit._

"**I cannot imagine why she would not take your obvious sarcasm as complete sincerity. **

_Father, mother and I are going to sit down and have a little meeting about trust and honestly. I asked her if there was any way I could count on her forgetting about the meeting. The answer was no. DAMN!_

_I found Fergus in his room with Oriana and Oren saying their goodbyes. I felt awful for intruding. I told them to let me know when they were finished. Fergus made me stay, claiming I was jealous of their relationship. I informed him I quite enjoy my freedom from the opposite sex. In turn, the rat informed me that one day I'd meet a man that can actually handle me. HA like such a thing would ever happen!_

"**It almost did happen." He whispered sorrowfully. "Lucky for you, I am no quitter when it comes to a challenge."**

_I informed him of delay of Howe's men, and he should leave straight away. The look on Oriana's face broke my heart. Oren on the other hand was going on about "Swards" my nephew could only be Fergus's child, no one else could be quite that eloquent. _

_Mother and father joined us before Fergus left. I thought about begging father to allow me to go with Fergus, but I knew it would do me no good. I was to stay behind and act as Teyrn while he was away. We all have our duties no matter how boring they may be. _

_I really am going to miss moments like that. All of us together I mean. I told Fergus I was going to miss him. As much as I fight with the Ox, he's my brother and I do love him. I told father the same before he ordered me to bed for the night. A short while later Fergus left with all of our best soldiers. I could hear Oriana cries from across the hall. I would have run over to comfort her, but she would have turned me away as she always does. _

_I have to get to bed now, for I must get myself up early in order to ask the Warden questions of the order, Darkspawn, and other such things. _

**He quickly turned the page to the next entry. The dried blood splotches all over the page gave him some clue as to what was came next.**

* * *

_I have never hated a single human being. I have disliked plenty of people but never actually hated anyone until now. Arl Howe not only took my family; he took my best friend and he took my home. All of it burned to ashes. _

_His "postponed troops" were waiting in the surrounding woods waiting until nightfall to strike us all down while we slept. _

_I awoke only when Fadas began madly barking. I was about to get out of bed, when there was a knock at my door. I was in nothing but my under garments thus answering the door in a timely manner was out of the question. The guard on the other side didn't give me much of a chance to make myself decent, he burst through my door screaming , and suddenly an arrow flew threw his neck killing him. _

_I saw two armed men outside my door. Fadas attacked one of them clawing and tearing at his throat. I took care of the archer with the daggers I kept under my pillow. The first thing I noticed was their shields and the Howe family crest. I so wanted to believe this was all a huge mistake, but I knew it wasn't. Judging by the two soldiers desperately trying to break down mother's door, it was no mistake. I ran as fast as I could, daggers out and ready to strike. I stabbed both soldiers in the throat. _

_I was so relieved when Mother ran out from her room, in her full armor and ready for a fight. I thought it best to check on Oriana and Oren. Without looking back, I ran towards their room. They moment I opened the door I could smell it, blood. I saw them both lay in the middle of the floor surrounded by blood. _

"**What kind of man has a child and his mother killed? That is beyond despicable." **

_Why did Howe have to kill my sister and nephew? What does he gain by slaughtering innocents? I felt the rage stir within me again. I tried so hard to keep it away, but when all I saw was red I knew I couldn't keep it burred. It was at that moment I wanted Howe's head on a pike. I would have done it myself had he been in front of me. _

_Mother, Fadas and I set out to find father. I killed as many of Howe's men as I could. Normally I would think of these men and their families and come up with some bullshit reason to spare them. Not this time, I ran my daggers through any bastard who wore the Howe family crest. _

_I found Roland in the main hall; fighting off the onslaught of Howe's men, who managed to break through the gate. Once they were all dead, Roland told us he had seen Father go in the direction of the larder. I begged him to come with us; he refused stating his duty was to protect the gates. I wanted to argue with him more, beg and plead with him to escape with us. He assured me he would be all right. Maker let him be all right._

_We found father. He was bleeding. Maker's ass he was bleeding! I wish I were born a Mage or if I had some knowledge of herbs so I could made him a poultice! I rushed next to him assuring him that all would be well. We all knew it wouldn't, but it was a lie we all needed to hear. _

_I tore off fabric from my armor and pushed it against his wound in order to try to stop the bleeding. It did nothing but cause him pain. I wish I had done something, ANYTHING to help him. _

_Duncan found us and told us he was the one who had brought Father into the larder. Father begged Duncan to take mother and me with him to Ostagar. Mother refused to leave father I started to say the same, when father stopped me._

_This is how I became a Grey Wardens. In the larder as my father lay bleeding. I feel like such a coward for agreeing, but father was convinced it was the right thing, that I could do great things for the Wardens. If father and mother believe I can do some good, then I will gladly do as they wish. _

"**Maker's ass, I thought the way I became a Warden was dramatic. A Warden through Tragedy." He muttered sadly. "She really didn't get to experience any of the good things about being a Warden." **

_He also wanted revenge against Howe. It's the first time I have ever heard father use that word, it was scary to hear him say it. _

_My parents were resolved to die together. I told both mother and father that I love them so much, they told me the same as Duncan urged me into the servant's passage. I reluctantly followed him. _

_I have never felt this way before; I have never lost everything I hold dear before. Hell, I can't even think of a word to describe how I feel. _

_After we left the castle and fled through the woods, I couldn't feel anything. It's as everything inside me just shut down. I couldn't cry or speak. I simply had nothing left. _

_This is so hard to write, I have lost everything and no words I write can possibly convey how much that hurts._

_I sit here now by the campfire. I have tried to cry, to grieve, but nothing will come. Maybe I really am a monster. _

_Duncan has been very kind to me. He has kept my mind wandering with riddles. He has even told me the real reason as to why he came to Highever. _

_He was in Denerim turning the grand tourney. He knew who I was, where I hailed from and even what my skills were. He knew father would never allow me to join the Grey Wardens. Roland was merely an excuse, his sole reason in coming to Highever was to recruit me. I wanted to be angry for Roland sake, but I could not. I simply could not feel anything. _

**The entry ended. Alistair closed the journal allowing it to fall from his hands and on to the bed. She had told him of everything that happened, but reading of it in detail was different, almost as if, he were actually there; feeling all of her pain and loss. **

**Even after all the time that had passed, he found himself hating Rendon Howe all over again. "Death was far too good for that man." He muttered as he fell back onto his pillow staring at the ceiling. He was far too angry to sleep. **

"**Why did she recruit his son of all people?" He was sure he would stumble on that answer soon enough. **


	11. The spitfire recruit

**A/N: This chapter is going to contain split POV. Obviously, the first being from Alistair since it is his first time recruiting. The other being from his little recruit, obviously, because I enjoy writing her.**

**Alistair's Estate:**

Unable to sleep; Alistair spent the night in the library sharing his darkspawn experiences with the scholar he had met with the previous day. By the time, Alistair was finished sharing his stories for future Warden's and Scholars to read it was the wee hours of the morning.

Alistair excused himself and nearly ran for the larder.

The cook was already up and cooking breakfast. Alistair drew in deeply breath of air, and knew by the smell in the air that she was making eggs. His stomach was telling him that he should be moving in the direction of the wonderful smelling food instead of sniffing the air.

The cook's face brightened as she saw Alistair enter the larder. "Good morning to you Commander! I'd figured I'd get a head start on breakfast since you'll be off today." The older woman said as she sat a plate full of eggs and bacon in front of Alistair. He could feel the drool running down the corners of his mouth before he could stop it.

"I can't remember the last time I've had bacon." He said lovingly looking at the plate. He gazed up at the cook who was beaming with pride. "I love you." He said as he quickly shoved his face full of food.

The cook snorted while rolling her eyes. "Bah! A hungry man will love anyone who throws a bit of food his way." She left to attend the bacon still sizzling away in the kitchen. Alistair devoured his breakfast within seconds. Before Alistair could ask for more she reappeared with more food, and placing it on his plate.

"Can I get some pale ale?"

Wordlessly she disappeared into one of the back rooms. She brought with her a pint of ale and placed it in front of him. "You know, most men start in on the drinking till later on in the day."

"I have the particular talent of appreciating ale any time of the day." He grinned before taking a rather sizable swig of ale.

"Spoken like a true addict." She mumbled under her breath as she disappeared into the kitchen.

After several more helpings of delicious food, Alistair excused himself and went back to his room to begin packing. Anxiety reared its ugly head. "How do I even begin recruiting?" He said aloud; hoping some voice from above would reign down and give him the answer he desired. He wondered if Duncan and Elissa felt the same way their first time recruiting. He hoped the answer was yes, it made him feel far less of a coward.

"Maybe that stupid elf is right; perhaps I should think of this as a second chance instead of a punishment." He said thoughtfully. He placed Elissa's journals into his pack, along with daggers, and what little clothing he had brought with him. Grabbing his broadsword and shield, he shut the door to his room.

The servants had once again anticipated him. As he walked outside, his horse ready, saddled and ready for his departure.

"Oh wonderful, Thank you." His voice shook slightly as he thanked a nearby servant. Before he could second-guess himself, or talk himself out of leaving, Alistair jumped onto his horse and rode in the direction of the Alienage.

It took him all of three minutes to arrive in the market district. He left his horse within the stable, and started towards the Alienage gates. He spotted Shianni standing just inside the gates; she eyed him He cautiously approached her.

"I'm here on behalf of the Grey Wardens." He said somehow managing to keep his voice even and professional.

"You're the new Commander everyone has been talking about?"

"I am." He kept his eyes locked onto hers.

"Where is Warden Cousland?" Shianni demanded, narrowing her eyes suspiciously at him.

"She's ill."

Shianni's eyes grew wide with surprise. "Maker's breath, I had no idea. What ails her?

"She has a severe case of Lyrium poisoning." He replied not at all caring if her illness supposed to stay silent from all of Ferelden.

"MAKER'S BREATH! Why weren't we informed sooner?" She asked heatedly, a hand appeared on her shoulder; giving her a reassuring squeeze

"Shianni my child, I ask that you please calm yourself." Valendrian came up and stood beside Shianni. "You'll have to forgive her Commander Theirin; she is rather passionate when it comes to things she cares about."

"Actually, I felt very similarly when I first heard." Alistair said while flashing the Alienage elder an uneasy smile. "No one outside of the Queen and Redcliffe castle is aware of her condition. I'm sure the Queen has done her part to keep it quite."

"It has been at least a year, if not more, since we last saw her. When the Queen officially announced Elissa's retirement eight months ago, we here in the Alienage were most confused. When we last saw her, the Commander appeared to be just fine; I would go as far as to say she appeared happy. "Valendrian cleared his throat realizing he had been droning. "Can I assume you are here to recruit?" He urged Alistair to walk with him into the Alienage itself.

"Indeed I am." He was still surprise he was able to keep his voice so even. _Maybe I can do this Commanding thing. _He nearly grinned at his own thoughts.

"We have a recruit for you!" Shianni yelled enthusiastically, making both men jump in surprise. "Wait right here while I wake her." She urged and quickly ran in the direction of the orphanage.

"Again, you'll have to forgive her excitement." Valendrian chuckled. "We do have someone you might be interested in recruiting; she is very skilled with daggers."

"Good." He ran his fingers through his hair.

"Would this be your first time recruiting?"

Alistair chuckled nervously, as he ran his hand through his long hair. "Was I that obvious about it?"

"Only slightly, but do not worry yourself, I will tell no one" Valendrian chuckled.

Alistair relaxed slightly as he and the Alienage elder made small talk while waiting for Shianni to return with his first potential recruit.

* * *

**Zara's hovel**

"Wake up Zara." Someone was hissing in her ear. Someone was shaking her violently and it was pissing her off. Zara reached out to smack whoever dared to wake her from her horrible nightmare, with minimal success. "Zara, you need to wake up right now."

"Shianni?" Zara croaked tiredly as she began waking from her darkspawnish nightmare.

"The one and only," She beamed. "Get your ass out of bed and get dressed you lazy bum! The new Warden-Commander is here, and he's recruiting." Shianni was far to excited for Zara, who was not a morning elf.

"So what?" Zara asked still groggy.

"Zara, let your mind process what I've just said." As the elf slowly came to her senses, and her mind cleared out the cobwebs, Shianni's words sunk in. She excitedly jumped from her bed, landing gracefully on her ass.

"GOOD GODS, A GREY WARDEN!" She exclaimed cheerfully.

Shianni laughed as she held out her hand and helped the elf off the floor. "You'll have to impress him first before he recruits you. Even if you don't make it as a Warden, I'll explain your situation to him. I'm sure he'll offer some suggestions."

"I may be sick, but I can still fight and win against a Shem." She said confidently. Her pride was the only thing that kept her going most days.

"Just please don't get too carried away, and be careful." Shianni warned before leaving Zara to dress and prepare herself.

It took Zara all of three minutes to dress herself in standard shemlen armor. Even after two months of wearing such inferior armor, it still felt strange and constricting. Shianni asked her to wear such silly things since her Dalish armor was distracting the elven male population. She made a quick job of tying her black hair back. She snatched up her daggers and rushed out of the old orphanage building.

Zara was quick to spot Shianni and Valendrian standing under the Vhenadahl, with them stood a Shem she didn't recognize. By her power of deduction, she quickly guessed he was the new Warden-Commander everyone in Denerim gossiping over.

_"That skinny fluffy shem is a Warden-Commander? I'm so disillusioned, I thought they were all buff and had fire balls shooting from their eyes."_ She thought disappointedly. Quickly she walked over to join the man who could possibly save her life.

"Ah, here she is." Valendrian said as Zara walked up beside Shianni. The furry man was eyeing her up and down. No doubt thinking how he could use her to his advantage. Shems think such things of elves all the time. The very thought made Zara want to punch him in the face. As their eyes met, she let her icy stare say what she dare not.

"Did it just get colder out here?" He shivered, but still eyeing her. Now she was even angrier with the Shem, than she was before.

"Is there something wrong with what you see Shem?" Zara spat.

"Zara," Shianni hissed. "Watch your tongue." She warned. Alistair held up his hand.

"No, let the girl speak her mind."

"I'm not a girl!"

"I suggest you stop acting like one then." The Warden smirked as Zara glared at Alistair and brought up her daggers. "Ooh, ooh. Think you can take me on in a fight little girl."

"I know I can." She returned his smirk. "Don't call me that."

"Zara, you are being childish, stop this right now!" Shianni yelled. Before she could jump in and stop her friend, Valendrian put a hand on her shoulder and shook his head. "But elder…." She started.

"Just watch." The elder elf instructed.

He had baited her; she fell right into his trap. It pissed her off more than his previous staring had. _There is such a thing as a smart Shem? I suppose there is a first time for everything._

He unsheathed his own hidden daggers. Zara noticed how uncomfortable he appeared to be in using them. _He isn't used to using them in a fight. Good, I can use that. _

"I'm not getting any younger over here. If you're going to attack me then do it." He dared the elf, which wasted no time springing into action.

She started with a head on attack, daggers slashing wildly at his face. The Warden blocked her slashes with the hilt of his own daggers. Not one to be discouraged; Zara tried for a lower region. He had anticipated her move; blocking her with great ease.

She was fast on her feet; thankfully, the stupid shem assumed he was faster. She would be sure to turn his confidence against him. Quickly he brought his hand back, preparing to swing the dagger at her neck. With all the speed she could gather, she went around to his back hoping to take him by surprise. He smirked, quickly spun around and slashed at empty air.

He only caught a glimpse of her only moments before she struck. He barely had time to move when the dagger came directly at his chest, her blade slashed across his rib cage. The cut was deep enough to draw blood, but not deep enough to bring about any life threatening injury.

Shianni spoke up before Zara could attack again. "Kill him and you'll only make things worse for all of us." She looked at the Warden, who had a hand over his wound to keep it from bleeding profusely. "Are you all right?" She asked. He nodded, staring at Zara with a smile spread over his lips.

_He is actually smiling at me. He should be ordering my death_!

"It's not so bad; anyways I asked for it." He said. Valendrian came beside the Warden inspecting his wound. "I have some potions in my pack that will take care of that scratch." He assured the elder. He looked at Zara bowing his head in defeat. "May I ask your name?"

"You may." She said automatically while blankly staring at him.

He chuckled and shook his head. "What is your name?"

"Zaraphina." She mumbled, suddenly embarrassed. "Sorry I almost killed you She….I mean Warden." Zara was willing to admit the Warden was and honorable man. He hadn't called for her arrest. He appeared to be pleased with her fighting skills, and he seemed to take great pride in the scar she had given him.

He smiled at her before saying the words she longed to hear from him." I offer you a place among the Grey Wardens."

Zara's excitement exploded within her. The urge to scream her answer out to the world. Instead, she decided to be civil. "I accept your offer." She noticed the Warden appeared surprised by her immediate acceptance. "Do all shems stare with such a stupid look on your faces, or is it just you?"

The Warden laughed loudly. "She would have liked you." She heard him say. "I'll give you some time to pack and say your goodbyes." He quickly added as he turned to Valendrian. Both men were in deep conversation as they walked towards the entrance gates.

Zara wasted no time in gathering her armor, weapons and tonic flask. She stopped into the elven healer and asked for the remainder of what tonic the healer had. She hoped that it would be enough to get her through the next several days.

Saying goodbye to all of her friends was hard, but not nearly as hard as it was leaving her tribe behind. She used to hope that someday she might be able to return to them. It was a dream she knew would remain just that, a dream. There was nothing there for her anymore. Zara's new home was now with the Grey Wardens.

"Are you ready to go?" The Warden asked sternly. Zara nearly laughed, but managed to control the urge. Instead, she gave Shianni a quick hug, and shook hands with Valendrian before leaving the Alienage for good.

"What is your name?" She asked politely.

"You can call me Commander."

"Commander what? Asshole?" She immediately regretted saying such a thing. _STUPID! Will you watch what you say for a change!_

Much to her surprise, the Warden busted out laughing, which earned the pair several suspicious looks from the surrounding merchants. He didn't seem to care. "You can call me Alistair."

"Well Commander Alistair; I'm going to go buy myself a horse." She ran off towards the stables, and bought the best-looking horse ten gold pieces could buy. He was waiting by the Market district gates upon her return.

"Just call me Alistair. No Commander before my name, just plain Alistair will do." He said as they rode out of Denerim. She said nothing of the surprise she felt. He was an odd one.

She was anxious to return to wherever the Wardens were hiding. She wanted get the joining done with. Her Keeper had mentioned something about a joining and it being the only thing that could save her. She had no idea what a joining entailed, but if it could save her from death, she would gladly do so. She was beyond tired of her insides burning, and throwing up all the damn time.

"Where are we going?" She asked about an hour outside of Denerim.

Alistair suddenly stopped his horse looking thoughtfully at the forest in front of him. They were only a day or two away from the Circle. If anyone would know how to flush out Lyrium from a human's body, it would be the templar's and Mages. If Elissa's men were going to try asking for outside help, then he would. "Have you ever been to the Circle?"

"Of Magi?" She asked quizzically. Alistair nodded. "No, I've never had a reason to."

"That's where were going."

"What of my joining?" She almost yelled.

"How do you know about the joining?"

"My keeper told me about it."

"That will all come in due time. First I have some business I need to discuss with the First enchanter, and Knight-Commander." They turned their horses in the direction of the Circle tower.

_GODS DAMN IT! STUPID FUCKING SHEMS!_ She seethed inwardly and said nothing until camp.


	12. Full Circle

**A/N: I should mention that this chapter is slightly AU. I have worked in the Dalish Elf story and twisted the story line slightly for my own needs. Because that is just how I roll. Thanks to everyone who has taken the time out of their day to read my story, and to those who have reviewed, and added my story to their favorites list.**

"Why did you not say anything?" Alistair roared angrily. Zara jumped at his angered shouts. He could sense the taint strongly within her. How she was still alive truly baffled him. The pain her body was experiencing must be unimaginable; which is why she should have told him before they were even outside of the Alienage.

"You just took off before I could explain anything!" She yelled back defensively. Knowing he had every right to be angry. They had been riding in silence all day long, she could have told him at anytime and she didn't.

"What is with you women and using **that** excuse?" His gaze cold and jaw clenched he continued. "YOU need to stop me and tell me why it's so important we do a joining. If I do not listen, then throw a rock at my head, anything to get my attention. Do not just assume that I am a mind reader or that I can sense it right away. When I'm distracted I'm the most non-observant man in the world."

"You're right; I'm s….I'm sor…s…" She struggled.

"Don't hurt yourself; I get what you're trying to say." He heaved a low and heavy sigh. "Will you help me pack things up?" He said while taking stomping out the fire.

Automatically she begun taking down Alistair's tent. "Where are we going?"

"Soldier's Peak of course, it is only two hours away. We will do your joining tonight." He threw the rolled up tent onto the back of his horse along with his pack.

"Thank you Commander." She said and much to her surprise meant it. _I feel comfortable around this human, how strange._

"Sure thing Zara, but I'm still angry with you." He huffed as he helped her onto her horse.

They rode toward the peak in silence. The silence was driving them both crazy, but neither wanted to be the first to speak. Instead of going on with the childish game, Alistair decided it was time he learn more about his newest recruit.

"You're Dalish, aren't you?" He already knew the answer; it was simply a formality question.

Zara jumped at the sudden sound of his voice, but quickly recovered. "How did you know?"

"Only Dalish elves have Keepers, and you have mentioned yours several times." He looked at her from over her shoulder and smirked. "Your pride also gives you away."

"I suppose you want a story."

"That would be nice."

Zara took a deep breath, and spoke of how Tamlen and she had been patrolling the woods, when they came across the frightened humans who spoke of ruins in a cave nearby. The humans had been correct; the cave was full of ancient elven ruins. It was also full of the monsters that appeared out of nowhere and of the mirror. Tears stung her eyes by the time she was done telling him how the mirror had literally sucked Tamlen into itself. Zara did everything she could to hold them back, but they came anyways.

"Did your tribe force you to go?"

"No, my exile is self-imposed. I thought it best for everyone, since I would only slow down my tribe. The Keeper told me I had darkspawn taint flowing through my veins. She also said if I wanted a cure I would need to find the Grey Wardens."

"How long have you had the taint?"

"I believe it's been several months." She said. His surprise was obvious. "Believe me when I say I'm more surprised than anyone at still being alive. Before I left, my Keeper made me a tonic to help slow the taint progression; it's also allowed me to live this long, but it isn't a cure."

Alistair gave her a concerned glance over his shoulder, and thankfully did not bombard her with sympathy. Zara was thankful, and despite her first impression of the Commander, Zara could tell this particular human had a good and kind heart.

"How did your Keeper know about the Joining?"

"She wouldn't tell me. All she would tell me is the joining was something that could help me."

"Why didn't you search us out?"

"I tried, but shems aren't exactly willing to help out a little lost elf?" Zara snarled bitterly. "I was ignored every time I asked for help. Thank the gods Shianni found me wandering the Market district. She put me up in the Orphanage building and assured me a Warden would come soon."

"I'm sorry I didn't come sooner, but I've only been on the job for a week or so."

"Yes, I know. You have been the subject of much gossip among the shems of Denerim." Zara chuckled. "Shianni told me stories of the Hero of Ferelden. You have some mighty big boots to fill."

"I'm aware, and constantly reminded of that fact." Alistair said dully. "So we've almost arrived at the Peak." He said with fake enthusiasm.

Zara laughed at his pathetic attempt at a subject change._ The Commander and the hero of Ferelden have a history? Interesting. _Zara thought smirking to herself. "I told you my story. Now it would be your turn."

"It doesn't work that way." Alistair was in no mood to speak of his past with anyone just yet.

"Well now that's hardly fair. I told you my story." She pouted.

"I have to have some air of mystery about me."

"Oh, you have an air about you. I'm not sure I would call it mystery." She grinned. Alistair let out an exasperated groan.

"Oh how wonderful. An elf that believes she's funny." He whined.

She said nothing, but merely laughed.

* * *

Alistair and Zara made it back to the Peak within the hour. Once inside Alistair asked a Warden how long it would take to prepare for an emergency joining. The Warden assured Alistair everything he would need for a joining was awaiting him in the basement. Without hesitating, he grabbed a nearby candle from its holder and started towards the dark basement. Zara was close on his heels.

Everything was out and ready for the ritual. A thankful Alistair turned to Zara and told her what to expect from becoming a Grey Warden, and the risks.

"I'll take my chances with the joining." She said confidently. Alistair nodded as he reverently picked up the goblet, and spoke.

"Since the first, these words have been spoken at the ceremony: Join us, brothers and sisters. Join us in the shadows where we stand vigilant. Join us as we carry the duty that cannot be forsworn. And should you perish, know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten. And that one day we shall join you."

He held out the Goblet to Zara, who carefully took the goblet from his hands. She hesitantly brought it up to her lips and drank the horrid tasting blood. He took the goblet from her hands and took a step backwards from Zara.

Alistair felt himself tense as watched as her eyes glazed over, rolled back into her head, and fainted backwards. "Thank the Maker." He was sure she was going to survive, he felt the same way watching Elissa at her joining, but one could never be sure what the taint will do.

He gathered her in his arms, and placed her on a bed in a nearby room. He waited until she awoke to explain the world to which she had just entered into.

The next morning he was preparing for his journey to the Circle, when Zara came bouncing out of the Peak. Her recovery was swift, as was her acceptance of her new life.

* * *

"Are you going to the Circle now?" She asked.

Alistair nodded. "I am."

"I'm coming with you." She said, as walked toward the make shift stables.

"No you aren't!" He called after her.

She returned quickly with her horse in tow. "Yes, I am." She said confidently. "You need someone to keep you company, and I can keep watch while you sleep."

"I'm ordering you to stay here with the other Wardens."

"Well now, it appears we're at an impasse." Zara smirked slightly, as she formulated a plan in her mind. "You are dead set against me going, correct?" Alistair thought for a moment and slowly nodded. "And I'm dead set on going. There is only one way to settle this."

"I'm not fighting you." Alistair replied blandly. Zara shook her head.

"Commander, I'm appalled you would think I would do battle over something so petty." She said, pretending to be insulted. "Anyways, it's already been established I can beat you." Alistair sighed impatiently. "We could stand here all day and argue about who's allowing who to go with them on what trip. Just remember the longer you stand here arguing with me, the longer your journey is going to be."

"I have nothing but time."

"Wouldn't you like someone to talk to and keep watch while you sleep? Maybe cook a meal here and there?"

"Ah, it's the logic defense." He laughed. "Fine, you can come. Just don't fall behind."

"Thank you Commander." She smiled triumphantly, as she kicked the sides of her horse and rode ahead of Alistair.

One of the other Wardens came up beside a chuckling Alistair and said. "But Commander, didn't you say she would be coming with you?"

Alistair grinned. "Yes, but she doesn't have to know that. She believes she has bested a stupid shemlen, I shall not deny her that triumph. "Alistair chuckled, as he rode off after Zara.

* * *

They were about a day outside of the Lake Calenhad docks before Zara began bothering to for his life story. "Please tell me your story." She pleaded as they rode side by side.

"I don't want to talk about it." He snapped.

"Alright, I won't push you, since I don't enjoy it when it's done to me." They rode for a time in silence. Alistair was never very big on long silences. Maybe having an outside opinion on the Landsmeet wouldn't be such a bad idea.

"No one comes out looking good in my story."

"No one ever does." She said, but asked for no more details.

Her lack of prompting was all the push he needed. He spoke of the events leading up to the Landsmeet, as well as the fateful meet itself. She listened in complete silence until he was finished. "Like I said no one comes out looking good."

"I don't believe anyone was truly wrong here, but no one was exactly right either. She could have explained the full situation to you instead of giving you a vague rundown. You could have listened to what she had to say afterwards instead of leaving in a huff. I think it's time to let the whole situation go and stop dwelling on the past as if you can do something to change it."

Alistair snapped the reins on his horse taking himself ahead of Zara. Neither said anything more.

"_Oh great, another shem is angry with me_." Zara thought sadly to herself.

"_Some elves say the most wonderful things_. _Thank you Zara_." Alistair thought to himself smiling.

* * *

They arrived at Lake Calenhad by nightfall. They tied their horses next to the Spoiled Princess and started towards the docks.

"We're not going into the Tower now are we?" Zara asked. Alistair did not bother stopping, forcing Zara to run in order to catch up with him.

"Why not?" He smiled at the fairy guard, who ushered both him and Zara into a boat.

"But it's nearly nightfall. Wont everyone be asleep?"

"I am merely letting the Knight-Commander and First Enchanter know I'm in the neighborhood. It's called being polite, something I know you have no experience with." He grinned as Zara rolled her eyes.

"I call it being rude." She muttered under her breath. "Calling at nightfall tells them you have no respect for their schedule."

"Call it whatever you wish." He said, offering her his hand as they exited the boat. She ignored the offer.

The tower had changed very little since his last visit. Battered, broken and bloody Templar bodies lay in the corners. "Well this is just how I left it." He muttered under his breath.

He heard Zara gasp quietly. "Good Gods."

He walked across the hall to the man who was obviously the Knight-Commander. Who was barking out orders at any Templar who dared to pass in front of him.

The Templar jerked his head towards Alistair, his eyes frantic. "Warden-Commander." Alistair said automatically, The Templar relaxed slightly.

"Knight-Commander Bryant," The two men briefly shook hands. Alistair thought the man looked slightly familiar, but due to the situation at hand; Alistair thought it better to speak later on such things. "I don't suppose you brought anymore Wardens with you?" He asked, sounding hopeful.

"It's only the two of us. " Alistair said sympathetically. "If you don't mind my asking; what might your problem be, Knight-Commander Bryant?" _Please do not let it be more Abominations, or blood mages_. Alistair repeatedly thought to himself.

"Darkspawn I'm afraid. Several overly enthusiastic apprentices have accidentally summoned them. Obviously we weren't prepared for something like this."

"Is that all?" He released a sigh of relief. "At least it isn't abominations." The Knight-Commander was quick to nod in agreement.

Alistair glanced over his shoulder back at Zara, who was walking around to the wounded Templars trying her best to sooth them. He certainly had not expected such behavior from her. He turned his attention back to the Knight-Commander and asked. "How exactly does one go about summoning Darkspawn?" He had never heard of such a thing happening before.

Commander Bryant sighed quietly. "Honestly I haven't the foggiest idea; the first Enchanter tried explaining it, but I understand little of actual magic. Once we find him I'm sure he will explain everything."

Alistair nodded and glanced back at Zara. "Would you like to kill some darkspawn?" He grinned.

"Nothing would give me more pleasure." She said bitterly as she brushed past him and waited by the double doors.

"I'm coming with you." Bryant said as he unsheathed his sword. "It's my fault my men weren't prepared for them. We need to be ready if this ever happens again."

"Just make sure not to get any blood on you. It burns like a son of a bitch.". Alistair warned the Knight-Commander.

Bryant nodded. "The First Enchanter is still in the tower. I don't believe him to be in any immediate danger. He was one of the many Mage's who fought against the archdeamon; I doubt a few Darkspawn will do him in." He said as the three of them walked through the library. There had been many improvements since Alistair's last visit to the tower. The first floor library was much larger and the book collection restored.

Alistair let his taint search out any Darkspawn near by. "There are darkspawn up ahead." He motioned towards the second floor. He withdrew his sword from his back. His companions already had their weapons out and at the ready.

He led the way to the second floor. Two Ogres and five genlock Emissaries met them. Alistair and Bryant took on the Ogres; Zara took on the Emissaries.

Taking down Ogres without magical backup or bows, proved to be a most difficult task. Alistair easily scaled the Ogres from behind; plunging his sword into the Ogres back to help elevate himself up to it's head.

Alistair forced his sword though the Ogres skull. There was the unmistakable sound of bone crunching against steel, as he forced the sword further within its skull. The Ogre crumbled to the floor as the sword pierced through its brain. He pulled the sword out and quickly plunged it back into its head, repeating the action several time until he was sure the Ogre lay dead on the floor.

Bryant had followed suit, plunging his own sword deep into its skull until his adversary also lay motionless on the floor.

How Zara had managed to defeat all five genlock emissaries in such a short amount of time was indeed a mystery, but she managed to impress Alistair. She plunged her daggers repeatedly into the dead Emissaries head. Each thrust was angrier than the next. Alistair grabbed her right arm, jerking her to her feet.

"Angry much?"

"I may have some unresolved anger issues towards the darkspawn." She smirked slightly. He let her go and quickly led everyone up to the third floor.

They found The First Enchanter in the company of several other Mages, who were successfully disposing of the remaining darkspawn. A hurlock came out of nowhere and ran straight for the First Enchanter.

Alistair moved quickly to block its path. Bringing up his sword, he brought it down upon the Hurlock's neck. The creature choked on it's own blood, it's hands flew up to it's neck to stop the bleeding. Alistair ran his sword through the creature's weak armor and into it's stomach. It slumped to the floor dying.

Someone new had replaced the first enchanter as well. He was an elf, no older than Alistair was. It was just one shocking change after another since his return.

"Thank you for your most timely rescue." He said politely. "I am First Enchanter Kyle Surana. It is indeed a pleasure to meet the new Warden-Commander."

Turning his attention turned to Commander Bryant. The First Enchanter nodded and said. "Thank you as well Bryant and my deepest apologies. As soon as I find the students responsible they will be dealt with accordingly." He assured the Knight-Commander, who simply nodded in response. Kyle's attention went to the young elf hiding behind Alistair, His brow raised and eyes filled with curiosity.

"And who is this lovely young lady?" The First Enchanter asked. Zara slowly crept out form behind Alistair.

"I am Zara Mahariel." She held out her hand to the Mage. "It's a pleasure to meet you." Now both elves were blushing fiercely

Both Alistair and Bryant, changed knowing glances and smirks. "The pleasure is all mine my lady." He brought the back of her hand up to his lips, kissing it gently. Zara looked as if she would die from embarrassment as he released her hand.

Alistair cleared his throat. "If it's at all possible I wish to speak with both of you."

"We might as well speak of business; there will be no sleep for anyone tonight." Bryant said. All three men walked towards the first-enchanter's office.

"Don't worry about me! I'll be waiting right here!" Zara yelled after them. Alistair ignored her, disappearing into the First Enchanter's office.

"Is this Warden or personal business?" Kyle asked.

"I suppose it could be both, but I consider it personal business." He paused to calm and collect his thoughts. His mind was still flooding with thoughts of battle. Only continuing once his mind was clear of anything darkspawn related. "I have a rather large favor to ask of both of you." Both men remained silent, waiting for Alistair to continue. "How long would it take to wean a human off of Lyrium?"

"It would take up to two month to clear the body of any trace of Lyrium." Bryant said. "It would take significantly longer to completely break them of any dependency they may have."

Two months was a long time and she would never be herself, but at least she would no longer be dependant on Lyrium. He nodded. "Then I have a patient for you."

"You would have to give us at least a week or so to prepare a room for detoxification." Kyle said.

"Of course, take your time. It will take me while to get her to agree."

"Her?" Bryant asked.

"Elissa Cousland."

Both men tensed slightly. "Maker that is a mighty task you have before you. She does not trust anyone from the Circle." Kyle looked at Alistair with pity in his eyes.

"I'll work out a plan with her caretakers. If you're willing to take her that is, then I'll make sure she arrives." Alistair said. He wanted his Elissa well again; he would do anything to make it so.

"We will also heal any injury she may give you." Kyle smirked.

"As if I weren't scared enough thank you." Alistair stated dully. Yet the thought of her doing as such was not enough to dissuade him from his self-appointed mission. "She'll be here, even if I have to drag her kicking and screaming."

"You always ask Anders too just freeze her." Kyle suggested.

"Ah, now there's a thought." Alistair smirked. He wondered if Anders would do such a thing. It was worth a try. "Please write me as soon as you have everything prepared. I'll be at Soldier's peak."

"No need to worry, we know where the Warden's have stashed themselves. I will order the preparations to begin tomorrow morning."

"Thank you." He shook each man's hand. "I really do appreciate this."

"We should all at least try to get some sleep." Bryant suggested as he ushered Alistair out of the first-enchanter's office. "Kyle, you should show Zara to her room." Bryant suggested. The First Enchanter blushed and nodded before he eagerly strolled away in Zara's direction. "It's the first time I've seen him excited about a girl." Both men shared a short laugh. "This is your room. Goodnight to you Commander." He turned and left before Alistair could ask why a Knight-Commander was encouraging a Mage romance.

Alistair shut the door, leaned against it. Releasing a long sigh of relief, this was the easy part of his mission. If Elissa was distrustful of the Circle, then actually bringing her in would be the hard part.

He took off his armor before crawling into bed. Since sleep was eluding him once again, he decided it was time to read Elissa's journal. He pulled out the leather bound journal and began to reading.


	13. In her own words: The journey Part 1

**A/N: A HUGE thank you to Linette23 for taking the time to edit this chapter! **

**Camping in Ostagar. The Joining. Collecting crazy people.**

I_ have not had much time to write since we have been traveling non-stop for the better part of three weeks. My mind has been such a mess I hardly know where to begin. I have lost everything all in one night, how does one deal with that? _

_I know what I SHOULD feel. I should be furious, sad and whatever else grieving people feel. Sometimes I feel as if I have nothing left. I am afraid to cry, I fear my tears will never stop. I'm afraid to sleep because I'm afraid of what I will see in my dreams. My appetite is the only part of me remains ever the same; unfortunately, we have not had much in the way of food. _

_I don't want to bother Duncan with my problems; I know he has many of his own. He does his best to keep our conversations light and for that, I am thankful. We both have a fondness for books on magic, which has been a subject we have discussed at great length. I really do enjoy my talks with Duncan; he has a gift for putting people at ease. _

**"Maker breath, but I still miss him." Alistair sighed. **

_I suppose I should keep watch over our camp. I volunteered since I don't sleep. Duncan tells me we will be in Ostagar by tomorrow afternoon, thank goodness. I'm tired of walking about the country. It is enough to make me miss traveling by Caravan._

_I believe I am finished writing for now. Fadas is begging for attention and I have a camp to watch over. I will try to write once we've settled into Ostagar._

* * *

_I finally have some time to write, but not a much. I am to attend a strategy meeting with the king, but that can wait for now. I must write of everything that has happened today. _

_We arrived in Ostagar this afternoon, just as Duncan had predicted. King Cailan even acted as our welcoming committee. Mother was right, the King is insanely attractive. I don't much care for the long hair, but he is very attractive._

**Alistair groaned. In his time in Ostagar, he wasn't sure how many conversations he had overheard between women soldiers. All gushing over Cailan, speaking of how dreamy he was and how lucky the Queen was and blah, blah, blah. It surprised him that she found long hair unattractive. He might just have to rid himself of his long hair before long.**

_The King was completely aware of who I am. Apparently, both my father and mother have spoken of me. Nope, that isn't embarrassing at all. I told the King of everything that had happened in Highever, which Duncan confirmed, once I was finished. I almost broke down and cried several times, but stopped before it could happen. King Cailan seemed genuinely angry at the news. He told me I would have my revenge, which is something I'm not even sure I want. I thanked him anyways. _

_The King told me Fergus arrived safely several days ago. Which is a HUGE relief, I begged the King to allow me to see him unfortunately he was off scouting the Korcari Wilds. I will just have to wait until the battle is over to tell him of Oriana and Oren. That is a conversation I'm willing to put off as long as possible. . _

**He knew most of this, thanks to Wynne secretly divulging Elissa information without her knowing. Why Elissa never told HIM of which things would forever be a mystery. It bothered him to no end that she never shared much of anything about herself unless he continually badgered her for information. Which rarely happened since he always came to her with his problems?**

_The King's view on this upcoming battle bothers me. He wants an epic battle, something that will be in history books and legends for years to come. He doesn't appear to take the darkspawn very seriously at all. Something I believe to be a massive mistake. I didn't voice my opinion; I believe it would have fallen upon deaf ears. Duncan feels the same way, even if he hadn't voiced his opinion of it to me, I could see it in his eyes._

_Duncan told me I could explore the camp before my trip into the Wilds. Since I haven't had a decent meal in three weeks, I felt it was long overdue. Most of the soldiers in the food tent passed off my appetite as that of a Warden's. I have no idea what they are talking about, but let them think what they want. I was happy just to have something in my stomach that wasn't from a tree, bush or stream._

_They have a kennel here! Fadas didn't appreciate me socializing with other Mabari hounds. It's not as if I was going to ask for one, I just like looking at them. He follows Duncan everywhere he goes and expects me not to be jealous, but Andraste forbid I look at other hounds! That hardly seems fair to me. That damn dog!_

**He laughed softly. "You would be jealous of Duncan and your dog? Really Eli, that is awfully petty of you." **

_I spoke with my very first Mage today! Her name is Wynne; she is very polite and seems to know much about the darkspawn. I wish would have had more time to speak with her, but I had to be off to find a fellow Grey Warden._

_Once I completed my search the camp, I set out in search of my senior Grey Warden; Alistair. I found him speaking with a Mage, or maybe it was arguing I'm not exactly sure what they had said to one another, since I was rather distracted at the time. _

_The King may be Handsome, but Alistair astounded me, seriously, I forgot how to breathe. To call him handsome would be doing the man a disservice. Simply put, the man is gorgeous_

**Alistair gaped at her words. His gaping quickly turned into a wide grin. "Maker's breath, that is exactly what I thought when I first saw you. Well minus the man part, but I defiantly thought you were gorgeous." He beamed.**

_His hair is blondish red and short, and stubble to match, flawlessly tanned skin, oh and his eyes! His dark hazel eyes are so full of humor. I sound just like those noble twits I used to make fun of at balls and parties._

**Alistair brought his hand up to his mouth in order to stifle a laugh. "So she likes my eyes does she?" He grinned. The first thing he noticed about her was sadly, was her short silver hair. It's rare to see silver hair on a human. Her smile was enough to make his heart beat just a little faster within his chest. Her brown eyes, while beautiful, screamed of sadness. Her smile never quite reached her eyes.**

_All right, before I embarrass myself anymore, I'm moving on. There are two other recruits. Ser Jory who is a knight from Redcliffe, and Daveth I believe he hails from Denerim. The four of us went into the Wilds searching for darkspawn blood and some Warden treaties Duncan said would be useful. _

_Somehow, I found myself leading our group. I'm still not sure how that happened, but I didn't like it. I'm not a leader; I'm a fighter, but who am I to argue._

_The darkspawn are fucking scary and they smell horrible. I wish I had my bow on me instead of my daggers. I would much rather be killing them from a distance than up close. I found the easiest way to kill them is if I imagine Arl Howe's face on every single darkspawn I come across. I hate that I do that, I don't like being vindictive and angry. _

**"You killed them with such ease that I assumed you've faced them before, but now that makes perfect sense." Alistair mumbled. **

_In our search for the treaties, we came across a witch named Morrigan. The men accused her of being a Witch of the Wilds. As true as that may be; I hardly think being a witch of the wilds is a bad thing. I rather liked her. I found her brutal honesty refreshing, but I will admit at times that her honesty is a bit too brutal. _

**"I am not in the least bit surprised. You of all people would find her enduring. Damn your soft heart." He growled.**

_She took us too her mother, Flemeth. Certainly, it could not be THAT Flemeth? The witch the Chasind have feared for centuries. I would have asked if we had not been pressed for time._

_Flemeth gave us the treaties, (thanks to my politeness) and sent us on our way. Morrigan lead us out of the Wilds. She whispered the most curious thing in my ear before she parted ways. She whispered something about Alistair and I should be careful, her mother would not be pleased with the extra work. I have no idea what she meant; she didn't give me a chance to ask for an explanation before she shifted into a dog and ran away. She is a shape shifter, interesting. _

_The joining is not something I ever wish to relive. This is why we needed the darkspawn blood; we take it into our bodies, thus tainting our blood. This allows us to sense them, and they can sense us as well. It seems as if there should be more to this Warden business. The power to sense darkspawn hardly seems worth tainting ourselves. Once we drink the blood, either our body accepts the taint or we die. Seeing as how I don't have much to lose, I fail to see the down side of this situation. _

_Daveth was first, he sadly did not make it. It was horrible watching him gasping for breath and just fall to the ground. _

_Ser Jory drew his sword on Duncan when his turn came. Duncan defended himself and killed Ser Jory. I can't say I blame him, but it was still shocking nonetheless. _

_I obviously survived, but the visions were horrifying. There was a large red dragon with sharp teeth, sharper claws, and none too happy that I was there peeping on him. I have no idea why I would dream of a dragon, but I hope never to see him again. _

_I wonder why Duncan asked me to meet with the King and not Alistair. He is the senior Warden, I'm sure he should also be involved in any strategic meetings. Alistair didn't appear to be too bothered. _

_I think I have put off meeting with the King long enough. I think Teyrn Loghain will be there! I've read so many books on the man; I'm interested to see what he's like in person._

**He made something resembling a gagging sound as he turned the page.**

* * *

_We are in camp so now I have time to write._

_What have I done to warrant losing more people that I care about, and my new home? Does the Maker take some kind of sick pleasure our pain and suffering? The more I see of the world, the more I think the Chantry may be right. I think the Maker has left us, but not because we are not worthy of his love, I think the Maker is an asshole._

_The plan was extremely immature, but it was expected. King Cailan would be on the front line with the Grey Wardens. Alistair and I would be lighting a beacon to let Teyrn Loghain and his army know when to strike. All of us tried talking the King into staying behind with the Teyrn and his men, but the stubborn man was too far into his dream of being some grand hero. He would hear none of it. _

_Alistair was none too happy to hear of this plan, but there wasn't much either of us could do. Thus, we set off to the tower of Ishal. It was SUPPOSED to be an easy job, we really should have known better. The darkspawn had dug a tunnel under the tower; they were waiting for us by the time we arrived. Thank goodness, I found a bow! It wasn't much, but the bow allowed me to pick them off from a distance. _

_There was a huge Ogre waiting for us by the beacon. I hate darkspawn ogres; they don't go down as easily as other darkspawn do. These bastards actually make me work!_

_Alistair lit the beacon while I watched outside to make sure the Teyrn saw. The son of a bitch saw it all right, he sounded his retreat and left. I could hardly believe what I was seeing; the grand hero simply left the battlefield. I sure I was screaming "No" because Alistair continually asked me what was wrong. I ran over to the other window and saw it all, and that is when I saw the King die. _

_I watched on as the ogre grabbed the weaponless King, roared in his face, and snapped his spine in two. It killed him instantly. I watched on as Duncan rushed the Ogre and ran his sword through its skull. He hovered over the King, protecting him from any darkspawn that dared to step near him. I watched in horror as one of the armored darkspawn rushed towards Duncan, and slashed its blade across Duncan's neck with such force it separated his head from his neck. _

_I screamed some more and told Alistair we needed to leave. Just as we neared the door, a group of darkspawn broke it down. The last thing I remember is an arrow going through my neck, and I blacked out. _

**"Holy shit, I had no idea she saw it all." He gasped into the hand that was covering his mouth. **

_When I came to, Morrigan informed me of her mother's rescue. Her parting words at the edge of the Wilds suddenly made sense. It would have been nice if she had told me how to avoid getting an arrow through my fucking neck. _  
_She told me of my dim-witted companion who awaited me outside. Thank goodness, Alistair was still alive!_

**"HEY! I am not dim-witted!" He nearly yelled. **

_I thanked her for her part in our rescue, rushed to get my clothes on and ran out of the hut. _

_Alistair stood near the edge of the swamp and was clearly alive. According to Flemeth, he had been worried. I'm sure he had hoped I would be Duncan, if only I could have made it so. _

**"That would be completely false my dear."**

_We decided to use the treaties to build an army against the darkspawn, since that is what Grey Wardens do. I'm going to help build an army! Not in a million years did I ever think I would be doing such a thing. It's thrilling and scary at the same time. _

_Flemeth suggested we take Morrigan with us, sighting her magic would be useful to us. Morrigan appeared to be less than thrilled about this option, but came with us anyways. Here I am leading again, once don't like it, but I haven't been given much of an option. _

**"I'm sorry Eli." Alistair sighed. "I thought of my own selfish fears. I knew I didn't want to lead. I never even bothered taking your feelings into consideration."**

_Morrigan suggested we go north to a small town called Lot_hering. _We left as soon as she was ready. I swear her and Alistair's constant bickering is going to be the death of me. Fadas and I try to distance ourselves, but sometimes it simply doesn't work. Ugh!_

* * *

_Lothering was a town filled with Ostagar survivors, but was in danger of being consumed by the darkspawn, so evacuation plans were underway. These poor people are going from one hell to another. _

_Morrigan went off on he own, to gather herbs for potions and whatnot. Alistair, Fadas and I wandered about the town looking for supplies. Alistair had been quiet since we left Flemeth's hut two days ago, so I thought he might need to talk. I wanted to tell him I knew how he was feeling; I knew how it felt to lose someone. I doubt he would have believed me, much less take any comfort from my words. Much to my surprise, he did speak of Duncan. I'm so glad he did. _

_In our walk through town, I managed to get him to speak of his childhood. He told me that Arl Eamon raised him, until he was at least ten years of age. He joked about dogs raising him. I don't think it was a joke but he passed it off as such. He told me the Arlessa sent him off to the Chantry because she was afraid she was Eamon's child. It was a story that angered me more than I thought it would. The poor man, going through so much and remaining as light hearted and good-natured as he is. _

_We picked up two people in town. One is, or might be crazy. She is a cloistered sister, who is very good with a dagger. Her name is Leliana, she told us the Maker came to her in a vision and told her she needs to come with us. She is crazy, and more than welcomed in our group. _

_Although I must say, I was a bit jealous of the way Alistair looked at her. It made me wish he would look at me like that occasionally, instead of looking at me for direction. _

**"Holy Maker's ass, I thought she was cute. I did look at you like that, just not while you were looking. What the hell is wrong with women?" Alistair shook his head rolled his eyes and chuckled softly. **

_Our second member is Sten of the Qunari. We found him in a cage on our way out of town. I'm not actually sure what possessed me to save him, but a little voice in my head told me he might be useful. This, of course, is a theory I have yet to test. I asked the revered mother to release him into our custody, thanks to Leliana, the revered mother agreed. _

_We ran into some darkspawn on our way out of town, but with six of us, they were easy enough to dispose of._

_I tried to sleep. That went about as I thought it would. I dreamt of Highever, I was sure the screaming I heard was coming from me, but it was all in my head. Then it morphed into that red dragon again. I jumped from my bedroll as if it were on fire. Alistair informed it the red dragon is the Archdemon. That is what we are up against? At least there is no pressure or anything. _

_Instead of going back to sleep, I took the time to get to know everyone. Hey! Alistair has never licked a lamppost in winter! That is indeed good news, I suppose._

**Alistair's hand flew up over his mouth in order to stifle the fits of laughter. **

_It took me a moment to figure out what hell he was going on about, one moment I asked him if he had ever….well done THAT. I assumed being a gorgeous man and all that he might have. Next, we were speaking of licking lampposts! As it turns out we were still talking about sex, but suddenly it turned into a conversation with a child. I honestly should have seen the coming from him of all people. He looked surprised to learn that I have also never licked a lamppost in winter. I'm not sure why everyone is always so surprised. Do I look like some cheap hussy? _

_I believe Leliana might have been a Bard from Orlais before seeking shelter from the Chantry. I wonder what happened to make her stop; she would not speak of it. That is all right, I hope she will tell me soon though. I can feel it; I just know she and I are going to become good friends. _

_Sten is IMPOSSIBLE! He answers a question with a question. He could at least show a little appreciation since I save his ass from the darkspawn. Alas, Qunari are a proud race and a race all about duty. Getting to know him isn't going to be easy but damn it I'm determined! _

_Morrigan was slightly talkative tonight for a change. She can shift into other animals, but just as I suspected she can't shift into other people. I forgot to write it down earlier, but her mother is THAT Flemeth, but Morrigan would speak of her mother. I don't think they like each other very much. _

_I'm so very tired, but I volunteered to take watch tonight with Leliana. I suppose I should stop writing and do my job. I'll write more later on._


	14. In her own words: The journey Part 2

A/N: A huge thanks to Eva Galana and Linette23 for looking though this chapter for me.

**A little blood with that Fade. Dwarves, politics and golems. Dead men walking. **

_The past two days have been rather hectic, but now we now have the help of the Circle of Magi. It was not that difficult; all we had to do was rid the tower of some annoying abominations and blood mages. Oh and we all were able to take an insanely pointless trip into the fade. All in a day's work for a Grey Warden. Tis a day I am not eager to relive. _

_We have a new member in our every growing group of strangeness. He is an elf, his name is Zevran and he tried to kill me. _

_We came across Zevran on our walk from Lothering to the Circle. We just happened to strolled into one of the most poorly set trap/ambush I have ever seen. Calling it poorly set is being extremely kind. I really expected more from highly trained assassins. _

_I left Zevran alive because I wanted to know who sent them. Loghain's name came up, just as I assumed it would. He had been paid good gold to dispose of two Wardens. _

_Then the begging began, I am a firm believer in second chances. My decision to let Zevran live was met by much disgust, but when THEY decided to take the lead then THEY can tell me what to do. Otherwise, they can all bite me. _

"**I still say we should have killed the stupid elf." **

_I took Lelianna, Alistair and Morrigan with me into the Circle tower. Which was just me begging for a massive headache. Why do my best fighters happen to be my biggest complainers?_

"**HEY! I did not complain; I called it constructive disapproval." He huffed. **

_The tower was in a state of chaos upon our arrival. Wounded templar's were everywhere, more were pouring in by the minute. I spotted the Knight-Commander straight away. He stood in the middle of the hallway barking orders, as the Commander types usually do. _

_I told him who I was and why I was here. He informed me that the Circle was in disarray and was in no shape to help anyone. No shit, as if I couldn't see the chaos for myself._

_Knight-Commander Greagoir told me he had called upon the Right of Annulment, but it had not arrived yet, thank goodness. I offered my services, he refused, I insisted, he finally gave in. My stubbornness is far superior to that of any man's. That is what Fergus always told me. _

_Greagoir said would call off the Right of Annulment ONLY if he heard from the first enchanter himself that all blood mages and abominations were gone from the tower_

_We ran into the mage I met at Ostagar, Wynne. Thank goodness, she survived Ostagar! She didn't trust us at first, assuming we had been sent to kill them all. Once I explained to her I was there to save the Mages and not dispose of them (much to Morrgians loud objections and disgust), she joined us on our mission to clear the tower, and look for the first enchanter. _

_Before we set off, Wynne told us of a blood Mage named Uldred. He was the cause of all the chaos, it a rebellion of sorts, against the chantry's control. I would say it did more harm to the Mages than help. _

_Abominations are fucking scary! I was shocked at how big and powerful they were. I prefer them staying in the fade where they belong. Blood Mages are easily disposable; I did feel bad killing them. They were lead into believing this was the only road opened to them, but that still does not excuse their actions. _

_I mentioned a pointless trip into the fade. We ran into a Sloth demon, before we knew it we were separated and in the fade. _

"**Finally!" he would know what she had seen in her Fade. She had been so hell bent on keeping hers a secret from everyone. Something he had always considered extremely unfair since she had seen everyone else's fears and deepest desires. **

_When I came to, I was in front of the Weisshaupt fortress in the Anderfels. I am still not sure how I knew what the building in front of me was, but I feel that is unimportant in the grand scheme of things. _

_When I saw the platform, some little voice in my brain me told me I needed to be there. Duncan stood in the middle of the platform. I was so excited to see him I thought my heart would burst. _

"**Wait a damn minute." He glared furiously at the journal. "Why did you dream of Duncan? I knew him longer!" A terrifying thought crossed Alistair's mind. "What if her greatest desire was really Duncan? Good maker, what if she settled for me?" He quickly deemed these ideas to be unbelievably stupid and immediate dismissed them from his mind. **

_I do not remember what we said to one another, but the moment he spoke, I knew it was not the real Duncan. My second clue came when he attacked me, my third came when I was able to beat him with great ease. _

_I remember being able to change into a mouse, golem, a flaming dead man and a fade spirit. It is the first time I have ever had to use Lyrium to heal myself. It made my head spin. Escaping from reality if only for only a moment was rather nice. _

**Alistair groaned. "I doubt that was the start of it all, but it certainly didn't help." **

_I think Alistair has a sister at least that is how he introduced the image standing next to him. If he does truly have a sister, then I am indeed happy for him._

_Morrigan saw through the whole charade. _

_Wynne feels responsible for the deaths of her fellow Circle Mages. Thank goodness, I sent Leliana back before we entered; no doubt, her fade would have something to do with the chantry. _

_Sloth appeared to be surprised someone figured out his well thought up traps. Since I wasn't interested in his lies, a fight ensued. Beating Sloth was a chore; he kept changing his shape, as did I. Once we defeated him, we were back into the real world. _

_It was obvious by Uldred's actions; a pride demon had taken possession of him. I do not know why the daemon thought using blood Mages, and Abominations would be a good idea. I thankfully do not understand the inner workings of a daemon's mind. _

_ONCE AGAIN fighting ensued. This fight was nowhere near as long as our fight with Sloth, but it was just as irritating. Abominations were trying to hit me while I was trying to get a clear shoot at Uldred with my arrows. Eventually, I was able to defeat the abomination that was once Uldred. _

_Thankfully, the first enchanter was alive and well, but very clearly shaken. Once we reached the main hall, a surprised and relieved Knight-Commander Greagoir met us. True to his word, he believed first enchanter Irving when he said the tower was under control and safe for now. _

_I wonder why Irving didn't use his own magic to stop Uldred? Maybe I have greatly misunderstood what the title first enchanter's title entails; perhaps his power is about wisdom than the actual using of magic. I would ask him, but I am by no means anxious to return to the tower any time soon. _

"**I don't believe any of us were. Yet here I am." **

_Wynne has decided to join us, I think she might be the sanest person here. I guess every group of rebels needs a voice of reason. _

_I think we all need a couple of days of rest before heading to Orzammar. It is a rest that is well deserved and needed._

* * *

_The last week has been long, brutal and exhausting both emotionally and physically. I will begin at camp since that is the first thing that comes to mind. We were just outside of Orzammar, when I decided I needed to learn more about my companions. _

_I spoke with Alistair first, I know, what a huge shock. I have learned from Alistair that Grey Wardens only live for thirty years. Which is far longer than I expect to live given the current situation, it really doesn't bother me much? _

"**I remember being fairly disturbed by your lack of surprise. Our death sentence has always bothered me." He remembered when Duncan finally told him. He had nearly fainted. At least he had kept his urge to cry in front of the other Warden's under control. **

_There is also the Warden appetite I heard about from the other Warden's in Ostagar. I haven't even noticed since I already eat as if I'm starving. Now I can blame it on the taint! _

_I also might have told Alistair how attractive I think he is. It slipped before I could stop it from coming out. Much to my surprise, HE CALLED ME PRETTY! I have never, in all my life been told that I'm pretty before! I did not do much talking with anyone else after that conversation. Well, other than Leliana, who wanted to know how my attempt at flirting went._

"**Oh yes, I remember that unfortunate conversation. I kicked myself later for calling you pretty. It was all my brain could come up with at the spur of the moment, I was also extremely nervous." Yet his fumbling of words didn't seem to discourage her in the slightest. **

_I will try to summarize everything that happened in Orzammar, although it might be difficult since so much happened. _

_I find the amount of bullshit involved in dwarven politics to be truly amazing. It is actually no different than human politics, but dwarves can get away with killing each other out in the open without any repercussions. How lucky for them. _

_Orzammar was in a state of civil war due to King Endrin Aeducan sudden death. This left the throne empty and two sides wanting to control it. This is always the story when it comes to an empty throne. _

**Alistair chuckled bitterly. "That the truth." **

_Bhelen Aeducan is whom I supported. Yes, he is ruthless, but something about Bhelen told me he would be better for the people than Lord Harrowmont would. Like most of my decisions, I'll most likely end up regretting it later. This is why I didn't want to be a leader. _

_Gaining support was long and tedious and ended up taking us into the deep roads, but we have a new member. His name is Oghren; he's is a warrior cast dwarf who joined us on our journey into the deep roads in order to search for his wife Branka. She happened to be the paragon noble we were looking for to settle the issue of the throne. She and her entire household went into the deep roads two years ago, in order to find the Anvil of the Void, which holds the secrets to creating golems. _

_I can see why Grey Wardens choose to come to the deep roads to die; there is no shortage of darkspawn to fight. Some are scarier than others are. The broodmother being one of the scarier darkspawn we have come across to date._

**Alistair shuddered at the mentioning of the broodmother. He hoped never to again across that particular darkspawn.**

_She had arms and tentacles and they went EVERYWHERE. Goodness, it was horrible and scary. Sometimes I really do hate this job; I don't like fighting monsters all of the time and making hard decisions that piss off someone or another…oops, got a bit off topic there._

"**I had no idea you hated it so much. I thought you enjoyed doing so since you lead us so naturally." Guilt reared it's ugly head within him once again. "There isn't much I can do about it now, but hope I can actually lead, and be as fair as you once were." **

_We found Branka and she was rather obsessed with the Anvil. We also found creator of golems, Caridin who was a golem himself. _

_I happened to have read some books on the dwarven King during the first blight. The King condemned Caridin into the body of a golem for his refusal to use the Anvil. Amazing he has been alive this long._

_Caridin begged me to help him destroy the Anvil. Branka begged me not to. I chose to destroy it, because the last thing the world needs is uncontrollable golems. Branka turned on us. I didn't want to kill her, but she left me no choice. I feel so bad for Oghren. _

_Before he destroyed the Anvil of the void and himself, Caridin forged a crown and supported whom ever I saw fit. Shortly afterwards Bhelen was crowned and now we have the help of the dwarves when the time comes for the final battle. _

_Bhelen said that he knew his fellow Prince Alistair would recognize his rightful place. Prince? Why did Bhelen call Alistair that? Is there something I don't know about Alistair? _

"**I knew that would come back to bite me." **

_Now we are off to Redcliffe to seek help from Arl Eamon. Alistair insists he should not put off our visit any longer._

* * *

_I am almost too furious to write, damn that man for not telling me who his father is! It would have been nice to know he is an heir to the throne! I am, of course talking about Alistair. It was stupid of me not figuring it out sooner. _

_Clues were all around me, Cailan and Alistair do share similar traits; Alistair is just tanner, shorter hair, and a bit of stubble. He kept it from be because "he was scared of how I might react". Be a fucking man about it and just tell me! I'm angry and not making any sense. I need to get a drink of water and calm myself before writing anymore._

"**I knew she was far angrier than she was letting on. I can't say I blame you." He sighed. "But YOU weren't exactly forthcoming about your nobility and what happened with your family. Which isn't as big as being a half prince, but it still would have been nice to hear it from you instead of hearing about it from Wynne first." **

_Nope, still not calm. I have some time before dusk sets in. I might as well write about some of my other slightly less secretive companions who well…..still only somewhat trusts me. _

"**Ouch. That wounds me deeply." He chuckled softly and rolled his eyes. She would get over such thoughts soon enough. Elissa rare ever held grudges. **

_I was right about Leliana; she was a Bard in Orlais before entering into the Chantry. Oh and apparently, she has a crush on me. She is very beautiful and I'm very flattered, but I don't exactly swing that way. I was slightly more diplomatic in letting her know we are friends and that is all we shall ever be. _

"**I knew that little minx could attract all types." **

_Morrigan wants me to kill Flemeth. I'm actually tempted to do it. It turns out Flemeth has been able to stay alive so long by inhabiting the body of whatever daughter she has on hand. I have already told Morrgian I would do it, but I'm still waiting for the right time to do so. _

_Zevran is a hopeless flirt. He has offered to assassinate my virginity more than once. I have to admit his shameless flirting does make me giggle sometimes. This is far more than some half-princes who don't trust me with huge secrets._

"**Oh for Maker's sake, just let it go already!" He rolled his eyes. **

_Sten lost his sword, which I have told him I will find. He doesn't believe me, but likes the thought of my caring anyways. I'll show him, now I'll just find it to prove to him not all humans are scattered brained morons. _

_Oghren drinks A LOT. _

_Wynne asks me more questions than I ask her. Which bothers me some, but I found myself telling her how I became a Warden; she told me of her childhood, which despite spending all of her time in the tower was very interesting. She told me of all the pranks she would pull on the other older mages. _

_Something troubles Wynne, I can see it in her eyes, but I will give her time. I hope she'll soon trust me with whatever it may be. _

_We are in Redcliffe; the village is under attack nightly by….well no one is really sure what they are, but it's something that takes people with them. Oh and Arl Eamon is sick. Good to know this will be an easy job. That was sarcasm, of course. _

_Bann Teagan explained most of the situation to us upon our arrival. Whatever information he didn't give us, the town mayor and Ser Perth did. _

_I know we are in the middle of a crisis here, but I had to flirt with Teagan. It was almost an uncontrollable urge; I am determined to make that man blush. It didn't work this time either. Someday I will make that man blush I swear it! _

"**Why don't I remember that?" He then remembered she had asked him to go back to camp for the time being. "Oh, so that's why." He chuckled softly. **

_We have united the people of Radcliffe, got the drunken blacksmith to make weapons for everyone, found a little lost boy, liberated a barmaid, gathered religious and useless charms from the knights. Now I'm going to sit here and admire the beauty that comes in the form of Ser Perth. I'll write more after we figure out what is going on here. _

**Ser Perth? Come on now Eli, so I hid who my real father is from you; get over it already and move on."**

* * *

_I have but only a moment to write before we storm Redcliffe Castle. I've decided life is far too short to remain mad at someone for not telling me of his family lineage._

_Dead men, that is what was plaguing Redcliffe village. The walking dead, wow that sure was special. However, on the plus side, we saved the village. _

_Now there is the problem of where those things came from and finding out what is wrong with Arl Eamon. _

_I have finally meet Arlessa Isolde. The woman is every bit as pleasant as Alistair described, if not more so. She begged Teagan to come with her to the castle. It reeks of a trap, but I said nothing. Before he left Teagan told me of the secret door in the windmill, he handed me a key and left. Ser Perth will be waiting just outside of the castle gates as per Bann Teagan's order. _

_That is all I have time for now. Leliana is looking at me with impatience, as are Wynne and Alistair. I will write more after everything is finished. _


	15. An unexpected visitor

The next morning after breakfast Zara sat in the dining hall listening to Knight-Commander Bryant explain the difference between Malificar and Apostates. She had brought up the subject since she really did not know the difference.

While they were busy chatting, The First Enchanter asked Alistair up to the second floor; to show him that preparations for Elissa's arrival were underway.

The First Enchanter led Alistair into a large well-lit room. Mages were bustling in and out of the room setting up restrains, runes, potions and cots.

"You didn't need to prove to me that you were preparing, I believed what you said last night." Alistair watched as several Mages set up runes stones around the room. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the First Enchanter shrug.

"Some people need to see it for themselves." Kyle turned to Alistair, his face serious. "I doubt I need to tell you this, but you should know the chances of her recovering her complete memory are slim. It's not impossible, since nothing is impossible, but her chances are very slim."

"I am well aware of the statistics First Enchanter. This isn't about her loss of memories; although it would be nice if she could have those back. This is about her getting though a day without having to worrying about withdrawals."

"It may do her more harm than help." Kyle stated with a shrug.

"That may be true, but we'll never know if we don't try."

"As long as you are aware of all the possible outcomes I feel better proceeding."

"Thank you First Enchanter. I was wondering if you could send word to Redcliffe Castle once everything has been prepared. The less distance I have to travel the better." It was a thought that occurred to Alistair during breakfast. He knew he would need to discuss this with everyone at the Castle.

"Of course, can I assume you will be staying here with her as well?" First Enchanter Kyle asked as he held the door open for Alistair, who nodded at the First Enchanter on his way out the door. "Commander, I know this may be none of my business, but how do you know Commander Cousland?"

"I traveled with her during the blight while she gathered an army against the darkspawn. I left just before the final battle." Kyle's eyes grew wide with surprise. Confused by the First Enchanter's reaction Alistair took a cautious step backwards.

"Maker, you're Alistair aren't you?" Kyle asked excitedly.

"Yessss, I am." Alistair said eyeing the mage suspiciously.

"Please wait here for one moment." Kyle walked off in the direction of his office without waiting for a response. Alistair paced the hallway until Kyle returned several minutes later, a set of Mage robes in his hands.

"Mage robes?" Alistair chuckled uncomfortable. "Those are hardly my size, or really my style."

"I'm not sure if you've heard, but a year ago Wynne passed." Alistair's smile quickly faded, replaced by a twinge of guilt in the pit of his stomach. "She spoke very fondly of her favorite unofficial grandson, Alistair. She told me before she died if you ever came back, or if Commander Cousland's elf ever found out where you were; to give you these." Kyle reverently handed Wynne's robes to Alistair, who gently took the robes.

"She wanted me to have these?" Alistair whispered sadly; only by the grace of the Maker was he able to hold back his tears. Kyle smiled at the Warden-Commander.

"Yes, Wynne's eyes would always light up when she spoke of you, it wasn't difficult to see how much she missed and cared for you. I'm just thankful Wynne and Commander Cousland were able to make amends before she passed into the Fade." Kyle heaved a sigh. Alistair looked up from the robes, confusion written all over his face.

"They were at odds with one another?" He opened his pack and slipped Wynne's robes next to Elissa's journal.

"Oh, you don't know do you?" Kyle shifted against the wall uncomfortably. "According to Wynne, everyone else left Commander Cousland after the final battle, because none of them agree with her decision at the Landsmeet."

"I assumed that lot would stick by her through thick and thin." Alistair mused.

"I am afraid I don't know any more information than that. You'll have to hope the former Commander can retain at least some of her memory from that time." Kyle suggested as they made their way back to the first floor dining hall.

After much searching, they found Knight-Commander Bryant and Zara waiting in the main entrance. Zara's face brightened slight as Kyle entered the room, as did Kyle's face when he saw Zara. He bid Alistair a good journey and strolled off to wish Zara the same, only with more feeling and touching involved. Bryant and Alistair said their goodbyes.

Once Alistair was able to drag Zara away from Kyle, they set off for the docks. Before leaving, they stopped into the Spoiled Princess for something to drink. Alistair started to order a pint of ale, when Zara spoke up, ordering both of them a cider instead.

"Zara, I've gone this long without a mother, I really don't need one now." Alistair sighed.

"I'm not trying to be your mother. You began drinking because you had sorrows to drown, what sorrows do you have now?"

"I've already given up brothels." He muttered defiantly. "Now I have to give up ale too?"

"Just answer the question." Zara narrowed her eyes.

"Fine, I have no sorrows to speak of, other than the woman I love not remembering me. Are you Happy now?"

"I'm so thrilled; I'm going to start shitting gold pieces at any given moment." Zara rolled her eyes. "Wait, you actually had to **give up **going to brothels?"

"Yes and I think I've done rather well so far." Alistair said defensively.

"I'm not judging." She shrugged.

"Yes you are." Alistair accused the smirking elf.

"You're right, I am totally judging." Zara admitted and quickly let the conversation drop once their drinks arrived.

The hot cider was smooth and burned all the way down his throat. Alistair downed his mug within minutes, as did Zara. Neither one asked for seconds before leaving for their horses.

"Where are we going now?" Zara asked as she untied her horse.

"Amaranthine, we're going to visit Vigil's Keep and ask a favor from its Arl." Alistair smirked.

"Warden Commanders can do that?"

"They can when the Arl is a Warden and I AM his Commander."

"You haven't been on the job a month and you're already pulling rank. Zara squeaked.

"Does it make me irresistibly attractive?" He purred and wiggled his eyebrows. Zara howled with laughter.

"I can hardly help myself I'm so overcome with desire." She dully followed by a rolling of her eyes.

"I jest Zara. I know you have it bad for the first enchanter." He teased.

"I don't "have it bad" but I do like him." She smirked slightly.

With that said, they headed off towards Amaranthine.

* * *

Two days and one brief stop; the two Wardens entered the city of Amaranthine. Alistair stopped in order to ask where the Keep was. The merchant grinned and pointed to the hill above the city.

"Wow, now that is a huge keep." Zara gaped at the large building in front of them. Alistair thanked the merchant and rode on.

"What did you expect a Keep to look like?" He asked.

"I don't know since I've never seen one before, but it's just as creepy as I expected it to be." Zara commented with a raised eyebrow

They rode the rest of the way in silence. Upon their arrival at the Keep, Alistair noticed Nathaniel outside speaking with a group of soldiers. He excused himself as Alistair and Zara approached.

"That was fast," Nathaniel said as he approached. Alistair and Zara handed off their horses to a stable hand. "I only sent your letter off an hour ago."

"I came here straight from the Circle tower, I had no idea you had even sent a letter." Alistair frowned.

"It's good you are here, it keeps HIM from staying the night." Nathaniel grumbled.

"Him? Would you mind elaborating on who HIM is Warden?"

"A Warden from Weisshaupt is here to meet with you. He is here to ask you some questions."

"I expected the questions from Weisshaupt." He followed Nathaniel up the stairway and through the main doors. "Why would he come here instead of Soldiers Peak?"

Nathaniel grunted bitterly. "I believe he assumed that Elissa would be here. They've been looking for her since our run in with the Architect. They have some…questions for her. At least that is what they wrote."

"Is the Architect, one of the intelligent darkspawn the Queen mentioned?"

Nathaniel nodded. "The quick version: Elissa let him live because he promised to stop any future blights, take all of his children and darkspawn back into the Deep Roads never to return. All he asked for was for us to defeat The Mother, and some of Elissa blood."

"The Weisshaupt Wardens have a problem with her choices I take it?"

"They think allowing the Architect to live, assures future blights. They are not too thrilled with Elissa for allowing him to "escape". The other Wardens don't know of the details of the deal. They've been looking for the Architect ever since."

Nathaniel ushered Alistair into his study. "I'll give you the detailed version later. For now, the faster we get rid of the Weisshaupt Warden, the better I will feel." Nathaniel strode from the room, leaving Alistair pacing around the study as he awaited the Warden's arrival.

_"Just calm yourself, and answer how YOU would normally answer not how you believe she would answer_." He thought to himself. He started practicing his Templar mental exercises to calm his heart and mind for the encounter.

Alistair took his place at Nathaniel's desk trying his best to look authoritative, as the door to the study opened. In walked tall dark haired man, whose build almost rivaled Shale's. Alistair didn't allow his surprise to show on his face as he walked around the desk to greet his fellow Warden. The Warden gripped Alistair's hand with amazing strength. Alistair did his best to match the Warden's aggressive handshake.

"I am Warden Abelard. It's a pleasure to meet you Warden-Commander Theirin." The two men let go of each other's hand. Alistair motioned for Abelard to take a seat across from his own. "This will only take but a moment of your time Warden-Commander."

Alistair walked over to the sideboard, pouring Abelard and himself each a glass of water. "It's a long way to travel only to ask a few questions and leave." Alistair said keeping his voice even and calm. He handed the water glass to Abelard, who nodded and made quick work of the contents in one gulp.

"It is a necessary trip. We like to know about any new Commanding Wardens." He pulled a small journal from his pack with a quill. "I must be honest with you Warden-Commander Theirin; we do not have much information on you. We know of your family, reason for leaving Ferelden and your relationship with the Previous Warden-Commander. "At the mention of Elissa Alistair saw Abelard smirk slightly. Alistair's eyes narrowed as he appraised Abelard.

"I was raised by Arl Eamon until I was ten. Then I was shipped off to the Chantry, because I was the King's royal bastard and dirty little secret. I would have completed my Templar training, had then Warden-Commander Duncan not conscripted me. I was one of the only two surviving Grey Wardens in all of Ferelden three years ago, and left when Elis

Warden-Commander Cousland conscripted Teyrn Loghain into the Wardens." Alistair paused and with deliberate slowness, "I don't believe I left anything out."

"Do you know why she allowed Teyrn Loghain into the Wardens?"

"I do not." Alistair lied. He trusted this man about as far as he could throw him while on a three day drunken bender. Thankfully, Ablelard did not notice seem Alistair's attitude. "I suppose she had her reasons, none of which she shared with me or anyone else."

"This was your reason for leaving the Warden's at the height of Blight?" Abelard queried, looking intently at his journal then back at Alistair.

"I don't regret my decision to leave if that is what you want me to say." Alistair watched the man for any sign of reaction. He noticed that a slight frown creased the man's brow as he asked his next question.

"How are we to believe you will not once again leave Ferelden if something you don't agree with were to happen?"

"I am not asking you to believe anything" Alistair slowly shook his head. "I hardly thought I would be worthy of this position, however I have been afforded a second chance I never thought I needed or deserved. I have no intention of squandering this chance by leaving again."

The Warden cleared his throat softly. "You are of royal blood?"

"Partially, but I relinquished those rights to the throne three years ago. I had no interest in it then and I have even less interest now." Alistair sneered.

"The Queen is concerned that you might use your new found power to…how did she say it…"Raise a revolt in your name." is this something you plan on doing? Is that the reason you cam back?"

Alistair chuckled loudly. _That crazy cow is still convinced I want her crown. _He rolled his eyes and said. "If I planned on raising a revolt, telling you would hardly be a step in the right direction." Abelard failed to see the humor that Alistair saw in his question. "I can say with all sincerity I have no interest in ruling, or using my Warden-Commander status to take a stand against Ferelden's Queen."

Warden Abelard scribbled something in his journal. "Have you been informed of the events that transpired six months after the Blight's end?"

"I have been vaguely informed." Alistair said dully. "If you are wondering where Elissa is I…." Alistair trailed off as Abelard held up his hand to silence him.

"We have no interest in the former Warden-Commander." The Warden smirked again. "I was only curious if she told you anything about those events."

Alistair almost laughed aloud, but managed to mask his emotions before responding to the question. "She hasn't said anything. All of my information from the Queen herself."

"Right, I doubt the former Commander would know anything."

Alistair's head snapped up and he eyed the Warden suspiciously. _"How would he know that?_" Alistair almost asked aloud, and only just managed to stop himself.

"Anything new, I doubt she would know anything new." Warden Abelard quickly added, however the damage was already been done. Alistair knew by the Warden's smirk that "slip" had been on purpose.

"One last question before I let you carry on with your duties. Do you know of a blood Mage by the name of Avernus?"

"Yes, I believe he's still alive and still within Soldier's Peak."

"Oh so he's still alive. Good, very good." He said as he placed the journal back in his pack.

"Is there some new rule against blood Mages?" Alistair pushed himself up from the desk, guiding the Warden towards the door of the study.

"We have heard of his research with the taint, and the potential uses it may have. We merely wanted to know if he was still alive. Since you have been there recently you appeared to be the person to ask." They stood outside on the stairs while they waited for Abelard's horse to be brought forth.

The two Wardens shook hands before Abelard leapt onto the back of his horse. "When you see Warden Cousland, please do tell her Weisshaupt send our best wishes." He flashed Alistair a smile that sent shivers down his spine. Without waiting for a response, he took off into the direction of the harbor. Alistair stared after Abelard for some time. He barely heard Nathaniel walk up beside him.

"What a pleasant lot." Nathaniel sneered.

"I think the Anderfeld Wardens have something to do with Elissa and her bouts of Lyrium poisoning." Alistair said thoughtfully.

"I wouldn't put it past them." Nathaniel chuckled bitterly. "She has been a thorn in their side for some time. If they did order her to be poisoned, they most likely justified it as being part of their duty and for the greater good of the Wardens. It's disgusting."

"They asked me about Avernus."

"Oh, yes. They ask all of us about him. They constantly want to know of his taint research and if he's found some new use for the taint."

Alistair sighed. "Speaking of Elissa, I have something I need to tell you." He waited until Nathaniel lead him back into his study, then told him of his visit to the Circle and setting up an appointment for cleansing her of any and all traces of Lyrium.

"ARE YOU CRAZY?" Nathaniel shouted as he pushed himself up from his chair, knocking it backwards in his surprise and anger. "She doesn't trust the Circle, how the hell do you plan on getting her there?"

"I was hoping you, Anders, and Zevran would help me."

"So you just set this up without even discussing it with us first?" Nathaniel glared at Alistair with anger still burning in his grey eyes.

"Yes I did. Something needs to be done to help her or do you think allowing this to go on is in her best interest?"

"What right do you have to come in here and decide what is best for her?" Nathaniel said between gritted teeth. "It's not like you've been here the whole two years she's been like this."

"I don't have any right, but tell me Warden Howe what have any of you done to help her? Have you even tried to cure her?"

Nathaniel closed his eyes and shook his head. "We…..He trailed off as he raised his eyes to meet Alistair's. "No we haven't."

"Allow me to at least try and help her." Alistair demanded, suddenly feeling a sense of strength he had never felt before. It gave him a rush that was beyond than any mug of ale or hard liquor could provide.

Nathaniel heaved a sigh and nodded. "When will the preparations be complete for her arrival?"

"The Mages say they'll have a room ready by next week. "

"We will leave as soon as I have things here in order." He walked towards the exit. "I'll send a message to Redcliffe Castle tonight." He waited for Alistair to follow. "I will show you to your room, before I have a talk with Seneschal Varel." In silence, he walked with

Alistair up to his room set aside for his use.

Three days later Nathaniel, Zara and Alistair rode toward Redcliffe Castle.

* * *

They rode hard for two days, by the nightfall of the second day; all three companions were far too tired to ride on. No one offered to keep watch. With Zara's excellent hearing it was not necessary.

Alistair's head had barely touched his bedroll when he heard the flap of his tent open and close. He ignored the sound assuming it was the wind. He thought better of it when the swift kick to his backside knocked him off of his bedroll.

"Get up you dim-witted templar." Came an all too familiar voice.

Alistair groaned in pain. "For Maker's sake Morrigan was that really nes…" He bolted upright his eyes flying to view the smirking witch standing beside him. "Oh maker, please tell me this is just a really bad nightmare."

"Is that any way to greet a former traveling companion?" She nearly sang.

"When it's you, yes it is." With a hard stare and barely a pause Alistair asked, "What do you want, Bitch of the wilds?"

"As eloquent as always I see." Morrigan sighed and rolled her yellow eyes. With an almost purring tone, she went on to say, "I have merely come to offer you my services."

"What service might that be?" He mocked her sweet tone.

"Foolish Templar, you should be polite to the woman who wants to give you back your oh so fair maiden." She mocked. "Despite the obvious fact she deserves far better than a whoring, drunken fool of a man such as you." Her wolfish grin made Alistair shiver.

"I won't even ask how you know."

"I have a proposition for you." She said impatiently. Alistair smirked slightly and waited for her to continue. When she, in his estimation waited a heartbeat too long he went on to say.

"I've read where your propositions lead and believe me I have no interest in sleeping with you."

"Nor I you." She visibly shuddered with a look of revulsion in her fair features.

"I can assume some kind of ancient magic will be used for these services you are offering?" With one brow raised, he waited for the response he was certain would be forthcoming.

"I shall write of this moment in my diary so I may remember always. "My dearest diary: The fool has shown signs of intelligence." It will make for a fond memory." She said as she mimicked closing a book. "To answer your inane question, ancient magic would indeed be used."

"I didn't trust you during our travels and I don't exactly trust you now, seeing as you were only with our little group to sleep with me and leave. Please tell me why I should stand here, and listen to you." His eyes calculated the distance to his sword, wondering if he could obtain it and run her though before she could react. With a mental sigh, he set aside that thought to listen against his better judgment.

"If you truly love her, you will listen what I offer." She grinned wickedly as he sat onto his bedroll. "Your circle will rid the urge for Lyrium, yet the side effects will never truly disappear. I can give her back that of which she has lost; memories, feelings, everything."

"You know I have to ask. Will a human sacrifice be at all involved?" He watched the witch, waiting for her to respond.

"If only it were so." Morrigan eyed Alistair up and down. "I do not dabble in blood magic, you should know that."

"Well excuse me if I assumed such an art was never beneath you."

"Silly words will be said, charms and herbs will be used. YOUR only responsibility would be to bring her to me. Once it is done, if you so wish, you may take her to the Circle tower to be sure she is well and cured."

"Since you've never done anything out of the" He chuckled before speaking the next word.

"Kindness of your heart, what sort of payment is it you are asking for?"

"Payment?" She asked sounding truly disgusted. "Do you really think I have any use for gold? Or is it your soul you fret about?" She chuckled softly. "I ask for nothing in return. I am doing this because I wish it to be so." She sighed sadly with a small shake of her head.

"You're doing this because she's your friend and you care about her? While I can't fathom why she ever considered you her friend I know she did. Not the wisest judgment call on her part, I might add." Alistair flashed the witch a wide grin. Morrigan narrowed her eyes at the accusation.

"I will give you three days from the time you reach Redcliffe Castle. You have until nightfall on the third day to bring her to my hut. I believe even YOU can remember where it is in the Wilds?"

"Yes I remember."

"Tis only to be you and Elissa. No other parties are to be involved, is that understood?"

"I haven't even decided if I want YOU to help her." Doubt and pain flickered across his features. He knew that Morrigan, sneaky witch that she was, knew more about magic than the Circle after her training with Flemeth.

"You will bring her to me." Morrigan smirked. "I offer the easy and fast solution. Tis something you human's look for in any given situation." After a pause she continued,

"Remember idiot, three days from the time you reach Redcliffe Castle." Without waiting for a response, she transformed into a dog and took off into the night.

"Maker, but I hate that bitch." He growled before throwing himself back onto his bedroll. Sleep was a time in coming to him as thoughts and emotions buzzed around his head. In his dreams, he worked out a plan to get Elissa to Flemeth's hut without raising suspicion from her dedicated caretakers.

**A/N: As usual a huge thanks you to Linette23 and Eva Galana for proofing and making very necessary changes to this chapter. And to everyone for reading!**


	16. Why is everyone being so mean!

After one more day of hard riding, the uncomfortable companions were still several hours outside of Redcliffe Castle. Unable to withstand the silence any longer, Alistair asked Nathaniel to give him the details of the events that transpired six months after the Blight.

Nathaniel started by telling Alistair about his fellow Grey Wardens recruits and, of his own recruitment into the Grey Wardens. When he started to speak of the encounters with The Architect and The Mother Alistair's blood ran cold followed by a twinge of guilt. While it was obvious she survived, she had faced all of these terrors without his arm and shield. He pushed his guilt aside for now. There would be plenty of time to wallow in self-pity later.

When Nathaniel spoke of the conspiracy devised by the nobles, to kill Arlessa Cousland, he had to chuckle. The mere thought of anyone referring to Elissa as an Arlessa made him shake his head and say, "She must have loved that title."

"I don't think she had much time to dwell over such things. With the nobles constantly nagging her, the Weisshaupt Wardens, battles, the Queen constantly asking for her presence at court and….other things." An obvious pang of guilt passed over Nathaniel's face, as quickly as it had come it had disappeared. "Her mental state was slowly slipping at that point, making day to day tasks difficult for her. Somehow, she still held court at Vigil's Keep everyday and heard every single person's sob story and complaint. She did her best to make everyone happy."

"That sounds like her." Alistair smirked slowly faded when he heard Nathaniel exasperated hiss of anger.

"How the hell would you know? You haven't seen her in three years." Nathaniel said heatedly his steel Grey eyes flashing with anger. Alistair looked over his shoulder and shot his fellow Warden a glare of warning. Nate sneered at the glance and continued emphatically "It's IS the truth isn't it?"

Alistair frowned "What do you want me to do about it Howe? Turn back the hands of time so I can make the "right choice?" At the time, it was the right choice, no one short of the Maker himself will make me think otherwise." He paused to calm himself before continuing. "I've spent my whole life looking backwards Warden, I am done doing that."

"Oh well isn't that just jolly for you Commander. While you've had time you think about your choice and come to terms with it, Elissa has had nothing but duty, darkspawn voices and conspiracies running through her head." Every word from Nathaniel's lips dripped with venom and anger. "Don't assume you still know her after three years. If you can change within that time, so can she."

"If your father's mission to kill her entire family can't break her spirit, I doubt my leaving enough to finish the job." Alistair felt more than willing to play at this game, and fighting fair was not something he felt obliged to do with Howe of all people.

Nate looked as if he were about to jump from his horse and bring Alistair with him.

"You would be eating those words if you had seen her in the months after you left."

Nate smirked slightly. "Your leaving broke her, but she was far too proud to admit or show it. You didn't hear her crying as if her soul was being torn asunder when no one was listening."

"Oh good gods," Zara yelled loudly, making both men jump in surprise. "Really now, silence was better than this bullshit."

Both men granted Zara's wish and traveled the rest of the way to Redcliffe Castle in uncomfortable silence.

* * *

They arrived at Redcliffe Castle just as the sun started to fade behind the distant hills. They left their horses with several soldiers who told them their horses would be in the Village stables.

Alistair quickly walked through the castle doors and into the main hall. To his surprise Arl Eamon, Bann Teagan, Zevran and Anders were all standing in the middle of the main hall as if they had been expected him. He watched Zevran and Ander's who's eyes immediately passed over Zara who was dressed in her Dalish armor.

"Dream on boys." She muttered under her breath with an exasperated sigh.

"This is Warden Mahariel." He waved his hand in Zara's direction.

Zara leaned towards him slightly and whispered, "You remembered my last name. I'm impressed." He ignored her comment and introduced her to every one in the room.

"It is a true pleasure to meet everyone." She said to Eamon and Teagan. "I am even pleased to meet the two lechers presently leering at me." She added in a mocking tone while looking directly at Zevran and Anders. Both men raised a quizzical eyebrow at Zara accusation. Alistair snorted softly as did Nathaniel.

"Since everyone is already gathered I may as well state my reason for coming so urgently. I've been to the Circle tower and I have asked them to help Elissa with her Lyrium problem." Alistair stated with a matter of fact tone. "They are making the final arrangements now."

"Why would you do this without speaking with us first?" Zevran asked calmly. Alistair thought he could detect underneath his calm demeanor, Zevran was angry.

"She has been like this for far too long. You all may be comfortable with allowing Elissa to intake a steady stream of Lyrium, but I'm not." Alistair was not surprised when the men in front of him were suddenly visibly angry.

"You make it sound as if we've done nothing to help her." Bann Teagan stated harshly.

"Teagan, before I got here you didn't even know it was Lyrium poisoning her, despite the fact that Anders tried telling you." He turned his attention to Anders. "Why weren't you more adamant about Lyrium being the cause of her problems?" Alistair demanded his temper was starting to get the better of him. It's not as if he expected them to be thrilled about his sudden "take charge" attitude; however, he had not expected to meet with such hostile resistance. The vehemence of everyone's reaction puzzled him slightly.

"Nothing against the Bann or the Arl, but neither one of them has ever taken my word very seriously. Had the first enchanter himself been able to examine her they would have believed it to be Lyrium, but on my single word, I can understand their reluctance. Redcliffe's experience with Mages has been less than sterling in the past."

"You could have brought in a Templar." Alistair countered.

"When I told you she doesn't trust anyone from the Circle, I mean just that." Bann Teagan heaved a weary sigh. The weight of Elissa's condition was plain to see on the Bann's face.

"Alistair," Arl Eamon said carefully. "I think we all understand you still have feelings for her and it's only natural that you want to help. However everyone in this room has been caring for her nearly three years now. For you to come back and making decisions without speaking with us first is rather vexing."

Alistair took in a deep breath, calming himself before speaking. "I know everyone has been here from the beginning of her problems and I haven't. I get that I really do. But, my only concern at this point is Elissa. I think the Circle Mages will be able to cleanse her of the Lyrium in her body. I was hoping Anders and Zevran would help me with getting her there." He looked between the two, trying to determine the impact of his request.

Anders and Zevran glanced at one another frowning. "Your sudden concern for Elissa's well being is touching. Truly it is my friend, a pity it come not have come sooner." Zevran said walking across the room and past Alistair. Over his shoulder he continued, "I will give you my answer in the morning." With that, he walked through the doorway leading to the downstairs guest rooms.

_Morrigan's offer is looking more appealing with every passing moment_. Alistair thought. Any offer made by Morrigan that he found tempting was enough to scare the hell out of him. An involuntary shiver ran down his spine.

"Zev has been with Elissa longer than anyone here, so you'll have to forgive his bitterness. The thought of taking her up to the tower isn't in the least bit tempting," Anders sighed in defeat. "However you will have my answer now, I will give you the help you seek."

"Help with what?" Elissa asked as she rounded the corner with Ser-Pounce-A-Lot following closely behind her. Her eyes scanned the room realizing slowly there were two new comers. She smiled politely at both Alistair and Zara.

"It's nothing Elissa my dearest heart." Anders said as he walked across the room towards the confused woman. He placed an arm around her shoulder, leading her into the middle of the room. "You remember Alistair don't you?"

Once she was close, enough to see Alistair up close her eyes lit up with excitement. "Of course I do. It's the furry man with the funny name!" She squeaked happily. "I remembered something!" She squealed excitedly. Everyone stared at the elated woman in shock.

"I should feel insulted, but at least you've managed to remember something." Anders muttered under his breath.

"_She can't even remember her own name yet she can remember me? Maybe the beard and long hair DO have a purpose."_ Alistair thought to himself amused.

"My lady, it's a pleasure to see you again. I told you I would be back." He smiled warmly while taking a hesitant step towards her.

"I don't remember any such promise, but I'm glad you came back." She returned his warm smile, taking his hand into her own. She lightly ran her thumb across the back of his middle finger. Alistair could feel his heart racing faster with the stroke of her thumb on his skin.

Anders cleared his throat, bringing Alistair out of his dream like state. "We will discuss this at length tomorrow afternoon." Anders and Alistair nodded to one another. The Mage turned to Elissa, planting a kiss on her cheek. He paused as he stood beside Alistair. "She hasn't been sleeping lately. See if you can cure her of that old boy." He flashed the blushing Commander a grin before walking through the door leading to the guest rooms.

"Who is this standing beside you?" Elissa asked Nathaniel.

"I am Zara; it's a pleasure to finally meet you." Zara said smiling politely at Elissa.

"It's a pleasure to meet you." Elissa smiled brightly.

"I don't mean to be rude, but I am rather sleepy." Zara yawned loudly. Nathaniel chuckled softly as he turned and led Zara towards the guest rooms Alistair and Elissa followed.

Nathaniel shot Alistair a glare as he slammed his door. Alistair sighed as he followed Elissa into her room.

He shut the door behind him; an excited Elissa immediately cornered him.

"Let me cut your hair!" She demanded.

"What? Why?" Alistair laughed.

"I think short hair would suit you." Elissa stated as if it was the single most obvious thing in the world. She cocked her head to one side and narrowed her eyes for the briefest of moments. "Yes, I do think short hair would suit you far better."

"As tempting as it is to allow you to use sharp object near my face, I think I'm going to pass for now." He attempted to inch around her right side in order to escape. She with her arms crossed in front of her and a look of stubborn determination she stepped in front him. Alistair's lips turned upwards into a slight smirk.

"I'm rather good at cutting hair." She stated confidently, with a softer tone she added, "Please? The Mage won't let me cut his long hair. He tells me it's the source of his magic powers. I think he may be lying, but I have yet to prove this…..She rambled on. Alistair snapped his fingers in front of her.

"Come back to the present Eli." Alistair said.

"Oh, sorry, what was I saying? Oh, that's right your hair. Please let me cut it. I'll do a good job of it, I promise." Elissa's eyes filled with sincerity as she looked to him for an answer

Alistair shook his head and that's when he saw it. Her wardrobe was wide open, barely peaking out was a piece of bright pink fabric. Alistair walked past her and into the wardrobe, pushing back the armor that had been blocking his view. There he saw the long flowing pink dress. A plan quickly formed in Alistair's mind. He grabbed the dress, before poking his head outside of her wardrobe.

"Elissa, I'm not going to let you cut my hair." She opened her mouth to argue. He shook his head and pressed his finger to his lips before continuing. "However, I will make you a deal. I will pay someone to shave my beard and cut my hair." He smirked, as her eyes grew wide with surprise and an almost childlike joy.

"Really? Thank you!" She beamed. The warmth and delight she emanated was almost palatable.

With a deep breath, Alistair continued as if she hadn't spoken, "BUT, I want something from you in return." He watched as Elissa gulped nervously. "As the new Warden-Commander I'm being forced to parade myself in front of the nobles at a ball so they can judge me." He brought out the pink dress. "I'll cut my hair if you wear this to my welcoming ball." His smirk only grew as a horror stuck look flooded across Elissa's face.

"You can't be serious." She gaped; she looked up from the horrid pink dress to Alistair's evil smirk. "You are serious. Sod it!"

"It's unfortunate you don't have any hair to speak of. I'd also make you wear matching pink bows in your hair." Alistair added with his smirk growing into an ever-larger grin.

"Yes, it really is tragic that I have no hair." She said dully.

"Do we have a deal?" With an eyebrow raised and an air of expectancy, Alistair waited for her answer

"You are an evil, EVIL man!" She shouted, her brow furrowed as she frowned and glared at the man standing before her.

"_Ah, at least her reaction didn't disappoint_" He thought as he chuckled aloud. _"_I think it's only fair. If being fair makes me evil then yes, I am EVIL." He laughed maniacally.

"Fine, it's a steep price to pay in order to see you less furry, but I'll do it." She stuck her bottom lip out pouting. He hung the dress up where he had found it, before he cupped her face gently in his large hands. He was pleased to see a slight blush crawling into her cheeks. He dipped his face down closer to Elissa's, allowing his lips to hover over hers.

"I think pink is soooo your color." He winked. She groaned as she shoved him away, stomping off towards her bed. She stripped down to her under shirt, small cloth and slid into bed. "Oh come now my dear." He slipped out of his own armor, blew out the candle on her dresser and took his place beside her in bed. "Don't go to bed angry." He chuckled softly.

"Does your evilness know no end?" She yawned as she snuggled up to his chest. The two quickly fell asleep.

* * *

The sun was barely up when Alistair awoke the next morning, his back to Elissa. She was busy sliding her foot up and down his leg. Her warm and soft hand was under his shirt. She was running her fingertips across his bare chest in a pattern he remembered VERY well. His entire body shivered under her fingertips.

"Eli," Alistair sang playfully. "My self restraint only goes so far. Even if you are asleep, if you keep doing that I won't be held responsible for my actions." He didn't expect the soft and playful chuckle that followed. She slid up his back; her lips hovered over his ear. Her soft sweet breath moved the small hairs on his neck as the warmth crept down the length of his body.

"Perhaps I'm not making my intentions perfectly clear." Her tongue traced across his ear lobe. Alistair's body shivered with pleasure as a labored gasp escaped his lips. "Is that clear enough?" She purred before taking his ear between her teeth and playfully nibbling and sucking with her soft lips.

"Clear as day." He breathed as her fingertips traced his stomach. His need grew with every stroke of her fingertips. "Do you make a habit of doing this with every person who shares your be…?" He closed his eyes in embarrassment, his face twisted in pain before the words were out of his mouth. He tried to stop the question before it had slipped, unfortunately in the heat of the moment all connections between his brain and mouth had been temporarily lost.

She quickly disengaged and pushed herself off the bed. With a muttered excuse, she made her retreat to the bathroom. "Elissa, I didn't…" He flinched as the door slammed on his words. "Mean it like that." He rolled his eyes in frustration. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" He asked himself aloud. Alistair quickly jumped up from the bed and without knocking, opened the bathroom door. She spun around in surprise, her eyes red with angry tears.

"What are you doi….." He grabbed her by her shoulders, picked her up and sat her down on top of the washbasin.

"You know, normally I would have waited until you've calmed down." He smiled warmly at the obviously hurt woman before him. "Elissa, I am so sorry. That was a horrid joke. I didn't mean to imply you are a woman of loose morals. Can you ever forgive me?" He begged. His eyes filled with his deep longing to put right what his careless words had wrought. She returned his warm smile.

"Of course, but as punishment for saying such a thing you will bring me my morning meal here in bed." She smiled brightly. Alistair laughed as he pushed himself away from her.

"That can be arranged my dear." He tenderly kissed her forehead before he left her room.

He could smell something already cooking. By the smell, he guessed it was beef stew. As he approached the kitchen, he heard Zevran cursing softly.

"_Why is that stupid elf up so damn early?" _He thought as he carefully and silently crept towards the kitchen so not to disturb the other occupants of the castle.

Alistair stopped just outside the door and watched as Zevran ladled soup into a deep bowl.

Zevran pulled a small vial from his shirt, Alistair recognized the contents of that that vial, as no other substance in all of Thedas gave off that cool blue glow. Zevran placed a single drop of liquid Lyrium into the stew.

As he started to gather the bowl into his hands, he saw a furious Alistair glaring at him from the doorway. The bowl crashed to the stone floor, spilling the stew and the poison responsible for Elissa's decline in half a heartbeat.

"Oh wonderful." He muttered before Alistair leapt in a single fluid motion across the room. In a fit of rage, Alistair pinned Zevran against the wall. Spotting a knife on the counter top next to him, Alistair swiftly grabbed the knife, pressing it against the elf's throat. For the space of the next heartbeats, both men though the same word. "_Shit._**_"_**

* * *

**A/N: Thanks to Linette23 and Eva Galana for editing! Thanks to the few of you who have taken the time to read, review and add me to your favorite list and your alert list.**

**Just an FYI. it's going to be a while before I update. My computer is slowly crapping out on me so I get to send it back to the crappy store from which it came, which is always super fun and NEVER takes forever.**


	17. Taking charge of the sticky situation

**A/N: A huge (bigger than usual) thanks goes out to Linette23 and Eva Galana for editing and helping me re-sculpt this monster. **

**So obviously I found a computer. I set up my dinosaur of a desktop (WINDOWS 98!) It works AND it has Works. HA! HA! Sorry that was full of lameness. Windows 98 and this chapter broke my brain. I would have had this chapter up sooner, but I went back and played with the other chapters. Messed with timelines, added some new stuff, deleted and most likely severely made a mess of things. **

**This chapter also comes with a slight AU warning. Those of you who don't like the baby story line, I suggest you turn back now. While I love opinions I honestly don't care for long emails (or short ones for that matter) telling me how much they don't care for that particular storyline. If you don't like it, then there are plenty of other stories on here who don't take this route. Read them instead. It's brief, but it's there none the less. You have be AU warned. **

* * *

"I have been so unbelievably blind and idiotic." Alistair stated in tone that was cold and flat. The malice Alistair held within his eyes was enough to make a master assassin such as Zevran shiver.

"This is not what it appears to be, my friend Alistair." Zevran argued as Alistair's temper flared and he increased the amount of pressure on the blade against Zevran's neck. Alistair lessened the pressure slightly as a small cut and tiny droplets of blood appeared on Zevran's neck.

"You don't say?" Alistair said with one eyebrow raising at the question. His voice gave the impression he was deep in thought. "You mean to tell me that wasn't Lyrium you were placing in her morning stew?" He pressed on the blade again watching as the drops of blood slowly snaked down the blade's tip. "Please enlighten me then Zevran, what was it? A new kind of spice, or a flavoring to increase appetite perhaps?" He asked with a deep growl building in his chest. "Tell me Zevran, what exactly about what I saw was NOT as it appeared?"

"Very well, it was as it appeared. But I swear to you that this is not what you believe it to be." His voice wavered slightly as the looming threat of the knife at his throat. "If you would kindly take the knife away, I would gladly explain everything to you." With a small swallow, Zevran recovered some of his normal calm demeanor. "Of course my dear Warden Commander, you can always just finish the job your blade has started and never know the answers to your questions. The choice is yours."

Alistair narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the calm elf. "The knife remains right where it is, but I would love to hear your excuse. If anything it should be entertaining."

Before Zevran could explain there was a noise from behind them. "NO!" Anders yelled from the doorway. Alistair could feel the air around him change, he knew Anders was in the middle of casting a spell. Before he could cleanse the surrounding area, Alistair found himself immobilized, frozen from his neck downwards.

Anders rushed beside Zevran, who was kneeling on the ground with his hands wrapped around his neck gasping for air. The worried Mage began casting a healing spell upon Zevran's still bleeding neck wound.

Anders cast an accusing glare at a frozen Alistair before practically shouting. "At least allow the man to explain before acting so impulsively!" The loud voices apparently were heard outside the kitchen. Nathaniel Howe appeared in the doorway, pausing for a moment to survey the scene. His steel grey eyes took in Alistair's frustration, Anders concern and Zevran still slightly paled face. He moved purposely towards Zevran and offered the still gasping elf help up from the ground.

"Please gentlemen," Zevran declared, practically purring as he fixed the collar of his low cut shirt. "The Commander was allowing me to explain. He simply enjoys holding things to my throat." Zevran winked at Alistair, who was trying hard to move so to strangle the cocky elf in front of him.

"Oh, hmmmm I guess I must offer my apologies for freezing you then. I happened to be walking by when I saw you holding the knife to his throat." Anders made no move to unfreeze the Commander. "I do believe I can guess the reason for your anger, so you'll have to forgive me if I don't unfreeze you this very moment."

"Since I'm not going anywhere for the time being, I suggest you start explaining yourself elf." Alistair growled, still straining to find a weakness in the spell.

"Think about it for a moment Alistair, I know this might be a strain but do try." Zevran clicked his tongue against his teeth. "Would you really allow Elissa to give herself Lyrium? Given our limited opinions it is up to the three of us to keep her withdrawals to a minimum"

Far too angry to speak Alistair remained silent.

"If she were left to her own devices, who knows what would happen." Zevran offered and shrugged his shoulders.

"You happen to catch Zevran on his day to feed Elissa." Anders added. "I can understand your reaction. I believe I would have acted the same had I witnessed an assassin dropping Lyrium into someone's bowl."

"It's a single drop every morning, no more and no less. It's proven to be enough to keep her functioning throughout the day." Said Nathaniel his eyes focused on Alistair's almost daring him to question the logic and the need.

"Let me see if I understand you properly. Each of you take turns giving Elissa her daily single drop of Lyrium in her morning breakfast?" The three men nodded slowly. Alistair's lips thinned as he pressed them tightly together, his eyes still filled with rage. "So, instead of helping her recover and break her of the Lyrium dependency, you IDIOTS decided to further and intensify her reliance in order to get her through the day?" Alistair yelled furiously.

"Keep your voice down Commander." Anders hissed through his teeth.

"Don't come in here and judge us Commander." Nathaniel spat equally furious. "We've been doing the best we can with what we have! It's not as if you've been here helping us!" Nathaniel roared. He pivoted towards Alistair's frozen form with a hand on his dagger and murderous rage in his eyes.

Alistair calmly looked over at the Mage. "Anders, would you kindly unfreeze me." Something about his tone told Anders it would be safe to do as he asked. Once he was able to move, Alistair tossed the knife aside. His attention was drawn to Zevran. "I am sorry Zevran" As he paused, Alistair took a deep breath. "I should not have jumped to conclusions."

"No need for apologies Alistair. I believe your actions were warranted given our colorful history." Zevran cocked his head slightly to one side."After all when we first met I was trying to kill you both" A bright white smile graced the elf's fine features.

Alistair turned to a seething Nathaniel. With a tone as cold the Frostback Mountains in a Ferelden winter; "You will keep your voice down Warden. As of this moment you will no longer be throwing my absence in my face."

With each statement Alistair's voice carried a new layer of frost. "I am well aware of where I've been these past three years; there is absolutely no reason to continually remind me. If I hear you mention anything related to my absence again, I would be more happy give ample time to soothe your head in the dungeon."

Nathaniel eyes widened at his Commander's harsh tone.

Slowly keeping his eyes locked on Alistair he nodded and murmured bitterly. "Of course Commander, it won't happen again."

"Now could one of you answer my question? Please tell me why three strong men, each of you professing to care for her, each with the ability to overpower one woman, would choose to continue poisoning her body instead of taking her up to the tower for treatment?"

He asked, genuinely confused by the actions of the three men standing before him. "It's not as if it's a long journey and seeing as there are three of you and only one of Elissa it should have been a simple task in getting her to the tower."

Alistair watched their actions carefully, he watched as the three of them shifted uncomfortable where they stood, and shooting each other nervous glances. "Commander we did the best we could with the limited resources we had." Anders said in a pathetic attempt to defend their actions. This earned him a slap upside the head from Nathaniel.

"Would you care to try a different reason?" Alistair offered.

"Would you like the complete truth Alistair." Zevran offered bluntly.

"No, Zevran. You know me. I just love a **complete** lie. It's one of my favorite things. Right next to Loghain becoming a Warden and a Blight." Alistair snarked.

"Really? Well that is different." Zevran smirked.

With clipped tones Alistair replied: "My patience is spread thin this morning Zevran."

"We have relied on her for everything from strategies, comfort, leadership and even who Ferelden should place on the throne." He paused for only a moment to take a breath, however it was long enough for Alistair to take interrupt the explanation.

"Now she has to rely on the three of you for a change, to do what is right for her." Alistair accused. Zevran shrugged as Nathaniel and Anders shifted uncomfortably where they stood. Alistair gulped down his rage.

"When you word it as such, it sounds so despicable." Zevran said.

"It IS despicable! It is disgusting and beyond selfish. You all make me sick!" Alistair screamed not caring who overheard or awoke. "Do the three of you really want Elissa relying on you for a DRUG?"

No one made a move to answer. Zevran joined Anders and Nathaniel in a shame filled glance to the floor. Alistair's entire body shook with an anger he had never experienced. He took a deep breath before continuing. "It ends now. No more Lyrium in her food."

Alistair knew he could have killed Zevran and send his Wardens off to the Anderfels dungeons. Instead of acting impulsively as he had in the past, he decided to give Elissa's method a try. She appeared to have more friends than enemies with her forgiveness. "She who wields the broken sword" truly did personify Elissa.

"But if we stop she'll..." Ander's words trailed as Alistair shot the Mage a furious glare. In a matter of seconds he had gone from adamantly rejecting Morrigan's offer, to accepting the offer without another thought.

"I will be taking Elissa with me on a trip. Don't ask me where I'm taking her because I won't tell you. And don't bother asking how long we'll be gone, because I do not have the slightest clue."

He turned to Nathaniel first. "Your first job will be to go into the village and retrieve my horse. Your second job is to keep a watchful eye out for any word from the Circle while I am away. I should be back before they are ready to receive her. In case they do send word while I am away, it's your job to write and tell them I was delayed and the four of us will bring her as soon as we possibly can."

Nathaniel stated. "Of course Commander, it shall be done."

Alistair turned to Anders. "Your job is the most difficult of them all." Alistair said grinning from ear to ear. "Elissa and I made a deal. It's likely she won't remember so it's your job to get her in that little pink dress in her wardrobe the day of my welcoming ball. If you are forced to freeze her then so be it."

Ander's eyes grew wide with terror and shock. "Umm...Yes Commander, I'll do what I can."

"Zevran, you are going on a little mission for me, actually it's more for Elissa than me. I am fairly certain the Weisshaupt Wardens ordered her poisoning. I want to know what they found and why they agreed to do such a thing. I will give you two months and search as if your life depended on the results you find." Alistair said. "Do I make myself clear?"

"You are hardly my Commander Alistair." Zevran said coolly.

"No I'm not, but you owe Elissa for all she has done for you. All of you do and this is your start to repaying her for every single day you didn't take her up to the Circle for treatment, and every day you made her rely on YOU for relief from that voice."

"Understood Alistair, consider it mission accepted." Zevran saluted.

Anders leaned over to Zevran and whispered in the elf's ears. "I thought you said he was a door mat?"

Zevran suppressed a chuckle. "He used to be. This man isn't the Alistair I knew." He whispered back. Alistair glared at them both.

"Is there anything else I need to know?" He looked from Anders to Nathaniel, who shook their heads. "Then why are you both still here? Go!" He ordered. The two men walked out of the kitchen, leaving Alistair and Zevran alone.

"Alistair, you do know we didn't do this." He pointed to the bowl and stew on the floor. "To be hurtful or act maliciously in any way. She is truly distrustful of the Circle. That is why we never took her to be treated. This is what we could do for her, to honor her choices."

Alistair sighed and nodded smiling sadly. As much as he disagreed with their method, he could understand why they did what they had. "I know none of you would harm her in any way. I must say I was scared bringing her up to the Tower myself. I remember what she's like when she's angry which is why I came asking you all for help. So yes, I can understand why you would turn to this method. It doesn't make it the correct course of action, but I do understand why."

"Alistair, I have something you need to see." He said walking past Alistair and out of the kitchen. Alistair took this as his cue to follow Zevran. He found himself being lead to Zevran's room. Alistair waited within the door, while Zevran searched though his sack, he pulled out an envelope and handed it to Alistair. "This is another situation you are going to want to kill me over."

Alistair recognized the hand writing as Elissa's. "If this is an explanation letter I've already read one."

Zevran heaved a loud and long sigh. "This one isn't like the other letters she wrote. This one she actually gave me to deliver to you." He explained as Alistair opened the envelope. There were more pages to this letter.

He skimmed the first five pages, it was word for word what had been in the note he found. He skipped ahead to the sixth page and began reading Elissa's words.

_I should tell you the reason I went looking for you in Orlais. I said before I was afraid of rejection, which is completely true, I was and I still am. I have no idea how you are going to react to the news I have for you. First of all, I wanted to sit you down, explain everything to you and tell you how sorry I was._

_I was also scared of how you would react to seeing me as I am now. Alistair, I am with child and since you are the only man I have ever been with you would be the father. When I was in Orlais I was five months along and barely showing any signs. Which is why I kept my distance. I did not want you believing I was making up some excuse to win you back. I hear women speaking of using such excuses order to keep their husbands or lovers. I didn't want you thinking I was one of those women._

_I am sorry I did not tell you then and there, but watching you walk into a brothel was hardly the appropriate time to break such news to you. I haven't been able to leave Ferelden much less the royal palace since we defeated the Mother. We can't risk allowing the Weisshaupt Warden's to find out about this baby. You yourself told me how difficult for a Warden to conceive a child, much less two being able to create one together. They would want to conduct experiments and keep me for the rest of my days. It's not something I am ready to do. It is not a risk that I would ever put our child in, the thought of them near our miracle child sends fear to the very core of my soul._

_I should tell you that I think I am slowly losing my mind. It's been slightly better since I've been pregnant, but I forget things all the time. I forget my own name, I forget my friend's names and important events. That being said, I have decided I am not fit to raise this child. I asked my brother and his new wife if they would be willing to adopt the baby. I was refused almost immediately. To my surprise I was approached by The Queen who was more than willing to adopt him._

_I know I know and yes I was confused too. It isn't as if the baby would ever be heir to the throne, since it's your child and you gave up all rights. Anora actually did not appear to be overly concerned with who the baby's real father is. She had things already thought out, but she told me nothing. I could have pressed for an answer, but I did not. Whatever she tells her advisors, I'm sure it will be a well-sculpted lie. She has always been wonderful at making lies sound like truths. _

_I'm so sorry Alistair, but really didn't know what to do. It wasn't as if I could go out looking for someone to adopt the Hero of Ferelden's baby. It would get back to the Weisshaupt Wardens and I will NOT let my child grow up with the taint as well as those power hungry men! I agreed to Anora adopting our baby. The baby will be well cared for and she assured me that she that she would treat the baby as her own. However; I will have Zevran keep a watchful eye on her just to be sure she is true to her word._

_I am six months along now and how you would laugh at my mood swings. Alistair I wish I had been brave and told you. I wish you were here so desperately. In my heart I would hope that you would welcome our child with me, that we could be a family true and complete, but like all other dreams it fades. It's my fault you aren't here and that is something I will regret until my dying day. I can only hope Zevran finds you before I give birth and gives you this letter. I will try to find you again once I have given birth, I swear it!_

_Know I will always love you with all of my heart._

_Yours always,_

_Elissa_

Alistair looked up from the letter at Zevran who was sitting on his bed bluffing out his nails. "Why didn't you give this to me?" He asked his voice wavering with pain.

"Alistair, when I finally found you in Orlais, I spent weeks watching your every move. You were more of a mess than Elissa had been. I had no idea what was in the envelope, but I had a good idea. You already loathed her for her Landsmeet decision; you hardly needed a new reason."

"I deserved to know what was in this letter. Receiving it three years later is hardl..." He allowed his words to trail as his mind flashed back to the small boy he saw in Anora's throne room. "Oh maker, the boy I saw playing in the throne room when I first met with Anora. That little boy was MY little boy wasn't it?" Alistair asked nearly in tears.

"Was it a boy with blond hair, hazel eyes and constantly smiling?" Alistair nodded absently. "That would indeed be Bryce."

"Bryce? My son's name is Bryce?" Alistair was hardly able to stop himself from beaming. "Elissa named him after her father?"

"Indeed she did my friend. No one but Elissa, Anora and those closest to them knew the meaning behind the name."

"I..I need to go. We'll talk about this another time." He walked out of the room dazed and smiling. Maker, I have a son named Bryce!

He stopped by the kitchen and grabbed several cookies before returning to Elissa, who was fully dressed and sitting on the edge of her bed staring at the wall.

She looked up as he entered raising a brow as she saw the five cookies in his hand. "Maker! It took you that long just to bring back some cookies?" She asked.

"Sorry, I was detained with some important Warden business." He said as he handed her all five cookies in his hands. She devoured them within seconds. "Elissa, would you like to take a trip with me?"

"A trip? Where would we be going?" Her eyes lit up as she nearly bounced off the bed.

"The Korcari Wilds. There is someone there who would very much like to see you."

"Are you serious? I would love to! Do I need to pack anything?" She happily bounced past him and into her wardrobe. Her enthusiasm made traveling easier. He grabbed his own pack.

"No. We won't be gone long." He could only hope that was true. She bounced past him urging him to follow. He figured Nathaniel would be ready with his horse by now. He followed her out of the guest wing, through the main hall and out into the court yard. Nate was in the process of placing a large saddle on his horse.

He grabbed Elissa by the waist lifting her up and placing her near the front of the saddle. Alistair slid behind her. She waved goodbye to Nathaniel, who smiled and wished her a pleasant journey.

"I will be back soon, Warden. Tell Zara she can either wait for me here or at the...well you know." He saluted, Nate returned the gesture. He grabbed the reins and kicked the sides of his horse. Elissa giggled with glee as the two rode off towards the Wilds.

* * *

In order to avoid camping Alistair rode day and night cutting the two day ride in half. Elissa had no problems falling asleep on a horse, which by no means surprised Alistair. She stayed asleep until they reached the small hut the next afternoon. Alistair banged on the hut door, while a groggy Elissa stood behind him. The door slowly opened, Morrigan stood across from him, with her arms crossed in front of her chest and brow raised.

"My, my, I did not expect a visit so soon Alistair." Her eyes flew to Elissa, who yawned loudly. Alistair was almost positive he saw Morrigan jerk her body backwards in surprise at Elissa's appearance. "She certainly has changed a great deal."

"Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you!" Elissa exclaimed brightly through a yawn.

"She is as polite as ever I see." Morrigan said as she moved aside to allow Elissa entrance into her hut.

"I am not waiting outside Morrigan." Alistair stopped the door from slamming in his face by slipping his foot in between the frame at the bottom of the door. "I stay with her at all times; this is how it WILL be."

Morrigan rolled her yellow eyes and sighed. She opened the door and moved aside as Alistair strolled into her hut.

"You will remain in the corner, where you will not utter a word. Nor will you make any sudden movements. I can ill afford no distractions from fools." She ordered Alistair in a firm crisp tone. Elissa started to opened her mouth to ask why Morrigan was being so mean to Alistair. "Sleep." She whispered softly as a zephyr wind. Elissa's eyes grew heavy, and she was unable to support her own weight she fell backwards onto the bed behind her. "Now it begins." She said, as candles spontaneously lit the darkened hut, runes flew into place around Elissa's head and feet.

Alistair was afraid for Elissa's well being, but there was nothing he could do for now. A shaft of daylight filtered in where he stood. Since there was light and there was no immediate course of action he pulled out Elissa's journal and began reading. He hoped it would do something to take his mind off the nagging concern he felt for the scene before him. For better or worse his choice had been made. Time would tell if this was the right thing by her, for her. He wanted to give her back herself then…. he thought, then they would see. 


	18. In her own words: The Journey Part 3

**A/N: A massive, MASSIVE thank you goes out to both Linette23 and Eva Galana who received the huge version of this chapter. They both painstakingly corrected everything. You two are completely awesome! This story wouldn't be as good if both of you weren't here helping me.**

**This chapter was MUCH, MUCH longer. I tried to squeeze as many events as I could into one journal entry. Since I was even having a hard time getting through this chapter in order to polish everything, I decided it needed to be broken up into three different chapters. Four at the most. We are almost done with the journal entries! YAYNESS!**

**Kids calling deamons. Searching for Ashes.  
**

_It's been an exceedingly exhausting five days. The Arl's son, Connor, was possessed by a desire demon, which is how those walking dead things came to be. Connor's intentions were honorable, he was attempting to use magic as a way to help his father. We spoke with an imprisoned Blood Mage before entering the castle itself; he told us everything. The results were disastrous for everyone but the desire demon.  
_

_We needed to save Connor in a hurry. Before that could happen we needed to send someone into the fade in order to fight the demon head on. Only one of us could go and need had to be a Mage. The blood Mage Jowan suggested we use a blood magic ritual, which would require a human sacrifice. Without hesitation, the Arlessa volunteered to be that sacrifice. As much as I don't like the Arlessa, I am not about to put her in that kind of danger and leave Connor without a mother. _

**_"I don't know why, but I assumed you would take the easy route. Doing the Blood magic ritual would have saved time and a trip. I'm glad you didn't. It proved to me once and for all how much you really cared for people."_ Alistair thought with a smile playing at the corner of his lips. **

_Alistair was quick to suggest the circle. Seeing as how the Mages there owe us several favors and have plenty of Lyrium on hand, I decided we could risk the two-day journey. The Arlessa had concerns about leaving Connor alone any longer than necessary. I was confident in Teagan and Ser Perth's ability to contain a possessed child. Well I'm at** least** confident in Ser Perth's ability to contain Connor. Teagan would just fall under Connor's control, and dance a jolly little jig again (which was hilarious.)  
_

_ The Circle agreed to help cure Connor. I sent a very unwilling Morrigan into the Fade. Given her natural ability to see through any demon of bullshit, she was the obvious choice. The desire demon is now dead; the Arlessa is alive, as is Connor. __At least I can look at Alistair and know that what we accomplished saved people he cared about. Well maybe not Isolde but Connor for sure. No child should grow up without a mother as Alistair had to, even if that mother is Isolde._

_Now we're off to search for Andreste's very elusive ashes. Arlessa Isolde told us of a scholar in Denerim who has made it his life's work to find the ashes. The Arlessa believes he is so close to finding them. It's worth a try._

_

* * *

_

_Something I forgot to mention is the red rose Alistair gave me before we entered the castle. It is so beautiful; I could scarce believe he picked such a beautiful thing in Lothering of all places! I was hoping he likes me as much as I do him.  
_

_I made a decision tonight to tell him of my feelings. Before I could do so, he told me of his. I can hardly believe it. HE LOVES ME! He actually said he loves me! I am so excited I can barely write. I'm forcing myself to, so I may remember this moment always. The others are becoming suspicious since I have not stopped smiling all night.  
_

_I started to do that blabbing thing I always do when I'm nervous and not sure how to act. I can never seem to stop myself. He kissed me before I could really go on about nothing. His lips are so unbelievably soft and tender. His hands pulled me close_ _with infinite tenderness. One hand on the back of my head, with is fingers in my hair to kiss me deeply. One hand at the small of my back, without that hand I am not sure my legs would have held me up.  
_

_My heart did a flip in my chest, and I felt these little bumps form on my arm. As he kissed me I suddenly I went from being cold to tremendously warm. Maker's breath, tonight I can sleep knowing I am the luckiest woman in all of Ferelden to have procured the love of such a wonderful man. _

**Alistair felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, goose bumps forming on his arm, and a massive blushing fit crept into his cheeks. Actually reading how she truly felt about him was a better feeling than he could have even imagined. _"Normally I think your babbling is adorable, but kissing you was the only way I that could think of to stop you. I'm glad I did, because your heart wasn't the only one doing flips." _He found himself grinning. _  
_**

_Later on, when I decided to take my nightly bath, I cried for what felt like hours. I cried because, I have a man I care for deeply for the first time in my life and I can't even tell my own parents. It hit me that I can no longer tell my parents anything, nor can I ask them for advice as I used to daily. _

_ I cried because I allowed myself the moment to realize I don't have parents or a home. Arl Howe's actions took them all away from me in a single night. I kept thinking to myself that "real leaders don't cry." But if a leader can't get over her own demons, how can she help her new family conquer theirs? _

_So I cried until my throat hurt, and my eyes felt as if they would melt from my head. The act of crying did make me feel better.__ I felt drained of the overflowing grief I had held bottled up for so long. While some of the pain eased I thought maybe its time I share MY story with someone. In the sharing perhaps some healing could begin. I wonder if Alistair would sit through it and listen._

**Alistair remembered that night as if it were yesterday. One doesn****'t forget the first time they see their fearless leader cry. **

**He had been on his way to wash up, he was sure he was grinning from ear to ear, when he accidentally (at least this is the story he was sticking too) came across her taking her own bath. **

**He fumbled with his clothes and started to back away. Something about how she simply stood in the middle of the lake, looking down at the water, unmoving, except her for her trembling shoulders, made him stay and watch.  
**

**He realized soon enough she was crying. When she began sobbing, and bringing her hand up to wipe her eyes and nose. He wanted to run into the water and hold her****, give her comfort, shield her from the world. He remembered being unsure, figuring that would be an awkward situation for them both.**

**At first Alistair thought she was crying because he had been so bold in his confession. That was when he turned back to the campsite and marched up to Wynne. He begged Wynne to give him some kind of backround information on Elissa. Wynne told him about Elissa's family being massacred by Arl Howe. ****Her family's land and titles stripped from the noble house of Cousland.**

**The next night Elissa came to him and told him everything. A corner of his heart rejoiced that she was sharing with him. She had never shared information about herself with anyone except Wynne.**

**She went into every horrific, gory detail of her family and friends being murdered before her very eyes. She told him of the soldiers she had killed without a second thought, the depravity she saw in evidence on her sister-in-laws body. As she struggled to speak of that night, he remembered how he could almost feel the heart rending pain she had lived through. By the time she was finished he was speechless, he grabbed her and pulled her into the warmth of his arms. He stroked her hair and thought for the first time their fearless leader may not be fearless.**

* * *

_Flemeth could take the form of a High Dragon. I really should not be surprised, yet here I am, surprised. I was sure we were going to die. Once I was sure she was dead, I ran inside the hut, grabbed her real Grimoire and bolted back to camp. Holy Andraste's knickers! I'm still tired from that fight, but Morrigan appears to be happy, thus that makes me happy. _

_I decided since he took a chance and told me of his feelings. I should do the same. I pulled Alistair aside and told him everything I could about my family, Highever, and of Arl Howe's treachery. He did not appear to be surprised at some of what I told him. Which leads me to believe a certain little grandma like Mage has been giving him information about me here and there. I'm not angry about it. I'm actually quite flattered he would go to such lengths to learn about me. Although; he could have just asked me.  
_

**_"Here I thought I had finally put something past you. Damn these smart women!" _**

_When I was done he hugged me and ran his hand through my hair. He didn't say a word, he just held me in his warm arms, pressed up against his broad chest. For the first time I felt like me, that it was safe to be Elissa. Have I mentioned that I am the luckiest woman in all of Ferelden, well in all of Thedas really. It was one of the nicest things anyone has done for me in a long time._

_**"I'm doing it again once you are well again. Though I may not let go this time." **_

* * *

_I nearly forgot to mention our little meeting with Levi Dryden. I remember hearing about his family from Father. Their family name has been dragged through the mud for two centuries (unjustly since King Arland was a tyrant) all because of then Warden-Commander Sophia Dryden's failed rebellion against King Arland. Levi wants nothing more than to prove that his great, great-great- grandmother was a hero and not a traitor. I agreed to help him._

_Since Soldiers Peak is only few hours away from Denerim, there was no better time to see what we could find out.. The moment our little group walked through the portcullis, I could feel the veil and it was thin. Since I'm not even a Mage and I could feel the veil, which should give some kind of clue as to how thin the veil, actually was. CREEPY!_

_A fade demon possessed the Warden-Commander. I should have put it out of its misery right then and there, but something told me I needed to listen to her. If I agreed to kill a Blood Mage, she would close the veil. I made her close the Veil before we marched off to kill the Mage. _

_Oh Avernus, what to say about that pathetic old Blood Mage. He was performing his Blood Magic on his fellow Wardens, in order to seek out what other powers the taint held. He justified this behavior by assuring me he was so close to a break through. _

_Against my better judgment I let him live, but I absolutely forbade him to use anymore blood magic in his __research. I believe he would have killed me right then and there had Alistair, Morrigan and Leliana not been there with me. To be honest having Alistair there with me truly meant the most, feeling his strength behind me at times makes all the difference in the world._

**With almost a bewildered look on his face and a tiny shake of his head Alistair said: _"Wow, Really, Wow!"_ Knowing that his presence made a difference to her touched him deep in his soul. "_I promise, I will make a difference for you again"_**

_Dealing with the angry spirit who was formally Sophia Dryden was a pain, but hardly difficult. Now the Wardens have a keep and place of operation within Ferelden. We just need more than two of us Warden's in all of Ferelden. _

**Alistair had voiced his opinion of Avernus to her. Elissa merely laughed, and pointed out his Templar was showing. **

* * *

_We were attacked today, by a group of bandits who were hired by Leliana's former mentor and Master Bard, Marjolaine. Leliana told me if she were anywhere in Ferelden it would be Denerim. I promised Leliana she would have her vengeance. I hate that word, but sometimes people need to seek it in order to make themselves feel better. At the very least perhaps when we find Marjolaine Leliana will get some answers, perhaps then she will be more at peace._

_I took Leliana, Alistair and Wynne with me into Denerim. We found and dealt Marjolaine first. It eventually turned into an all out brawl like I figured it would, because nothing is simple. With Marjolaine dead, Leliana appears to be slightly sad, but somewhat at ease. Maybe now she will no longer be forced to sleep with one eye open, and constantly looking over her shoulder. _

_Before we met with Alistair's sister, I gave Leliana and Wynne each ten gold pieces and sent them into the market district to collect supplies. I quickly returned to Alistair who was sweating profusely and babbling. I can't say I blame him for being nervous. _

_I believe I would be as well, if I were about to meet with a relative I never even knew existed or knew of me. All he has ever wanted was a family, someone to love him. He is a rare person for being through the childhood he had and still be so giving, loving, warm, sensitive, Hmmmm, now I am babbling. Moving on…_.

_His sister is a harpy, Plain and simple! She blamed Alistair for killing their mother (As if he had any control of that during his birth), and then she had the audacity to guilt Alistair into giving her money. She was sure he was in with some royal and rich crowd and could afford to care for her and her children.__ When he asked for gold to give to Goldanna, I almost gave in, just for a moment, the pleading look in his eyes were so hard to resist. I finally told him NO and that there was nothing for him here and left._

_As I turned on my heel and spun out the door, I sent a plea to the Maker that he would follow and not stay with that gold hungry wench. Her insults to me were petty and small, but even with the blame she heaped upon Alistair I could see he still so wanted to help her, have that family. Finally I looked and he had followed me back out to the market square. Thank the Maker I didn't have to go back in to slap her and get him away from her. I would never leave a friend let alone someone who means as much to me as Alistair in the clutches of such a harridan as Goldanna._

_Even with the relief I felt that he had left her home, I was so angry; I told him people are only out for themselves. Which is a horrible sentiment and while it is not "ALWAYS" true in this case it was, Goldanna is only out for herself. I regret saying it being it was said out of anger, but my words appear to have awakened something within Alistair. If this means he'll stand up for himself once in a while, maybe it's good I said what I did._

_**"It DID awaken something within me. Something I had no idea was there. It gave me the strength to stand up to you at the Landsmeet. Those words made me realize I needed to start making my own my own decisions, and allow myself to be who I was meant to be." **_

_We all met in front of brother Genitivi's home. He wasn't there, but someone claiming to be his assistant was. Something was off about this man. He appeared nervous and carefully avoided answering our questions of Genitivi's research. He attacked us when we attempted to look around. Strange, I wonder why he attacked us__, __how stupid was that I have to ask myself._

_Before he attacked us he mentioned something about Genitivi being in Lake Calenhad. Since we have no other clues to go on, we are heading back to the docks. Maybe there is someone who knows something there. Somehow I have the feeling we're chasing a ghost._

_

* * *

_

_Alistair approached me once we arrived back at camp. He was nervous and said something about his head exploding whenever he's around me. Alistair is unbelievably adorable when he's nervous. He babbles almost as badly as I do,  
although I doubt anyone could do that. I know I babble when he is near me more often than not, something to do with my mouth wanting to keep up with my pounding heart in his presence._

**Alistair loved the fact that he was the cause of her pounding heart and even her babbling.**

_He finally said he wanted to spend the night together. He said he knew things were moving rather quickly, but we are both sure of the way we feel. I know I love him with all my heart and he would never do anything to hurt me. As I looked up into his hazel eyes I agreed without any hesitation. Well there was some hesitation; I've never spent the night with a man before so I was rather nervous. _

_Neither one of us had any idea what to do, so we started off kissing. So many kisses, they started out as the usual tender kisses. Then they started to change into something different. They were desperate, needy kisses. _

_I was surprised how naturally the rest came. Since I was still a virgin, it did hurt quite a bit, but Alistair was very gentle and made sure I was all right and the pain had subsided before doing anything more. After a time the pain quickly turned into pleasure. It was wonderful and it felt right. I don't think I climaxed like he did, but it was still very enjoyable.__ Even thinking about it now leaves a warmth in my core that is hard to describe._

**"Maker's ass, are all women this descriptive in their writings?" He thought as more heat crept into Alistair's cheeks. Which made him thankful Morrgain was still far too busy hovering over Elissa to notice him. Surely she would have made fun of his current state of embarrassment. He had been so afraid she hadn't enjoyed herself the first time. It was a fear he quickly over came since they spent every night after that together in a single tent.  
**

_I waited until he fell asleep to write anything. I hope my quill scribbling isn't keeping him from sleeping. He really is adorable when he's sleeping. He mumbles and grins, which gives me some clue as to what he might be dreaming about. Occasionally he has this tiny strand of hair that covers his right eye. When I brush it aside he smirks and groans. Anyhow I think I need to sleep. The spot beside him looks very inviting. _

**Even more blushing ensued. _"Makers blood woman, you are going to be the death of me. I can see it now man dies reading woman's journal. Death by embarrassment even."_ Not that he really minded, after all the thought of her nestled in his arms warmed more than his cheeks._  
_**

* * *

_It's been at least two weeks since I've written anything. There is a good reason for that. Brother Genitivi wasn't at the docks, but the owner of the Spoiled princess gave us some information about a small town no too far from Redcliffe. _

_These strange cultists attacked us on our way out of the docks. They were easy enough to dispose of, but it was very strange. Someone really does not want us finding Brother Genitivi.  


* * *

_

_In our search for the town, Haven, we found another village Honnleath, which was overtaken by darkspawn. We had heard about this village from a merchant trying to give us a large rod. Beware of merchants giving away product, there is always a catch._

_After clearing out darkspawn and getting rid of a daemon that was threatening a little girl. What is it with these daemons picking on children? After all that hard work the villagers were grateful. They gave us the activation phrase for the control rod so now we have yet another new member to our group. The golem told us to call it Shale. I think we amuse Shale, which is why it's following us. Just as well. We need all of the help we can get._

_Once we found Haven, it wasn't hard to figure out we weren't wanted, on the plus side we found brother Genitivi. After we patched him up, he led us to the place where he believed the Ashes could be found. Cultists were everywhere, which told us we were on the right path. _

_Let it be known that I really do hate crazy cultists. There is no reasoning with them and they left me very little choice but to fight back. _

**_"That makes two of us!"_**

_After we made it past the cultists we finally found a sanctuary and the Guardian. He asked some hard questions of each of us. Each question and response taught me a little more about my companions. He then sent us into the Gauntlet, somehow that description did nothing to make me feel good. There were riddles to solve in the first room. Good thing I had tutors that loved history, as well as word puzzles. After making it past that room I was in for the shock of my life._

_I saw father! I wanted so badly to believe it was really father, but in my heart of hearts I knew it wasn't. He told me he was proud of everything I've done thus far. He also said it's time that I let go of the past and stop blaming myself for everything that had happened in Highever. _

_By Andraste it so good to see him even if it was a lie. I would have broken down crying right there. Thank goodness Alistair grabbed my hand went he did and assured me everything was all right. _

**Alistair sighed quietly and closed his eyes. She had been so close to crying and he could see that. Grabbing her hand was all he could think to do; aside from pulling her into him and giving her a hug. He really was not into public displays of affection. Hand holding is where he drew the line. He slowly opened his eyes and began reading once again. **

_Finding the Ashes was humbling to say the least. I felt horrible for taking what I did, however if there was any way they can help Eamon I knew I had to do it. We took only what was allowed and needed before making haste back to Redcliffe and Eamon._

* * *

_The ashes worked! Arl Eamon is well again. Eamon is mad as all hell at Loghain for the treachery his has displayed and the cost to Ferelden.  
_

_He told us once we have our army of allies, he would call a Landsmeet and make Loghain answer for what he has done. He also wants to make Alistair King. When he said that, I saw Alistair go almost deathly pale. Personally I believe Alistair would make a wonderful King, however I won't force him to do anything he does not wish to._

_**"I was so sure you would agree with the Arl and make me King. I was actually rather surprised when you said nothing." **_

_We left Redcliffe castle several days ago and we are off in search of a Dalish camp. Our treaties call for the Dalish to support the Grey Wardens, the trick will be finding them to call them to honor their obligation. I've heard people talk of a camp set up just inside of the Brecilian Forest. Since I have no other leads, I figured we would check it out._

_Before we left camp I took some time to speak with everyone. I sent most of my night with Wynne, since she's been kept alive by a fade spirit. I have been concerned about her and how she is holding up. I asked her if she had any regrets, yes I know DUMB question. Everyone has regrets, I only wanted to find a way that I might remove some of them from her heart. She told me of her talented Elven apprentice, Aneirin. She said that was dreadfully hard on him, which is why she blames herself for his running away from the Circle. Before Aneirin left he told Wynne of his wish to find the Dalish._

_When the Templar's returned from hunting for Aneirin, they told her nothing despite the fact he was her apprentice. I don't think the Templar's caught up with him, I think he found the Dalish. More to the point I pray he really did find them for Wynne's sake. Since we're heading that way, it would not hurt to ask after an Elf named Aneirin._

**Alistair thought about his training as a Templar. He knew that failure was not something they would admit and was amazed at her perceptiveness **


	19. In her own words:The journey Part 4

A/N: Sorry all, it's another LONG journal entry. Only one more after this (Alistair has time to kill while Morrigan is working her mojo.) YAY ONLY ONE MORE! A huge thanks to my ever awesome editor Linette23 who not only fixes my mistakes, but who makes this just a better story all around. Also to those of you who have reviewed, and added me to one list or another or both. You all are awesome.

I've been thinking of sequels lately. If I want to write one to this story or not (Different main characters of course, and a lack of Elissa journals would be super duper.) Not sure which Characters I want to use. Any ideas you all may have, or would like to see feel free to drop me a line.

* * *

**Elves and Werewolves. Rescuing the Queen. The final Battle**

_The rumors about a Dalish camp being outside of the Brecilian Forest were absolutely true. The clan was in a bit of a pinch. Many of the elves had been infected by...Werewolves. (yes Werewolves) I shouldn't be surprised given all of the other strange things we've encountered on this journey of ours. But Werewolves? Really? _

_The Keeper, Zathrian, told us he would be able to help cure his people once he had the heart of the Werewolf leader, Witherfang. _

_I saw how much pain the elves were in which is why I offered to help his clan. I was a bit surprised at how quickly Zathrian accepted my offer. The Dalish has never been known for accepting outside help, especially from humans. I was suspicious, as it turns out; I had a good reason to be. _

_The Werewolves themselves brought us to Witherfang. She explained their side of the story to us. Zathrain himself cursed a group of humans who raped his daughter and killed his son. Which is horrible and tragic. Witherfang told us the current Werewolves are not the humans who committed these horrible acts, and does not understand why they must suffer for a crime they had no part in committing. _

_We agreed to bring Zathrian to the Werewolves so they could discuss this situation and work it out amongst themselves. Yeah, that worked out about as well as I thought it would. _

**Alistair mused to himself, that when she set her mind to something it was amazing what she could make happen.**

_Zathrain and Witherfang are both dead. Both the elves and the Werewolves have been cured; the Dalish elves have a new keeper and have agreed to help us in our fight against the darkspawn. The time for the final battle is almost here. It's rather scary, if I say so myself. First thing is first; a Landsmeet must be called. _

_We also found Aneirin! He did find his way to the Dalish. He assures Wynne his leaving had nothing to do with her, he never did feel comfortable within the Circle. Having been to the circle, I completely understand his thought process. Wynne seems to be at peace with herself. She smiles more and teases Alistair constantly. It lifts my own spirits to see her so at ease. _

_After a brief stop at Redcliffe we all head up to Denerim. The Arl has an estate here and I must say it is far more comfortable than camping out in the middle of nowhere and warmer too! Not mention it is nice to have a feather mattress for Alistair and I to sleep on. Well, as long as I have his arms around me, truth be told, anyplace is wonderful._

_**"I know what you mean" **_

* * *

_We had ourselves a lovely little meeting with Loghain, his right hand woman Ser Cauthrien and the ever-wonderful Howe. I somehow managed to keep my temper under control and simply introduced myself as Warden Cousland. The look of pure shock on Howe's face was priceless. I could hardly help myself from smiling. He looked as if he had seen a ghost. I can't imagine why he would think such a thing? _

"_**Don't think I didn't notice that little smirk." **_**Alistair could hardly keep himself from smirking at the Arl's surprise. He hadn't expected to see any Cousland alive, yet there stood the youngest Cousland, alive, well and a Grey Warden. **

_I did my best not to say anything unless directly asked. Arl Eamon led most of the conversation. It's my job to sway the votes of the nobles in our favor. Given my ability to persuade almost anyone, I was an obvious choice, I suppose. I'll bring Alistair with me when I sway the votes of the female nobility, with his unbelievably good looks and my convincing babble we would be completely unstoppable. _

"_**Oh Maker." **_**Alistair rolled his eyes smirking slightly. **_**"I always did enjoy being apart of a mediocre scheme. "**_

_Before we could make our way into town, the Queen's handmaiden Erlina, has come seeking our aid. The Arl of Denerim has detained the Queen. _

_Arl of Denerim, what a joke! Who else but Howe could possibly have the arrogance to name himself Arl of Denerim and Teyrn of Highever. How much power does one sodding arsehole need before he is happy with himself? _

_I believe we're going to sneak into the estate dressed as Howe's soldiers. This whole idea is wrong on so many levels. I'm going in disguised as one of the men who murdered my parents. It makes me sick just thinking about it.  


* * *

_

_I only have an hour before I need to bring Alistair to the Landsmeet. I'll have to sum this up the best I can. _

_Rescuing the Queen was painful in more ways than one. I took Alistair, Morrigan and Sten (Who is happy with his newly recovered sword) with me into the Arl of Denerim estate. _

_It turns out Arl Howe loves causing pain to other people. His torture chamber was truly the single most disgusting places I have ever seen in my entire life. Keep in mind I've quite a few disgusting things in out travels so that is saying a lot. _

_We freed an Elf Solas, Oswyn son of Bann Sighard, and a Templar Irminic who is the brother of Bann Alfstanna. The things that have been done to these men sets my teeth on edge. Why does it shock me so deeply that Arl Howe can torture these men? I am heartsick to say that I am not sure that Oswyn will ever walk normally again_

_As we freed each of these good men we were lucky enough to find a Warden. His name is Riordan, and apparently he has much to discuss with us once our mission is done. Right now the man looks like he has been through ten blights give or take a few. My heartaches to see someone who should be respected treated so badly._

**Alistair notes a small discoloration on the journal page. Shaking his head he realizes that she shed tears for these men and what they suffered.**

_The Queen was easy to find, releasing her was a difficult task. Of course Howe possessed the key to her door. Why the hell wouldn't he? _

_Once I found the Arl again, every instinct I had told me to allow him to give up peacefully. Despite the horrible insults he spat at me. I knew he was trying to provoke me, yet I did not want to kill him. I would be no better than Howe himself if I took vengeance outside the law of the land. "She wields the broken sword, and separates true kings from tyrants." The Gauntlet lessons were not wasted on me, however hard it is to follow or what it costs._

"_**The man killed your family, friends, took your home and you were still going to let him live?" **_**With those words thought, a sudden realization hit Alistair like a brick to the head. **_**"That is another reason why you allowed Loghain to live isn't it? You weren't about to kill Loghain in front of his own daughter. Damn you woman! You could have just told me that along with everything else you didn't say." **_**Alistair shook his head "**_**Damn that soft-hearted woman." **_**He smiled as he rolled his eyes upward towards the ceiling. **

_No matter my intent, Arl Howe did not give me a choice. He attacked us with anger and a strength I never would have thought he possessed. Before I could offer him a chance to surrender, or even speak I was in fight for my life. More than once I tried to disarm him, or disable him only to be at even greater risk of losing my own life. _

_Finally something in me snapped, just as it had in Denerim with the bandits. He gave me no other choice. I would not let __**him**__ be the one to kill me, or worse someone **else** I care about. _

_When it came down to it when I dealt the final blow I enjoyed sliding my blade into his stomach. Visions of my father laying bleeding on the larder floor leaped to my mind. Without really knowing what I was doing, I stabbed the Arl over and over again. As he lay on the floor bleeding Alistair was forced to pull me off the Arl. Alistair's arms brought me back to myself. As I move forward I heard his last words, they aren't worth repeating and shall not have a place in this journal._

**He remembered pulling her back, seeing an almost trance like expression on her face scared the hell out of him. She was acting like** **what she saw was not real. He had no idea she had THAT kind of rage within her. **

_Ser Cauthrien and her group of merry men stopped us while we were trying to make our escape. Looking at the odds and knowing I had to do what was best, I chose to surrender to her. I figured it would look better once the Landsmeet was called, if we didn't kill everyone who was between us and the way out. Cauthrien's skills and that of Loghain's elite guard were reported to be legendary. While we would have won, the cost could have been too high._

_They let the others leave, however Alistair and I were forced to remain. The moment they took us into custody they split us up. I told Ser Cauthrien I was the Commander, and Alistair had only followed MY orders._

_I was taken to a small room, but I don't remember anything that might have happened afterwards. Cauthrien's Mage forced me to drink a potion. I awoke in a small cell with Alistair. We were both in nothing but our small cloths. _

"_**That has always bothered me. What the hell did they do with us while we were passed out? CREEPY!" **_

_Finally my lock picking abilities has some good use. We escaped without being detected and managed to get back to Arl Eamon's estate. Where The Queen told us about the Disgusting Elven slave trading business her father and Arl Howe have been apart of. It was something that needed proof of before we started throwing about accusations. _

_We were quick to shut that operation down. We also have a written contract proving both Howe and Loghain were involved. Loghain has truly lost his mind. _

_It's time for the Landsmeet. Here's to hoping I don't have to make any huge decisions. That would be horrible if I had to decide who should rule all of Ferelden. I hope I can remember where the Landsmeet is being held. _

**The last line disturbed Alistair more than he cared to admit. "**_**Perhaps I'm just being overly paranoid. She did have a lot on her mind at the time." **_

**Alistair flipped through the pages of the journal. His eyes scanning each page quickly to find what happened after the Landsmeet. He finally stopped once he was sure he was past the Landsmeet. She had made her guilt and pain quite clear in her letter, and though it felt a bit like a coward, he really needed to know what happened afterwards.**

* * *

_It has been quite some time since I've written anything in my journal. I haven't cared much about it lately, or anything for that matter. I barely have enough energy to lift a dagger, and I am even less motivated to pick up a quill._

_Everyone but Zev, Oghren and Morrigan are completely ignoring me. Even Sten and Shale are cold and distant to me, and that is saying something. I must say I prefer this silence to the constant snide remarks about my decision. Under their breath saying how utterly stupid it was to let Loghain live, and how my choices are the source of their and my pain. Like I don't fucking realize it was beyond stupid._

_I used to wonder if Alistair hates me as much as I hate myself. After four days without him, it finally hit me that he's not coming back, and I stopped caring._

_I'm done caring about people and their feelings. It's obvious no matter what it do it's always going to piss someone off to the point of leaving me. I can't make everyone happy, so why try. If I weren't sworn to protect these arseholes of Ferelden, I'd be happy to just to the Archdemon and darkspawn have them all._

**With a sigh he thought to himself, **_**"Well, aren't we the drama Queen. You couldn't stop caring about people if you tried." **_**Alistair wasn't buying these ramblings for a moment. She was angry at herself and simply venting.  
**

_We set off for Redcliffe castle, as there were indications that the hoard was set to descend there. Riordan had been scouting to the south and he had planned on meeting us there with the army. We knew we needed to get there fast in order to discuss battle strategies with Eamon and Riordan._

_Upon our arrival we found the village overrun and nearly devastated by the darkspawn. Not a hoard, but enough we were hard pressed to make it to the castle itself. Wave after wave of darkspawn came at us. At least it gave me a chance to stab, hurt, maim, kill something that deserves to be in pain. With each blow I hoped my agony would lessen. Not so much._

_**"How can you look at a battle with darkspawn as potential therapy? Hmmm, come to think of it there were days when Morrigan would cause me no end of frustration, and killing some darkspawn certainly took the edge off." **_**Alistair glanced up at the witch as she worked murmuring and waving her hands over Elissa.**

_Riordan pulled Loghain and I aside, to explain why it must be a Grey Warden who slays the Archdemon. Something I already knew and wish I didn't. Maybe if I was oblivious, I could have killed Loghain without a second though. Alistair would still be here and I wouldn't be so Maker damn angry and sad all the time._

_**"You wouldn't have killed him with Anora in the room with us, and you know it."**_

_I sat down with Loghain and got to know him. I figured he's the reason I gave up my happiness so I should at least get to know something about the son of a bitch. After all we still have a battle to win and it seems only fair if I am going to sent him off to his death._

_**"Did you feel the need to have a sit down and chat with every darkspawn or bandit you came upon before you killed them?" **_**Alistair mind tried to picture that sight, and the image was so asinine it took several minutes to refocus on the journal.**

_He tells me he truly regrets' what happened at Ostagar. The loss of life to the army and the betrayal of Cailan seemed to really bother him. At the thought of Cailan, the son of his best friend, husband to his daughter, and king of Ferelden._

_I know I saw pain on his face as he gave each title to Cailan. That was right before that famous Loghain mask of logic came back down as he explained his decision was right at the time. He believed Cailan to be a damned fool to put so much faith into the Orleasian forces, and Grey Wardens. While they sounded like excuses there was a touch of truth there. It doesn't really matter done is done we have an Archdemon to kill and a blight to stop. Then I will try to deal with what is left._

_After our meeting with Riordan, I went back to my room where Morrigan was waiting for me. She gave me yet another ultimatum. I am so fucking tired of ultimatums. She wanted me to convince Loghain to sleep with her in order to save us both._

_I love Morrigan as I would a sister, I truly do, but I had to refuse her offer. I told her this is why I allowed Loghain to live in the first place. So neither Alistair nor I would be forced to kill the Archdemon and die. And then she..._

**Alistair did not need to speculate why she did not finish the entry. He glanced up from the Journal to Morrigan. He wondered if she was aware how much her departure hurt Elissa? He figured she was aware. Which might be the reason she was here now and helping Elissa. "**_**Morrigan feeling guilty. Now there is a concept that could drive one to the brink of insanity."**_** Alistair thoughtfully considered as his mind slowly stepped back from that brink.**

* * *

_We discovered that Redcliffe was not where the main hoard would break, but Denerim. Like we haven't tramped enough all over this country. The Archdemon has shown himself and we needed to move our army as quickly as possible back to Denerim. When we got there Denerim was swarming with Darkspawn. Thank Andraste we had an army behind us before taking our stand. This battle would have been far bloodier and shorter had we not._

_I was completely prepared to leave Loghain at the gates and slay the Archdemon myself. What do I have left to lose or more to the point live for? After all we have faced, all the trials we overcame, why not fulfill the warden creed. "In death sacrifice" Loghain would have none of that as he was adamant about doing his part and would not take no for an answer._

_**"How in Thedas can you be so smart yet so unbelievably dense at the same time? Don't make my leaving meaningless. You had the foresight to keep Loghain alive so we could live." **_**His mind logically knew the outcome but he still felt so angry at the thought that she would want to give up her life**.

_I took Zevran and Oghren with me as well since no one else will speak with me. They wouldn't even look at me without contempt. I didn't have the heart to take Fadas with me. Poor boy will just have to stay and guard the gates. If I don't make it back, I am sure Sten will take care of him. While he may despise me I think he still respects Fadas. I felt horrible leaving Fadas behind. I didn't want to risk my four legged best friend, in a battle best handled by things with two legs._

**Closing his eyes, Alistair thought of Fadas, and all the times early in their travels where he would have gladly traded places with the hound.**

_Riordan died trying to slay the Archdemon. He didn't kill it, but he did badly wound the beast. It was up to Loghain and me to slay the Archdemon who landed at the top of the Fort._

_In the end, Loghain died along with the Archdemon. I was going to take the final blow myself, but Loghain pushed me out of the way before I could run up that ramp. He knew why I had brought him on as a Grey Warden. This way he could redeem himself and by his sacrifice save Ferelden. As he turned for the final charge he told me to "Find Maric's stupid boy and talk some sense into him". Before I could stop him he ran towards the Archdemon like a man half his age. He plunged his sword into the dragon's head with a blow that drove the sword into the roof pinning the creature down like some overgrown butterfly._

_**"I hope killing the Archdemon burned him from the inside out. It's a far better fate than he deserves." **_**Alistair sneered to himself. While his bitterness was only human, he knew that without Loghain, Elissa would be dead instead now. How can he still hate a man that saved the love of his life?**

_I blacked out. The last thing I remember is a massive white light exploding from the Archdemon. Like waves of light and power it blasted everything on that roof back and flat. When I finally awoke, I was still on the Fort Drakon rooftop. Redcliffe soldiers were everywhere, carrying survivors and dead alike downstairs._

_As I turned my head trying to see how bad it was Teagan suddenly was there, rushing towards me. Some corner of me was shocked that I was still alive. That the blast hadn't thrown me off the roof to my death, as it had so many by the look of it._

_Teagan gently gathered me in his arms to carry me away. From my vantage point and through a red haze of pain I looked at the devastation around me. I saw the Loghain's lifeless body next to that of the Archdemon. The sight filled me with no joy, I am not sure there is any joy left to feel. While we won the day, our losses were great._

_With infinite care and tenderness Teagan carried me back to the Palace. It seemed to have fared the best during the battle. Once we made it into the main entry hall Teagan pulled a Mage aside and forced him to help me. I think I saw the Mage go a little pale as he cataloged my injuries. I had four broken ribs, my skull was cracked (That injury was attended to before the Mage with on with his evaluation), two broken fingers, broken leg, my left cheekbone has shattered, burns down my left arm and far too many other things to mention. Both the Mage, (I think his name was Gareth), and Teagan were surprised to see me awake given the extent of my injuries. "Is that all?" I asked before I blacked out again._

_**"Holy Maker above!" **_**He nearly yelled aloud. She had been injured before, but she never had that many injuries at once. "**_**That must have been some white light**_**."**

* * *

_When next I awoke I was as weak as a kitten. Everything was a bit fuzzy as if I was looking through a mist. Slowly I started to focus and then I took stock of my surroundings. I found myself in a large and warm bed. Teagan was sitting at my bedside along with Zevran, Oghren and... Fergus. I could hardly believe my eyes! I thought for sure I was still dreaming until Fergus pulled me into a hug hard enough to assure me he was no dream. I would have hugged him back had I been able to move my arms properly_.

**Alistair smiled warmly at the page. **_**"I'm glad something good finally came out of this whole mess."**_

_Fergus told me of his patrol being ambushed by the darkspawn. All of his men had been killed in the attack, and Fergus himself had been injured severely. He was discovered by a group of Chasind who nursed him back to health. He told me that his injuries were extensive, but he would not elaborate. I looked deep into his eyes and knew that someday he would tell me the whole story. He said it took months to recover enough to travel. Once he saw the devastation at Ostagar, he set out for the nearest stronghold, which just happened to be Redcliffe._

_He wandered about the devastated town, looking for news. A woman checking if her home had survived the attacks discovered him near the Chantry steps. She told him I had led the armies to Denerim to fight the darkspawn hoard. Fergus admitted that he had laughed at this for a moment, but when the woman told him I really was in charge of the armies he knew he had to make his way to me and do what he could._

_He arrived in Denerim the day after the battle was over. It took him a few more days to track me down and there he ended his tale. Well as much as he was willing to share at the moment. The silence was but a momentary pause. With deep sighs and tender kisses on my forehead Teagan, Zev and Oghren to excuse themselves from the room, leaving Fergus and I alone_.

_With a heavy heart and many deep breaths I told Fergus of everything that happened in Highever. As much as I wanted to I left out no details. By the time I was done, I could see tears and devastating pain in his eyes. The loss of his beloved wife and son was etched into every line and drained the blood from his face. He came over pulled me into a very tight hug and left the room_.

_Fergus and I are defiantly alike in at least that respect, neither one of us like crying in front others. This is odd since mother and father raised us to be honest about our emotions. I suppose some lessons stay, and sometimes pride becomes an impenetrable wall. Duty, honor, needing to be a leader, and no small portion of pride is part of who a Cousland is, at least that is how Fergus and I have always seen things_.

_**"I disagree." **_**His thoughts drifted back to the Landsmeet; where her sobs had broke his already shattered heart. The lake was the only other time he had ever seen her cry. He had only witnessed that because she thought no one was watching. The Landsmeet was completely different. They were in front of royalty and nobility alike, yet she didn't care. She sobbed, begging him to stay as if her soul had been ripped forcibly from her.**

**He shook his head, trying to erase the image and sounds of her sobs from his mind. After several minutes it subsided enough to allow him to read on.**

_As the days slowly passed the Queen's messenger informed me that preparations for my celebration ceremony and my welcoming ball were well underway. Oh goody a fucking ball! Does every newly appointed Warden-Commander have to go through such torture? I didn't want to be a leader and I sure as shit don't want to be a Commander! I don't know what I really want but I certainly don't want any of this._

_**"Good to know I'm not the only one to be put through dancing hell. At least you were raised d to be paraded and judged my nobles." **_**Alistair thought**_**.**_

* * *

_I'm the new Warden-Commander and a Hero of Ferelden. I'd give them both up in a second if it meant I could have Alistair here with me. I need him and miss him so much. I brought this upon myself and I should be able to live with the consequences of his leaving. The pain of his loss hurts so badly, sometimes I think this pain I feel in my heart is enough to kill me. Sometimes I wish it would and hope it does._

**"Those are awfully familiar thoughts."**

_Everyone except Zevran has left just as they said they would. Oghren told me to visit him Orzammar anytime, which was nice of him._

_I told Queen Anora I needed to start rebuilding the Wardens. Which isn't exactly a lie, it's simply a small part of the truth. I really just need to get away from Denerim. Everywhere I look I am reminded of Alistair, I just need to be somewhere that does not remind me of him. She completely understood my reasons (as fabricated as some of them may have been). She let it be known I am always welcomed at court. Lucky for me I suppose._

_As the Teyrn of Highever, Fergus has give Amaranthine to the Wardens. I think he partly wanted to help the Wardens, but mostly take from the Howe's everything that was once theirs. Vengance within him is a cold feeling thing. While it is his right as Teyrn to dispose of Amaranthine, some part of me wishes he could release the pain. When I see it in his eyes I live that night over again._

_I figure I should wander towards Vigils Keep in Amaranthine soon, but first I need to rest. I'm so damn tired all the time. I wonder if a goodnight's rest is all I need in order to get my mind back to the way it was. Sometimes it seems so clear what I should and need to do, other times I see all through a haze._

_Zev and I are on our way to back to Soldier's Peak, where the Weisshaupt Wardens are meeting us. They want to know the details of the final battle among other things. I'm sure they'll want to know why I allowed Loghain to become a Warden. I'll have suitable answers by the time we get there, I hope I can figure out what is suitable. Zev is with me so I have a stealthy man with a dagger handy. I trust the Weisshaupt Wardens about as far as I can toss them in full plate armor_.

_**"Thus the war of the Warden factions begins. What an unbelievably stupid war it is... or was. I believe it is an ongoing war. It's still unbelievably stupid none the less."**_

* * *

_The Warden's of Weisshaupt are some of the most pretentious group of men I have ever met. I'd would rather not meet with any of them ever again, but I have the feeling I won't have much choice in the matter. As I predicted they were very curious as to why I would allow Loghain to become a Warden. Desperate times call for desperate measures. It was all I would say about the subject. I don't think they like me much, I don't really care._

_**"Not caring what that lot thinks may have been a huge mistake."**_

_Our final meeting went well into the night. Asking me what seemed like the same questions over and over again. Or maybe it was just déjà vu I am not sure any more. I didn't tell them much of anything, which didn't appear to please them. Like anything could really please them._

_They knew Ferelden was facing Blight, because we wrote to them telling them as much, yet they did nothing. They were safely in their Anderfels beds, doing whatever. All the while two newly recruited Wardens built an army. Now that I'm Warden-Commander, suddenly they care? It shouldn't work that way._

_However, I did offer both of the Warden's a room for the night at the Peak. I was mildly surprised when they refused my offer. They were looking for any excuse to get out of Ferelden, and report back to the Senior Warden. I am sure they couldn't wait to inform him of my uncooperative behavior. How they didn't believe me, or like my responses._

_**"You do bring up a valid point. The Orleasians were detained and purposely mislead by (Possibly) Loghain. But where the hell were the bloody Weisshaupt Wardens during this whole blight? I assumed they would jump at any chance to be a part of history."**_

_I'm tired and sore. It's time for sleep._


	20. In her own words: A trip to Orlais

A/N: I had to split this last journal entry up into two parts. if only because it would be close to 10,000 words and that is just massive. The second part will be posted shortly (later tonight. YAY ALMOST DONE WITH THE JOURNALS.)

**After the battle. **

_Zevran left for Antivia this morning. He promised he would come back; he had some Crow business to attend and forced me to swear I would not to do anything rash while he was gone. I believe he's worried I'm going to fall on a sword, or off a high cliff. I told him that I have recruiting to keep me busy. I'm going to start here in Denerim, and branch out from there. The darkspawn have not been very active as of late, but who knows when that will change. It never hurts to have the Orlesian Wardens on my side either._

_I believe I'll start in the Alienage. I've made a friend of Shianni, after I saved her brother from Howe and the Alienage. I believe she would be willing to help me with recruiting some elves. Denerim being in disarray, I doubt it will be hard to find a warrior willing to flee the rebuilding process._

_The Howe estate is empty in Denerim and appears to be in relatively good shape. The Queen has given the estate to me. While the Warden compound is being rebuilt the estate will aid the order in housing, and as a base of operations. This visit also gives me a chance to rid my new home of the Rendon Howe's stench. As the former Arl Howe and his son Thomas dead now, is a time to clean house so to speak._

_Thomas perished, so I have been informed, fighting in Loghain's elite guard. A darkspawn raid hit Denerim just before the army arrived. With his father dead, I believe that Thomas was trying to find some way to distance himself from his father's acts._

_It is hard to believe that had our path been different, had Rendon not betrayed my family, I might have married into the Howe family. He was always going on about matching me to Thomas. Thomas while nice enough, he drank to excess and always seemed to be depressed._

_Perhaps even then, if I had really looked, I might have known it for a sign that Thomas was desperately attempting to escape something, perhaps his father? I wonder what happened to Nathaniel and Delilah. I can only hope that they survived and Rendon's acts have not destroyed them as I believe it did Thomas._

**_There was a two month gap between journal entries. Alistair figured with recruiting she didn't have much time to write._**

* * *

I _forgot where I had placed this. I don't have much time to write these days. What with recruiting, fighting stray darkspawn and the lovely morning sickness that doesn't have the good grace to only happen in the mornings. YUCK! Being pregnant forces such pleasant things to happen to my body._

_I feel shouldn't be joking about such things, but I'm so scared and confused most of the time. According to all of my research, this baby should not even be possible. It's difficult for a Warden to become pregnant because of the taint. Since Alistair is the only man I've been with, I can safely assume he is the father. All of that is what makes this child, even more of a miracle. Well during the entire blight Alistair kept achieving what we were told was "impossible", seems our run continues with this precious child, created by our love._

**Alistair took a moment to ponder; _"Impossible things happened to them every day during the blight to be sure."_**

_What if I don't make it to full term? What if something happens to the baby? If we do make it to full term; the babe will no doubt be born with the taint. How will this affect the baby? I am so frightened for this child; I don't know what to do. I'm going to visit with a group of Mages tomorrow (outside of the circle) perhaps they can help._

* * *

_On my way to meet the mages I stopped at Redcliffe. Arl Eamon told me of a female Warden he had once heard of when Maric first allowed wardens back into Ferelden. She was an Elven mage named Fiona, was pregnant and actually gave birth!_

_Eamon told me that he hoped the fact that she was the Warden, and the fact that she carried a child to full term would give me hope. When I questioned him for more details he claimed he didn't know anymore than that. I have the feeling he knows way more than he is telling me. I will need to find a way to get more out of Eamon. I need to find Fiona and speak with her, or at least find some record of her somewhere._

**Her pregnancy still baffled him. Apparently he baffled her as well. _"I've never even heard of a female Warden carrying a child to full term, interesting to say the least. I wonder if she ever found Fiona or at least some records. Answers would be a good thing."_**

_The Mages were utterly shocked at my condition. I know it is suppose to be "IMPOSSIBLE" but I am getting a little tired of the jaws flying open when I announce my pregnancy. After recovering from the shock, they assured me knew no way to cure the child of any taint. The only hope they could offer me was to try and find a way that would allow me to carry the child full term. Give this precious babe a fighting chance; I almost leaped for joy at that though. As I reached for one of the Mages hands to start to thank them they stopped me cold. They stressed that what they had in mind might involve blood magic. That is something I will have to think on._

_**"What is there to think about? If blood magic can save the baby then...Ah, I get it now. This is why the Arlessa was so willing to sacrifice herself for Connor's sake, a mother's love"**_

_Next, I plan on paying the Dalish camp a visit. Perhaps the camp healer or the Keeper has advice or potions that may help. After the Dalish I will visit the Circle tower. I somewhat doubt the Circle will be of any help, but it does not hurt to ask. I can check through their records while I'm there, perhaps I can find word about the Warden Fiona and her child. I long shot, I know, however not impossible._

**Alistair looked up once again, his eyes searching the scene before him for any sign of improvement or the burning question is his heart. Will she recover? Finding no change he took a slow deep breath and lowered his eyes once more to the journal in his hands.**

* * *

_I'm here in Orlais asking for help from the Wardens, but first I had to meet with the Empress Celene. I've met with the Empress Celene. My overall impression of her would be that she is lovely, interested in the arts, shoes and controlling Orlais completely. When I brought up my desire to receive assistance from the Wardens at Montsimmard she stated that she was not sure the Orlesian Wardens would be much help in a Darkspawn attack._

_While the Grey Wardens are technically an independent group from any government, Celene can make life more than difficult for them. Without her approval I know they will not take any overt steps to aid me in this quest. The upshot of this I am on my own._

_I've been walking the streets of Orlais for some time now. I've heard the merchants speak of a sword wielding; Templar trained Ferelden mercenary who will do anything for a bit of gold. Dare I hope that it could be Alistair? I must know! I need to know if it's him. I need to find him and beg his forgiveness._

_For the first time in months, I feel my heart truly beat. So long out of use, it flutters to life like a tiny newborn creature. I've heard there is a Tourney starting soon. I wonder if he'll be there. Tourneys are always a way to pick up a few coins. Maybe I should try entering, perhaps that would garner his attention that is if he is really here. I am good enough I should be able to enter and still keep our child safe. I cannot leave until I find him!_

**_"Oh maker's breath woman, are you joking? I wouldn't have listened to you when I was still so hurt and angry." _He knew himself well enough to know that to be true. _"I have a difficult time listening to anyone logically when I'm angry no matter how persuasive they might be."_ It was something he would never know, since she never approached him.**

_I did find something on Warden Fiona while I was here. There are a few entries of her in the ledgers in Empress Celene's records hall. It is good I have some stealth skills; I found them in the restricted section. (Where the less savory records are kept)._

_Fiona is an elf who was bought at a young age by an Orleasian Count. I am going to guess that he was less than pleasant, because she killed him; very violently death I might add. The court records show she stood trial, but never sentenced. I could not find any records referencing her death. This tells me she may have been conscripted before her sentencing. Good for her I say._

**_"Pet elves in Orlais are sadly common. It is a disgusting practice, but common none the less."_**

* * *

_I'm on the ship back to Ferelden. It turns out they don't allow pregnant women to enter tourneys. I didn't think I was showing too much, but the woman who was registering the contestants could tell and turned me away._

_I was about to enter the Crasse Inn (it was horrible, but all I could afford while I was there) when I saw him._

**He gaped at the entry. _"We were staying at the same inn? How could we have not seen one another?"_ He ran his hand angrily through his hair. _"Shit. Not only did you see me at my worst, but also we were staying in the same fucking building, wonderful."_ He wanted to punch the wall behind him, but managed to keep his temper in check.**

_He's lost weight, which worries me. He's also a little furry, but still unbelievably handsome. Makers breath, he still takes my breath away. Even as I write this entry that tiny fluttering in my chest beats against my breastbone at the thought of him, Alistair._

"**_Hmmm, Handsome even if I am a little furry"_ As Alistair returned his attention to the journal, his momentary warmth was extinguished with the next words.**

_I'm sure the whore he was with thought so as well. There are no words in any language to explain how painful that sight was. The only man I have ever loved, who I gave my happiness up for with a whore. The fluttering in my chest sped up for a brief moment with anger or perhaps jealousy at the thought of what was about to happen between them._

_I know I could have marched up to him and made him listen to me, but something told me I would be a less than welcomed sight. Well that and I was terrified. Andraste help me, but I was scared of how Alistair might react to seeing me. Because in my heart, I know any angry words he had for me were deserved._

_I watched as the whore pulled him into her arms and into the brothel. I ran up to my room, packed everything, paid the inn keeper and left to find the first ship back to Ferelden. I know I am a coward, not to face him, to tell him all that I should have, to tell him about our child. Maker help me, for this brief moment I know what I should have done. The haze in my mind and the fear in my very soul overwhelmed me. HA, what would Ferelden think of me now, no hero am I to be certain._

**Alistair's eyes were closed, jaw clenched, and his hands were grasping the edges of the journal tightly. He wasn't sure who he was mad at; himself or her. He knew how he felt back then; hurt, but still deeply in love. He wished she would have at least tried to approach him, but he doubted he would have listened. He was also most likely unbelievably drunk and would have passed Elissa's presence off as some sort of drunken illusion.**

I can barely remember why I was in Orlais. Hopefully this is one of those events I'll forget just as I'm slowly forgetting everything else.

_This morning I sent Zevran off to Orlais with a letter for Alistair, explaining everything I could not find the courage to tell him while I was there. I hope he isn't too angry at my cowardice, but he would have every right to be. I hope he can find a way to at least read the letter, instead of burning it out of hand, once he knows it is from me._

**_"Me? angry over a little thing like you coming to Orlais, and not telling me you were carrying my child? Nor giving me an in-depth Landsmeet explanation? Why in Thadas would I be angry not knowing such silly details like that. Although; it is hardly for your fault Zevran did not deliver the letter, but still that is information you share with someone in person you daft woman."_ Past is past and he knows in his heart he needs to let this anger go.**

_After my return from Orlais I told the Queen Anora everything. I also told her of my decision to live at Vigil's Keep. The Queen wanted to keep me in Denerim, given I'm nearly five months along. I told her my Warden duties don't stop just because I'm pregnant. I assured her I'll be fine and eventually she let me go. _


	21. In her own words: A Short Journey

_It has been several weeks since I've bothered to write anything. I figure since we are here in camp, there is no better time than the present. Thank Andraste Anora let me go, because the Keep was in some serious trouble._

_Typically the normal stupid darkspawn are a bun I can deal with fairly easily. Dealing with intelligent darkspawn, who can also speak; not so much. I arrived in Amaranthine yesterday. The keep is in a state of disarray and causalities are high. From what I saw the darkspawn swarmed up from under the keep, not unlike the tower of Ishal._

_The Darkspawn decided to ambush the Keep itself and no one here was prepared. The keep had a small contingent of Grey Wardens from, believe it or not Orlais. Yes, a few wardens defied the Empress and came to the keep to start the rebuilding process. We can account for most of the wardens, but some appear to be missing._

_I'm not alone in my fight against these intelligent darkspawn. A Warrior named Mhairi greeted me and was escorting me to the keep when a single survivor fleeing the keep met us on the road. Her skills as we battled our way to the keep were impressive. She had volunteered to escort me to the keep as her dream was to become a Warden. Sadly did not survive her joining. I believe she would have made a fine Warden._

**_"It is always hard to lose a candidate to the joining." _Alistair remembered Elissa's joining, and how she was the only one to survive.**

_As we fought our way though the keep I found the oddest of Mages. His name is Anders; I swear at first glance that he was Alistair._

_**"You have got to be kidding woman! He doesn't look a thing like me."**_

_I found him surrounded by dead darkspawn and Templars. I'm still sure whether or not he actually killed the Templars. I think it is best I not know the answer to that question. While I feel is in essence a good man, I don't always trust instincts especially when he looks and even acts a little like Alistair. I wonder if Maric had another son, no I am sure not, well….._

_Anders magical talent is powerful and since I'm always willing to give an apostate a chance I invited him to tag along. I was forced to use the right of conscription before the Templars accompanying the Queen could arrest him for "murder" and being a "blood Mage"._

_Anders was so less than wise in his baiting of the Templars. He had to tell them "Oh, I know, I know. Most people enjoy being kicked in the head to be woken up each morning. Me, I'm just so picky." His sense of humor is so similar to that of Alistair, which is yet another reason why I may have made him a Warden. Those witty one-liners get me every time. Anders is also a horrible flirt, however I find it rather enduring._

_**"Hey, you find his flirting enduring, really? And I still say he doesn't look like me and my one liners are far superior to his any day!"**_

_I have made Oghren a Grey Warden. It's good to have a familiar face among this group of strangers. Oghren in his own unique style survived the joining, he took a deep draw from the joining cup, his eyes rolled upwards for a moment and he belched. If I hadn't stopped him I think he might have tried to down the rest of the cup. Maybe we should focus on recruiting drunkards, it might up the survival odds to the recruits._

_Oghren has remarried that lovely Felsi from the Spoiled Princess near the Circle Tower. And I finally found out that he also have a little nugget. (that is what he calls the baby) It took some time to get him to open up about why he left Felsi and the nugget. We've spent many nights talking about his family, and now I believe he will finally start taking an active role in helping his wife raising their child._

_**"Still caring about everyone else. I knew you would not be lost to self-pity for too long."**_

_Sigrun is a member of the Legion of the Dead and is the only surviving member of her squad. The Legion of the Dead give up their lives so they can have no fear while they fight the darkspawn. Many join the Legion as a way to be redeemed from debt, crimes, being castles, or from some dishonor. She told me how she ran away before the darkspawn could capture her. (the dwarfs know best of where broodmothers come from) I must say, I really like her quirky nature and her dedication. She feels terrible for running from her sworn duty. It is that guilt which flames her renewed hatred of darkspawn._

_And then there is Nathaniel, my childhood friend, my first crush before he was sent to the Free Marches, and the son of the former Arl of Amaranthine. Yes, THAT Arl. In the Free Marches news can be delayed by months, and by the time it reaches someone who knows what version of news will be heard._

_Apparently Nathaniel thought His plan was to come in and kill me while my guard was down. Like any dutiful son he was looking to revenge his, from what he had been told, father's murder. As he crept through the keep, he changed his mind knowing that it just wasn't right. Instead he decided to retrieve a few family heirlooms in remembrance of what his family had once been. The Howe family, before Rendon, was honorable, strong and dedicated to serving Ferelden. What I remember of Nathaniel from our youth was the very soul of dedication and honor. It was those memories that first gave me pause as I approached him._

_I could hardly believe it took four Wardens to capture him. Even with him behind the cell bars, something about him made me look deeper. On one hand, I was beyond impressed at the strength and skills where it took 4 Wardens to capture and lock him up. On the other hand, was that haunted look in those eyes. In those eyes was the Nate I knew, but the pain in them was almost unbelievable._

_These are the two reasons as to why I conscripted him. Everyone thought I had lost my ever-loving mind, which may be true in most cases, but this is not one of those cases. Nathaniel is not his father; I believe he needs the chance to prove to Ferelden that not every Howe is power hungry and evil to the bone._

**Alistair huffed quietly. _"He isn't his father, and I do believe he is a good man despite being slightly conceded, a bit of an ass, exceedingly overbearing, and not to mention he does not know how to take a joke."_**

_Finally I come to Velanna, and I am not sure how I feel about Velanna, yet. She is incredibly outspoken, has a short temper, and a bit paranoid. While I have no problem with her speaking her mind, but the killing of humans disturbs me some. To be honest more than just some._

_She is a very powerful Dalish mage who is at least equal to Morrigan power. She once was Keeper of her clan and knows the ways of the wood. Add to that an attitude on par with Morrigan, a sharp sarcastic wit, and one could almost say she is not worth the effort. The rub is that she seems to believe I can lead her to her sister. Her sister has been missing and she is desperate to find her. I know what it is like to lose a sibling so I want to help her. My thought is as long as she has some use for me, I'm sure she'll stick around. Lucky me._

**_"Oh Maker, she sounds like Morrigan. One of Morrigan is enough. Now there is a Dalish version? Scary."_ Alistair shuttered at the very thought of someone in the world just like the bitch of the wilds.**

_These are my newest companions. A odd bunch to be sure. No one has said a word about my ever growing stomach. I always wear armor slightly bigger than my actual body size, which is why I don't think anyone has noticed anything. Both Anders and Nathaniel strike me as the chivalrous type (despite Anders constant flirting and teasing), who wouldn't allow me to fight in my "condition."_

_Holy Andraste's knickers! I remembered everything long enough to write it down. It nearly borderlines on amazing! Anders tells me my slight memory loss might have something to do with being in such close proximity to the Archdemon when it was killed. Who knows?_

_Oh and I'm an Arlessa. More titles, how utterly annoying._

**Alistair thinned his lips to keep himself from laughing. _"For a woman who has always hated titles, holding so many of them must have been hell."_ He thought smiling to himself. "_ This is almost justice. NOW I feel much better."_**

_**"Ander's theory on her memory loss makes some sense. Being in close proximity to a powerful dying god could have side effects" **_**He guessed this was slightly before her steady doses of Lyrium, but one could never be too sure. The Weisshaupt Wardens disliked her from the very start.**

* * *

_I walked right into a darkspawn trap. I knew what it was and I did it anyways. Things like this make me wonder if I should keep being the Commander of the Grey for Ferelden. It is bad enough that my mind slipping puts me in danger, but to allow it to harm others, I am not sure if I can live with that._

_The Architect captured all of us. He resembled the intelligent darkspawn we found at the Vigil but somehow different. Perhaps it was his manner of speech, or the fact he seemed more in control that the others. We were experimented on, while there was no apparent physical damage to any of us, someone took all our equipment. I HATE it when someone takes my STUFF._

**_"Apparent damage, what did she mean by that?" _Alistair felt a cold fear grip his heart. While in his mind, he understood that he was allowing his emotions to run high, he knew it was driven by his love for Elissa.**

_We were released from our cage by Velanna's missing sister Seranni. She appeared changed, almost like Hespith in the Dead Trenches. As we escaped we found some interesting documents in what appeared to be the Architect's quarters. I will have to try to remember to review these someday soon. In the mines we searched for the Architect, but he escaped with Seranni and a female dwarf. It doesn't seem fair that after we kill 2 dragons trying to get to him, he caused a cave in to escape us. I ended up breaking a nail digging out of the rubble, and it really upset me._

**_"Breaking a nail? That is what upset her?" _Alistair was barely able to stifle a chortle. _"You are so damned strange."_  
**

* * *

_Next we went to a dead and deserted town called Blackmarsh. Nate mentioned that he always dreamed, when he was a boy, of coming here to solve the mystery. There is no sign of life in this place. No birds or natural animals to be seen. There is a feeling of heaviness in the very air around us. As we explored we found ruins of a village, that look as if no one has been here in many years. We found a campsite that would appear to belong to the missing Warden Kristoff, we were keeping an eye out for, but other than that no recent tracks or trails to be found._

_As we continued through the abandoned village, we battled what seems like a new type of darkspawn. No not a talking one that came later, but this new creature looks like a cross between a child and a bug. Well a really LARGE bug with a drive to kill and eat anything. So far I think I have seen at least 2 stages of this new darkspawn, and I wonder what caused this new darkness to rise outside the blight._

_So on to yet another talking darkspawn who calls himself "The First". He kept going on and on about "The Mother". As for this "Mother", I am sure she will show up sooner or later to be a pain in our arses. The First, The Mother, and the Architect, really someone must speak to their parents about how they name the children._

_**"I think she has a point about being a pain in the arse, but speaking to their parents?"**_

_So back to "The First" he was so sweet to send us to the Fade. Have I mentioned what a Pain these new darkspawn are, well pain doesn't really do it justice? Speaking of Justice, guess who we found in the fad? The spirit of Justice that is who. First time the Fade has shown me a "good" Fade Spirit. And knowing that Wynne had one in her doesn't count, as I never met that one in the Fade._

_Anyway we battled a Pride Daemon/Baroness that was holding all the souls of Blackmarsh hostage. Just when we had her dead to rights, WHAM she used the life-force of The First and ripped us, Justice and herself out of the Fade. So you might ask what happens to a good Fade spirit outside the Fade? Well in this case, he lands in the body of a dead Warden (Kristoff) reanimates him, CREEPY at first and helps us defeat the physical manifestation of the evil Fade Bitch the Baroness._

_Anyway Justice has become the newest member of our group, and an odd member at that. His sense of right and wrong remind me of Alistair. He seems to see things as black and white, although he will admit that many things confuse him in "our world". Hmmm, I have just realized, I really do attract the oddest companions don't I?_

**_"Yes, you REALLY do."_**

_After the defeat of the Baroness, we faced a high dragon, well a spectral form of a High Dragon. What is it with Dragons, did they have a convention somewhere and say "hey, let's go and try to kill that little Warden girl?" has to be something like that with all of the dragons we have faced. This one was no push over, and there was a point where I thought I wouldn't make it. Only Anders spells saved the day once again. He is a sweet man, and while I can't put my finger on it he reminds me of someone sometimes._

_Thanks to Anders, we were able to catch the nobles who were plotting to kill me, and catch them red handed no less. They have been dealt with accordingly. I find that I have little to no tolerance for such vermin anymore. I'm tired of back stabbing nobility_

**_"I'll have to thank Anders later."_**

* * *

_The darkspawn sprang a surprise attack on the city and the Keep. I had to choose which was more important, my Warden's or the people. Both are extremely important, I doubt I need write that here, but I feel that I need to. I had the up most faith in my Warden's. I was convinced they were well equipped to protect the keep against the darkspawn; the people of Amaranthine were not. I took Nathaniel, Anders and Sigrun into the city with me. I left the rest to defend the Keep._

_The darkspawn were crawling all over the city. Thankfully most everyone took cover in the Chantry. We found out that most of them were coming up through the ground from the local inn._

_The Architect sent a darkspawn "The Messenger" with information on where the Mother's lair lay. We are on our way now to take out the bitch. I would take everyone with us, but they are still defending the keep. May the Maker watch over and protect them._

_Many Warden's lost their lives defending the Keep, including some of my newer recruits. Once every inch of the Keep has been searched for survivors, I will hold a service for each and every single one of my fallen brothers and sisters._

**In Alistair's mind he heard again the words of the Joining: _"Join us, brothers and sisters. Join us in the shadows where we stand vigilant. Join us as we carry the duty that cannot be forsworn. And should you perish, know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten... and that one day, we shall join you."_**

* * *

_I may or may not have done a rather stupid thing. I made a deal with the Architect. In exchange for some of my blood and my help in disposing of the Mother, The Architect has agreed to use my blood to keep any other Darkspawn from seeking out any old gods calling to them, and take the darkspawn some place where they will never bother anyone again._

_**"He promised to stop any future blights, it almost makes me believe that we got the better end of this deal."**_

_Before he left I started to ask if there was something that could be done for the baby. He anticipated my question and assured me the baby would be born, maybe not taint free but it would be born as healthy as a Warden baby could be. I'm not sure I trust a darkspawn AND a blood Mage with my baby's life, but I am willing to try anything in order to give this baby a chance at life._

**_"Normally I would be angry with this decision, but one of the two worked in our favor. It's hard to be angry when I have a living, breathing son."_**

_Now I have the lovely task of killing that damned "Mother".  


* * *

  
_

_The Mother was about as fun as the last broodmother I faced. Although she did give us plenty of information. The last blight was started completely by accident. By the Architect of all things. He was attempting to make prevent the old god from rising, but something went very wrong. The result of the Architect's meddling was an Archdemon._

_The Weissahupt Wardens are less than happy with my letting the Architect go. I normally don't like to lie, but this little voice in my head kept telling me it was necessary. I wrote to Weisshaupt and told them the Architect fled before I could reach him. I honestly don't know where that lie came from, but it didn't work. They are accusing me of conspiring with darkspawn. I'd like to see them prove it. They are absolutely convinced he will start blight, and it makes me wonder if they know something I don't? If the Architect does back out on our agreement, (I highly doubt he will but one never knows.)I'm sure the Anderfels Wardens will be just as swift to help Ferelden as they were in the last blight._

_Fergus was angry with me as well. He yelled at me for allowing Nathaniel into the Wardens. I informed my dear brother of whom the Warden-Commander of Ferelden is, and I will allow any man or woman I deem worthy into the Wardens. Fergus was less than thrilled with my decision and has not conversed with me since. Despite the fact that he now visits with Nathaniel regularly since Nate saved his life from a group of Bandits._

_**"Howe saved her brother from Bandits? Interesting, so that is why he has been allowed to take over Elissa's Arling duties in Amaranthine. It's horrible her own brother still won't speak with her. I wonder if there is anything to be done about that.**_"

_I have been giving out a lot of blood lately, it is most disturbing how many people and groups want my blood. The Dalish healer wanted my blood as did ALL of the Mages I paid a visit to, but this baby needs all the help it can get. If my blood is all it takes to assure this baby is born three months I will gladly give it away._

**_"That's my girl."_**

**There was a rather sizable gap between journal entries, which told him that Elissa must have misplaced her journal once again.**

* * *

_I think Nugs are trying to kill me and my baby. Or at least that's what the Darkspawn and Mages tell me. What reason would they have to lie? They've been my only friends these few months, they say they like me, and they tell me I should trust them. I do._

**_"Mages? Darkspawn? Evil Nugs? Maker, the woman really is crazy."_ Alistair thought sadly to himself. _"Of all the animals in Ferelden, why Nugs?_**_"_

* * *

_My mind is cleared for the moment; who knows how long that will last. The Architect warned me slight memory lapses might happen. The evil bastard failed to mentioned darkspawn talking to me all of the time, and the fade dreams/nightmares. It's most disturbing._

**_"Disturbing? That is all you can come up with? Why didn't you find help for yourself? You had no problem finding help for the baby?" _Alistair's softly growled. _"How long is the stupid Bitch of the Wilds going to hover over her; chanting all that damn nonsense?"_**

_The Queen has kept me under lock and key within the Palace. The Weisshaupt Wardens have been looking for me, and if they find me in my current state they will no doubt take the baby from me. I don't want that, I couldn't stand that. To lose my baby, Alistair's child would be more than I could bear._

_I am far too big to be traveling anymore, so leaving to avoid those asreholes from Weisshaupt is out of the question. Carrying out my Commander duties not an option at this point either, thank the Maker that both Anders and Nathaniel have offered to take over the Arling and Warden-Commander duties. I am not sure why I am so blessed with these two wonderful men._

_Zevran has been wonderful as well. He stays by my side when he can, and tells me of his latest adventure. Being a Crow Leader he has plenty of them. How he makes time to keep me company I'll never know. I'm grateful for him, Anders and Nathaniel. Orghren threatens to visit, I always threaten to beat him to a bloody stump if he dares to leave his wife and daughter._

_Arl Eamon, Isolde, and Teagan visit me as well. When I can catch Eamon alone (and if I remember) I ask him about Fiona. He has yet to tell me any more than he already has. Before I can push him on the subject, he changes the topic._

**_"Why is she surprised when people care about her? And why does Eamon change the subject when she asks about that female Warden Fiona?"_ Alistair took a moment's pause and shook his head, perhaps her mind wasn't perceiving things as they really were?**

_Anora has offered to adopt my baby since Fergus and his new wife have refused to do so. Fergus is still angry with me. He believes my state of mind is all in my mind, and refuses to have anything to do with me until I am cured. At least this is what Anora, and Zevran tell me. I've decided to allow it._

_Alistair would hardly agree with my decision, but I can hardly care for myself anymore, much less a baby. Anora has assured me no one will ever know the baby is mine or Alistair's. I have no idea what she plans to tell her advisors, but I'm sure it will be elaborate, confusing and wonderful._

**_"You had to do what is best. While I don't agree with whom you allowed to adopt him, at that point it is appeared to be what was best for everyone."_ Alistair looked at the relationship again. His dead half-brother's wife was raising his son. _"The question that remains is she the best person to raise his son, if Elissa can be made well once again can she live with this choice?"_**

_This baby continually pokes and kicks me, it's rather interesting seeing the ripples across my stomach. Anora sits on my bed for what seems like hours, and simply watches my stomach. It was all rather creepy._

_**"CREEPY, you thought something was creepy? If you did I am sure my skin would have crawled right off my body"**_

* * *

_The darkspawn told me today that I should consider a trip into the deep roads. The Mages told me I need to visit the Anderfelds. If I weren't confined to a bed I would._

_The baby kicks me all day long now. This feeling is so strange and amazing at the same time. I wish Alistair was here to feel the baby kick; I am sure, in this brief moment of clarity that it is a boy. Our son, I hope he looks just like his father._

_**"So was she being poisoned while she was pregnant? When I find out who the Weisshaupt Wardens procured to do the job, they are dead."**_

_Bryce; that is my son's name. I'm not really sure why that name appeared in my mind, but I just knew his name absolutely had to be Bryce. He is as bald as he could be, the midwife tells me that it will change soon enough. His eyes are hazel are the exact shade of Alistair's, looking into them I instantly love him with my whole heart and weep that his father isn't here to see him. Unfortunately Bryce got my pointy chin, of all my traits to inherit it just had to be the chin. As Bryce grows I can only hope that he continues to grow in resemblance to his father and also inherits his heart._

**_"I love your chin, well and the rest of you as well. As soon as you are well again beloved, I will show you once again how much I love that chin!"_**

_Sometimes I forget what Alistair looks like, and other times I can remember him as clear as day. This whole memory lapse is so frustrating. With the state my mind is in lately, I'm afraid soon I will forget him all together. While the rose he gave me is nothing but a withered stem, I saved the petals and dried them. I keep them in a locket so to never forget the first and last man I will ever love._

**_"I thought I was immune to guilt trips, I guess I was wrong about that."_ He thought staring sadly at the paragraph. He didn't remember seeing her with a locket around her neck, but then again he hadn't paid much attention to that region.**

_I'm going back to recruiting soon. The darkspawn tell me I should begin recruiting in Orzammar, but the thought of Nugs everywhere scares me. Ick Nugs_!

_**"Nugs? What is it with those Nugs?"**_

* * *

The Journal ended there. Alistair slowly closed the journal; he stared at the cover thinking about everything he had read over the past few weeks. Each of them had been through their own hell. Her hell was slightly...bloodier than his had been. He only hoped that somehow she could be restored so her hell could finally end, and if at all possible they could find a way to build a future.

Her last few entries made one thing clear. He had made the right decision in bringing her to Morrigan first. She needed help desperately. Hopefully with the help of Flemeth's magic Elissa would finally be herself once again.

He was also curious as to which group was responsible for helping Elissa bring their baby to full term? She did what she needed to do in order to assure their son would be born safely, but who actually had the helping hand?

What happened with her Fiona research? He had never even heard of her, much less knew about a fellow Warden giving birth. "It's not only an amazing thought, but if you continue to think on the subject I will explode." Funny that, how so many times Elissa was the instigator behind his head wanting to explode. A wry smile flickered across his lips at the memory of when he first told her how being near her made his head want to explode.

Even as he was lost in thought, Alistair could still feel someone watching him. He slowly glanced upwards to find Morrigan now hovering over him chanting softly under her breath. He opened his mouth to protest and tell her to stop. She held up a finger, stopping him before he could. Afraid she would turn him into a toad or worse, he complied with her silencing finger.

She scrunched her finger, beckoning him to follow. As if in a trance he followed her silent order. She motioned towards the bed, wordlessly he took a seat on the edge, awaiting Morrigan to finish with her chant. His eyes began to grow heavy with fatigue.

Morrigan heaved a sigh of relief as she finished the chant. "I have done all I can do for now. The actual task of bringing your fellow Warden back to herself is now completely up to you. I ask and suggest that you do not make a mess of this situation as you have everything else involving her. Tis an easy job easy enough for even the dimmest of imbeciles. Which does give me the slightest bit of faith you may be able to do this undertaking successfully."

"What's happening? What are you doing to me?" He croaked groggily.

"Why, I am sending you into her dreams of course, or if you would prefer calling it a Fade I shall not stop you from doing so." She crossed her arms in front of her chest as she watched the Warden-Commander become drowsy." Surely you do not expect me to do all of the work myself? You will do your part to help her as well Warden. I shall explain all other things once you have completed your task." Morrigan chuckled musically, flashing Alistair a rare self appreciative smirk.

He attempted to argue with the witch, but his words came out a jumbled mess. Soon he fell backwards onto Elissa's legs, and was fast asleep.

Morrigan pulled up a chair beside the bed, watching the two Wardens sleep. She hoped she had not make a rash decision in sending Alistair instead of going herself. As much as she did not like the fool, the chances of his success were indeed higher than most who knew Elissa. Why she STILL loved him was a concept she could not fathom.

Before sending Alistair into the Fade, Morrigan decided to take a look for herself. What she saw impressed her more than she cared to admit. It was rare for a typical human to create a fade world (without the help of a demon of course) as detailed and meticulous as Elissa had created. The overexposure to Lyrium over the last few years might have played a part in such a creation, but Morrigan believed help might have been given.

Exactly who's hand played a part in the creation of that fade world remained to be discovered. She was certain that those at fault for her friend's pain would pay. Strange to think how for the affection she held for Elissa she could find herself working with that fool Alistair. In her heart she knew that for the love they both held for Elissa they both would make those responsible pay a heavy price and move the world to return her to herself.

With a deep sigh Morrigan knew that all she could do now was watch and wait.

* * *

A/N: YAY! NO MORE JOURNAL ENTRIES! *Does a happy snoppy dance*

I just HAD to work a fade trip in here somewhere. Anyways Morrigan can't do ALL the work here.

A huge thanks to Linette23 for editing and making sense of this massive chapter. Thanks to everyone who reviews, and added my little story to your lists. You all are wonderfully awesome.


	22. Into her dreams

A strong warm breeze tickling the back of his neck awoke Alistair from his slumber. Slowly he opened his eyes and sat up. The sun blazed directly in his eyes, blinding his vision forcing him to bring up a hand up to shield his eyes.

Once his eyes adjusted to the bright sunlight and his sleepy mind aroused itself he was able to take in his surroundings. What he saw made him chuck his tongue and roll his eyes. The bitch of the wilds had really sent him into Elissa's dream all right. He was hoping that bit had been a really bad dream. Being surrounded by the familiar sights and smells of the Ostagar told him otherwise.

"I really do hate that witch." He groaned as he pushed himself up from the ground and onto his feet. Looking around he found himself in the middle of the bridge connecting the Tower Ishal to the army camp. "Why on earth would Elissa dream this place up?" He asked out loud as he made his way quickly across the bridge and into the camp itself.

At the edge of the camp he paused thoughtfully he raised his left hand intending to run his hand through his hair, only to find his long hair no longer existed. It was much shorter, making such a task rather difficult. Both of his hands flew up towards his chin. His beard and mustache were nothing but short stubble.

"What the hell is this?" He hissed through his teeth. He wasn't sure if this was Morrigan's doing, Elissa's, or his own. It was a mystery fated never to be solved, but bothered him none the less. Although, being able to once again feel the air upon his chin was something of a welcomed change.

Walking into the camp was hard when memories lay around every corner. The bonfire was there, and where he spent most of his nights during their stay at Ostagar. As their duties permitted, the Grey Wardens would gather at Duncan's fire, talking, laughing and sharing stories. He throat constricted thinking of his mentor, friend and surrogate father figure Duncan.

With a deep calming breath he looked around almost expecting to see his brothers on the other side of the fire. Until Elissa arrived there were no female Wardens within the camp. Most of the conversations and stories around that fire involved some epic battle. Alistair was never truly sure of the truthfulness of those stories, if the battle had really taken place, or just how beautiful woman that was left behind. Of course as that virginal Chantry boy his ears burned but he did listen all the same.

The provisions tent was another popular place for the Wardens to gather. Drinking contests were held there; at least that was his fuzzy memory. In fact he couldn't clearly remember the winners of the contests he had participated in as he inevitably passed out long before the final rounds. All of the other Wardens had made fun of his inability to handle his ale. After a time he learned it was much more amusing to watch the others during their drinking contests rather than participate. That way he made fewer visits to the healers for headache remedies the next morning.

The sight of the makeshift Chantry sent shivers down his spine. Too many hours were wasted listening to the revered Mother and "requests" she has chosen specifically for him. All of her "requests" involved delivering some message, or backhanded insult to the Circle of Magi camp.

It was during one such task that he had first met Elissa. Maker's breath he still could see her attempting to hide her smile while he aimed a witty one-liner to the mage. When her smile reached her eyes, his heart skipped a beat. Slowly he shook his head and released the memory. He knew he had a task at hand, and saving the woman he loved was more important than memories.

The lack of humanity was strangely disturbing, and creepy to say the least. But the lack of darkspawn told him that Morrigan had indeed been successful in curing Elissa of the delusions that plagued her. Alistair knew he would have to be careful once he found Elissa, her dream world had drastically changed and how that affected her was yet to be seen.

"Oh hell, what am I going to say to Elissa once I find her?" He came to a stop in front of the quartermaster's shop. He assumed his job was to talk her out of her own self pity, but he had no idea how to talk someone else out of their own self pity. He had barely been able to do so for himself.

"This is so damned strange." He muttered as he continued up to the old tower. "I'll have to figure something out soon." Knowing exactly where she was, he walked up the ramp leading to the run down tower.

"Hello!" He heard her scream. "Not that I miss any of you Nug humpers or anything! But I hate surprise attacks! They never work out for any of you anyways!" She screamed out at the camp. She sat on top of a pillar overlooking the camp, no doubt to allow her the advantage of spotting any approaching darkspawn. Alistair stopped once he reached the middle of the crumbling structure, stood and watched her. "Am I going to have to imagine you all in dresses again? Remember how much you all hated that! You all know I'll do it!"

"Makers breath, but I love her. Even when sane she's strange." A chortle escaped Alistair lips before he could stop it. He soon found himself diving to his left-hand side and dropped to one knee, in order to avoid the dagger being thrown with frightening precision at his neck. She was glaring at him suspiciously as he stood and dusted off his armor.

"That will teach me to sneak up on unsuspecting women." He said as he took a step towards her. Elissa jumped from her perch, landing gracefully several feet away from Alistair. "Sorry." He grinned widely.

"That sword there," She pointing to a broadsword (much like his own in the real world) which suddenly appeared beside his feet. Well the rules of the Fade were different, such things could happen and often did.

"Pick it up." She ordered sternly. Her eyes never leaving his as she took a aggressive stance waiting for him to pick up the sword at his feet, giving her the excuse she needed to spring an attack.

"I am not going to fight you Eli." Alistair said as he kicked the sword back towards the ramp way. Her fingers noticeably tightened around the hilt of her daggers and her jaw clenched in, what Alistair guessed was frustration. "I will not stop you either, if you really want to attack an unarmed man." He hoped he was right, that she was at her core and in the fade the same woman he had known and loved.

"Maker damn it!" She yelled as she threw her daggers to the ground, and angrily marched across the platform towards him, her fist still clinched. Before he could react, she brought up a fist landing a solid right hook across this cheek. The right side of his face exploded in pain. "I've been waiting to do that for a long time!" She yelled at him at the same time she cupped her right hand which was in just as much pain as his face.

"Did it make you feel better?" He asked rubbing his swollen check as it throbbed with pain.

"No, not really. I didn't exactly expect your face to be made of stone." She shook out her right hand in an attempt to bring back some feeling. "I was also kind of hoping for blood and crying."

"If it makes you feel any better my cheek really hurts." He removed his hand to show him the redness and the swelling that was beginning to show on his cheek. "I suppose breaking out into a fit of tears now would just come across as a hollow gesture wouldn't it?"

"No it doesn't make me feel better." She sighed loudly as she inspected his cheek. "I believe it would be rather hollow, but thank you for offering, it's kind of you." She heaved a large and long sigh before sitting herself down on the ground in front of him. "Don't you want to know why I punched you?"

"I know why, and I deserved it. Although I must say I'm shocked, I never thought you would actually punch me."

"Luring one into a false sense of security is key to almost any victory. Zevran and Fergus taught me that." She looked up at him and smiled sadly. "I'm sorry I punched you. I allowed my temper to get the better of me, but Maker damn it Alistair, I saw you and I was suddenly so damned angry."

"I seem to have that effect on a lot of people." He said lowering himself down to the ground beside her. "How did you know..."

Elissa chuckled softly into her hand. "You were really you? Come now Alistair, you know how the Fade works. This is my creation; I know when I've created an image of someone. When you didn't show up wearing a dress and turning into a darkspawn I knew you were really you." He raised a curious brow, but kept silent.

"Why are you here?" She asked quickly changing the subject. He had to think on the question a moment before answering. Morrigan had not exactly been clear about her reasons for sending him.

"I think you know why I'm here Eli." Her sigh told him she did indeed know why. "You can't stay here forever we both know that."

"Alistair, don't take this the wrong way but, why on earth should you care? Aren't you still angry with me?" She cocked her head at him, with a genuine puzzlement on her face.

He shook his head. "No, I'm not." Her head snapped up, her eyes wide with surprise. He chuckled and again shook his head. "That is not a conversation for dreams."

"I'm happy here. I don't have to make any difficult decisions that send people away, no leading, and until recently the talking darkspawn kept me busy. But even they have left me." She brought her legs in hugging them into her body and resting her chin on her knees.

"You mean you're running away?" Alistair was shaken to his core; Elissa running from anything was unthinkable and so unlike her. The pain and anguish she must feel to do this drove home how selfish he had been as he knew his actions in part drove her to this extreme.

"I suppose I am." Elissa shrugged. Alistair pushed himself up from the ground. "Where else would you go if you were slowly losing your mind?"

Without thinking he blurted out, " You wouldn't happen to know who has been giving you Lyrium would you?" he mentally kick himself but there it was and hopefully she might have some insight to the matter.

Elissa smiled sadly at the ground as she answered. "It's not a matter of who Alistair, but who else." She chuckled at his fumbling of words and the look at his face.

"I'm not sure I follow." Alistair's brows met in an expression of confusion.

"Did you not wonder why Isolde is not wandering about Redcliffe Castle, and why the Arl was so willing to take me in once I became ill?"

"I can't say the Arlessa even crossed my mind. I just assumed she was up at the tower visiting Connor."

"Connor escaped from the tower months after he was placed there. The Arlessa blamed me for her son being sent to the tower as a Mage. She I believe, took her revenge as she felt was fitting."

"The Arlessa? Really?" Alistair could hardly keep the surprise out of his voice.

"She was not the only one. But if I remember correctly, she was caught in the kitchens pouring Lyrium into my dinner. More than should have been given to anyone, even a mage who has completely drained all mana. When asked she did not deny her attempt to kill me. She was dragged off to the Fort Drakon by the Queen's order . I had planned on asking for her full pardon, for Connor's and Eamon's sakes, but I became worse before I could take action."

"You suspect there was more than one person involved?" Alistair was dumbfounded at the possibility. If Elissa was right then how could he have been so blind?

"Oh yes, I almost figured out who it was, but my mental health declined quickly thereafter. The Arlessa could not have started giving me Lyrium until after I gave..." Her words trailed, but Alistair knew exactly what she was going to say. She cleared her throat before continuing. "She certainly wasn't the cause of it all, but her attempt upon my life did not help matters any."

They sat in silence for some time. Alistair was the first to speak. "Well, I think you'll be all right now."

"What do you mean?" She demanded. Alistair briefly explained his trip to the circle tower, and Morrigan's offer.

"Wait. Morrigan is here helping me? And you accepted an offer from Morrigan?" Her eyes grew wide with surprise.

"Why wouldn't I? She told me she might be able to cure your mind. I figured it would be best give old magic a try before I took you to the circle." Alistair looked deeply into Elissa's eyes trying to gage where her surprise might emanate from. "I believe it worked, but I'm still taking you up to the cir..." He was cut off when Elissa launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck, hugging him until he thought his ribs would crack.

"Oh thank you! Thank you so much Alistair!" She cried as she buried her face into his neck, hugging him even harder. "You accepted help from the one person you dislike most in the world, and went through the trouble of setting up a place within the circle tower just for me! Oh Alistair, you do care."

"Come back Eli. That is how you can thank me. This place is fine and all, but it's only an illusion." He motioned to their surroundings. "There are people out there in real life who care about you a great deal, who want to see you well again, ME being one of them. But most of all you should come back for yourself. Do something for YOU for a change." He wrapped his arms around Elissa's waist, pulling her hard against his body. "That is whom you should really be doing this for." Being the voice of reason was not a role Alistair was accustomed to playing, but maker it felt wonderful when he knew that Elissa may soon be herself again.

"I love you." She whispered into his ear. Hearing her speak those words, the words that in his heart and soul he so desperately needed to hear brought back familiar warmth. Slipping a hand to cup each cheek, she pulled him closer to her. "When I wake up, I expect you to explain everything to me." She whispered as she caressed his cheeks with her thumbs.

"Of that, my lady, you may count upon." He whispered. She gently wrapped her arms around his neck. Bringing her lips against his, her lips tenderly pressed on his own. Just as he returned her kiss he saw the image of Ostagar slowly melt away, "Isn't that always what happens? Finally come to a good part and I wake up. This plain and simple isn't fair not in the least." He heard Elissa's musical chuckle just before he opened his eyes.

* * *

Groaning in pain, Alistair sat up on the bed gripping his throbbing head. "How long have I been asleep?"

"Two days have come and gone." Morrigan got up from her chair, grabbed a potion and threw it to him. He finished the horrid tasting potion in one gulp. "Did you succeed in convincing her?"

"I believe I did." He said, waiting for the potion to take effect on his splitting headache. "I killed the last demon that sent me into the fade without asking my permission." He smirked, pushing himself off the bed.

Morrigan rolled her eyes. "So dramatic, really Alistair do you think I am as easy to kill as a daemon from the Fade? You have your fellow Warden and the love of your life back once again, would hurt your pride too deeply if you chose to be slightly grateful? "

Alistair knew she was right. "I am grateful; I just don't appreciate being thrown into someone's dream without a bit of warning, and an explanation as to why I am there."

"Tis something I assumed you would figure out on your own. It appears I had assumed correctly." Morrigan raised a single eyebrow almost daring Alistair to contradict her.

"Sorry, Thank you Morrigan. You helped more than I ever thought possible." Alistair stated in a factual tone and was mildly surprised that he was truly grateful to the witch.

"I do not require nor want your appreciation. Tis not a task I did to please you." Morrigan looked at him with a flinty gaze, almost daring him to think otherwise.

"I know" He gathered the sleeping Elissa into his arms before walking outside. Morrigan followed him from a distance. "You have my thanks whether you require it or not."

"Yes, well... " Morrigan stumbled over her words, but quickly recovered. She held out her hand, dropping into his a golden necklace with a large circular pendant on the chain. "She will require a memory charm for a time. A month, perhaps slightly longer."

"Very well," He said lifting Elissa onto his horse's back; He quickly jumped up to keep her from falling. "I hope you are not too insulted if I take her up to the circle tower just to be sure everything is as it should be?"

Morrigan chuckled softly and rolled her eyes. "It matters not to me. I shall take no insult from your suspicion." She waved a dismissive hand. "She will sleep until the Mages within the tower decide to wake her." She assured him. "Be off with you then. Go and gather her loyal followers." With that she transformed into a small yellow bird, and flew off into the distance before he could ask her anything more.

"Just as well. I don't really need to know why she left." He muttered before kicking his horse, and riding hard towards Redcliffe castle.

* * *

On the road Alistair met up with Nathaniel, Zevran and Anders. They had been patrolling the area in hopes of getting news or finding Alistair and Elissa. Nathaniel had informed Alistair the Circle wrote the day after he left. Nathaniel had done his job by writing the circle just as Alistair had instructed him to.

Zevran, Anders, and Nathaniel all bombarded Alistair with questions of his trip, and why Elissa was out cold. He assured them she was fine and should be herself once she awoke, and refused to elaborate on the subject. The three men eventually let the subject drop, convinced they would receive no answer from the Warden-Commander.

After riding in to Redcliffe Alistair saw that Zara was acting quite oddly. He had no doubt she was angry with Alistair for leaving her behind and in a Castle with men she barely knew. He figured a visit with Kyle would snap her out of her anger, or at the very least help redirect that energy that almost seemed to crackle off her skin.

They set off for the tower the very next day. After they arrived at the tower, they were met by two Templars. The Templars took Elissa and carefully brought her up to the room that had been prepared for her; leaving the four men and Zara within the main hall. Alistair cleared his throat.

"I have many matters which require my attention." All three men began speaking at once. Alistair held up his hand silencing them. "I am positive you all can handle things here, and that she will recover in no time at all." He eyed Zara, fixing her with a knowing look. "Make sure you are attending your duties before your pleasures"

Alistair next turned to Nathaniel. "Two weeks." He simply said. Nathaniel chuckled softly and nodded. "The ball will be held at Vigil's keep. Try not to weasel your way out of attending Commander." Nate said.

"I won't. I won't." Alistair heaved a heavy and loud sigh.

"What if she is not well by then?" Anders asked with a sad tone.

"There is no need to worry Anders, I can assure you she will be very much herself by then." Alistair assured the Mage.

Alistair turned to Zara who was glaring at him. "Within three days, then I want you back at the Peak." She nodded before turning on her heels and heading towards Kyle's office.

Alistair motioned for Zevran to follow him out of the Tower.

"Yes my friend?" Zevran lifted a single well shaped eyebrow in a curious look. He wondered what Alistair need to speak to him privately about.

"Where is Lelianna?"

Zevran pretended to think for a moment before answering. "I believe she is one of the keepers of Andraste's ashes. Do you plan on constructing a reunion my friend?"

"In a way I do, but do not breathe a word of it to Elissa."

"It would be rude of me to spoil the surprise. I can assume I will see you in two weeks when you when your welcoming ball is to be held?" Zevran chuckled as Alistair groaned and nodded.

Zevran turned back towards the tower. Once Alistair was on his horse, he rode hard in the direction of Denerim to meet with the Queen. He wanted to be the one to deliver the news of Elissa's recovery. There was also a rather large favor only the Queen's and her seal could provide. Alistair knew it was a favor she would not refuse.

**A/N: I was so tempted to title this chapter : "THE FREAKING CHAPTER FROM HELL!" This was a hard one. Usually when I write I can find a song which sets the mood for the chapter. Of all 2800 songs on my ipod I found ONE. So A massive thanks goes out to my ever wonderful editor Linette23. and Kanas (the band not the state) for they had the song I needed so this chapter could be.**

**Still thinking up ideas for a second story to go along with this one. If anyone has any suggestions I'd love to hear them.  
**


	23. Recovering

**A/N: I will completely admit this "recovery" chapter is a filler chapter that I could seriously not stop writing (On that note it is long.) As in any recovery situation not much happens, other than someone recovering. This chapter just proves how much Alistair really cares about her, as if we didn't all know this. **

**This was not how I originally planed on writing this chapter. During my first version of this story, I had planned on making this point this start of "In his own words." which would be Alistair's own journal like documentation of Elissa's recovery and feelings about what he was witnessing. Instead I decided to bring in Morrigan (by suggestion of one of my readers. I loved the idea of Alistair asking a person he actively loathed for help) and send him off to do more productive things. **

**As usual my thanks to my wonderful Editor Linette23 and to those of you take the time out of your day to review and favorite my story. Thank you! **

**Denerim **

Meeting with the Queen was far less stressful the second time around, and after much contemplation on the subject; Alistair opted for sobriety. He was pleasantly surprised that this method afforded him more control over his mind and mouth, but just barely. This was hardly surprising considering he still had to deal with Anora. Alistair wondered what possessed his half-brother to marry her, given her personality it couldn't have been a love match.

Being appropriately dressed in the standard Warden-Commander blue and gold armor helped bolster his confidence immensely. As a side benefit it also as earned him a series of approving nods from the Queen's advisers and rendered the Queen speechless. Hmmm, worth the effort to leave Anora speechless, YEP!

Queen Anora could hardly believe the man standing before her was the same man she had seen only seven weeks ago. His overall appearance gave off an air of confidence he had not possessed during his last visit, his head held high, shoulders squared, eyes filled with fierce determination. There was no doubt in Anora's mind that if this man had been present during the Landsmeet, he would have easily been King.

She couldn't help comparing him to her husband Cailan. How could two brothers be so different? Granted they both had some of the same traits and there was no denying that they both were incredibly handsome. All Theirin men had traits that could be magnetic.

She had known Maric before he was lost at sea. People flocked to him, women swooned to be close to him and not because he was king. He had the same strength that she now saw in Alistair, well that and his famous luck. Her father had commented on it more than once, that Maric would find a priceless pearl in the middle of a desert because of his luck. It was that luck that brought him out of many adventures.

Cailan, ah well didn't have his father's luck that was for sure. However he did have same impact on women to be sure, even the Empress of Orlais was drawn to him. How that galled her to think how close her marriage and reign as Ferelden's Queen had come to a close.

Shaking her head she returned her thoughts to the man before her. Her cold eyes swept him from head to toe." _Not bad over all if only he would rid himself of the cat growing upon his face."_ She thought to herself, only barely able stop from smirking at her own jest. Clearing her throat and quickly regained her pose, she looked down at Alistair.

"This is a most unexpected visit Commander." Her tone was crisp and cold like a winters morning.

Alistair crossed his arms in front of his chest, saluting the Queen of Ferelden as was her due as monarch. "My apologies for my unannounced visit your Highness, but I bring important news from Redcliffe Castle. I felt it more appropriate to tell you in person rather than a letter." He said keeping his gaze locked on her own. Turning to her advisors she quickly dismissed everyone in the room. She knew that the news must pertain to Elissa and wanted no witnesses until she could process the information. She waited to speak until it was only the two of them in the throne room.

"May I assume you bring news of Warden Cousland?" Anora asked trying her best not to sound overly eager for any news of her friend. Alistair saw through her, with a deep breath he continued.

"Yes my Queen. I am pleased to inform you of her successful treatment. She is at the Circle Tower recovering now as we speak. I believe with time she will recover most of her memories." Even as the words passed, his lips Alistair could hardly keep from grinning. Speaking the words aloud filled him with such relief. Until they were spoken he had not knew how wonderful words could feel. He felt like shouting to the world that his beloved was going to be well once again.

Keeping her emotions under control was harder than Anora could have possibly imagined. She clamped down, she pictured the lessons learned at her father's knee. Show the world nothing, that they didn't need to know. She struggled to suppress the grin and squeal for joy; alas her years of being Queen and hard lessons learned trained her to keep such emotions buried deep. "How long before she has all of her memories returned to her?" Anora atoned in a almost deadpan tone.

Alistair had expected at least some excitement, a smile, smirk, and some kind of hint of an actual human feeling. Her cold demeanor made Alistair thankful he was not King, if this was how royalty handled excellent news of cured friends. He refocused to answer Anora's question, "A complete recovery will take some time, however it should not long before she is with her complete memory." While Alistair could not be certain of the recovery of her complete memory he would not allow doubt to stop him from helping his beloved from becoming herself, whole and complete.

"This is indeed excellent news." Anora said keeping her voice even and cool. Inside she was feeling both excited and nervous from this revelation. She knew that while she wanted Elissa to recover that this could cause untold havoc to her reign as Queen of Ferelden. At that moment, a cold chill passed through her. A foreboding filled her, until she gave herself a mental shake to dispel this feeling as being emotional overwrought with the news.

"Ferelden owes you a debt of gratitude for giving her back its surviving hero."

"Not to impose upon your gratitude, but I do have a rather sizable favor to ask of you." He said. Anora crossed her arms in front of her chest, raising a curious brow. Alistair made his way up the steps leading up to her throne; he handed her a handwritten note. She took the note, reading it over carefully. Doing little to hide her smile that had anyone else witnessed this event they would have had to make note of it as they would an eclipse of the sun. Anora got up from her chair, she carefully stamped a two blank sheet of paper. She then sedately walked back to her chair while handing the pages and the note back to Alistair.

"Twill need to be written out in a more official manner and proof will be required. Tis something I am quite disappointed I did not consider myself."

Alistair was quick to respond "I only considered of it on our way to the Circle tower, but I am glad you agree with me." They shared a rare grin driven by mutual understanding and the affection the both had for Elissa Cousland.

"I must say I am surprised. What changed Commander?" Anora asked her voice dripping with curiosity;

"Of what change do you speak of my Queen?" Alistair smirked enjoying the look of frustration flash across Anora's face. Teasing the Queen was something Alistair could easily make a habit of doing. "Oh, do you mean the whole Commanding business? Well, my Wardens believed I could lead them, so what choice did I have? Moreover, I simply adore filling out endless amounts of paperwork. Thus making Elissa's replacement decisions a win for everyone."

"Your wit will may one day, earn you a place in someone's dungeon Commander." Anora said dully.

"Of that I have no doubt your Highness. Perhaps I should ask Nathaniel Howe how to go about making a dungeon feel more like home." He said, never doubting her words for a moment. If anyone could tell him how to make a dungeon, more comfortable it would no doubt be Nate "or perhaps Anders would know. Being in the Circle tower is almost like a prison."

"Will you kindly cease speaking nonsense?" Anora's words came out as more of a demand than a request.

"I am but your humble servant and since you demanded my silence ever so kindly, how can I do anything but appease you my Queen." He grinned at her obvious annoyance.

"Alistair, must you be so childish?" Anora snapped before she could gain her composure. "You may go now Commander." Anora while waving a dismissive hand she went on to say. "Keep me updated on Warden Cousland's condition. I will see you at Vigil's Keep in a fortnight."

Alistair drew himself up to his full height "I do have one more matter I'd like to discuss with you."

Anora regarded him with her most cold and calculating stare. "What matter would that be, Warden Commander?"

Alistair brought his hand up pretending to inspect his clean fingernails "Bryce is a fairly common name now days, especially in Highever. How did you com..." Nearly knocking over her chair, Anora rushed down the stairs towards Alistair, forcing him to cease speaking. He had struck a nerve just as he had hoped. Placing her hands on his arm, she silently urged him to follow.

"I feel as though I need some fresh air. It would please me if you would accompany me Commander." Anora said the latter through her gritted teeth. They stopped once they reached the Castle gates. "How much do you know?"

Alistair considered the question of, how much do you know. Was it even possible he didn't know the full story? He responded to Anora, playing for time and information. "Is it really necessary to come all the way out here to talk about it?" Alistair raised one eyebrow with the next statement. " It isn't as if your advisers don't know he isn't your blood."

"Even the castle walls have ears Commander. They do not know he is of **your** blood" As she forced herself to pull back her panic she went on to say. "I would prefer to keep them in the dark on such matters. Now tell me Commander; how much do you know of **my** son?"

Alistair sighed softly, as he gave silent thanks that Elissa had not made him King. Paranoia and power grasping would not have suited him well at all. "He is your son by law my Queen not by blood. To answer your question I know everything." He paused to consider for a moment. Observing Anora to see if there were any tell tale signs that he might not know the whole story. Seeing that Anora had resumed her ice queen demeanor he went on to say. "The only thing that confuses me is why you would adopt a child knowing that I am his father. That he is of the Theirin line." Shaking his head and narrowing his eyes to study her again. "I do believe you were at the same Landsmeet. I was the one where I gave up all of my royal rights for my heirs and myself."

Anora face seemed to almost instantly drain of all color. Her eye wide and her lips trembling she forced them to form the words. "I can't...I am not going to give my reasons for adopting my son to you, of all people." She whispered harshly. "I was and still am willing to look past such a...transgression. I have never once thought of him as anyone's child but my own." She said with a mother's fury.

"I'm a transgression now am I?" He teased; the Queen's angered expression told him that he needed to take this situation seriously. "Do not worry yourself, I am not here to whisk him away, or claim him as my own. Eli thought his care best lay with you and I must respect that, but that does not mean I do not wish to know my own son. "

"I am not as cold as you seem to believe." It would have been easier to believe had she not said it with brittle coldness, as deep as winter in the Frostback mountains in her voice and eyes.

"You merely settle for calculating and manipulative then?" Again, he enjoyed the look of annoyance, which passed over Anora's face. "But I suppose Bryce is living proof that any miracle is possible in this day. I will have to see proof of this miracle's existence before I start believing.

"I did not deny Warden Cousland the right to visit him when she was well enough. He believes her to be his Aunt." Alistair wondered how often that Elissa had really been able to see Bryce. Anora broke into Alistair's reverie by continuing on. "It would be not be so difficult as to inform him of his Uncle; just returning from his journey to Orlais." Anora smiled weakly at Alistair, who could hardly hide his surprise and it grew by leaps at her next words. "You may visit him when Elissa does." He had expected never to have any contact close contact with his son. It hurt him to accept that and now Anora offing him the opportunity to know him, be close to him was beyond shocking.

"T... Thank you your highness. That is unusually kind of you." He had expected a fight, now it was his turn to be suspicious.

"You may go now Commander." She ordered dully as she turned upon her heels and quickly walked towards to the castle. She brought up her pale hand above her lips in order to hide her smirk from the guards and Alistair.

"Yes my Queen. Thank you for your time and for these." He held up the sheets of paper before he crossed his arms across his chest, bowed, turned on his heels and quickly left through the palace gates.

Satisfied with how well the meeting had gone, and excited at the thought of being able to get to know his son; he went off in the direction of Wade's emporium and bought himself an outrageously expensive new set of boots and a set of scaled gloves. He would most likely never wear or use them, but it never hurt to have a spare set.

Alistair mounted his horse and set out for his estate. He was in need of a good night's rest before setting out for the Frostback Mountains. "Traveling, traveling, and more fucking traveling. I will have saddle sores by the time I'm done traveling about the damned countryside."

* * *

**The Circle Tower**

An entire day and night have passed with frantic Mages bustled around Elissa's bedside awaiting any change or sign of consciousness. Word quickly spread throughout the tower of her rapid and full recovery. All who heard were amazed at the news. No Mage had ever seen anyone fully recover from Lyrium poisoning

"Did the Warden-Commander tell anyone where he was taking her?" The first Enchanter asked enthusiastically. All three men shook their heads in response.

"It is as much of a mystery to us as it is to you First Enchanter. The Commander was rather angry at the time and would tell no one of where he was taking her." Nathaniel said casting a worried look from Kyle to Elissa. "Is she really going to be all right?" He already knew the answer. He had already asked Kyle fifteen times, but he never tired of hearing that she would be well again.

"Oh for Maker's sake Nathaniel, He's already told you time and time again that she's going to be just fine." Anders said ignoring the deathly glares coming from First Enchanter ignored the bickering men. Keeping his attention completely transfixed on Elissa.

"There is only a faint trace of magic, but for the life of me I could not tell you what kind." The First Enchanter looked to Anders hoping he had answers.

"Me? You're asking me for advice?" The first Enchanter nodded. Anders shrugged, as he was unable to sense much of anything from Elissa. "Honestly I haven't the slightest clue. What little I can sense has no clear definition. I do wish I could sense more" His eyes shifted back to where Elissa lay. "I think we should just be happy we have her back at all. Although I must say, as silly as they were, I will miss our extensive nug conspiracy conversations."

"But just think of how many people could be saved if we knew what it was the cured her." Kyle said excited at the prospect of Lyrium poisoning becoming a thing of the past.

"Worry about one patient at a time First Enchanter." Anders said as he sat down in a chair next to Elissa's bedside. He took her hand tenderly within his own, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. "Selfish woman, why aren't you waking up? Don't you know we're all worried sick?" Anders said quickly followed by a short chuckle as he forced himself to make it sound as if he were joking.

"Anders, my friend, She has just spent the last few years with voices. I believe she may be slightly tired. She will wake once she has all of us worried enough." Zevran clasped the worried Mage on his arm and gave him a reassuring squeeze.

Elissa began smiling and mumbling in her sleep. This was reassuring to all three of her worried companions. Three pairs of eyes were riveted on her lovely face. Each in his own way besotted with her, each longing for the moment when her eyes would open and they could finally be sure she was once again truly with them.

"Gentlemen, the three of you have been up all night. I suggest you all get some sleep, if anything changes I promise all of you will be informed immediately." The first Enchanter said. None of them made any move to leave the room.

"I believe we all would feel more comfortable staying here with her." Zevran said. The First Enchanter shrugged and walked towards the door.

"So be it gentlemen." Kyle said before excusing himself. Another male Mage entered the room in order to keep a watchful eye on Elissa. The three companions did the same, watching over Elissa, awaiting be sure she was as well as Alistair believes her to be.

* * *

**The Frostback Mountains**

Before setting off for the Frostback Mountains Alistair decided to pay Highever and its stubborn Teyrn an unannounced visit. Meeting with Teyrn Fergus Cousland was not nearly as bad as Alistair had expected. Fergus was thrilled and elated to hear of his little sister's recovery.

After getting over the initial awkwardness, Fergus opened up to Alistair. He had not been angry with Elissa for bringing Nathaniel into the Wardens. While Alistair had already assumed this to be the case, he pressed until Fergus finally confessed the whole truth. The event of Howe becoming a Warden merely provided a convenient excuse for him, to express his ever-growing anger for what happened to his wife and child when Rendon Howe took Highever.

The loss of his wife and child became a burning anger inside of him that even the ties of blood could not quench. He felt that Elissa could have done more to protect his wife and son; it was her job to protect them both as he marched the army to Ostagar. The Teyrn knew this line of thought was irrational, but could no more help his anger at the time than the next broken man could.

Fergus assumed Elissa was faking her delusions only to gain his attention and forgiveness. This was why he refused to adopt Bryce. A year ago, his opinion changed, he knew just by looking and speaking with her that she was not faking anything. His guilt has been gnawing at him ever since. To ease his guilt he would visit as often as he could, send money and supplies for all who were caring for her.

When Alistair finally took his leave, he turned to consider the Castle from a distant hill. In his heart and with all his heart, Alistair hoped that Fergus would do the right thing. His patience was rewarded a scant half hour later when the Teyrn took off on horseback, in the direction of the Circle tower. Satisfied with the results, Alistair mentally congratulated himself on a job well done and set out to find Leliana.

The Chantry had thankfully removed all traps set by the crazy cultists in Haven had set. The trials, while challenging were overcome, as his mission was driven by love. Soon he found himself before Andraste's ashes. The experience was just as humbling as he remembered it being from his last visit.

There were Chantry brothers and sisters scattered throughout Haven. Searching for Leliana did not take long since she was the only red haired woman in the area. He found her in the recovered Chantry. She was on her knees praying. How she had found her place was almost as miraculous as the story of Andraste herself. Who would have thought a former Bard would become such a devout sister of the Chantry?

Alistair was quick to approach Leliana, using every ounce of stealth he had learned. He quickly leaned down and whispered in her ear. "I don't suppose this sister could take a moment to chat with an old friend?" The back of her head nearly collided with his face as she quickly stood and turned towards him. She gasped loudly, and eyes grew wide with surprise at the sight of him.

"Alistair? Surely that cannot be you!" A wide smile spread across her lips.

"I'm afraid so." She leaped up wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him. He chuckled at her enthusiasm as he hugged her back.

"Maker's Breath, Alistair!" She laughed as her eyes swept over him from head to toe. Her nose crinkled slightly as her eyes stopped upon his chin. "By Andraste Ashes, Alistair, what is that growing on your face?"

"It's much easier to keep my face warm during the cold nights when I grow my pets on my face." Alistair answered with a wry grin on his face. "Not o mention it saves on winter armor."

Leliana chuckled into her hand. "Ever the same I see." She paused as she glanced at his armor. "If I am not mistaken that is Warden armor you are wearing is it not?"

"It is in fact, I'm leading the Warden's of Ferelden." He said blushing slightly.

"Y... You're leading the Wardens?" Leliana stammered showing a marked level of shock on her face.

"I'm aware you are in a cave and all, but I didn't realize there was such an echo in here." He grinned widely as she rolled her eyes.

"I thought Elissa was leading the Wardens." A sudden sadness crept into her eyes. Guilt gnawed at her insides, as it had for the past three years where she had devoted her life fully to her duties. The Chantry life so appealing after the hard reality of the blight.

He urged her to follow him away from prying ears. She led him to the Mountain Bridge where they had fought the High Dragon years before. "She was the Warden-Commander, but she fell ill. After a time she was unable to carry out her duties."

"Oh Maker's breath," Leliana sighed guilt rising from the pit of her stomach. "You know the most of us left after the final battle." Alistair nodded. "We were so angry with her after the choice she had made at the Landsmeet. If I only I hadn't left." Tears flowed freely down her cheeks.

"Lel, I appreciate the fact that most of you were angry on my behalf. Nevertheless, what happened at the Landsmeet concerned no one else but Elissa and me. It would not have mattered if we ALL stayed by her side. I have the feeling she would have been poisoned anyway." He went on to tell her of his time in Orlais, how he came back into Ferelden, of Elissa's condition and of her recovery.

She breathed a sigh of relief. "You were really able to forgive her?"

Alistair smiled and nodded. "Yes I have, and honestly I'm surprised at how easy it was. How much better letting go of the bitterness made me feel. I have come to see her side, of events as well" Alistair knew this might not have been possible without Elissa's journals. They gave him the insight to see his actions and reactions from a different perspective. "I think, I finally understand why it is Elissa chooses to be so forgiving. She would forgive us, if roles were reversed."

"Indeed." Leliana agreed quickly. "I was amazed that she could be so forgiving, yet at the same time so ruthless. She would have made a wonderful Bard in Orlais." A smile broke out across Leliana's lips.

"Now that is a truly frightening thought." Alistair shuddered. "However, I'm afraid I must change the subject. I came here to invite you to my Welcoming Ball. I believe Elissa would be happy to see you. It will also give you a chance to buy a new pair of shoes, and a dress." A hint of a smirk crossed his warm lips as he uttered that phrase. He knew that Leliana would find an excuse to purchase new shoes at the drop of a leaf. An instant later confirmation sprung from Leliana's own lips.

"Alistair, a woman does not need an excuse to buy shoes. Merely surviving the day, and breathing gives me an excuse I need to buy a new pair of shoes."

"You have my deepest apologies. I had no idea shoes were such serious business." With a deep bow he hid his mirth at her obsession with shoes.

"Now you are more educated in such matters." She smiled and giggled as Alistair rolled his eyes. He would never understand women and their obsession with expensive shoes they would only wear once or twice in their entire life span. "I will be happy to attend. First tell me do you think Elissa would see me if I were to visit her?"

"Why in Thedas are you asking me? I am no mind reader; you'll just have to find out for yourself."

"You have changed Alistair. Not only in appearance, but you are stronger here." She pointed to his heart. "And in here." She pointed to his head. "Do not let anyone tell you differently."

"I would not jump to conclusions on the state of my mind just yet. I believe it's just as dull as ever." Alistiar's glee was reflected in his warm hazel eyes. Just a twinkle of amusement at his jest reached his lips.

She rolled her eyes and asked him to follow her down the Mountain. "Alistair, won't you stay for tonight at least? I would be most interested in hearing your opinion of Val Royeaux." With a heartfelt sigh she said: "Oh how I miss Val Royeaux. Tell me what the latest fashion among the nobles is?" Her eyes were wide and misty as she apparently expected a detailed response from Alistair.

"You aren't seriously asking me about fashion?" He said following her towards the village of Haven. "I don't even pay attention to the Ferelden's version of fashion."

"Some men pay very close attention to fashion." Leliana pointed out.

"It should be rather obvious by the way I'm dressed, I am not one of them." He said looking at Leliana as if she had suddenly sprouted a second head.

"Very well then, stay the night and tell me of your time in Val Royeaux. It has been so long since I have seen you. I want to hear of all your adventures."

Finally giving in to the Bard's request, Alistair stayed the night in Haven. It was a sleepless night for the former companions. The two stayed up most of night speaking of Orlais, Elissa, of old and new adventures and of Alistair's time in Orlais. Well at least the time in Orlais that he remembered and wasn't completely ashamed of.

Tired and hardly in any condition to travel, Alistair decided on staying for one more day, it was a decision that did not bother Leliana in the slightest. As any Bard could tell you, there were always more stories to be shared.

* * *

**The Tower Circle**

"Why is she not awake yet?" Fergus asked the Mage standing watch.

"I do not know Teyrn Cousland." The Mage flinched as he spoke, not wanting to bring the wrath one of Ferelden's nobles down on his head.

"Oh, sit down Fergus. You know that yelling at the Mages will not wake her any faster." Nathaniel stated in an exasperated tone. Fergus nodded and dropped to the seat next to Elissa's bed. "We are all on edge Fergus." Nate assured the Teyrn who nodded in return. At that moment the door near burst open, Kyle moved quickly to Elissa's side.

"That can be remedied right now gentlemen. Thankfully who ever helped her, also made it remarkably easy to wake her. We have finally found the answer we have sought." Kyle leaned down and whispered something into Elissa's ear.

"What did you say to her? Why is she not waking up?" Fergus nervously asked. As if on cue Elissa groaned as she turned towards the sound of her brother's voice.

"Good Maker Fergus, must you whine so loudly." She groaned as she struggled to sit up. As she wiped the sleep from her eyes, she looked about the room. After allowing herself time to adjust and evaluate her new surroundings. "I'm in the Circle Tower right?" She asked looking at Kyle who nodded.

Fergus rushed forward and pulled his sister into a tight almost rib cracking hug. Elissa was shocked beyond words. Last, she could remember he was still angry at her for recruiting Nathaniel. She wrapped her arms around her brother's neck, hugging him back just as hard. "I have missed you too my dear brother." Tears filled her eyes as the weight of her brother's distance fell away. Once again her blood embraced her and her heart flew like a bird taking flight.

"You actually remember me?" Fergus teased as they pulled away from one another. Elissa reached out and punched her brother on the arm playfully.

"That could change at any moment dear brother." She threatened with a smirk. "My dearest Fergus, why are you here?

"Maker's breath, I can't believe she's really going to be all right." Ander's said breathing out a sigh of relief. Once Fergus released her, Elissa looked up and over at Zevran, Nathaniel and Anders.

"You three brave men weren't seriously worried were you?" She teased. She wanted to hug every one of them, and thank them profusely for caring for her. The last three years were hazy, but she knew them and knew they had taken it upon themselves to see she was cared for in a way that only true friends would. For that she would be forever in their debt and grateful.

Anders chuckled as he waved a dismissive hand in front of his face. "No! No we weren't worried at all. I knew my love would come back to me." A playful smirk played about his mouth. As she looked at him she was stuck by his resemblance to Alistair. With a shake of her head she quipped back at Anders.

"Your love? Did you meet someone?" Elissa's eyes grew wide with excitement. All three men rolled their eyes in amusement.

"He means you, dolt!" Nathaniel said chuckling softly.

"Oh, sorry." Elissa giggled and shook her head. "Not even in your wildest dreams Anders." She leaned forward and kissed his hand chastely with a slight smirk covering her lips.

Anders heaved a disappointed sigh. "So it shall forever be our forbidden love is restricted to my wildest fantasies." Elissa's giggles filled the room as his exaggerated sighs continued.

"That was almost poetic my friend." Zevran said sounding slightly impressed that Anders could come up with a poetic response. After all Ferelden's couldn't hold a candle to Antivia's for waxing poetic. Anders smirked warmed his features and then he shrugged.

"There is always a poem burning within the depths of my soul, especially for a woman as lovely as our Elissa." He dramatically grabbed Elissa's hand. Elissa gasped for a breath, however was finding this a task difficult through the constant giggling.

"What interesting company you keep my dear sister, each of them just as silly as you are." Fergus told his giggling sister. A thoughtful smile played across Fergus's lips. Looking at her now reminded him of when she was little. He could say nearly anything, and she would laugh as if he had just said the funniest thing in all of Ferelden. "Even the new Warden-Commander is slightly cheeky, but a good man. He is the one who told me where you were. "

Elissa's giggling slowly stopped. She looked at her brother; curiosity glistened within her eyes. "New? The new Warden-Commander?" She looked over at Nathaniel her curiosity was now concerned. "How long did you wait to bring him here?" She demanded. Nathaniel looked away from her intensely accusing stare.

"You were officially retired by the Queen eight months ago. Anders and I were acting as your caretakers, Arl and Warden-Commander. I asked the Queen a month and a half ago for permission to allow Alistair back into Ferelden as the new Warden-Commander." Keeping his eyes averted so not to meet baneful glare. Nathaniel got up from the end of her bed, and stood across the room.

Elissa heaved a heavy and long sigh so to claim herself. "I am disappointed you waited so long to bring him here. But I thank you for eventually bringing him here." She smiled at Nate, reassuring him all was well. "Was I right about him?"

Both Anders and Nate looked at one another and nodded at the same time. "Yes, he's every bit the leader you said he would be."

At that, Elissa smile was wide with pride. "I knew it; he just needed to know it as well." She looked about the room. "Why is he not here?"

"Oh he said something about traveling before his stupid ball." Fergus said. "His words not mine." He quickly added.

A disappointed Elissa sighed loudly as she settled back onto her pillow and closed her eyes. "You promised you would explain everything when I woke up." She muttered under her breath.

"What was that my dear?" Anders inquired. She shook her head and was once again lost in thought. Which was no easy task, after three years of constantly listening to the voices of others ringing through her mind? Having thoughts all to herself again was almost foreign, but a rather welcome change.

With no warning Elissa attempted to bolt from her bed. All five men rushed forward at as if one to push her back into bed. Kind and loving hands pressed her backwards into the soft comfort of the bed. With a impatient tone she asked: "Kyle, when can I leave?"

The First Enchanter obviously taken back by the question, thought carefully for a moment before answering. "I prefer that you not leave for at least another day or two."

Elissa fought hard against the men holding her to her bed. "No! Let me up, I have to go!" She spat angrily.

Kyle motioned for Anders to strap in the arm he was holding. Without hesitation, he strapped her right arm to the bed, Anders and Nathaniel strapped in her legs, while Kyle and Fergus worked on her left arm. "Damn it Elissa." Fergus hissed furiously. "What is so bloody important that you can't wait two days to take care of?"

Elissa struggled for freedom, knowing that she had to try to leave. With Kyle in the room she knew that even if she were so inclined to give her reasons she could not. Fighting hard against the straps, she twisted body parts in and attempt to escape. After several seconds, it finally sunk in that, she was not going anywhere today and certainly not able to break the restraints. "I am sorry everyone, my business can of course wait another day or two." Exhaustion crashed down on her, enveloping her as completely as if she had dove off the cliffs if Highever into the great depth of the sea.

It was impossible to keep the exhaustion from her voice. "Makers ass! How can I be tired again?"

Much to everyone's relief, she gave in to her exhaustion and fell asleep. She happily dreamt of nothingness. The other men in the room filed out of her room and quickly followed Elissa's lead and found their own restful sleep.


	24. Hell hath no fury like Elissa scorned

**A/N: Most of the open ended questions are hopefully answered here. Only one more chapter left!So after 24 dramatic chapters, and NOW you all get some violence along with some smut (not at the same time though. Just to clarify ). it's short, but hopefully it's tasteful smut. Wow. there is two words you never see together, tasteful and smut. It's tasteful clean up and the rest of the chapter clean up is all due to my wonderful editor Linette23. YAY FOR HAVING AN AWESOME EDITOR! Thanks to all of you who take the time out of your day to read my story.  
**

**Soldier's Peak**

After spending two nearly sleepless nights of swapping stories to catch up with Leliana; the former companions said their goodbyes. Alistair's Warden-Commander duties were waiting his attention. Maker help him, with a deep sigh he jerked the horse's reigns towards the Soldiers peak and placed his spurs to the flanks of his mount.

The urge to see Elissa, if only to make sure she was well, was overwhelming. Circle tower wasn't so very far, perhaps…no. He clamped down his will and tried to reason. In his heart he knew she would be fine, however much he needed and wanted to see her. It was a driving need as much as his lungs needed air.

Elissa, he believed, could live with or without him by her side. She had Nathaniel, Zevran, Anders and Fergus to watching over her and caring for her. Not that the woman couldn't live without them as well.

He had been neglecting his Warden duties much too long. In his mind he started to justify a trip to the tower. He reasoned that while he was at the tower he could look for recruits. He knew it was a weak logic for the stop, but what could he do. He loved her. With one last shake of his head he brought himself back to the present and getting to the Peak and his duties.

Alistair had been reading through endless amounts of requests from the nobility of Ferelden. Many of these requests were begging for a personal appearance. Those requests were enough to make his skin crawl and his stomach clench. Other missives were with regards to donations for repairs on Vigil's keep, weapons and armor for the Ferelden Warden population, the list of chores was nearly never ending.

He soon found himself spending afternoons training with his Wardens, observing their sparing. The majority of his days and all of his evenings were spent sitting behind a desk with a paper stack at least several miles high. There were moments when he could almost swear it inched higher between blinks of his eyes.

"Oh Maker, if you have any heart at all for any of your children, would you kindly make all of this paper disappear? A lightning bolt will do, perhaps a spontaneous fire?" Right, like that was going to happen. "Where is a Mage when I really need one?" He found himself mumbling as he read through Vigil Keep expense reports and fortification details for the Peak. Once words began blending together he knew it was time to call it a night.

The next day was very much the same as the previous one: resisting the urge to venture down to the Circle Tower to check on Elissa, training with the other Wardens, eating, and filing through massive amounts of paper work.

"I miss fighting the darkspawn." Alistair sighed as he rested his face in his hands. "At least **they** had the decency not to bury me in paperwork."

As he kept sorting the requests from nobility he was appalled at what seemed to be a growing trend. Marriage requests seemed to be flooding in from all corners. Most of these made Alistair want to gag, others made him want to burst out laughing. In the end it was all the same: everyone wanting something he could not or would not provide.

Just as he opened yet another letter when his door flew open. A breathless Nathaniel burst through the door. "She came straight here from the Circle tower. The three of us were barely able to keep up with her." With a huge gulp of air Nate continued. "And Alistair, she's armed with a broadsword." He said though his belabored breathing. Alistair quickly rose from his chair, following Nathaniel out the door. "She's angry."

"No, if she has a sword of any kind that would mean she is furious." Alistair temporized as he stood up behind his desk, moving towards Nathaniel and the door.

As both men moved with purpose, Nate looked at Alistair and stated. "To be honest I wasn't even aware she knew how to use one."

"Oh she does, just not very well. Give her something sharp and the woman can do damage." Alistair was now picking up speed, not even glancing to see if Nathanial was keeping up. The two caught sight of Elissa, Anders and Zevran shortly afterwards. They were just making their way across the bridge and heading towards Avernus' laboratory tower.

Alistair made sure to stay far enough behind the group to where he would not easily be seen by Elissa unless she turned around. He wasn't sure why he felt the urge to hide from her, however with a broadsword near to hand; he wanted to see what her purpose was first.

Stopping just outside of Avernus' door, Elissa reached around her back making sure her sword was still in its sheath. Both Elissa and Anders shared a knowing glance just before Elissa opened the large doors. At the urging of Nathaniel, Alistair carefully walked towards the door, peering into the large room.

It still smelled of blood and decay. This is why Alistair never bothered to check on the old Blood Mage, he had assumed the old bugger was long dead by now. "I should have known that **thing** would still be alive." Alistair sneered under his breath. His companion was quick to silence him.

Avernus stood on his large platform, hovering over his research journal, quill in hand and writing vigorously. "Who goes there?" Avernus demanded without looking up from his books. "I am in no mood for conversing with fools."

"'I suppose I am a fool for coming to speak with you, Avernus." Elissa said her voice was full of cheerful sarcasm. The old Mage dropped his quill, and slowly looked up at Elissa as if he were looking at a ghost, or a very large scary fade daemon.

Elissa went on, stepping lightly over a large dried bloodstain on the floor. "My mind is exceedingly quiet since I was able to rid myself of your obsessive blathering. I suppose in sick and twisted way I actually miss the sound of your voice." She narrowed her eyes as she continued to stalk towards the shocked Mage.

"How are y…..you are supposed to be…." His words fumbled, but the meaning was clear. Elissa grinned, waiting for him to form a full sentence.

"I'm supposed to be what? Tell me what I'm supposed to be Avernus?" She prompted as she folded her arms in front of her chest, and patiently awaited the old Mage's response. Slowly as seconds ticked by Avernus demeanor shifted, and a cold mask once again descended upon his features.

"You are supposed to be dead." The indifference in his voice sent a shiver down everyone spine except for Elissa. "No one can survive that much poison." His ancient voice atoned, with a ring of certainty.

Elissa merely laughed at the old Mage's words. "If you wanted to kill me, you would have done so three years ago." She stopped laughing, glaring coldly at Avernus. "No, you wanted me to suffer. What baffles me is how were you were able to obtain my blood?"

"It was you who did this!" Nathaniel bellowed rage filling his voice and heart like a flood. He surged forward from the doorway where he and Alistair had been observing. Every muscle tensed with outrage for the suffering Elissa had endured. With a swift move, Alistair placed a heavy hand on his shoulder, pulling him back to the doorway.

"All of us would like nothing more than to slide a sword into that bastard until he's nothing but another puddle of blood on this floor." Alistair hissed in Nathaniel's ear. "Nate, this is not our fight. We have to leave it to her, it is Elissa's right." He felt some of the tension ease from Nathaniel's body. For several more seconds he did not move, only letting go when he was sure Nate would not be overwhelmed by the rage. Andraste's flaming sword, he felt the same way, however he knew if Elissa didn't own this, she would never be complete.

"You are more intelligent than they gave you credit for my dear girl." Avernus smiled bitterly at Elissa. Both Anders and Alistair felt the air in the room change slightly. Before Avernus could work whatever magic he intended working on, Anders froze him in place from the neck down.

"Thank you kindly Anders." She glanced back giving Anders an appreciative nod before starting up the platform stairs. In a methodical search she started throwing cabinets open moving the contents around to expose all.

"He's lucky I didn't fry his arse to a crisp instead." Anders muttered under his breath. "They? Who are you talking about?"

"To answer your question my dear girl," Ignoring Anders question completely, Avernus smiled smugly at Elissa. "Coming across your blood was not hard. After you so rudely halted my research during your first visit, I searched the Peak and found your blood everywhere. That Fade spirit must have put up quite the fight did it not?" She followed his gaze towards a collection of vials on top of a table.

"You preserved my blood in a makeshift phylactery?" She inspected the collection of vials, all of them were filled with blood and each had a different name on written across the vial. "That would explain how you were able to poison me without being anywhere near me, or send someone to do your dirty work." Elissa began dropping each vial of blood onto the floor, smashing them beneath her boot.

In a fit of rage Avernus struggled against his icy bonds, but to no avail. "Sorry to be destroying your research again, but I rather not go back to hearing your voice along with the darkspawn in my brain all day and night." After dumping and destroying each vial, she went back to search through his documents and books.

"Why would you do such a thing?" Anders asked confused as to why anyone would want to hurt someone as kind as Elissa.

"I barred him for testing his taint research on living Wardens. He was most likely frustrated and seething in hatred when the Anderfels Wardens approached him. I doubt they had to offer him much in the way of payment for poisoning me." She said in a matter of fact tone.

"You have it all figured out don't you child?" Avernus heaved a heavy and long sigh as he watched her tearing through his notes and books. "Might I ask why you feel the need to ruin my collection of books and documents?"

"If you were meant to know, I would tell you." Elissa's tone was cool and calm. One would almost assume she was speaking to a reasonable person instead of a blood mage hundreds of years old capable of atrocities.

"I should have killed you a year ago; it would have saved me so many wasted research hours." Avernus's stated blandly. His eyes swept up and down Elissa with apparent indifference to the reaction her companions were exhibiting.

Now it was Zevran's turn to hold back both Nathaniel and Alistair. "Remember your own words my friend." He whispered in Alistair's ear. Having his own words used against him did little to calm the growing fury. "Death is far too good for him." He growled angrily. No one disagreed with the assessment.

Anders voiced the question that was on several minds. "How do you know the Wardens approached him for help?"

"No other group that I can think of hates me as much as they do. I'm a thorn and they can't pull my strings like a puppet waiting to carry out their every whim." She crouched down ransacking the cabinets below the tables.

Avernus was looking intently at the cabinets and the apparent chaos Elissa was causing. "Perhaps I can help you child. Tell me what you seek I will tell you exactly where it is." Avernus's offer fell upon deaf ears as Elissa continued her search.

Combing through the cabinets Elissa pulled out a white scroll. Carefully she unrolled and read its contents. Her head snapped up, her eyes filled with a cold hate no one present had seen before. Her companions each took a step backwards.

She threw the scroll at Anders who caught it with great ease. Marching up to Avernus, her face inches from his. "Did you use mine or did they send their own?" She hissed in his face, he gave no indication of being intimidated by her anger. Smirking he motioned towards the cages hanging throughout the room. Glancing at the cages Elissa soon had her answer.

"Does it really matter?" Avernus sneered smugly in her face.

"No, I suppose it doesn't much matter." Slowly the shadow rage left her beautiful face as she gained control of her emotions, she took a step away from Avernus, she glanced out at Anders. "Please unfreeze him Anders." She requested in a almost too soft tone. Hesitantly Anders unfroze the Blood Mage.

"I thank you for allowing me the freedom to move." He said as he rubbed feeling into his arms. "However, I grow weary of this conversation Warden Commander."

"I would be more than happy to cut our conversation short. Unlike you, I believe it wrong to kill an incapacitated man, although I hardly believe you qualify as a man." Elissa calmly stated to the Blood Mage. He opened his mouth, but Elissa was no longer interested in any excuse Avernus had to give. No matter what angle she looked at the situation she couldn't justify the actions he had taken. She would not change her opinion of the Mage. The thing standing before her was a monster as sure as the darkspawn were.

No one saw as she unsheathed her broadsword since all attention was upon Avernus, as he muttered a spell under his breath and retrieved a dagger hidden within his robes. Before either Anders or Alistair could act, Elissa was baring down on the Blood Mage. Avernus was in mid-spell casting when she raised her sword high and swiftly brought it down upon the old Mage's neck.

The sharp blade sliced through Avernus's thin neck and bones with ease. A look of shock and horror filled Avernus's eyes as his head tipped forward and fell from his neck. All watched his head as it rolled across the room, bounced against a wall and stopped just under a prisoner cage. His headless body collapsed heavily to the floor, blood spurting profusely from his neck as his heart continued to beat for several seconds. Anders took a step backwards to avoid blood stained robes.

"Maker damn it Elissa!" Nathaniel yelled as he moved further into the chamber. Elissa did not turn at his outburst, instead she continued to watch Avernus's headless body as his blood stained the floor. "He could have given us more information! He was the only lead we had to the Weisshaupt Warden's involvement in all this!" A look of true shock colored

Nathaniel's face for the lost opportunity. In his heart he wanted revenge for the wrong done to Elissa. His noble heart was outraged at the suffering she had endured all this time. The price she had paid for the actions of the Blood Mage and the Weisshaupt Wardens. He didn't even realize that the depth of emotion colored his voice as it raised it to a shout.

"Stop yelling at me Nathaniel." She demanded sharply as she finally tore herself from the sight of Avernus's body. Fixing Nate with a pointed glance, she pointed to the scroll in Ander's hands. "All the proof you will ever need is in that scroll. Do you truly believe that I would have ended his life if I thought he would serve a purpose still?"

Anders was already reading the scroll, his tan face growing pale and eyes growing wider with every word read. He glanced up at Elissa baffled "How can they sleep at night knowing they've agreed to such a disgusting plan?"

"I'm sure they sleep fairly well." Elissa muttered and sneered. In her heart she added, better than I have for the last few years.

"Would you tell us what it says Anders?" Nathaniel urged as he glanced between Elissa and the scroll.

He tossed the scroll back to Elissa who caught it and began neatly rolling it up. "The Wardens gave Avernus permission to continue his taint research, even giving him permission to use any Warden within the Peak as long as did not raise suspicion. The Anderfels Wardens promised they would look the other way when it came to his experiments if he could find a way to use blood magic to silence Warden Cousland, permanently if he deemed it necessary."

"I don't mean to sound callous or uncaring, but I am surprised the Anderfels Wardens would be stupid enough to leave a paper trail. They come across as the type who makes verbal contracts." Nathaniel said thoughtfully.

"Avernus may be many things my friend, but unintelligent is not one of them." Zevran said from the door way. "If he was to be caught, he was not going to be the only party at fault. I'm rather impressed by his foresight."

"I am disturbed that, even in death he can impress someone with all of his evil." Alistair whispered harshly behind Zevran.

"Why did you not show yourself sooner Warden Commander?" Zevran asked looking over his shoulder. "Although if you had I would have expected the two of you to be locked within a chamber by now, with sounds of…"

Alistair held up his hand. "Stop right there Zevran. You make the two of us sound like a pair unable to control ourselves, or our urges." Alistair waited a smart comment or at least a chuckle. None came; Zevran merely arched a curious brow.

"If you wish to keep yourself from her sight I suggest you hide." Zev whispered. Alistair nodded and slipped into a nearby alcove. He knew exactly why he was hiding and he deemed it the stupidest reason in all of Ferelden. It wasn't because she had just killed a man out of anger, he had seen her do such things during their travels. He was embarrassed of his appearance. She preferred men with short hair and stubble, and here he was a furry mess. He decided to wait until the ball, or at least until he could break away to Denerim to find a decent man to cut and shave him.

"Why didn't I do that while I was actually in Denerim?" He muttered under his breath. He watched as Elissa, followed closely by Nathaniel, Zevran and Anders trailing behind.

"Burn it." Elissa called back behind her shoulder to Anders. He stopped dead just outside of the alcove Alistair was hiding within.

"Elissa, I hate to remind you, but that is hardly your discussion to make." Ander stated. Alistair gained Anders attention from the shadows of the alcove. Alistair nodded at the Mage, letting him know he should follow her order. "However, if you think it best Commander" He spun on his heel and went back to Avernus's laboratory. Opening the large door only slightly as he conjured up a rather sizable fireball threw it into the middle of the room and quickly shut the door. A series of explosions followed as all of Avernus's taint research went up in flames.

As Anders returned to her side, Elissa said in a jovial tone. "I know it's not my place to give orders anymore. I thank you Anders for humoring me one last time." She smiled at the Mage, who smiled back with warmth and affection. "Does anyone know where Alistair might be? Perhaps I should check the in the old Warden Commanders office?" She asked the group.

Being the smart Mage that he is, Anders assumed the reason for Alistair's hiding places was to not be seen by Elissa. "You could check there, but he has been busy recruiting as of late. I believe it might be best to save a reunion until the ball." Anders suggested.

"So be it." She said with a heartfelt sigh before she and her three companions left for the main gate. She could wait, but she didn't like to have to wait any longer after all this time. A trace of a smile graced her full lips as her eyes sparkled with mischief.

He waited several moments before leaving his hiding spot to trudge back to the Commanders office. Alistair felt horrible for hiding from her. He looked out the window; catching sight of several horses leave through the archway. Heaving a heavy sigh, he lowered himself into his chair, attempting to drown his guilt in paper work. After an hour he gave up and left for his quarters. Completely unaware he was being watched from afar.

* * *

The sound of his door being slowly opened was enough to perk his ears. He listened as the sound of almost silent footsteps neared his bed. He heart pounded as he strived to control his breathing to continue to feign sleep. Slowly he reached under his pillow to retrieve a dagger. A strong slender hand gripped his arm, pinning against the bed before he could grasp the hilt of the dagger. The intruder chuckled softly in his ear.

"If I wished you dead, you would have been so the moment I entered your room, Commander." Elissa purred seductively in his ear. She let go of his arm and proceeded to sit beside him on the edge of his bed.

His heartbeat accelerated with excitement at the sound of her voice, and the soft very distinct scent that was Elissa his true love. He somehow managed to keep his voice even yet playful, despite the anxiety he felt, "Of that I have no doubt, my love. But what other reason would a skilled fighter such as you have for entering a man's bed chamber in the middle of the night pray tell?" He teased. When she did not answer he looked over his shoulder. "Eli?"

Even in the dim chamber he could see the sadness reflected in her eyes. It was heartbreaking, but it also told him why she was here. "I'm sorry; I should have waited until morning." She started to get up from his bed, he caught her wrist before she could stand, pulling her back down towards his bed.

Alistair gave her had a warm reassuring squeeze. "I must say I believe this conversation could have waited until morning, but you're here, I'm awake and willing to listen." He was surprised at the warmth and longing that crept into his voice. He reasoned he should have made his tone neutral, however her proximity made that nearly impossible.

Her voice quivered as she spoke. "After that disgusting Landsmeet I never expected to see you again, even though…" Her voice broke with a pain that tore at Alistair's heart. "I desperately wanted to. So I sent you a letter explaining the things I couldn't tell you in person, even though I** should** have told you in person, but you never responded. It made me so furious when you didn't answer my letter, even to tell me off." She paused as tears began stinging her eyes.

"I should have told you about our child, Bryce, when I was in Orlais. I wanted to…intended to tell you, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Things only went downhill from there, but really I am so sorry I didn't have the courage to tell you what needed to be said, and for driving you away!" Her voice cracked with sobs that were so full of heart rending sorrow that it would have moved the very stone of the keep.

Alistair knew she meant every word, as he pulled her into his body pressing her firmly against him. His arms wrapped around her sought to comfort her. His hands were stroking her back and hair with infinite tenderness. He wanted to ease the hurt in her heart, for every pain she had felt was equally his responsibility.

"Shhh my love." He whispered into her hair. "I forgave you a long time ago, and about that letter; I received it a week ago."

"What?" She asked meekly as she pushed away from his bare chest. "I sent that letter off with Zevran three years ago."

"Eli, three years ago, I was a bitter mess. Zevran was right not to give me your letter until he was sure I could handle what it said. Don't be angry with him for doing the right thing." Hardly able to believe his words, she nodded. "Had I know you were pregnant I would have come back in a heartbeat, the Queen and her order of execution be damned. Nothing in all of Thedas would have kept me from your side and that of our child."

He tenderly brushed away a tear from her cheek. Elissa closed her eyes, her face pressing against his hand seeking to extend the contact. "After all the pain you have suffered, you still came back to help me." She whispered softly turning her face to gently kiss his hand. She turned her body around towards him, propping herself up on her knees in front of Alistair.

He was finding it nearly impossible to ignore his growing desire for her. Nothing short of a blight, or her refusal would stop him from being with her tonight. He needed her more than ever. He knew that he wanted to help ease the hurt with the love he had to offer. While he still did not feel truly worthy of this glorious woman, he knew in his heart that with every breath he took he would try to become worthy of her.

The very same thought entered Elissa's mind at the same moment. Her eyes were soft and full of passion. The intense look on Alistair's face caused her hear to skip a beat and her breath to catch in her throat. Her finger tips gently caressed his face, tracing his beautiful lips. It was hard to take her eyes from his face with the look of longing in his eyes.

"I never could leave you alone." He whispered as his thumb tracing the line of her jaw. He tilted her head upwards, allowing his lips to hover a hairs breath above Elissa's full lips.

"Being in love with the right woman compels a man do things he never imagine he would do for anyone." He could have gone on whispering his feelings; instead he brought his lips down hungrily over Elissa's. A small whimper escaped her as her own lips met his with the same urgency and hunger.

Without breaking away from the kiss, Alistair wrapped his arms about her waist, gently guiding and drawing her onto his lap. On her knees she straddled his bare torso. His nakedness did not surprise Elissa in the slightest. With expert precision Alistair unclasped her armored skirt, slipping in around her hips. Reaching down she grabbed her skirt, allowing it to slip to the floor. Alistair while he continued to deepen the kiss he unbuckled her breast plate, allowing follow the rest of her armor.

Alistair pulled himself away from her lips, both of them panting with building desire. His heart was pounding so fiercely in his chest he felt sure that the Peak could hear every beat.

He looked deeply into Elissa's eyes. Searching with an intensity that caused a warmth to spread from her core to every part of her body. He was assessing that she truly wanted this…wanted him…She smiled as she took his face in her hands. In a husky tone, breathless from the kiss she atoned "I am sure, my love." She lowered herself to hover over his erection. Her heat about to envelope him left no doubt in his mind this is something she wanted.

"You are all I could ever want. You are my love, my life." He whispered back smiling against her lips. Words became almost impossible at that point. The feeling of her overwhelmed him to a level that he would have thought impossible. With more passion and longing than ever he knew that finally he was whole again. Firmly grasping her hips, he guided her down his length, both crying out with pleasure at the familiar sensation of each other's warmth.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, her legs wrapped about his waist. He kept his hands at her hips guiding her against him until they found a matching rhythm. She nipped the nape of his neck lightly with her teeth, running her tongue along his ear. He inhaled sharply at the sensation her nips brought with them.

"Alistair." She moaned, as she buried her face against his neck. Her groans of pleasure steadily becoming louder as their love making intensified. He could feel her sheath constrict around his length, feeling her release was near his pace increased until he felt her body contract in waves around his length, digging her fingernails into his back; she leaned into him. Unable to articulate she released a primal passionate cry against his neck.

After he was certain that she had reached her fulfillment began increasing his own speed, until he felt his own release was imminent. "Eli!" He gasped and crushing Elissa against his body as his own release of pleasure washed over him.

Both drenched in sweat, Alistair rolled over pulling her with him as he was unwilling to let her go. He fell upon his pillow, exhausted but satisfied. Elissa was smiling and infused with an afterglow that did his heart good to see. He loved her. He loved her to a level that his mind couldn't begin to fathom. While their love making had been passionate and very fulfilling, his heart longed to make love to her again. To give her pleasure and joy before his own needs were met. He wanted his love to surround her and start, at least in some small way to make up for all that had happened.

He looked down at her with loving eyes. Softly he began to brush his fingertips along her cheek. "That isn't exactly how I planned my night to end, but I believe it needs to happen more often." He grinned as she let out a lusty chuckle.

"My seduction worked, I would almost say I executed almost artfully" She announced. This was quickly followed by a fit of giggling as she saw him arch a curious brow. "I didn't say I've perfected such an art form! That was merely practice; just wait till I actually try." She declared in a matter of fact tone. "I would have been here days ago, but I was restrained." She said cautiously.

"Restrained? Or detained."

"Both, I was detained due to the restraining straps. I became a little excitable; everyone thought I was going into a relapse."

"They had you strapped down?" He raised his brow curiously as she nodded. "Hmm..Looks like I'm going to have to have a talk with a few people on how they treated you."

"We could reenact the scene, strapping down me down to a bed and all." Her lips curved into a seductively wicked smile, which nearly made Alistair choke on the air he was breathing.

"Oh Maker, you're going to be the death of me." He wrapped his arms around her body, pulling her closer to his body as he deeply breathed in the scent of her hair and skin. She smelled of honey and the sweet grass that surrounded Highever. "You smell good enough to eat." He purred into her hair. His fingers began to slowly trail down the nape of her neck.

Elissa inhaled sharply at the sensation that his fingertips brought. When he followed with a gentle nipping at the junction of her neck and shoulder she almost came undone.

"I do believe there is a larder downstairs. I am not aware of being a menu item ." She told him in a husky playfully tone.

"Yes you are my love." With those words uttered, he flipped her onto her back. She had reignited the flames of passion within him. His body reacted to her nearness with a driving need to make love to her again. Slowly while moving to hover over her, his voice took on a commanding tone. "Call me Commander again." He demanded as a playful grin spread across his lips.

"Again? Already? Not that I'm complaining, Commander" She purred with a sensual tone dripping with passion.

It was something in the way she called him "Commander." that drove him absolutely wild. They made love again. He was determined to give her fulfillment before sating his own need. He sought out every spot that would trigger a response. He worked his way down her body. Almost in a worshipful manner he used his fingers, lips, tongue and body to drive her mad with pleasure. Building up to a crescendo of feeling that allowed the wave to crash down upon them both before they collapsed in exhaustion. Having reached fulfillment they fell asleep in the other's arms. The first truly peaceful sleep either had experienced in a very long time.

He awoke the next morning reaching for his love. He only found an empty space and for a moment doubted his own sanity. He thought perhaps it had all been a dream, until he found the folded up note on the pillow next to him, with his name written in Elissa's hand. Unfolding the parchment his eyes few over the page, he smiled and chuckled as he read her words.

_My dearest love, _

_I am sorry that I am not here as you wake, however I have urgent business with Arl Eamon and the Queen. Neither of which can be delayed. Know this love of my life, I will be back as soon as this task is complete. I wonder if you really expect me to wait another week until your ball to see you? You are an evil man if you did. As I said, I will return as soon as my business is complete. _

_With my heart and all my love, _

_Elissa. _

_P.S. Anders told me of our deal the two of us made before I became well. First of all that just makes you an unbelievably evil ass, making a deal like that with a crazy woman, how rude! _

_Secondly, if my wearing a pink dress (of which just thinking about it makes me shudder) is all I need to in order to get you to shave and cut your hair, I think of myself as more of the winning party here. For the love of the Maker, please shave that itchy hair off of your face! I woke up with abrasions all over my body this morning. _

_I Love you. _

Alistair burst with a hearty laugh. "Alright, alright. Consider my face warmer gone my love." He laughed until tears ran down his face. Later that day he traveled to Denerim in search of someone to cut his hair and grant her heart's desire.

* * *

**Redcliffe Castle**

Elissa sat with Eamon in his office, waiting for the latest round of excuses. She had hoped that with her recovery they were past the excuses when it came to information regarding Fiona.

"I told you my dear, I know nothing of her." Eamon's face was a mask of innocence. As he looked at Elissa, drawing a deep breath preparing to continue onwards.

"Eamon!" She interrupted. "I saved your life and risked much by doing it. I've been poisoned by your wife. I've saved Conner twice, once in the fade and the other when I destroyed his phylactery so he could escape from the circle. I've never once asked for anything, however I'm asking you now. I don't want gold I truly want to know everything you do about Fiona." She eyed him sternly. Her glare unnerved the Arl to his very core.

Eamon sighed deeply as he lowered himself into the chair. This was a battle he would not win. Yes he had housed her while she was ill, but he knew he owed her so much more . If information was what she wanted, now that she was truly well he would have to give it to her. "Very well,. I must warn you, this information is second hand. It all starts when an Orleasian Warden Elf met a King…"


	25. The Ball Drops

Short A/N: This chapter is massive so I've split it up into two parts. Yes I know I could have split it into two chapters, but I'm lazy. Sorry I'm lazy everyone, but I hope some of you manage to enjoy!

**Part One **

Nearly a week had passed since Elissa's sudden arrival and departure from Soldier's Peak. Each day she was gone, Alistair found himself becoming more concerned for her safety. What would the Weisshaupt Warden's do with her if they had found out of her unexpected and miraculous recovery? Would they finish what Avernus and Isolde could not? Would they set out and search for someone who might betray her as Avernus had? Alistair did not think the Wardens of the Anderfels were the forgiving types.

The scroll Elissa had found was on his desk. As he had so frequently this past week Alistair picked it up once again to read. Each time he viewed the words he failed to understand the Warden's motives. It seemed they honestly believed she had allowed the Architect to escape so he would be free to begin more blights.

What truly was shocking is they believed she did so she could be the one to defeat them, therefore retain her title as the hero of Ferelden. In his mind, their reasons reeked of madness. Alas, Alistair resolved that there was nothing to he could do about the Anderfels Wardens for the time being.

After five days sending out a search party was something Alistair's worried mind kept returning to, however just as the last time it crossed his mind he once again dismissed it. He knew she would return once she was done with her meetings. He knew she was capable, resourceful, beautiful and a 1000 other things she would hurt him for not including. All that aside; he couldn't help but continue to worry.

Anders had returned the day after Elissa had killed Avernus. He had made himself comfortable while watching his Commander train with the less skilled warriors. Annoying Zara had become another favorite pastime. He loved her reactions, and the fire in her eyes. For all of Oghren's comments about wearing dresses and sparkly fingers, Anders was very much a man who loved getting a reaction out of a beautiful woman.

As duties dictated, Anders moved between the Peak and the Vigil. He made sure that these changes were at the same time as Zara's trips. Alistair wasn't so distracted he hadn't noticed this activity and had decided for the time being to let things unfold.

Nathaniel was decidedly focused on staying out of the place and he surmised Anora's view. He sensed a storm brewing and shortly after Elissa's departure requested permission to take a quick recruitment trip. Alistair agreed to the trip with a single raised eyebrow, knowing from personal experience avoidance was not an overly wise path. Nathaniel was a truly good man and would have to figure that out himself and figure out how to handle strong opinionated women.

In order to keep himself from pacing about the Peak worrying, Alistair lost himself in training with his Wardens. He knew with the darkspawn retreated to the deep roads, the demands for Wardens had diminished for the moment. Considering how close they had come to being defeated during the blight he reasoned it that being prepared was the wisest path. Yes a wise thing to have wardens available if another blight were to happen in Thedas, or if the Anderfels Wardens decided to carry on with their revenge on Elissa. One could never be too careful thought Alistair with deep sigh.

The Warden's respected a revered their new Commander, almost as much as they had Elissa. He was approachable, fair, but firm with his Wardens. They viewed him as the hero's of old they had read about. Even started speaking of how much he resembled his father Maric in his ability to lead. Ferelden's still missed Maric the Savior and former King. He had reclaimed Ferelden from the invaders 30 years ago with skill, leadership and unknown to most some uncanny luck.

A full six days had passed since Elissa had departed. Shortly after dinner with the other Wardens, Alistair strolled into his study as was swiftly becoming his habit. With a mind to review correspondence and reports he was heading to his chair when his eyes went wide. Before him he found his chair currently occupied by the love of his life Elissa. She sat with her feet propped up on the corner of his desk with her ankles crossed. Twirling between her long slender fingers was a quill while her other hand held a sheet of parchment.

Elissa could sneak almost anywhere without being noticed. Even knowing this he resolved to still dress down the current watch for lack of attention. Her stealth skills were something he always wished he had if only for the sheer pleasure of surprising her, Zevran or Nathaniel for once.

Crossing his arms in front of him and fixing upon his face a stern and commanding mask. "I don't believe I need to tell you how impolite it is to leave one a note instead of saying goodbye." Alistair focused his normally warm hazel eyes upon her and waited to see how Elissa would respond.

Elissa's eyes lifted from the parchment in her hand and with a contrite tone she stated: "I am indeed sorry for leaving so abruptly." A wistful look reached her eyes as they met Alistair's hazel ones. "I had information that I needed from Eamon." Her eyes left his eyes and refocused upon Alistair's overall appearance. "Oh good, you had a shave. Maybe now I won't wake up with rashes all about my body." She gave him a wink and a knowing grin.

Warmth filled his rich deep voice and a wicked twinkle reached his eyes. "My love, have you noticed that we nearly have the same hair cut?" He lips formed a beautiful lopsided grin at her groan of disgust.

He realized why she had gone to see the Arl and smoothly continued "So the visit to Eamon, I take it that after all this time you're still trying to get information about Fiona and…"

Elissa's head snapped up in surprise. "You already know of Fiona?" Her eyes grew wide with excitement as she waited to hear his response.

Alistair swallowed before speaking, the tip of his tongue wetting his lips. "Well…that is to say…I know of her existence." He took a slow breath. "Before I tell you how I do know of her, I have to ask; are you wearing your daggers?" He cautiously asked. _Me and my big fat mouth. I was planning on telling her I had read her journals eventually, just not this soon, or this decade. _

"You know that I am." She wore a look of perplexity as Alistair tensed. "Why do you ask?"

"I would prefer it if you would take them off for the time being." He stated carefully in an attempt to project calm. A very perplexed Elissa shrugged as she placed the quill and parchment down on the desk. She slipped her daggers from sheathes on her hips and placed them on the desk with slightly quizzical look.

Alistair walked across the room and took the daggers from the desk. "I read your journals." He blurted out, his voice shaking. He continued on knowing that it was best to be honest with her now that he had started. For the violation of privacy alone she had the right to be furious. "The two journals you hid at the estate in Denerim. I read them both, and I'm not sorry I did." Alistair prepared for the bombardment of flying objects.

"Did you learn anything from them?" She asked with a calmness and subdued town that surprised him. Slowly he realized he wasn't going to dodge any flying objects, for the moment at least. She didn't appear to be angry; she didn't appear to be anything but genuinely curious.

"Yes, I did." Assuming she would want him to elaborate he continued before she could ask him to. "I did learn that we are more alike than I previously thought."

Her brow shot up in curiosity. "Would you care to elaborate on that statement?" Knowing her calm demeanor was doing little to put Alistair at ease, she kept her voice even and soothing. She was by no means angry. Someone was bound to find them, she was just thankful it was Alistair, and not the Anderfels Wardens or the Queen.

"You're afraid of being alone, which is why you help nearly everyone who asks. It is also why you form an opinion based on other's opinions. You never allow anyone to actually know what you really think. Yet you are petrified to get too close to people, to let anyone get to know you, the **real** you. You have talents, but hate attention being brought to them, which is why you play them down and under mind them."

He could have gone on since he actually had learned many things about her from her journal. Something in her expression stopped him from speaking further.

There was a sadness that crept into her eyes and her smile. It was obviously to him that he been right in his evaluation. He regretted that he struck a raw nerve within her very heart.

She still found the strength to meet his gaze and taking a page from her beloveds book she quipped: " Had it been anyone but you reading them, I most likely would have killed them by now." Alistair wasn't completely sure if it was a jest at all. He did the kind thing and laughed. It appeared to ease some of the tension in her beautiful frame.

"Did you learn anything of Fiona from Eamon?" He asked eager for a changing of subject.

Her chuckle was forced which didn't bode well in his mind.

"Oh yes I received quite a story from Eamon." She got up from his chair and motioned for him to sit. "I have a story you defiantly needed to hear a long time ago." She waited until he seated himself in the recently vacated chair.

She promptly sat in his lap, knowing that some of what she was about to tell him would be hard to hear. She wanted her physical presence to provide what comfort it could. Intuitively his arms wrapped around her waist lightly holding her loosely upon his lap.

Wrapping her arms around his neck she planted a gentle kiss upon his temple before speaking. Leaving out no detail, she told him word for word what information Eamon had given her. She shared all that she knew of the beautiful elf mage Warden and the then grieving King of Ferelden, Alistair's parents. Once she was done, she sat very still watching and waiting for a reaction.

Sitting silently for a time, Alistair wasn't sure what he should be feeling. Should he be Curious? Overjoyed? Relieved? He felt none of these things. "Well now, I'm truly upset with Eamon for packing me off to the Chantry." He said with a straight face.

"Alistair." Elissa's exasperated tone nearly made him laugh aloud. She moved quickly leaving his lap thinking that distance might be needed to continue this conversation. He lightly grabbed her hands, guiding her back onto his lap with her back against his chest; he wrapped his hands around her waist pulling her even closer against him. Once again she released a frustrated sigh, but said nothing.

"She chose the Wardens and duty not me. She brought me back to Ferelden to Maric, and he in turn gave me to Eamon. In giving me to Eamon, their choice was made to be separate from my life. Both Fiona and Maric had years to know me or to contact me in some way. Granted it Maric's time to know me was fairly short, but it does not change the fact that neither one of them were directly involved. They relied on others to keep a watchful eye, to do the job of raising me for them. Why should bother caring or even looking for a woman who would prefer me to believe her dead?"

"You are naturally curious?" She prompted hopefully as she looked over her shoulder at him. She caught sight of him shaking his head.

"Not at this time, my love. I am letting this go. She wants me to believe she is dead, I'm fine with believing that." Again eager to change the subject, he reached around her and grabbed the letter she was writing. "What is this you have been working on, a letter to the Anderfels?" He asked.

Unwilling to let the subject of Fiona drop, Elissa pivoted in Alistair's arms. She reached up to hold his face in her hands. With a gentle pressure she forced him to look at her. "Alistair, your real mother may still be alive. You can't tell me you aren't the slightest bit interested in finding her?" She asked softly.

"Oh yes I can. She made her choice, as did Maric. Now I am making mine." As she searched his eyes she knew he was telling what was in his heart.

"She wasn't left with much of a choice Alistair. Female Wardens can't be mothers and slayers of darkspawn at the same time. It just isn't in the cards for us. I can understand her thought process." Her eyes began to mist slightly, understanding exactly how Fiona must have felt giving him up. Parting from a child was near impossible to her way of thinking. Especially the child of the man you love. Clamping down on the rising emotion and ever present pain, Elissa struggled for composure. Regrets changed nothing. What was done could not be undone at this point by either of them, neither had that power. With a level look at him she went on to say; "If for no other reason you have to remember that she was cured of the taint. That in itself has to hold some interest to you. I can say with all honesty it interested me greatly"

"Eli, are you actually comparing situations? We are completely different from them. We actually WANT to see our son, to get to know him as he grows. Neither of them bothered to see me. They just passed me off on someone else. They didn't have a hand my life, nor does it seem they wanted to. Can we please just drop it? I'm not going to find her and Maric was lost at sea, so finding him is out of the question. It's just not happening."

He was standing firm on his resolve to think of his mother as she had always meant him to, dead. Although, he was very curious regarding how she was cured of the taint. He was hardly going to voice the interest out loud at this point.

"_We'll see about that love. Maker, but he has changed a great deal" _Elissa thought proudly to herself. His conviction on the matter was a pleasant surprise. Although she had hoped the discovery of his birth mother would send him into adventure mode. After three years of being confined to Redcliffe Castle, such an adventure would be welcomed and allow them time away together.

She let out frustrated sigh as she nodded her head. "A letter to the Anderfels." She agreed, finally giving into his subject change. "Letting them know I'm how my retirement is fairing, and how perfectly well I am."

"A letter from you will hardly be necessary my dear." He grinned as he reached around her to retrieve a sheet of paper on his desk. "I've taken the liberty of writing one myself." Carefully, she took the sheet from his hand. Her eyes fell first upon the golden royal seal near the bottom page. Her interest thoroughly peaked; Elissa began reading the document.

"Alistair." She breathed, looking up from the letter; her eyes wide with surprise. "How in Thedas did you come up with this? How did you get Anora to agree?" She began bombarding him with questions. Laughing, Alistair held up his hand to silence her.

"I thought of it while we were bringing you to the tower. The Weisshaupt Wardens need to pay for the part they played in your poisoning. Since there are far too few of us Wardens in Ferelden, I felt declaring war was a little out of the question. Sooooo, I decided to do something I almost never do and take a more…..legal and even political course of action. Thanks to that scroll, I will finally have the proof I need to give to the Queen and actually send this damn thing out." He paused as a question echoed throughout his mind. "By the way, how did you know about that scroll?"

"I didn't know for sure if one like it would actually be there, but I know Avernus, he keeps record of everything from experiments gone wrong, to even the smallest of contracts. I was lucky to have found anything." She said thoughtfully, but quickly returning her attention to the letter she held and smiled up at Alistair.

"You have been busy my love!" She exclaimed happily smiling from ear to ear. "By royal decree it has been prohibited that anyone from the Weisshaupt Fortress (unless expressly invited by the Warden-Commander himself) into Ferelden. Those who do attempt to enter (without expressed written consent) will be charged with…Attempted murder?" She read aloud. Looking up from the letter and over her shoulder, her face filled with disbelief. "You do know this is going to make you a target for them?"

Alistair slowly faded as he sighed softly and nodded. "Unfortunately yes, I thought of that as I was scribbling all of that down." Taking the letter from her hands, Alistair placed it safely within the confines of his desk. "If they deem my assassination worthy of their time, energy and resources, let them hire whomever they choose. It will only prove to me and all of Ferelden that they are power hungry and not to be trusted. If need be, I can play their little game."

A fleeting look of concern, tempered with love crossed Elissa's face as she stated: "The game they play is a dangerous one Alistair. I doubt it is one you would want any part of. I sure as hell didn't."

"Maybe you were just a chicken." Alistair said with a straight face, which quickly faltered as Elissa's looked up at him with eyes narrowed and cold as the Frostback Mountains.

"You speak bravely for a dead man." She countered dryly.

One eyebrow rose slightly, and with an almost imperceptible shift his arms tensed. "Warden, are you threatening your Commander?"

"And what if I am? Are your going to go off and find more of my journals to read as punishment?" She asked in an almost too quite tone while smiling sweetly at him.

Sensing danger, Alistair put on his best sheepishly boyish grin, "Why? Do you have any more lying about that I can read?"

Elissa was happy to see some things hadn't changed. She never could resist that heart stopping lopsided grin of his. She laughed as she reached around his neck, pulling his face down to her own and kissed him tenderly on the lips. "I believe the hour is late, my love. We should salvage what little of the night is left to us." He whispered playfully into her lips. "Unless you keep insisting on calling me Commander. In which case, sleep can wait."

"Your desire is my command…Commander." She purred seductively in response. That was all the prompting Alistair needed to pick her up off his lap, and carry her off to his bed chamber, where very little sleeping was done.

* * *

Awareness slowly came upon Alistair as the morning broke. Considering the activities of the night before, it was hardly surprising that he was having difficulty awaking fully. With a sleepy stretch he reached across the bed for his love. When is large hand failed to find what he sought he mentally he groaned in disappointment. "_Why is she always fucking doing this?" _

Slowly he opened his eyes and allowed them to focus first before looking about the room. Much to his relief, Elissa sat in a chair, staring out the window overlooking the Peak's courtyard. His relief was short lived once he noticed the tears streaming down her cheek.

He turned to one side resting his face on his hand to watch her. "What troubles you my heart?" She jumped at the sound of his voice. Quickly and angrily brushing away the tears, she turned her head to look at him.

"I'm sorry if I woke you." She smiled apologetically at him.

"It was a lack of you that woke me. Now tell me what is bothering you" He demanded firmly. She opened her mouth as if to answer, but closed it quickly. After another moment as she looked ready to speak. Alistair cleared his throat, cutting off the response that he was certain about to leave her warm and lovely lips. "So help me Elissa, if you tell me nothing is bothering you, I will have you confined to the dungeons." He knew it was an empty threat, but effective at getting her attention none the less.

She stared at him thoughtfully for a time. Not sure how exactly to explain to him what was troubling her. She stared down at her folded hands in her lap calming her mind and striving to steady her voice. Finally she broke the long silence. "It's going to sound strange to someone who has never had them." She inhaled shakily before continuing. "I've been living with all of these different voices in my head for nearly three years. It's….odd being without them." Her vision misted and her voice quaked, yet she continued on. He wanted the truth and so the truth he would have, no matter how crazy it sounded.

"Aside from Zev, they were the one thing I could truly remember, that I felt a connection to. As odd as it sounds, they became almost like the friends I knew would never leave me. Yes, they told me to do horrible things to myself, but I knew they would be there day and night. And now suddenly they're all gone. It's so quiet in here and I feel so….so alone and confused." She said meekly.

As she closed her eyes in order to hold back her tears, she continued; "It's overwhelming sometimes. Does this make me as crazy as I was before? Why the hell do I miss them so much? Everyone expects me to bounce back, and return to the person I was. I've tried, really I have tried. I just can't seem to do that."

"No one expect that of you Elissa. YOU expect that of you." Alistair pushed himself over to the corner of the bed; sitting across from Elissa he took her hands within his own. He was relieved she had actually opened up to him about what was troubling her. "And you're completely right; it does sound strange to me, but I want to understand why not hearing that makes you so unbelievably sad. I want to hear about things that bother you, from YOU and not your writings."

Alistair paused a moment before going on: "I came to you with my problems all the time, everyone did. Through the Blight, and afterwards others did so as well, I am sure. I want you to know that you can do the same, you can come to me, I am here for you" With a hitch in his voice added "always, my love"

Looking at her tear streaked face he moved closer to gently wipe the tears from her cheeks with the pad of his thumb. "I may not understand everything, but I can't even try to help unless you tell me. Do you think you can do that?" He said making sure to keep his voice soft and soothing, yet firm and reassuring. He needed her to understand that she didn't have to hide who she was from him. He would love her no matter what her opinion may be, or what troubled her. He had learned much from her journals and the past few years. These lessons were hard won and he wasn't about to let them go to waste.

She smiled and nodded as she squeezed his hands. "I do have a problem with that don't I?" He nodded vigorously. Elissa chuckled as she stood from her chair. He guided her back onto the bed and eased her down onto her pillow. Slowly he drew the blanket up around her now prone form smoothing the light covering around her body. He eased himself in bed next to her and with infinite tenderness pulled her against his body. Sharing his warmth he wrapped his arms around her as he molded his body to hers. With one free hand he started to stroke her hair to bring a measure of calm to Elissa, knowing beyond a doubt how much she needed his strength now. "Why the hell am I so weepy as of late? Every time I see you I'm either crying, or close to." She murmured into his chest.

"I do tend to bring women to tears. Sometime they are tears of joy, frustration or just because their delicate ears have been so terribly offended by my jests." Alistair dipped his head down to brush his lips across hers in an effort to draw out the smile he knew lurked there somewhere. He caressed her back with the tips of his fingers. Feeling the tension lessen he felt it was alright to ask for more detail.

"So, tell me more about these voices and why you miss them so much." He stated in a tone that was even and calm. To his surprise she proceeded in her own way to explain what she had experienced and felt. Holding nothing back she told him everything, from the conversations she held with the voices, to the horrible things they would bid her to do for them.

It was an unburdening of her heart, and for Alistair the start of trust that he craved from the woman of his dreams. Finally, in the early morning hours; emotionally exhausted, both Alistair and Elissa fell into a deep sleep in each other's arms.

* * *

**Part Two **

**One week later (Denerim)**

"At least the road to the Palace is still the same." He muttered to himself before bringing his horse to a stop just outside of the palace gate. Easing his hood back so his face was not completely shrouded in shadows the man slowly observed the guards outside the outer gate to the palace. After clearing his throat twice he was beyond dismayed at the state of the royal guards. Both were extremely lax in their duty.

The only explanation he could think of for such an attitude would be that the crown was not in residence at the moment, or the country had gone to seed. When the young guard finally roused himself to look up, the mounted man addressed him sternly. "You there solider, I wish to have an audience with the King." His demand sounded far more sternly than he had intended. The solider stared at the man as if he had sprouted a second head.

"Have you been living under a rock Ser? We have not had a King since the Darkspawn killed King Cailan four years ago. Her highness Queen Anora rules Ferelden." The soldier said in a matter of fact tone.

"Cailan is dead?" He whispered softly to himself the soldiers didn't appear to hear, but continued to look bored with the detail they had been assigned. A flickering of emotion including shock phased over the man's features as he struggled to speak again: "What of the other son? Was he not asked to rule?" His voice wavered for just a moment quickly transforming the tone to infuse an air of command.

"You mean the new Warden-Commander? Alistair I believe his name is, yes that is right King Maric's bastard son is Alistair." The soldier looked over to his comrade for confirmation and received a nod in response.

"He has recently taken Command after the former Warden-Commander Elissa Cousland when she retired. I think there might be more to the story, but there is some big ball being held at Vigils Keep in Amaranthine tonight in his honor. The Queen is there now." His comrade elbowed him in the ribs. The Soldier immediately silenced himself.

A sad smile formed across the man's lips as he pulled his hood forward to completely shroud his features, once again in shadow. "I have all the information I need, thank you soldier. You have been most helpful." He nodded his thanks before leaving. Both soldiers stared after the strange man, but said nothing as they allowed their confused minds to process what had just happened.

A germ of an idea was already forming within the man's mind as he guided his horse out of Denerim. It was a full-blown plan before he took off hard in the direction of Amaranthine, knowing if he rode hard enough that would be there by nightfall. He wasn't usually a man who enjoyed crashing balls, but this was necessary. He had not only business to discuss with the Queen, but with the Warden's as well.

"Oh who am I kidding? I love crashing a good ball, or a bad one for that matter." He chuckled to himself as he rode on. Hoping he correctly remembered the way to Vigil's Keep. Not that he doubted his directional skills, but becoming lost was obviously not out of the realm of possibilities.

**Amaranthine (Vigils Keep)**

The day of the much dreaded (deemed as such within Alistair's own mind) ball had finally arrived. Only after much kicking and screaming (mostly screaming) Nathaniel delivered Alistair safely to Vigil's keep, with only an hour to spare before his ball was to be start.

Dressed in the fine blue and gold uniform that Nathaniel and Varel had set out for him, Alistair stood in the middle of his room feeling vastly over dressed. Looking around his chamber he caught himself wishing the windows were just a little wider as to make for an easier escape. As it was he resigned himself that escape before the ball wasn't possible.

Knowing full well that he faced to a night of uncomfortable conversations and dancing with various nobles; Alistair legs grew heavier with every step as he slowly moved down the stairwell. The keep was decorated to match his uniform, Warden Colors. He felt over overwhelmingly exposed, it was a feeling he did not much care for. Elissa had warned him such a feeling would likely happen. Striving to make the best of it he resolved not to let this feeling consume him. If the nobles sensed any kind of weakness, they would expose it relentlessly.

It was somewhat comforting to know he wasn't the only uncomfortable person within the Vigil. Elissa had left for the Vigil a day in advance to prepare for the ball. Feeling herself well enough to resume her Arlessa duties was a decision that did not come easily for Elissa. Her desire to give Nathaniel a well-deserved break was the driving factor. The dread of resuming her duties of Arlessa paled in comparison to wearing the pink dress in public. This public embarrassment of Elissa's was the only bright spot on the horizon as far as Alistair was concerned.

"There you are Commander!" Nathaniel said as he walked with Alistair into a hallway just outside of the main hall where Elissa, as the Arlessa of Amerantine was currently holding court. "I was afraid I would have to send a search party to fetch you." He said only half jokingly. It was obvious to anyone just how uncomfortable Alistair was with his current situation. Nathaniel found himself wanting to feel bad for his Commander; alas he couldn't quite make such a feeling emerge.

"Yes, my disappearance would no doubt be absolutely tragic." He said dryly.

"This could be fun if you gave it half a chance." Anders came up from behind and stood next to Alistair. The Mage was dressed in his best blue dress robes. His hair tied back with a matching ribbon. Alistair grunted in response. "I could try to make it entertaining if you'd like." Anders asked smirking and sounding hopeful.

"No!" Both Alistair and Nathaniel yelled. They didn't need to ask what Anders considered entertainment, neither one of them were interested in experiencing it firsthand. Anders, extremely insulted, shot glares at his companions.

"Well fine, I hope the two of you are bored to tears. I'm just going to go get the Arlessa's dress ready." Anders pouted and left for Elissa's room on the second floor. "I might just help her slip into the damned thing." He left quickly before anyone could protest. Both Alistair and Nate looked at one another and rolled their eyes.

"I'm going to go check on the food. Elissa should be done…." He trailed as the doors to the main hall opened. "Well how is that for timing?" He slapped Alistair on the back before leaving for the kitchen.

"Thank you for your help Varel. I can't believe I missed that." The two shared a chuckle before Varel nodded acknowledging Alistair before starting towards his room to dress for the ball. Elissa's gaze fell upon Alistair. The sight of him in a uniform nearly astounded her. "My but you look dashing Commander!" She exclaimed with a wide smile as she linked her arm through his.

"Oh yes, I feel absolutely dashing, or perhaps like sprinting!" He said, rolling his eyes. Her compliment made him feel better about his appearance, almost giddy. He would by no means admit to such a feeling out loud and in such a public place.

"Are you still pouting over your celebration?" Elissa eyes took on a calculating look. As if they could gage the likelihood he would sprint away before the ball.

"I'm not pouting!" He countered defensively. "I'm complaining," He pouted. "And it isn't a celebration, it's a judgment gathering."

"Well, are you complaining to any one in particular? Or are you picking people at random?"

He shrugged slightly. "Any servants who will listen, by the way you have very rude servants. They see me coming and they all just run away in the opposite direction. "

"I can't imagine why they would be doing such a thing." She stated dryly with a slight smirk. Determining that it would be wrong to hit a woman, especially the one he loved, he resisted the urge to punch her in the arm. It proved to be a difficult task for at least a few moments.

"Your lack of concern for my plight is wounding the depths of my soul, love." Alistair did his very best to look wounded.

"Well my heart, with time I am sure you'll come to appreciate and even accept my apparent heartlessness." She stopped short of the stairs, slipping her arm from Alistair's she started up the stairs. "I am off to dress myself for **your** ball**.**" She smiled as she emphasized upon each painful word.

Alistair smiled down at Elissa impishly. "**Pink.**" Was all Alistair needed to say in order to send Elissa into a fit of gagging sounds. She ran off towards her room, leaving Alistair behind to his near hysterical laughter

Standing alone near the entrance to the main hall, Alistair saluted and smiled to his Wardens and bowed to the passing nobility; who would simply smile and nod at the Commander. _At least they aren't stopping to speak with me. _

Leaning closer to Nathaniel, he whispered into the Warden's ear. "How much longer do I need to smile like this?"

Suppressing an amused chuckle was hard, but Nate somehow managed. "I'm afraid it will have to be an all night smile Commander." He brought up his hands to stifle a chuckle at Alistair's soft displeased groan.

"Maker breath, if I'm stuck with this smile for the rest of my days I'm blaming all of you." Alistair swore softly as he continued to smile and bow. There was an uncomfortable silence within the room as Elissa entered the room, her arm entwined within Ander's arm. Nathaniel gasped in surprise at the sight, as did Alistair.

The shimmering pink dress clung to Elissa's thin frame as if it were a second skin (thanks to much altering), the frills he originally thought were apart of the dress, actually came from the matching scarf she wore around her neck. It was sleeveless, showing off her thin yet muscular arms. The Collar dipped low, stopping just above her breasts. As he had expected, she did nothing to cover her scars nor did cover her head in false hair. If anything, she did it only to make the other nobles vastly uncomfortable.

Stopping just before Alistair she released Ander's arm and curtsied. "Warden-Commander." She said clearly so to be heard by everyone. He in turn bowed. "Arlessa Cousland." Their eyes met mid bow, they winked at one another and shared a smile before slowly coming back to a standing position.

With Command officially transferred; the orchestra began playing once again, while the nobility of Ferelden spoke to one another in hushed whispers.

A different kind of hush fell across those in attendance, as a young boy unceremoniously ran across the room and threw himself at the former Warden-Commander.

Spotting Bryce out of the corner of her eye, Elissa got down on her knee just in time for her son to wrap his arms around her neck, and hug her. The warmth of affection was plain for all to see on her face. Alistair's eyes misted with tears at the sight of his son holding his mother with true affection. What he wouldn't give to have them be a true family. Again he knew it to be a fruitless train of thought.

"Ellwie!" He squeaked happily in her ear. Elissa's arms wrapped about the child pressing him to her heart. The child of her heart was in her arms with his father, her beloved so near. Despite knowing the unavoidable facts, she permitted herself a brief moment to savor the two men she loved most in this world being with her. Being in her right mind had it's benefits as well as determent. She knew that Bryce, Alistair and she couldn't be together, but now the bitterness was on her tongue were as before it might not have mattered.

"There is my handsome prince." She said as he pulled away from her, both smiling at one another.

"Missed you! I…"He trailed, struggling to find the right words. Elissa chuckled low and softly.

"I missed you too my prince. It has been some time since I have come to visit, for that I am deeply I'm sorry." She did not elaborate any further. it would not have mattered. Bryce was just glad to able to see his Elissa again. In his child's heart she held a special place.

Somehow he knew she loved him deeply and being a sensitive child responded to it with overwhelming unconditional love.

"Umm…"With a determined humph Bryce pointed at the few nobles who had resumed dancing in the middle of the room.

"Does your highness wish to dance?" She asked. Bryce's face brightened as he nodded vigorously and pointed at Elissa. "It would be foolish of me not to accept the hand of the most handsome man here. So of course I graciously accept." She held out her hand to her son, and allowed him to drag her towards the dance floor.

Taking Bryce in her arms; Elissa began swaying while Bryce giggled with glee. Alistair stood for a time, simply content to watching the two dance together. Elissa spun around making the child chortle with glee as his arms snaked around her neck to pull himself as close as possible to his Elissa.

"Maker's breath, but they look alike." He whispered to both Nathaniel and Anders, who both nodded in agreement.

"Why no one has seen the similarities is beyond any of us who know the truth." Nathaniel whispered back.

"Maybe no one wishes to see it. You Fereldens seem to enjoy living in blissful ignorance." Zevran said as he came up beside Alistair. He wore a dull and low cut orange shirt, along with brown trousers.

"In that you are defiantly correct." Alistair nodded in agreement.

The small group was soon joined by Zara. Who was very much alone. The group had expected her to be joined at the hip with the First Enchanter. When Alistair inquired after Kyle's whereabouts, She hesitantly hold them Kyle was busy. Alistair shot her a sympathetic look of which she ignored. Instead turning her attention to Anders, she snorted at his outfit.

"What? What is so damned funny about my robes?" He asked sounding exasperated.

"Oh, is that what your wearing? I was just thinking to myself how lovely you look in that dress your wearing. The ruffles suit you as well" She peaked around his head. "Oh how adorable! you even have a matching bow." She grinned, as everyone else chuckled and snickered.

"Are hope not all Dalish are as funny as you." Anders countered weakly.

Before she could bring any further attention to Ander's attire, Nathaniel stepped up to defuse what might become a less than pleasant moment and asked her to dance. With a grateful smile she accepted his hand, allowing him to lead her to the dance floor. Alistair noted that all those years as a noble's son gave Nate not only insight but a polish when he chose to employ these skills.

They were joined by a newcomer, Leliana. She wore a long, sleeveless red dress. No doubt to match with her hair and shoes. Thrilled that's she had come, he pulled her into a hug. "I'm so glad you could attend."

"Glad enough to dance with me Warden Commander?" She chuckled at Alistair's dramatic sigh. Nodding they left for the dance floor. Once the mistrials stopped playing, Elissa and Leliana embraced. The past forgiven and forgotten between the two women who once were as close as sisters.

Alistair was bombarded by single noble daughters, their pushy mothers and at times pressuring fathers. Trying his best to be polite in his refusal of their offers, he quickly drew attention to Nathaniel being not only a Warden, but a Warden of noble birth. Thus the maiden's flocked to an rather confused looking Nate. His steel grey eyes searched the room to find Alistair's laughing hazel eyes. The look conveyed that retribution was not out of the question.

To each lady Nathaniel was polite and gallant. Each sought to engage him to dance. After a small space he walked over to a willowy auburn haired maiden at the edge of the circle pressing in on him. She looked to be stubbornly refusing her parent's demands to join into the fray for his attention. Walking up boldly to her Nate bowed before looking directly into the deepest emerald eyes he had ever seen.

He reached to take her hand while adding with a voice edged in admiration; "My lady, would you care to dance? I would be ever so grateful for the honor." With a look of calm appraisal for the fine figure of a man before her, she agreed to the dance. Nathaniel felt doubly blessed, not only did he have a stunningly beautiful woman in his arms, but he had distracted the pressing crowd to keep them busy with each other for at least 3 dances.

All nobility distracted by Nate's actions, including the Queen; Alistair made a break for the main staircase off the great hall. He was hoping to catch the notice of Elissa who would soon follow, at least he hoped she would.

There were hushed whispers of the Landsmeet where the Warden-Commander had been in line for the throne began quickly circulating around the floor. They spoke of how the Queen manipulated her way to the throne, how Alistair was the true ruler of Ferelden.

It wasn't long before this news and gossip reached the ears of the Queen, who was watching her son dance with his biological mother. Paranoia in full swing, she set out in search for Alistair. He would answer for such rumors. Anora was sure that he was the cause of the talk and fully intended to assert her authority.

At the end of the dance Elissa left Bryce with the Queen's retainers. She was in search of Alistair in hopes to escape the nobles who were bombarding her with questions. Most of the questions were regarding her whereabouts over the last year or so. She spotted Alistair leaning up against a wall alone in at the edge of the great hall. "A gold piece for your thoughts?" She asked as he chuckled.

"Everyone in there is talking about it you know." He did not need to elaborate on what "it" meant. She took his hand within her own, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb.

"I know that my love, I warned you that these vultures do nothing but gossip. Just ignore them and you'll be fine"

Heaving a heavy sigh, he rolled his eyes and said, "I hate my blood, I really do."

"That is why you could never rule. Ferelden hardly needs a coward." Anora appeared at the doorway.

"He is hardly a coward." Elissa hissed defensively. Alistair gripped her hand firmly in his own, silently demanding her not to say anything more.

"Blood right or no, I am the rightful ruler." Anora coldly stated. I warned you Alistair, first word of a rebellion, and I would have you…" She trailed, her eyes drawn to the curtains beside her.

A cloaked figure stepped out of the shadows just a few feet from where Anora, Alistair and Elissa stand. Unseen until this moment Anora is startled that someone could get so close without her guards stopping them. The figure is tall with shoulders so broad it has to be a man, although with his hood up and his face still deep in shadow it is impossible to see an expression.

A deep rich voice reaches Anora's ear that seems familiar. The man practically purrs the words: "Interesting word "Rightful", yes it is an interesting word". Anora's stomach clenches with a feeling of dread, as a cold chill runs like icy fingers down her spine. Her breath catches in her throat as a thought springs to her mind. She takes an involuntary step backwards, not even aware that she has done so. Her mind shakes itself free of what she is sure are unreasonable the corner of her eye, she spotted the Palace Guard moving forward towards the man.

In her most regal tone and an icy demeanor, Anora turns to address the cloaked man. "How dare you speak so to Ferelden's rightful Queen? I ruled this country when Cailan, my departed husband, was alive as he could not be bothered with what it took to be a King. Maric's bastard son" Anora shot a baneful glace at Alistair. "was too weak to take the throne and do what was needful for Ferelden. I have ruled since Cailan's death by confirmation of the Landsmeet. How do you feel that I am not Queen by all rights?"

"I knew I made a mistake three years ago." Elissa muttered under her breath. She looked up at Alistair. "I'm so sorry my love." She whispered. He smiled warmly as he squeezed her hand reassuringly and shook his head

An almost imperceptible rippling across the man's chest was accompanied by a low chuckle indicated the man found her tirade humorous. Slowly shaking his head, he spread his hands and shrugged his shoulders. His gesture served only to irritate Anora further. The deep melodic tone of his voice had the ring of command forcing the group's attention to be riveted to his face even though it was cloaked in the shadow of his cowl. "Alistair is many things Anora, but weak isn't one of them. As for rightful, it is a very interesting word when applied to your position."

His hands slowly rose upwards, touching the edge of the cowl with long strong fingers. A signet ring upon one finger caught Anora's eye and as she narrowed her gaze to focus upon it all the blood drained from her face.

His fingers slowly moved the cowl backwards, his features coming forward as the light reached past the descending barrier. His bright blue eyes were fixed firmly upon Anora and the hard line of his mouth spoke volumes above the quite words that followed. "As you are not my daughter or my wife calling you Queen would seem to be inappropriate as your King is not dead." With those words the regal face of Maric Theirin held a lopsided smile so very much like Alistair's. "You and I have much to discuss Anora."

To Be Continued...

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A/N: That's it for this story. Now I know it has been pretty well established that Maric is lost and dead at sea. Which both my editor and I agree is a weak excuse (Aside from "and it was all a dream") So I wrote him in to complicate lives, mostly Anora's. I mean come on now, that last bit there, the witch had it coming.

The ending itself I give full credit to my editor Linette23. I had a different and tragic ending written out (which was quickly nixed, but I might put it up as an extra) I was having a hard time working Maric into the new ending, and what you read above is totally her brain child. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy, busy day to make my story readable, less confusing, and making me sound far more in tuned with my characters than I really am. You are truly wonderful and this story is much better because of you!

Thank you to everyone who takes the time out of their day to read this story, and who favorites and reviews. You guys are wonderful.

Now off to complete the first chapter in the next story. Later all!


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